what are you feeling right now? (24)

i'm feeling a little better. i had a horrendous morning. Tensions like coiled up emotions pouring over me. i ended up taking some anti-psychotics. My feeling world has calmed down a bit now.

i feel bad that i have been so sick this week while Yvonne has gone through such a hard time with her father dying. Yesterday afternoon, before he died, we decided to go to Perth today so Yvonne could spend the night with him again. i was feeling so much better yesterday.

This morning Yvonne didn't want to go. So didn't want to leave me while i was so unwell. i feel bad that i failed her and she can't be with her family today. i feel bad because dad is gone and i couldn't even go and say good bye.

The funeral is next week Friday so i have a little time to get back on my feet. i wouldn't want to miss that. For Friday everyone will be going.

Please pray that i may pick up a little.

Thanks

Feeling only slightly nauseated this morning. Every time i stress about dad dying then it flares right up. i have to try and stay calm and keep my focus on Jesus and dad being with Him in glory for that makes me happy. i woke up at 4.30am this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.

Yvonne wants to re-schedule our holidays to the 23th of May, that gives me just over two weeks to get back on my feet. To be honest i would rather re-schedule our holidays till October or something to give me plenty of time to get better but for Yvonne's work it works out best if we go this May. Also everybody is looking forward seeing us soon.

My mum would have celebrated her 85th birthday while were there now she wants to wait till we come. Our son has been working his butt off to try and have some free time for when we are there. So it looks like we going to gamble on going the 23th of May. If i'm still sick like i was yesterday then i just wont be able to go. i sincerely hope that wont happen.

blessed week to all.

I was depressed last night but I'm feeling okay today.

Feeling very unwell. A lot of nausea and a lot of tensions pouring down on me. Been struggling today

I ended my homeless simulation. I think bad and neutral people will mess with me a lot. Aunt got me a decent backpack that I need to test. My main problem is this universe.

Too much hostility from the laws of physics, nature, and humans. I either torture myself trying to fit in with the efficient hierarchies, go homeless, or kms. I want to kms cause it seems best for me. But it's a bad impact on family.

Guess I will go walk to see some big lots tomorrow and check out if homeless people live there. I'm highly neurotic and I know I need security. That is why I want to live in my own in universe. I can't have that while I exist here.

Wish loved ones would accept and understand. This is overwhelming. I'm trapped and I don't like it

Noxot said:

I ended my homeless simulation. I think bad and neutral people will mess with me a lot. Aunt got me a decent backpack that I need to test. My main problem is this universe.

Too much hostility from the laws of physics, nature, and humans. I either torture myself trying to fit in with the efficient hierarchies, go homeless, or kms. I want to kms cause it seems best for me. But it's a bad impact on family.

Guess I will go walk to see some big lots tomorrow and check out if homeless people live there. I'm highly neurotic and I know I need security. That is why I want to live in my own in universe. I can't have that while I exist here.

Wish loved ones would accept and understand. This is overwhelming. I'm trapped and I don't like it

Click to expand...

Are there no their options open to you brother? It seems so limited. i pray that you will walk with God wherever you go. Be a blessing brother and let inner love grow instead of run cold. Yes you are a stranger on this earth but at least endeavour to be a good one.

Praying God opens door that you had not thought possible.

Knowing myself through this experience shows that I'm probably evil in some ways but most of us are. I hate myself but not completely. This was a bad idea, to exist with others in a reality such as this. I can't believe I have become this.

Sloth says "what's the point". Sleeping is very comforting. God sits in the background and watches to see what I will do.

If I die maybe my body won't be a burden. Creatures fear death. This world is suffering as it is a novelty to perfect immortal beings. All I can do is repeat my confused circular delays.

They will have to get over their loss of me but am I a devil in hell? Maybe the Lord will still play with me in isolation. Everything is okay for the most part. My fears leads to delays but I can't forever.

nvm

Noxot said:

Knowing myself through this experience shows that I'm probably evil in some ways but most of us are. I hate myself but not completely. This was a bad idea, to exist with others in a reality such as this. I can't believe I have become this.

Sloth says "what's the point". Sleeping is very comforting. God sits in the background and watches to see what I will do.

If I die maybe my body won't be a burden. Creatures fear death. This world is suffering as it is a novelty to perfect immortal beings. All I can do is repeat my confused circular delays.

They will have to get over their loss of me but am I a devil in hell? Maybe the Lord will still play with me in isolation. Everything is okay for the most part. My fears leads to delays but I can't forever.

Click to expand...

Please fight for good life brother. His good life can overcome your bad life and set you free from it. i clearly remember when i thought like you do now, i was a trapped animal who hated his life and only wanted to die so he could escape it. It was a horrible time, my worst by far. Yet when i began to sow God's good life into my barren heart i harvest much and i became more and more capable to grow God's good life despite my sufferings.

Faith in God's love brings hope and hope in God never disappoints us.

His love is what want brother, honest His love is what you want.

1 Corinthians 13
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.


And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Trying to survive is a burden. I don't know how to drive and I don't want to. I prefer to be a loser rather than win at games that I don't want to play. But my distress and knowing others can relate feels good.

It has felt so good to have quit my old job more than a year ago. Feels so good to not do things that I don't want to. I don't want no more struggle. Don't know if I really want anything at all.

Feels so good to be me. Then it goes away. So annoying that others love of me hurts them but it's better than loveless criminal actions.

This world is painful, Jesus showed me that. If I belong in hell then I hope I still get isolation and my pleasure. I don't mind being my own soulmate, it's easy to split in half.

Or to not exist is good to me too especially if u are incompatible with God. I don't think God is my enemy but I hope God does will to love me based on myself rather that in only what he wants to do.

The distracting* parts of the world and hostile humans are no longer acceptable to me. Love y'all, goodnight.

nvm

Noxot said:

Or to not exist is good to me too especially if u are incompatible with God. I don't think God is my enemy but I hope God does will to love me based on myself rather that in only what he wants to do.

Click to expand...

Yeah i used to be so scared about that as well brother but then when i met Jesus His will was that i would be true me and began to dismantle untrue me. It is great to have freedom from those things in my life that oppressed, imprisoned, ridiculed, enslaved, tortured, lied to me and killed me. Now i have freedom to be just me and i can learn to love others because i have learned to love myself. Honest bro that is how His love works.

Jesus wants the true you not the lies that attack you and make you suffer so much. It is amazing how that goes because my illness i still got but the bad life that used to accompany my illness is gone to hell without me as i rise in His arms everyday a bit more.

To love is a miracle for it kills the evil ones stone dead. Try it! Love God until God loves you back and then love yourself with His love - it is awesome to come Home in Him. You can do that on the streets as well. Be free bro and love true and you shall be a blessing to many as you have been to me over the years i've known you.

Take care bro.

nvm

.Mikha'el. said:

I got info about ceremony info today. I'm not making a cross-province trip for one day, but am looking forward to getting my diploma in the mail next month.

Click to expand...

Well done!

Feeling optimistic this morning. i woke up at 4.45am only slightly nauseated however after 10 minutes the tensions and the nausea became bad again. i prayed myself through the next 30 minutes giving God my times of inability and my times of tension, it was hard going. However it worked the nausea went back to acceptable levels and the tensions lessened and then went away.

i've been stressing about coming Friday. The funeral is early in the morning so we will have to leave on Thursday already. Often time i'm sick in the mornings sometimes for hours on end, we are going to stay at Yvonne's sister's place so i will have to got over my morning sickness there. On Saturday we have to shift mum into a single room now dad is gone she is not allowed two rooms and on Sunday Yvonne wants to celebrate mother's day with her mother. That is three nights and three mornings to get through just thinking about it has me stress big time.

If i'm still very unwell on Thursday then i will not be able to go to the funeral. However i really want to bury dad and be there for Yvonne and mum during that time so i hope and pray that i will be okay. i know it has to do a lot with stress so i have been working hard on stress relief and talking about my fears with Yvonne. It does help working it out logically and sensibly instead of through anxiety.

i've been off the 5-htp for about 10 days and the withdrawals are starting to settle down. My mood has improved drastically over the last 4 days. The deadness is basically completely gone. i'm very glad about that. My anxiety has lessened a lot in duration but is still very strong in intensity. My nausea is still bad but i'm vomiting less. Instead of sleeping 10 hours a day i make about 6-7 hours now. Still enough but my days are a lot longer. The tensions have been bad, psychotic levels of intensity, i don't know how i survive them without going psychotic but apart of voices twice i have had no problems.

i think i let anxiety guide me as to when i can go back on 5-htp. At the moment i would still rate my anxiety as bad and it has been for months increasingly so. When that starts to calm down to normal levels then i know the balance has been restored. As a matter of fact all my feelings have gone through the roof going off 5-htp, it worked wonders for my mood disorder at first, i should have used it intermittently, but i didn't. Paying for that now.

Please pray that i will be able to go to the funeral somehow, i hate to let Yvonne down again. Thanks.

Feeling thankful that the tensions are lessening at least. Anxiety is still persistent but i can deal with that reasonably well, it are the tensions pouring down on me that are the worst.

It looks like i might be able to go to the funeral, tomorrow morning will be the deciding time. The last two mornings i prayed myself through the tensions times and only suffered from slight nausea instead of being crippled by it.

Thank you for praying

Feeling happy this morning. Pretty sure i be fine to go to Perth today.

Blessings to all

Depression healing is like rebuiding of the holy Temple and City. Destroyed and rebuilt, that is the way of God's love, so painful but will catch real joy.

blessings to all.