*UPDATE* Please, advice?

.........

Goodness it sounds like your husband has been born into a strange nest of vipers. Some families love drama, deceit and hatred. My dad's mother was like this. My parents moved out of the hometown and state and have very little to do with her.

I am glad your husband has been so much better since the reconciliation and is standing up for you. My advice is to have as little to do with the mother as possible besides polite interactions (on your husbands side). She is not showing herself to be healthy for him or you, or your children. How awful. And I definitely wouldn't want anything to do with the sister in law

I would also make sure to document all this - the online stuff and the texts - in case they do every try to do legal accusations.

SpiritOfHope1 said:

continuing my post from above....

After a year of awkward interactions since this, we moved closer to his brother and sister-in-law wanting a change in our lives. After settling in the new house, strange things started happening. I noticed my cell phone was acting weird, I was getting call after call of strange numbers, hang ups, hundreds of text messages coming in my phone, and it rebooting by itself. It was so bad that I had to take the battery out of my phone and was without a phone for a while. Not long after that, his brother had wrapped up a tech device and put it inside our mailbox. I never heard of a device like this, so when I did some research on it, it could be used to hack inside people's computer's. My husband agreed it was strange and we just didn't use it.

About a month later, we start getting my husbands mother's mail sent to our house. He thought that was strange, we set it aside to eventually give to her, but most of it was junk mail. Then later we felt like we had made a mistake moving there and after many other strange events via strange calls, strange text messages from unknown numbers that his brother and sister-in-law revealed was them later on and made a joke about it, strange computer problems, strange comments about where I would go and feeling followed etc. we realized we were being stalked by our sister-in-law and this had gone on a year or so.

After much thought and confrontation which went no where, we decided it was best to move again. We put the house up for sale, and the sign was not even in the yard for 24 hours went my husband gets a text from his other brother that said, "so you guys are selling your house?" to which my husband replied, "who told you?" the brother says, "sister-in-law saw it", my husband replied, "We haven't even had the sign in the yard for one day yet and we haven't had a chance to tell anyone our decision yet." The brother says, " well thats how she is". My husband sent a group text to everyone in the family explaining the situation, how this was our private business, and what we felt was best for our family. He explained they should have waited for us to break the news, and to also respect our privacy and decisions. His mother was not happy, and sister-in-law gets upset and starts targeting us with insults, and gets my husband's sister and other siblings to join in the harassment.

At this point we realize, his mother is triangulating all of us against each other, and with my sister-in-law wanting to be liked, and regarded as a better daughter-in-law than me, we had a family war start against us. I had a feeling this would happen, and when my husband started sticking up for me....it all turned very ugly.

At this point my sister-in-law makes a video and posts it online, yelling about me, saying how the entire family never liked me, humiliating me, and posted it up publicly for everyone to see. She shared all my private matters publicly, and said that she was speaking for everyone in the family, and that she revealed everyone in the family was faking with me for many years but said oh well the truth hurts, called me disgusting names, said they hate me, and wanted me gone from the family. His sister then writes an email to my husband that she is threatening to have our children taken away. My husband writes her back explaining that kind of behavior is only going to get us to not come around anymore and to stop. She then explained she was writing us off in reply, and she did not care to have a relationship with us anymore and to "RIP". This hurt us, but this was her decision in the end to be influenced by his mother and sister-in-law, and it now drove us apart.

I showed my husband the video my sister-in-law made, and he is extremely hurt and broken at this point. Not only did he lose his father, he was realizing he was put in a situation to have to choose by his mother and family. To leave me or to fight for our marriage.

He stood up for me....but here is the problem. After all of this happened, we moved back to our original town, and they continued to bully, stalk, and harass me online and we suspect offline being followed. There has been social media bullying letting us know they were overhearing our private conversations and what our conversations were about via anonymous alias messages/social media games. They let us know they knew where we lived, what house we bought, etc. This has been going on for 3 years now.

When my husband confronts his mother about it all, she goes into victim mode, blames, guilts, denies, and has even resulted to ignoring my husband's requests to stop the harassment and bullying and refused to take things off the internet. He explained if they stopped, he would bring the kids over again and that we wanted peace and healing too. She not only ignored this request, but now has continued to do it worse than before.

He is sticking to this request and he wont back down. I am distraught over all of this division, and how his mother has gotten everyone against us and he explained to me if she or they wanted a real healing, they would stop the stalking, bullying, and take everything down off the internet. If she really cared about her grandchildren like she says, she would want a real healing. But unfortunately, she is more interested in playing victim and we are just beside ourselves on what more we can do at this point. We still apologized to her and the family, but they have made it clear their true feelings about me.

This entire situation has finally caused a lot of tension in our marriage, and although we keep fighting for our marriage, we are exhausted and growing weary. They also continue to rehash the past and will not let it go.

What do we do? My husband feels he is stuck between being there and giving in to his widower mother, and Jesus calls us to be there for the widows, but Jesus also says to not let anyone come in between a marriage, to cleave to your spouse? We feel she will never stop trying to put a wedge between us, will never stop smear campaigning against me, will not apologize for it. Even when she has tried to be nice in the past, we felt it wasn't genuine because she will speak out both sides of her mouth (one minute being nice, the next insults). Since all this, they write on social media how its all my fault, it isn't that deep, honesty is pain, truth hurts, completely flipped everything around on to me.

She has successfully triangulated the entire family against each other. When we bring that to her attention, she says to my husband last time they spoke about that, "well you need to talk to your siblings and fix it, I am not going to."

I pray every day for peace, for acceptance and true healing. However I have now lost trust. Its taken me some time to forgive, I love them still anyway, as God instructs us to love our enemies, but I am finding it hard to ever trust again after this experience.

Please, help with any advice you have. I love God, I don't want God mad at me, I feel so bad about everything, I ask God for forgiveness and why I have been hated so much as all I wanted was their love and acceptance. I am not perfect either, but I truly just want peace in my marriage....how do you have that when no one else supports it?

Thank you for reading all of this, again I apologize for this being so long.

Click to expand...

Love does not require trust.

Stop expecting such deeply flawed people to treat you right. Make it your own goal to live your life with your husband and children, ... with as little time as possible spent with such toxic people.

I believe that is your only solution. I do not expect these people to change.

Actually, if you demonstrate that you are not going to let them pull you down anymore, ... they may find better things to do with their time.

There is a recent movie out called "Crazy Rich Asians". The story is, mainly, about a girl continuing a relationship with a man whose mother does not want her in the family ... and takes many steps to break them up.

At some point, the girl's friend tells her ... "You don't have to make your boyfriend's mother like you, ... you have to make her RESPECT you. This has to be your position with your mother-in-law. Demonstrate that you are as strong as she is. If she wants to live the rest of her life in a failed quest to break up you and your husband, ... let her. You go on and live your life in the blessing of the Lord. You have a good husband ... and you have beautiful children ... who need for you to be STRONG ... and HEALTHY. Stop letting this woman be a hindrance to you. She doesn't deserve so much power in your life.

Hello, Spirit. I am sorry to learn that this is what you face.

It is a tough situation, but I think the reply from A Thinker was on the right track. Stop trying to work out anything but do expect of your husband that he honor the commitments made to you in marriage.

The Biblical testimony is explicit that when a man takes a wife, she becomes his focus, and it no longer is his parents or siblings.

Of course, one would hope that everybody would be happy together, but if that is impossible it may be necessary for you and he to move away or at least cut the ties. Personally, I doubt very much that anything will change her, so do not sacrifice your marriage with endless attempts to bring that about. You have already done more to try to heal things than most people would have.

SpiritOfHope1 said:

continuing my post from above....

After a year of awkward interactions since this, we moved closer to his brother and sister-in-law wanting a change in our lives. After settling in the new house, strange things started happening. I noticed my cell phone was acting weird, I was getting call after call of strange numbers, hang ups, hundreds of text messages coming in my phone, and it rebooting by itself. It was so bad that I had to take the battery out of my phone and was without a phone for a while. Not long after that, his brother had wrapped up a tech device and put it inside our mailbox. I never heard of a device like this, so when I did some research on it, it could be used to hack inside people's computer's. My husband agreed it was strange and we just didn't use it.

About a month later, we start getting my husbands mother's mail sent to our house. He thought that was strange, we set it aside to eventually give to her, but most of it was junk mail. Then later we felt like we had made a mistake moving there and after many other strange events via strange calls, strange text messages from unknown numbers that his brother and sister-in-law revealed was them later on and made a joke about it, strange computer problems, strange comments about where I would go and feeling followed etc. we realized we were being stalked by our sister-in-law and this had gone on a year or so.

After much thought and confrontation which went no where, we decided it was best to move again. We put the house up for sale, and the sign was not even in the yard for 24 hours went my husband gets a text from his other brother that said, "so you guys are selling your house?" to which my husband replied, "who told you?" the brother says, "sister-in-law saw it", my husband replied, "We haven't even had the sign in the yard for one day yet and we haven't had a chance to tell anyone our decision yet." The brother says, " well thats how she is". My husband sent a group text to everyone in the family explaining the situation, how this was our private business, and what we felt was best for our family. He explained they should have waited for us to break the news, and to also respect our privacy and decisions. His mother was not happy, and sister-in-law gets upset and starts targeting us with insults, and gets my husband's sister and other siblings to join in the harassment.

At this point we realize, his mother is triangulating all of us against each other, and with my sister-in-law wanting to be liked, and regarded as a better daughter-in-law than me, we had a family war start against us. I had a feeling this would happen, and when my husband started sticking up for me....it all turned very ugly.

At this point my sister-in-law makes a video and posts it online, yelling about me, saying how the entire family never liked me, humiliating me, and posted it up publicly for everyone to see. She shared all my private matters publicly, and said that she was speaking for everyone in the family, and that she revealed everyone in the family was faking with me for many years but said oh well the truth hurts, called me disgusting names, said they hate me, and wanted me gone from the family. His sister then writes an email to my husband that she is threatening to have our children taken away. My husband writes her back explaining that kind of behavior is only going to get us to not come around anymore and to stop. She then explained she was writing us off in reply, and she did not care to have a relationship with us anymore and to "RIP". This hurt us, but this was her decision in the end to be influenced by his mother and sister-in-law, and it now drove us apart.

I showed my husband the video my sister-in-law made, and he is extremely hurt and broken at this point. Not only did he lose his father, he was realizing he was put in a situation to have to choose by his mother and family. To leave me or to fight for our marriage.

He stood up for me....but here is the problem. After all of this happened, we moved back to our original town, and they continued to bully, stalk, and harass me online and we suspect offline being followed. There has been social media bullying letting us know they were overhearing our private conversations and what our conversations were about via anonymous alias messages/social media games. They let us know they knew where we lived, what house we bought, etc. This has been going on for 3 years now.

When my husband confronts his mother about it all, she goes into victim mode, blames, guilts, denies, and has even resulted to ignoring my husband's requests to stop the harassment and bullying and refused to take things off the internet. He explained if they stopped, he would bring the kids over again and that we wanted peace and healing too. She not only ignored this request, but now has continued to do it worse than before.

He is sticking to this request and he wont back down. I am distraught over all of this division, and how his mother has gotten everyone against us and he explained to me if she or they wanted a real healing, they would stop the stalking, bullying, and take everything down off the internet. If she really cared about her grandchildren like she says, she would want a real healing. But unfortunately, she is more interested in playing victim and we are just beside ourselves on what more we can do at this point. We still apologized to her and the family, but they have made it clear their true feelings about me.

This entire situation has finally caused a lot of tension in our marriage, and although we keep fighting for our marriage, we are exhausted and growing weary. They also continue to rehash the past and will not let it go.

What do we do? My husband feels he is stuck between being there and giving in to his widower mother, and Jesus calls us to be there for the widows, but Jesus also says to not let anyone come in between a marriage, to cleave to your spouse? We feel she will never stop trying to put a wedge between us, will never stop smear campaigning against me, will not apologize for it. Even when she has tried to be nice in the past, we felt it wasn't genuine because she will speak out both sides of her mouth (one minute being nice, the next insults). Since all this, they write on social media how its all my fault, it isn't that deep, honesty is pain, truth hurts, completely flipped everything around on to me.

She has successfully triangulated the entire family against each other. When we bring that to her attention, she says to my husband last time they spoke about that, "well you need to talk to your siblings and fix it, I am not going to."

I pray every day for peace, for acceptance and true healing. However I have now lost trust. Its taken me some time to forgive, I love them still anyway, as God instructs us to love our enemies, but I am finding it hard to ever trust again after this experience.

Please, help with any advice you have. I love God, I don't want God mad at me, I feel so bad about everything, I ask God for forgiveness and why I have been hated so much as all I wanted was their love and acceptance. I am not perfect either, but I truly just want peace in my marriage....how do you have that when no one else supports it?

Thank you for reading all of this, again I apologize for this being so long.

Click to expand...

Oh my sister im so sorry

Truthfully your husband should sit his mom down and say something along the lines of

i will not leave my wife or family if you cannot respect her i forgive you pray for you but we from this moment on will have no contact until you can be a civil adult

Only thing i can see because trying to startle both will destroy y'all

Also we are to leave our mom and dad and cleave to our wife as the two become one

It sounds like your husband isn't ready to have NO contact with his mother - is that correct?

I know it's a very difficult balance to walk - to try to love others well when they are genuinely toxic people you're dealing with. Boundaries ARE biblical - this podcast, if you're interested, goes into that and explains it well (but your husband and you need to be in agreement with how you'd like to handle it). I pray that the two of you may find peace and unity between the two of you and your little family (you, your husband, and your little ones).

Podcast link------>Therapy & Theology: Setting Healthy Boundaries

Transcript for Setting Healthy Boundaries episode: https://cdn2.proverbs31.org/webcont...heologySettingHealthyBoundaries_SHOWNOTES.pdf

A_Thinker said:

Love does not require trust.

Click to expand...

This is a really good point, especially when we're dealing with people that will, most likely, never be trust-worthy (but those are whom we need to keep at a distance - where they cannot harm us or our family).

That's really awful. It sounds to me very much like a Jezebel spirit. And I don't use that term lightly. Jezebel spirits thrive in this sort of chaos and pitting one against another. This is a spiritual battle (we don't fight against flesh and blood - Eph 6), but you need to be aware and wise.

As I said Jezebel spirits thrive in chaos and therefore they HATE boundaries. The first thing I would suggest is that you and your husband talk about and come to an agreement on healthy boundaries for you and your family, and firmly stick to them.

Based on what you've said here this is my remarks & advice to consider for those boundaries:

• Your marriage and your kids are your #1 priority after your relationship with God. The attack on you and your marriage is also an attack on your kids. The best thing we can do for our kids is demonstrate (as best we can) a strong Godly marriage.

• As someone else said, love is not trust. It appears trust has been destroyed. It is past the time of trying to fix things on your end. That is only being used against you, so:

• Cut off contact from your end (sounds like you may have already done something like this). What I mean is: You and your husband should not initiate contact. Not even to try to smooth things over. Not to try to ask questions. Don't initiate anything. Avoid things like, "if you change you can see your grandkids" That will just be used against you.

• If they initiate contact with you:
  • Be pleasant, but respond as short and distinct as possible.
  • Do not respond to ANYTHING negative... ignore it.
  • After stripping out the negative only respond to whatever is left.
  • Here is a made up unrelated example:
    • Text from difficult person: "Make sure you are here to pick Sue up at 6:00. Last time she got in trouble with her teacher because she was late. You should really be more reliable especially with your own children." (that's Jezebel baiting you)
    • Response: "ok" or "I'll be there by 6"
    • Don't acknowledge that other stuff at all.
  • Same goes for social media. In fact I would even strongly consider unfriending/blocking.

• I'm not sure I followed all the technical stuff, but protect yourself there too. If you think they are spying on you do something about it (without confronting them... that just will cause you grief)
  • Here's a thought, get a security camera or even just some of those stickers that SAY there is a security camera... put the sticker where sister-in-law is sure to see it. She'll love that!

• When/if other's ask you about it don't fall into the trap of complaining or bashing them. Just be polite and move on. Perhaps even say you'd rather not talk about it if needed.

• Pray for them. A lot. Conduct yourself in a way that expects all of the above to be temporary. God is a god of restoration, I've seen some pretty amazing situations restored. But until God finds a way to open that door, protect yourself and your family while at the same time trying not to burn any bridges (on your part). Understand, they have free will and even if you and God want restoration, they can refuse it... that's their problem, not yours.

• Finally, you can't change them, but you can work on making yourself better. Let that be your goal. Don't fall into anger, bitterness, fear, anxiety. Use this time to get set free from those things and become a better person - more like Christ - yourself. That's how you truly beat the spiritual enemies.

Side Note: If I'm correct in this, your mother-in-law doesn't really like your sister-in-law any more than you. She's just found a puppet that will be in agreement with her and help her in her schemes. If the time comes where your sister-in-law is of no more use to her, she'll turn on her on a dime (don't ever say this to her though). Sad, but I've seen it.

Here is another article that actually lays out how a couple can deal with intrusive and interfering in-laws:

Dealing With In-Laws

topher694 said:

Side Note: If I'm correct in this, your mother-in-law doesn't really like your sister-in-law any more than you. She's just found a puppet that will be in agreement with her and help her in her schemes. If the time comes where your sister-in-law is of no more use to her, she'll turn on her on a dime (don't ever say this to her though). Sad, but I've seen it.

Click to expand...

This is true, too (and I would guess the SIL knows this as well - and is fearful of being her target).

SpiritOfHope1 said:

Thank you for all of the replies and insight provided. I just wanted to clarify some details. For about a year, my husband and I have gone no contact with his family. Then about 8 or so months ago, there was another death in his family, a distant relative of his father who lived in another state. His oldest brother (with the mean SIL) texted him to inform him and he decided to then reach out to his mom. It was touch and go, but when he made the offer to bring the kids by in exchange for her taking the insults off social media, she ignored it. The only thing she has done since is send some holiday cards to the kids. Since she has ignored the offer, he hasn't said anything further to anyone in his family. It's sad that it seems shes cares more about making statements on social media than her own son and grand kids, let alone me.

There is also an Aunt who lives across the street from his mom and she has been stuck in the middle of this division which has made this even more complicated.

Click to expand...

There is also a power dynamic going on here.

Your MIL is used to wielding the POWER in her family relations, ... and you and your husband are currently denying her that POWER over you. That's why she won't give in ... even to see her grand-kids. I have actually seen this before ... though not, perhaps, so extreme as what you describe.

My wife related to me that her first MIL wielded such power in her first marriage. Her MIL set up joint family vacations, insisted that my wife's family spend the first part of Christmas day with them, and called regular family meetings to lay down the family code of operation.

When my wife's first husband left her, his family (as led by his mother) ... made a practice of disparaging my wife to the grand-kids when they would visit with them. When the kids (in their teens) asked their grand-parents not to do that, ... they were ordered out of their grand-parents home ... and their grand-parents refused to initiate any contact with them for years afterward.

Before we married, her ex-MIL made a practice of calling on Christmas to berate her ex-DIL for allowing her marriage to go bust (after he had become a habitual adulterer). This would leave my future wife (and her youngest son) in tears for Christmas for a few years.

The best thing that happened to my wife and her boys was the cessation of any contact with her ex in-laws. My step-sons made tentative attempts at contact after they became adults which were largely unsuccessful UNLESSS they allowed their grandmother to continue in her previous destructive patterns. They ultimately opted for little to no contact rather than more.

SpiritOfHope1 said:

continuing my post from above....

After a year of awkward interactions since this, we moved closer to his brother and sister-in-law wanting a change in our lives. After settling in the new house, strange things started happening. I noticed my cell phone was acting weird, I was getting call after call of strange numbers, hang ups, hundreds of text messages coming in my phone, and it rebooting by itself. It was so bad that I had to take the battery out of my phone and was without a phone for a while. Not long after that, his brother had wrapped up a tech device and put it inside our mailbox. I never heard of a device like this, so when I did some research on it, it could be used to hack inside people's computer's. My husband agreed it was strange and we just didn't use it.

About a month later, we start getting my husbands mother's mail sent to our house. He thought that was strange, we set it aside to eventually give to her, but most of it was junk mail. Then later we felt like we had made a mistake moving there and after many other strange events via strange calls, strange text messages from unknown numbers that his brother and sister-in-law revealed was them later on and made a joke about it, strange computer problems, strange comments about where I would go and feeling followed etc. we realized we were being stalked by our sister-in-law and this had gone on a year or so.

After much thought and confrontation which went no where, we decided it was best to move again. We put the house up for sale, and the sign was not even in the yard for 24 hours went my husband gets a text from his other brother that said, "so you guys are selling your house?" to which my husband replied, "who told you?" the brother says, "sister-in-law saw it", my husband replied, "We haven't even had the sign in the yard for one day yet and we haven't had a chance to tell anyone our decision yet." The brother says, " well thats how she is". My husband sent a group text to everyone in the family explaining the situation, how this was our private business, and what we felt was best for our family. He explained they should have waited for us to break the news, and to also respect our privacy and decisions. His mother was not happy, and sister-in-law gets upset and starts targeting us with insults, and gets my husband's sister and other siblings to join in the harassment.

At this point we realize, his mother is triangulating all of us against each other, and with my sister-in-law wanting to be liked, and regarded as a better daughter-in-law than me, we had a family war start against us. I had a feeling this would happen, and when my husband started sticking up for me....it all turned very ugly.

At this point my sister-in-law makes a video and posts it online, yelling about me, saying how the entire family never liked me, humiliating me, and posted it up publicly for everyone to see. She shared all my private matters publicly, and said that she was speaking for everyone in the family, and that she revealed everyone in the family was faking with me for many years but said oh well the truth hurts, called me disgusting names, said they hate me, and wanted me gone from the family. His sister then writes an email to my husband that she is threatening to have our children taken away. My husband writes her back explaining that kind of behavior is only going to get us to not come around anymore and to stop. She then explained she was writing us off in reply, and she did not care to have a relationship with us anymore and to "RIP". This hurt us, but this was her decision in the end to be influenced by his mother and sister-in-law, and it now drove us apart.

I showed my husband the video my sister-in-law made, and he is extremely hurt and broken at this point. Not only did he lose his father, he was realizing he was put in a situation to have to choose by his mother and family. To leave me or to fight for our marriage.

He stood up for me....but here is the problem. After all of this happened, we moved back to our original town, and they continued to bully, stalk, and harass me online and we suspect offline being followed. There has been social media bullying letting us know they were overhearing our private conversations and what our conversations were about via anonymous alias messages/social media games. They let us know they knew where we lived, what house we bought, etc. This has been going on for 3 years now.

When my husband confronts his mother about it all, she goes into victim mode, blames, guilts, denies, and has even resulted to ignoring my husband's requests to stop the harassment and bullying and refused to take things off the internet. He explained if they stopped, he would bring the kids over again and that we wanted peace and healing too. She not only ignored this request, but now has continued to do it worse than before.

He is sticking to this request and he wont back down. I am distraught over all of this division, and how his mother has gotten everyone against us and he explained to me if she or they wanted a real healing, they would stop the stalking, bullying, and take everything down off the internet. If she really cared about her grandchildren like she says, she would want a real healing. But unfortunately, she is more interested in playing victim and we are just beside ourselves on what more we can do at this point. We still apologized to her and the family, but they have made it clear their true feelings about me.

This entire situation has finally caused a lot of tension in our marriage, and although we keep fighting for our marriage, we are exhausted and growing weary. They also continue to rehash the past and will not let it go.

What do we do? My husband feels he is stuck between being there and giving in to his widower mother, and Jesus calls us to be there for the widows, but Jesus also says to not let anyone come in between a marriage, to cleave to your spouse? We feel she will never stop trying to put a wedge between us, will never stop smear campaigning against me, will not apologize for it. Even when she has tried to be nice in the past, we felt it wasn't genuine because she will speak out both sides of her mouth (one minute being nice, the next insults). Since all this, they write on social media how its all my fault, it isn't that deep, honesty is pain, truth hurts, completely flipped everything around on to me.

She has successfully triangulated the entire family against each other. When we bring that to her attention, she says to my husband last time they spoke about that, "well you need to talk to your siblings and fix it, I am not going to."

I pray every day for peace, for acceptance and true healing. However I have now lost trust. Its taken me some time to forgive, I love them still anyway, as God instructs us to love our enemies, but I am finding it hard to ever trust again after this experience.

Please, help with any advice you have. I love God, I don't want God mad at me, I feel so bad about everything, I ask God for forgiveness and why I have been hated so much as all I wanted was their love and acceptance. I am not perfect either, but I truly just want peace in my marriage....how do you have that when no one else supports it?

Thank you for reading all of this, again I apologize for this being so long.

Click to expand...

Genesis 2:24
"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Luke 14:26
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple."

Mark 10:29
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake and for the gospel will fail to receive a hundredfold in the present age—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and fields, along with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life. 31But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.”

So here's the deal....

If you don't know me or have read my other posts, I don't pull punches. I don't sugar coat poop. I don't white wash a train wreck.

I call it exactly how I see it. That means I come across as harsh, but I am being open and honest, and I'm only doing it because I hope it will help you. With that as the backdrop...

1. This entire thing is a job for your husband. This his deal. This is his job. This is the duty he called to. He needs to be reading this.

Buddy, if you are reading this, you need to step it up. This is your family, and your mother, that is trying to do everything in her power to destroy your family. If you don't read those verses above, and act accordingly to protect your wife and your family, then you have failed in your G-d given mission to be a protector of your home.

You need to do this, not only for your wife, but also your daughter. Your daughter needs to see you model what a man does to protect his family. That way when your daughter looks for a husband of her own, she'll find a strong man that will protect her and her family the same way you protect your family. You need to step this up big time. This has gone on long enough. You need to end it.

2. Your turn darling. You need cut this stuff out. Why are you talking to these people? You know... you KNOW that they don't like you. You know it. It's not hidden. They are not hiding their intent. They are open and honest that they are trying to destroy you. Stop talking to them. Cut them out of your life.

Stop trying to be friends and smooth things over. They don't want to be your friend. You know that already, yet you keep asking 'what did I do'. You didn't do nothing. They just don't like you. Why? Because we live in a sin cursed screwed up world, and these are fallen broken people. Why did they crucify Jesus, when all he did was heal people and teach them to follow G-d?

You have continued to say "showed her grace and compassion" & "to show her mercy". I understand that as Christians we are to forgive, and be kind at all times. We are even to suffer for our faith. Those Coptic Christians slaughtered by ISIS in Libya are an inspiration to all of us, on what standing on your faith means.

But you are not suffering for your faith. You are suffering because some person with evil in her heart, just wants to harm you.

Being a Christian and showing mercy, does not mean being a doormat. We're Christians, not road kill.

Now, if you'll give a another minute of your time, I have two quick stories, and I hope you'll see how they apply.

Well known pastor with a large ministry, has a story about marrying a women that was abandoned, and divorced. For whatever reason, his parents heated this women. They didn't talk to her, didn't pay attention to her. Caused all kinds of problems. He says that he realized he had to do something.

And this is what your husband needs to read.... And Brother if you are reading this, you need to be the one to do this. You need to confront the evil that threatens your family, not your wife.

This pastor called a family meeting, and brought his wife. He put her in the middle of the room, and stood behind her "This is my wife"... and then said she was the most important person in his life, and if he has to choose between his parents and her, then they would lose. No more grand kids. No more family get together. They would change phone numbers, and change where they lived, and they would never see any of them again.

Now in his case, the mental smack down worked. The parents accepted her from then on. But they might not have, and he openly said he fully intended to do that.

Second story, is my own. When I first moved out from my parents, my mother tried to control every thing that I did. She would call, and tell me where to go, what to do, and then berate me if I didn't do what I was asked (told) to do.

Finally, I told her over the phone is direct term "Mom, if you don't cut this out, I'll disconnect this phone number, move to a new apartment you don't know about, and you'll never see me again"

And I meant every word.

Point being... your husband needs to confront. Direct clear confrontation. None of this beating around the bush, and sending emails back and forth, and crying at people. They don't care they are hurting you.

Your husband needs to sit down, and lay these people out.

So here is my advice on what to do.

Your husband.... not you.... your husband, needs to have a final intervention. Dude, if you are reading this... you need to do this. One final, group meeting. This is not a discussion, not a question and answer session, not a group therapy meeting.

This is an ultimatum.

You spell it out.... G-d have allowed you to find a woman, a woman that is willing to spend the rest of her life with you, and you have made the choice to spend your life with her. You tell them that. "This is my wife.... Period". You tell them, the deal is, they either accept her, or you and her will disappear.

And I got to tell you brother, a lot of guys would give their left nut, to be with a woman that has put up with so much to be faithful to you. So breaking it off with your crazy family seems like a good trade in my book.

Based on what I've read here, I don't think your family is going to accept her. They have all bought into the crazy so much, I don't see them coming around.

So here is what you do if they reject your ultimatum.

Move far away.

My parents church had a good pastor... truly he was a good man. But he was overly controlling of his kids. They all moved out of state. We're in Ohio. One kid, after he got married, realized he would never be free to raise his family his way, as long as he was in an hours drive. He moved all the way to
Bealeton, Virginia, from Columbus, Ohio. Why? 7 Hour drive. His entire family greatly improved just because they were so far away.

This is what you need to do. You need to get away from the crazy. You need to be far enough away from your family, that they can't drive by on the weekend.

And you need to cut people out of your life, that intend to harm you. Facebook has blocking. Use it. Block those people. Your phone has blocking. Use it. Block their email. Block their facebook. Block their voice mail. Block them out of your life.

Stop the abuse.

Change your phone number if you need to. Don't tell anyone where you are going. They don't need to know. They don't need to know your new address. There is no letter you want.

"but I tucked the letter away and carried on trying my best to ignore it."

Woman, I want you to get this evil letter his mother wrote. I want you to do this. Today if possible. Get a pan and a lighter. Go outside someplace. On the driveway, or some other place that can't catch fire.

Light that evil disgusting letter on fire in that pan, and I want you to watch it burn. When the fire goes out, I want you to dig a tiny hole, and dump those ashes in that hole. Then I want you to say with your mouth.....

"Lord, I am giving you the ashes of all the pain and sorrow from the injustice I've been dealt. From now on, I'm leaving those ashes for you in this hole, and I'm going to move forward".

And let it go. The next letter you get from this woman, you throw in the trash. You don't read it, or give it to your husband. And there will not be another video, because you are block that crazy person. You block them. And you block whoever tells you about that video.

And show this to your husband too.... DUDE... next time one of your crazy family says something bad, you don't tell your wife. You protect your family, by ignoring these evil people that are trying to destroy your family.

And you don't ask your husband either. Don't ask if they said something mean.

Both of you need to cut this cancer out of your life.

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Leave.... United to his wife. You don't need this crazy extended family. Ditch them. I would move to a new city. Find a cheap rental. Like a townhouse. Live there for 1 year. Find out if that place works for you, and then buy a home, after renting a year. Don't tell your relatives where you are. Block them on social media, and on your phones. Don't let the crazy back into your lives, when you move.

That's my advice. I wish you both the best.

If you can help it; cut all contact with her but if you can't then pray fervently because there's a power tussle going on and it seems like your husband isn't the head of your family but your MIL. She's using manipulation to get him to submit to her authority and she hates you because she feels you're making him resist her. You will have to endure her while you keep praying for her to change.

SpiritOfHope1 said:

Thank you again everyone for all of your good advice. I have a lot of soul searching to do on this and I wonder about our future. I believe what I am dealing with and have been for a long time with her is covert narcissism/Jezebel spirit. Now that she is a widow, I am finding the guilt in going no contact to be very difficult. However I also feel we need to protect our family as well, and a lot of the ongoing emotional abuse has been subtle. I know she is the one behind the bullying online and also setting others up to be her side kicks in this sick game. Although she will not admit to it, which makes me realize just how unconscious she really is. That is enough for me to keep my distance. Overcoming the guilt about it though... will be a journey.

Click to expand...

It's a really difficult situation. Stay strong and keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great!

Andrew77 said:

Genesis 2:24
"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Luke 14:26
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple."

Mark 10:29
“Truly I tell you,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for My sake and for the gospel will fail to receive a hundredfold in the present age—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and fields, along with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life. 31But many who are first will be last, and the last will be first.”

So here's the deal....

If you don't know me or have read my other posts, I don't pull punches. I don't sugar coat poop. I don't white wash a train wreck.

I call it exactly how I see it. That means I come across as harsh, but I am being open and honest, and I'm only doing it because I hope it will help you. With that as the backdrop...

1. This entire thing is a job for your husband. This his deal. This is his job. This is the duty he called to. He needs to be reading this.

Buddy, if you are reading this, you need to step it up. This is your family, and your mother, that is trying to do everything in her power to destroy your family. If you don't read those verses above, and act accordingly to protect your wife and your family, then you have failed in your G-d given mission to be a protector of your home.

You need to do this, not only for your wife, but also your daughter. Your daughter needs to see you model what a man does to protect his family. That way when your daughter looks for a husband of her own, she'll find a strong man that will protect her and her family the same way you protect your family. You need to step this up big time. This has gone on long enough. You need to end it.

2. Your turn darling. You need cut this stuff out. Why are you talking to these people? You know... you KNOW that they don't like you. You know it. It's not hidden. They are not hiding their intent. They are open and honest that they are trying to destroy you. Stop talking to them. Cut them out of your life.

Stop trying to be friends and smooth things over. They don't want to be your friend. You know that already, yet you keep asking 'what did I do'. You didn't do nothing. They just don't like you. Why? Because we live in a sin cursed screwed up world, and these are fallen broken people. Why did they crucify Jesus, when all he did was heal people and teach them to follow G-d?

You have continued to say "showed her grace and compassion" & "to show her mercy". I understand that as Christians we are to forgive, and be kind at all times. We are even to suffer for our faith. Those Coptic Christians slaughtered by ISIS in Libya are an inspiration to all of us, on what standing on your faith means.

But you are not suffering for your faith. You are suffering because some person with evil in her heart, just wants to harm you.

Being a Christian and showing mercy, does not mean being a doormat. We're Christians, not road kill.

Now, if you'll give a another minute of your time, I have two quick stories, and I hope you'll see how they apply.

Well known pastor with a large ministry, has a story about marrying a women that was abandoned, and divorced. For whatever reason, his parents heated this women. They didn't talk to her, didn't pay attention to her. Caused all kinds of problems. He says that he realized he had to do something.

And this is what your husband needs to read.... And Brother if you are reading this, you need to be the one to do this. You need to confront the evil that threatens your family, not your wife.

This pastor called a family meeting, and brought his wife. He put her in the middle of the room, and stood behind her "This is my wife"... and then said she was the most important person in his life, and if he has to choose between his parents and her, then they would lose. No more grand kids. No more family get together. They would change phone numbers, and change where they lived, and they would never see any of them again.

Now in his case, the mental smack down worked. The parents accepted her from then on. But they might not have, and he openly said he fully intended to do that.

Second story, is my own. When I first moved out from my parents, my mother tried to control every thing that I did. She would call, and tell me where to go, what to do, and then berate me if I didn't do what I was asked (told) to do.

Finally, I told her over the phone is direct term "Mom, if you don't cut this out, I'll disconnect this phone number, move to a new apartment you don't know about, and you'll never see me again"

And I meant every word.

Point being... your husband needs to confront. Direct clear confrontation. None of this beating around the bush, and sending emails back and forth, and crying at people. They don't care they are hurting you.

Your husband needs to sit down, and lay these people out.

So here is my advice on what to do.

Your husband.... not you.... your husband, needs to have a final intervention. Dude, if you are reading this... you need to do this. One final, group meeting. This is not a discussion, not a question and answer session, not a group therapy meeting.

This is an ultimatum.

You spell it out.... G-d have allowed you to find a woman, a woman that is willing to spend the rest of her life with you, and you have made the choice to spend your life with her. You tell them that. "This is my wife.... Period". You tell them, the deal is, they either accept her, or you and her will disappear.

And I got to tell you brother, a lot of guys would give their left nut, to be with a woman that has put up with so much to be faithful to you. So breaking it off with your crazy family seems like a good trade in my book.

Based on what I've read here, I don't think your family is going to accept her. They have all bought into the crazy so much, I don't see them coming around.

So here is what you do if they reject your ultimatum.

Move far away.

My parents church had a good pastor... truly he was a good man. But he was overly controlling of his kids. They all moved out of state. We're in Ohio. One kid, after he got married, realized he would never be free to raise his family his way, as long as he was in an hours drive. He moved all the way to
Bealeton, Virginia, from Columbus, Ohio. Why? 7 Hour drive. His entire family greatly improved just because they were so far away.

This is what you need to do. You need to get away from the crazy. You need to be far enough away from your family, that they can't drive by on the weekend.

And you need to cut people out of your life, that intend to harm you. Facebook has blocking. Use it. Block those people. Your phone has blocking. Use it. Block their email. Block their facebook. Block their voice mail. Block them out of your life.

Stop the abuse.

Change your phone number if you need to. Don't tell anyone where you are going. They don't need to know. They don't need to know your new address. There is no letter you want.

"but I tucked the letter away and carried on trying my best to ignore it."

Woman, I want you to get this evil letter his mother wrote. I want you to do this. Today if possible. Get a pan and a lighter. Go outside someplace. On the driveway, or some other place that can't catch fire.

Light that evil disgusting letter on fire in that pan, and I want you to watch it burn. When the fire goes out, I want you to dig a tiny hole, and dump those ashes in that hole. Then I want you to say with your mouth.....

"Lord, I am giving you the ashes of all the pain and sorrow from the injustice I've been dealt. From now on, I'm leaving those ashes for you in this hole, and I'm going to move forward".

And let it go. The next letter you get from this woman, you throw in the trash. You don't read it, or give it to your husband. And there will not be another video, because you are block that crazy person. You block them. And you block whoever tells you about that video.

And show this to your husband too.... DUDE... next time one of your crazy family says something bad, you don't tell your wife. You protect your family, by ignoring these evil people that are trying to destroy your family.

And you don't ask your husband either. Don't ask if they said something mean.

Both of you need to cut this cancer out of your life.

"That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."

Leave.... United to his wife. You don't need this crazy extended family. Ditch them. I would move to a new city. Find a cheap rental. Like a townhouse. Live there for 1 year. Find out if that place works for you, and then buy a home, after renting a year. Don't tell your relatives where you are. Block them on social media, and on your phones. Don't let the crazy back into your lives, when you move.

That's my advice. I wish you both the best.

Click to expand...

This is some great advice. The only thing I'd change is to not give them that last contact. Go dark on them right now; they have had enough chances.

Like Andrew said, move far away. When I got to the point in your story that you moved back to your hometown I was very sad to read that....you need to move across the country.

Also, replace your phones if they have ever been out of your custody while at their homes. You can get almost new used ones on Craigslist or ebay. It seems a spying device may have been planted somewhere, unless, do you use baby monitors? Sometimes the frequency on those can be picked up by other devices. When you move keep an eye out for a weird node on your belongings.

Spend some time on your marriage, healing with each other. It seems like the two of you are a strong team... renew the strength by spending alone time together, without the kids. Here are some great resources about the change that dating again can make in your marriage. Please read them when you have some down time; there's a lot of material there. Many people would find setting aside that time intimidating, but the pure joy of a blissful marriage introduces emotional and other efficiencies in your day to day. It's totally worth it. Plus the joy you find in each other will add to the balm of healing after being so despicably abused for so long.

Dating the One You Married Series of Articles (Marriage Builders®,...

Be on the same page with your husband, strengthen your communication and relationship . Distance yourself from your in laws and let your husband deal with them.