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Endeavourer

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I don't think there's a manual for (Women need X to be happy...)

Well, you're in luck because yes there is.

Can you help me define that?

Yes I can.

My own marriage operates with that manual. My husband and I are in the 4th year of the glow of a honeymoon that only keeps getting brighter and better. Yet we had to blend families, including 4 teenagers, (notoriously difficult and the reason why most 2nd marriages fail) and a change of agreement in one of those nonnegotiable areas to overcome. We did all of that without a single fight because we refused to indulge in lovebusters.

Start with this link for an overview:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts (Marriage Builders®,...

On the right you'll see a link for Lovebusters. Those are several simple categories of behaviors that are most likely to destroy a relationship. You can become a pro in identifying those behaviors to the point that avoiding them is instinctive. I studied the marriagebuilders 101 section on his forum voraciously where you can see his advice about these behaviors being applied to real life situations. I've probably studied every thread on that section, lol. I've trained myself to be unable to commit a lovebuster unless I do so intentionally. So that makes it easy.

You'll also see a link for emotional needs. These describe simple categories of behaviors that deposit units into the other person's love account. Those are way less difficult to absorb so you don't have to study as much.

Finally, the link about the Policy of Joint Agreement is key, but first read the link with the Giver and Taker to have the correct framework of understanding. My husband and I never need to argue over anything because we both know that, per that policy, we'll both be enthusiastic about whatever outcome is decided. This elimnates emotion about whether we're getting our way or whether the other person's position is stressing us out because we're worried we'll be coerced into it. We actually enjoy negotiating conflict because we do it within a framework of loving respect, and we both know that the outcome is something we'll be enthusiastic about, so we don't get attached to any particular option. We know that we'll be enthusiastic about the end option. Again, studying the marriagebuilders 101 threads on the forum was really helpful in seeing the application in real life situations.

So that's an overview of the manual. Becoming instinctive about recognizing lovebusters is your first vital step.
 
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Endeavourer

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I mean... I don't think my issue is medium, I think my issue is delivery. I call it charisma,

You actually have lots charisma in this medium (exchanging written paragraphs). Your delivery here is appealing. A lot of women could fall in love with Emosoundlogic.

II fumble when it comes to showing who I really am regardless of the medium.

You're doing fine here.

People who take the time to get to know me, or have LONG drawn out conversations, realize lol you're nothing like you describe, but how the heck do I change that? The only way I know is to get a translator lol!

You can be your own translator. Just pick your best weapon. If your aim with a pistol sucks, use a rifle with a scope.

Seriously, give some thought to getting to know someone via email (not texts) before meeting them in person. It seems you'll be more successful in communicating who you are that way.

A semi-long distance relationship would seem a natural fit for you, as long as you also have direct interpersonal time, like those all-day dates. What do you think of that?
 
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Emosoundlogic

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Well, you're in luck because yes there is.



Yes I can.

My own marriage operates with that manual. My husband and I are in the 4th year of the glow of a honeymoon that only keeps getting brighter and better. Yet we had to blend families, including 4 teenagers, (notoriously difficult and the reason why most 2nd marriages fail) and a change of agreement in one of those nonnegotiable areas to overcome. We did all of that without a single fight because we refused to indulge in lovebusters.

Start with this link for an overview:
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts (Marriage Builders®,...

On the right you'll see a link for Lovebusters. Those are several simple categories of behaviors that are most likely to destroy a relationship. You can become a pro in identifying those behaviors to the point that avoiding them is instinctive. I studied the marriagebuilders 101 section on his forum voraciously where you can see his advice about these behaviors being applied to real life situations. I've probably studied every thread on that section, lol. I've trained myself to be unable to commit a lovebuster unless I do so intentionally. So that makes it easy.

You'll also see a link for emotional needs. These describe simple categories of behaviors that deposit units into the other person's love account. Those are way less difficult to absorb so you don't have to study as much.

Finally, the link about the Policy of Joint Agreement is key, but first read the link with the Giver and Taker to have the correct framework of understanding. My husband and I never need to argue over anything because we both know that, per that policy, we'll both be enthusiastic about whatever outcome is decided. This elimnates emotion about whether we're getting our way or whether the other person's position is stressing us out because we're worried we'll be coerced into it. We actually enjoy negotiating conflict because we do it within a framework of loving respect, and we both know that the outcome is something we'll be enthusiastic about, so we don't get attached to any particular option. We know that we'll be enthusiastic about the end option. Again, studying the marriagebuilders 101 threads on the forum was really helpful in seeing the application in real life situations.

So that's an overview of the manual. Becoming instinctive about recognizing lovebusters is your first vital step.

Okay, let's talk profile pictures. Since we've identified I need to focus on one of my 3 major aspects, at least for a dating approach, let them find out about the others through the process. I would think the best is to lead with the active lifestyle guy.

So, here are all of my active pictures, we can discuss which ones work and which don't.

Some of them are a bit dated, from 2 years ago up until present: Imgur
 
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Emosoundlogic

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You actually have lots charisma in this medium (exchanging written paragraphs). Your delivery here is appealing. A lot of women could fall in love with Emosoundlogic.



You're doing fine here.



You can be your own translator. Just pick your best weapon. If your aim with a pistol sucks, use a rifle with a scope.

Seriously, give some thought to getting to know someone via email (not texts) before meeting them in person. It seems you'll be more successful in communicating who you are that way.

A semi-long distance relationship would seem a natural fit for you, as long as you also have direct interpersonal time, like those all-day dates. What do you think of that?


That sounds like a pen pal lol, I mean, long distance sucks because there's no way to build any intimacy, you're just writing letters to someone who could be a 12 year old boy... Unless you use skype, and then why not just be on a date right? I dunno, I think long distance is a BAD idea for me, especially because I'm going to get 0 deposits in my love bank that way.
 
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Endeavourer

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The one with the yellow wall where you are smiling is awesome. Very attractive. But, the pose, while it comes across as a fun and goofy moment, is kind of preening. You could recreate that one without the pose. I also liked what the parachuting one communicated. The one with the barrel in the air created interest. So those were my three favorites.

Most of the weightlifting ones don't show you in a good light because you are too focused on that activity so your personality doesn't come through. If I were a woman and saw that collection of pics I'd have the sense we wouldn't have much in common. The ratio of weightlifting activity pics to the others makes you seem unidimensional.

You can afford a professional photographer. When people want to sell their homes they hire one. Get a photographer to help you take some good candids.

You'll want a variety of dimensions in the pictures. These pics show your manly man side but you need to show the other sides of you, too. Include one manly man one to communicate that you are, as you put it, a beast when it comes to protecting your own.

Get candid poses that allow her to imagine her doing a variety of fun activities with you. One of those should be a dress up for nice dinner shot.

Don't forget the smile. The smile in the pic with the yellow wall was irresistible.

And never ever again say your problem is your looks. It's a cruel way to bully yourself and it's not true.
 
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Endeavourer

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That sounds like a pen pal lol, I mean, long distance sucks because there's no way to build any intimacy, you're just writing letters to someone who could be a 12 year old boy... Unless you use skype, and then why not just be on a date right? I dunno, I think long distance is a BAD idea for me, especially because I'm going to get 0 deposits in my love bank that way.

Semi long distance, perhaps within 200 miles. At least 100 miles away. This formats your relationship so the getting-to-know each other back and forth during the week is via emails, but you can spend your whole Saturdays together, or your whole Sundays. No one is going to drive 200 miles for a breakfast on a Saturday, so the expectation would be that you spend the majority of the day together.

Stay away from Skype until she has a better idea of who you are.

This breaks you out of the medium where you meet each other for a shorter date before you know much about each other since that hasn't been working as well for you.

You won't get any fewer deposits this way than you are with a method that's not working for you now. I think you'll be surprised at how well two people can bond via email.

My husband and I lived 100 miles away from each other so we were kind of stuck in this format, and I told you how quickly we fell in love. He claims he fell in love with me before he saw me... and, lol, I have an email to prove it. I told you I knew he was likely the one before I heard his last name in an earlier post. 100 miles apart was close enough for long weekly dates to make sure all the in between talk was real.
 
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derpytia

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So, my personal belief, while not discrediting yours, is that women have very little understanding of how men view sex, generally speaking. It is a drive that I would say out weighs even hunger for us. So I think that passage that paul is talking about burning with desire, it's VERY fitting because it is a constant continuous flame that is never extinguished, at least until we age and our testosterone declines naturally and we get fat and it drops further and then we basically stop really caring as much, I hear.

But, I think it's very cruel to expect men to just "control themselves" for years and years. That's what leads to men doing desperate and regrettable things. That's why so many men cheat on their wives when the sex stops, or they get divorced etc. Imagine if you couldn't experience emotional gratification without a romantic partner, and couldn't experience it WITH that partner until you were married. I think you'd have a very different perspective, my two cents.

But that still doesn't make it a good excuse in the eyes of God. :/

Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

Though you Christian men may burn with desire, you are still expected to remain chaste. You may not go out and cheat on your wives (if you are married) or go have sex with any woman you want. It's not a far cry to say you should not view women as mere objects of sexual desire either. Believe me, when a Christian woman finds out you are seeing her just because you have the intent to marry her because you want sex so badly she'll become extremely uncomfortable and might just drop you like a hot potato.

There's more to getting emotional gratification with your romantic partner outside of having sex. Women (including me) are in tune with our emotions and we have no problem finding emotional gratification without sex. Perhaps you can learn a thing or two from us.
 
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derpytia

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"Righteous sex". That's a new one. Folks in the 60's were no doubt having alot of that before AIDS came around.

And I don't think there's anything wrong with desiring physical intimacy. The real problem is that's a two way street.

Lol! I couldn't think of a better term!! Safe sex wouldn't have been right because that doesn't imply sex in the marriage bed. Lemme know if you know a better term. :p

As for it being a two way street, yes it is. That's why constant consent is key for both parties. As soon as one or the other says stop or no, then any intimacy should be stopped. People can get uncomfortable at any point and that's okay. Loving partners should respect that.
 
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Emosoundlogic

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But that still doesn't make it a good excuse in the eyes of God. :/

Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."

Though you Christian men may burn with desire, you are still expected to remain chaste. You may not go out and cheat on your wives (if you are married) or go have sex with any woman you want. It's not a far cry to say you should not view women as mere objects of sexual desire either. Believe me, when a Christian woman finds out you are seeing her just because you have the intent to marry her because you want sex so badly she'll become extremely uncomfortable and might just drop you like a hot potato.

There's more to getting emotional gratification with your romantic partner outside of having sex. Women (including me) are in tune with our emotions and we have no problem finding emotional gratification without sex. Perhaps you can learn a thing or two from us.

Okay, sure, but how many men are able to actually do that? Very few, so I mean it can be a sin, and it can be the law, but men aren't able to stick to it this day and age, so we're needing more grace than they did in times past imo.
 
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derpytia

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Okay, sure, but how many men are able to actually do that? Very few, so I mean it can be a sin, and it can be the law, but men aren't able to stick to it this day and age, so we're needing more grace than they did in times past imo.

Still not an excuse. If your fellow man decided to worship evil and their reasoning is, "Well, following God isn't easy like it used to be." would you then decide to worship evil too?

You are a Christian. God calls you to be in the world but not of the world. Time to start getting serious about what side you choose to be on and act like it.
 
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YJM

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So, the bible is pretty clear when it comes to pre-marital sex. It's a sin. Why, that can be debated, but that's not something I want to do. I personally don't have an issue with the idea of abstinence until marriage, there's a pretty good amount of non-biblical proof to support it anyway.

My issue is simple... I think the western, modern church, has failed singles.

Paul makes it quite clear that it is better to marry than to burn with desire. However, in that day, a man such as myself, could literally buy a wife. I make very good money.

My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage.

THANK GOD FOR THOSE GODLY WOMEN WHO WANT TO MAKE SURE.....

I am 33 years old. I had it rough getting started, let's just say I was sexualized at a very young age without even knowing what it was, and then given unrestricted internet access that you can imagine created problems for me.

I've been a Christian since I was like 5, and I've wrestled with this issue since I was like 16. Not trying to dig up years and years of therapy, but I'm not a typical guy, I have a lot of damage in this area.

Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex.

I personally don't think that's how it was meant to be, and I think we unduly suffer because of it. I think the church has abandoned us in this area.

"I was sexualised at an early age".
"I was given unrestricted internet access".
"My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage."
"Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex."

"you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one"

I'm actually not surprised at all. Given what you've said I'd be even more surprised if you found a spiritual woman to even put up with you. I had to keep reminding myself you were referring to a lady and not a McDonalds Happy Meal with Large Fries.

Wow.

If I was a woman I'd run a mile from you.

Whatever happened to you keeping your thoughts and penis under control and staying single for Christ UNTIL and IF he brings a godly woman to you...not so you can get your rocks off but so that you can be one in Christ?

Perhaps Christ's will is for you to be single?

At first reading I have to say you present a picture to me that you see a woman as a banging shop that will help you feel less frustrated.....

You start your post with excuses for why you think the way you do.
Then you express frustration with the amount of TIME to get "a woman".
Then you express more frustration about the time it takes said woman to have sex.

LADIES PLEASE RUN A MILE!!!!!
 
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Endeavourer

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"I was sexualised at an early age".
"I was given unrestricted internet access".
"My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage."
"Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex."

"you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one"

I'm actually not surprised at all. Given what you've said I'd be even more surprised if you found a spiritual woman to even put up with you. I had to keep reminding myself you were referring to a lady and not a McDonalds Happy Meal with Large Fries.

Wow.

If I was a woman I'd run a mile from you.

Whatever happened to you keeping your thoughts and penis under control and staying single for Christ UNTIL and IF he brings a godly woman to you...not so you can get your rocks off but so that you can be one in Christ?

Perhaps Christ's will is for you to be single?

At first reading I have to say you present a picture to me that you see a woman as a banging shop that will help you feel less frustrated.....

You start your post with excuses for why you think the way you do.
Then you express frustration with the amount of TIME to get "a woman".
Then you express more frustration about the time it takes said woman to have sex.

LADIES PLEASE RUN A MILE!!!!!

Your post is cruel.

So anyone who was abused at an early age and raised by negligent parents is just garbage, and would never be considered as a good match?

Men who are diligently trying to contain their lustful eye while they are longing for the companionship of a wife should be excluded from consideration because they're real enough to admit it?

My husband is one of the most tenderhearted, Godly, beautiful men I've ever met. He is every woman's dream husband. He is quite open about how much of a struggle this was for him until he was married at 27. His physiology was escalating its demand for sexual satisfaction and when he talks about the initial days of marriage, the main thing he can remember is how his virility finally received some relief. He's just honest enough to admit it. Although the drum of his sexual drive was beating louder by the year, it did not incapacitate him from looking for a treasured and beloved marital companion that he longed to love, protect and serve. And he selflessly and doggedly offered all of those things, in my opinion, to a heroic level.

I'm a layperson who's ministry is to abused spouses and unhappy marriages. I've seen quite a bit of bad, worse and ugly behaviors in marriages. Nothing in Emosoundlogic's posts are telling me he is a high risk to be an abuser or has tendencies that would make him a bad husband. If that were the case I wouldn't have spent my time helping him.

A lot of what he wrote sounds like my husband, who has been the best husband I never dared to dream of having.
 
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Emosoundlogic

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Still not an excuse. If your fellow man decided to worship evil and their reasoning is, "Well, following God isn't easy like it used to be." would you then decide to worship evil too?

You are a Christian. God calls you to be in the world but not of the world. Time to start getting serious about what side you choose to be on and act like it.

I didn't say it was an excuse, anymore than it is every time you sin, it's a rationalization, like everything in life. I'm not saying it's okay, anymore than it's okay every time I say a white lie, or I curse at the person who cut me off etc.

I don't think your actions have anything to do with your salvation, and I don't think we live in the dark ages, even Africa knows about Jesus. The choices have already been made imo. Even the remote villagers in the rain forest have heard of Jesus. Technology has made it to where the world is VERY small now.
 
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Emosoundlogic

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"I was sexualised at an early age".
"I was given unrestricted internet access".
"My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage."
"Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex."

"you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one"

I'm actually not surprised at all. Given what you've said I'd be even more surprised if you found a spiritual woman to even put up with you. I had to keep reminding myself you were referring to a lady and not a McDonalds Happy Meal with Large Fries.

Wow.

If I was a woman I'd run a mile from you.

Whatever happened to you keeping your thoughts and penis under control and staying single for Christ UNTIL and IF he brings a godly woman to you...not so you can get your rocks off but so that you can be one in Christ?

Perhaps Christ's will is for you to be single?

At first reading I have to say you present a picture to me that you see a woman as a banging shop that will help you feel less frustrated.....

You start your post with excuses for why you think the way you do.
Then you express frustration with the amount of TIME to get "a woman".
Then you express more frustration about the time it takes said woman to have sex.

LADIES PLEASE RUN A MILE!!!!!


And there's our daily dose of judgement. Thank you sir, I needed to hear I was repulsive. ;)
 
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Endeavourer

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One more question for you, for your profile...

What types of things would you do on longer dates? Assuming you will spend approx 15 - 20 hours per weeks together on dates, what are the types of things you like to do?

Also, I didn't see your answer about if you could have the flexibility in that I mentioned in posts 149 and 150.
 
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Emosoundlogic

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One more question for you, for your profile...

What types of things would you do on longer dates? Assuming you will spend approx 15 - 20 hours per weeks together on dates, what are the types of things you like to do?

Also, I didn't see your answer about if you could have the flexibility in that I mentioned in posts 149 and 150.


Uh, well it would completely depend on the season and I guess her interests... If she's an active person, I assume she's going to want to go hiking, go biking, or go to the gym together, we could go do like kayaking, or swimming, anything active.

If it's colder, we're going to have to look in doors for activities, maybe indoor rock climbing or yoga, or she might try bo jangles.

Throw in some board games, or card games. Movies, tv shows. Cook together. I mean, there's a lot of things we could do, would depend on her interests.

Yeah, I've come to realize that I'm going to have to accept people have very different views from my own, and I'll just have to tolerate it, and not be combative. I can think she's crazy or completely wrong, but if that's what she wants to believe, more power to her. I'm certainly not going to find someone who agrees with everything I think.
 
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derpytia

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I didn't say it was an excuse, anymore than it is every time you sin, it's a rationalization, like everything in life. I'm not saying it's okay, anymore than it's okay every time I say a white lie, or I curse at the person who cut me off etc.

I don't think your actions have anything to do with your salvation, and I don't think we live in the dark ages, even Africa knows about Jesus. The choices have already been made imo. Even the remote villagers in the rain forest have heard of Jesus. Technology has made it to where the world is VERY small now.

And now you're shifting the attention away from your OP and yourself. Why is that?

Your actions are representative of your heart state. You should always strive to be more like Christ. That's the goal for all of us.

My final two cents: Stop making excuses for yourself and start doing your utmost to become the kind of man that women want to pursue an actual relationship with. Look for a marriage partner with the intent of building and maintaining a rock solid, romantic, and compassionate partnership. Not with the intent to have someone you can have sex with without sinning. Then, I think you'll find that dating a woman for a long period of time before deciding to marry is not so much a source of frustration for you that you think it is now.
 
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Emosoundlogic

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And now you're shifting the attention away from your OP and yourself. Why is that?

Your actions are representative of your heart state. You should always strive to be more like Christ. That's the goal for all of us.

My final two cents: Stop making excuses for yourself and start doing your utmost to become the kind of man that women want to pursue an actual relationship with. Look for a marriage partner with the intent of building and maintaining a rock solid, romantic, and compassionate partnership. Not with the intent to have someone you can have sex with without sinning. Then, I think you'll find that dating a woman for a long period of time before deciding to marry is not so much a source of frustration for you that you think it is now.

You told me I didn't have an excuse and I should just get over it and act like a real Christian, and I told you that was the entire reason we needed Jesus was because we couldn't, and never will. I think you need to read John 8.

Anyways, yeah, I've been trying to do that for the last 3 years, it's not working. Women are not even remotely interested in me. It's funny because they'll never actually give me a chance, aside from like 2 of them.

They say they want a man who is a christian, who has his life together, who has his own interests, who is in shape... I meet all that criteria.

All anyone here has said is you need to control yourself, which again is just legalism, we're not under the law anymore, and my good intentions tell you where my heart is.

Aside from that, they tell me my interests are lame, and that I need to change my personality and basically everything about myself, or accept that God made me to be single and to have a high sex drive that I should just suffer with.

I haven't shifted away from anything, you did, and my original post still stands, the church does very little to set healthy expectations and provide a vessel for uniting christian women and men so that we don't have to try and luck into meeting one at the grocery store.
 
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Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!
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Jun 18, 2014
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Maryland - just north of D.C.
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I asked my wife to marry me about a week before our first date. We were married within the year.
Impressive. You beat me. I proposed in the first couple of minutes on our first date. We were wed 7 months later and celebrated anniversary 41 last fall.
 
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