Relationally-safe compassion

Don't invite people into your life, home, or heart immediately. Be kind. Be a good listener. Be a good neighbor. Give any good, helpful advice that you can.

But I have found that being overly friendly and familiar with people I don't know well off the bat has caused problems. It has lead to me being in a situation where the other person becomes dependent, behaves inappropriately, or expects a level of commitment that I actually can't give.

Each family and individual is different and comes with their own unique quirks, that's why I believe prayer is the best one answer-all around strategy.

It's good that you have a heart for troubled families. That's a ministry of sorts and If your going to expose your children to these troubled individuals you will need to prepare them in advance. You need to make sure they are strong enough not to be influenced or harmed by these individuals. If not, you will need to keep them away from the trouble.

As much as we have the heart to help, we would still need to keep ourselves and families safe while blessing others. If this is part of your profession for outreach mission, then the more you need to safe guard your safety, as well as all those around you.

Even if you are helping others on your own and not part of any organization or church but because you care and love people, preventive measures would still be needed. If the family that you are helping is for the first time, then getting to know them will be the first thing to do. I do agree with what @Gracia Singh has said about not inviting them to your life and home till you know them. It is only when you feel comfortable and safe with them that you should let your family to be part of it. If you have young children, the influence that they get may become irreversible if you are not careful. This is not being judgemental or pessimistic but more for safety reasons, for you and your family.

Another thing to take note of, is whether if the families that you are helping are genuinely in need of your help or if they do, are they using their problematic situation to ensnare kind people to help them and in turn taking advantage of them? Many of these have happened - for example, financial loss - when the troubled family demands increasing more on financial help while the able people in the family who are capable of work choose to remain unemployed since financial support is made available to them so easily. Hence, there is no need for them to find a job to support themselves. Some others may require emotional support that they get so dependent that may directly or indirectly cause their helpers (like yourself) to become emotionally drained or worse still, burn out.

I personally have worked with many troubled individuals and families and some are quite extreme cases like crime offenders, family violence, drug addicts, etc. Hence physical and emotional safety and self-protection will always be at the top list.

Despite whatever we have said and will do, prayers will always be an ongoing and daily need of our lives. Meditate on Psalm 91 for God's divine protection, and take refuge under His wings. A thousand may fall at your side, and ten thousand at your right hand, but it shall not come near you. Whatever that happens or will happen, trust in the Lord with all thine heart (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I pray for you and your family's safety and protection in the name of our Lord Jesus.

ChicanaRose said:

Some families befriend troubled families without judgment. But sometimes their own kids are pulled into a bad influence by a child from a troubled family.

I have my own share of befriending people from all kinds of backgrounds without judgment, then these people turning out to be relationally-unsafe or even harmful (especially when I set boundaries).

Then how do you maintain the balance as a Christian single or family, where you befriend people without judgment but still keep yourself or your family safe?

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Have a network of prayer support, Define boundaries before arrival (some wont come then), establish a short term trial period. For example If we have an addict to stay, they must have no phone or internet. We are remote and our location is confidential.

ChicanaRose said:

Some families befriend troubled families without judgment. But sometimes their own kids are pulled into a bad influence by a child from a troubled family.

I have my own share of befriending people from all kinds of backgrounds without judgment, then these people turning out to be relationally-unsafe or even harmful (especially when I set boundaries).

Then how do you maintain the balance as a Christian single or family, where you befriend people without judgment but still keep yourself or your family safe?

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Repentance from sin should be a part of all Christians lives. If those who you are helping are professing believers, you should see that.

Also, a person seeking temporary assistance to get to a better place will be actively working toward that end. If all you ever hear is "Give me" - it's time to set some boundaries. If they walk away because "it's not enough" let 'em go.

I needed more appropriate housing. I applied for a Habitat for Humanity house. I did more than my fair share of "sweat equity". There's a principle in the Scripture that if you don't work, you don't eat. I'm a 100% service connected disabled veteran who's been on crutches for the past 9 years; but I still worked on my house.

There's the dividing line. Someone wants something, they better be willing to work for it!

Many years ago, a black minister took me and some other Christian on a learning tour of his urban ministry in the Cabrini Green ghetto of Chicago. Afterward, he bought us to his house in a nice suburb of Chicago to meet his wife and children.

I asked him why he didn't live among the people he ministered to. He answered that he didn't want his family to suffer for his ministry. I respected his decision because it was doing the work the few would do.

Unless your entire family feels led by God to serve and suffer for your ministry, I think that you should keep these areas of your life separate. Your priorities should be: God first, family second, and then ministry.

This has bothered me for years. My church experiences have pushed me in the direction of total, radical sola scriptura. But sometimes there's just no specific guidance in the Bible on something. Only hints as to why that is...

Jesus never healed a family. He only healed individuals. His words on family are often a bit hostile - "not peace but a sword." Maybe the whole idea of trying to fix a family is unbiblical?

ChicanaRose said:

Some families befriend troubled families without judgment. But sometimes their own kids are pulled into a bad influence by a child from a troubled family.

I have my own share of befriending people from all kinds of backgrounds without judgment, then these people turning out to be relationally-unsafe or even harmful (especially when I set boundaries).

Then how do you maintain the balance as a Christian single or family, where you befriend people without judgment but still keep yourself or your family safe?

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The answer to that question is different for different people. There is no 5 steps to good boundaries.

For some people, the boundaries are quite thick. Mike Pense famously said he never wanted to be alone with a woman that wasn't family.

That's a hard fast rule. But Jesus talked alone with the woman at the well. Of course we're not Jesus.

So it is different for different people. We all have to wrestle with where the boundaries are.

At the same time, you have to be mindful of who you are dealing with. Some people you can have loose boundaries, because they are moral people. Others you need to be more careful about. A boundary for one friend, may not be required for another.

This is life. Life is messy. You simply have to think carefully as you can, and don't put yourself or someone else, in a risky situation. And it's hard. That's just how it is.

Ironically it's thinking about this kind of stuff, that makes me believe that Heaven will be truly awesome.

Think about it... when we're in Heaven, you can be friends with absolutely anyone, and have no boundaries whatsoever... and no fear because sin has been eliminated. Hard to even think about, isn't it?

ChicanaRose said:

Yes. Relationships on this earth are so difficult.

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And complex.... we just need to work around our comfort zone.