Dating and Sex

Emosoundlogic said:

. I've been told by women who have dated me that I'm not attractive, so I don't need the false confidence boost, I do appreciate you trying to make me feel better, but honestly, I was born this way, and the physical features I have that are not really appealing are either damage from my childhood or just genetics, so I'm not ashamed of either.

Click to expand...

I wasn't being false. Perhaps you weren't their type, but you are someone's type. If something caused me to reconsider a first date with you it would not be your picture. Is it possible something else in your profile is the deterrent?

You've shared a lot with us already, so why not paste the words of your profile page here? Let us offer suggestions.

Emosoundlogic said:

Lol, yeah, well good luck with that. I battled inappropriate content for 20 years and the only reason I think I managed to beat it was because I had a VERY specific type of interest, it wasn't the novelity of it that got me going, so I actually just got bored of it after a while, plus once you've had the real thing it becomes way better anyway.

Click to expand...

I know you were just using a figure of speech, but luck really has nothing to do with it. I promise that a life of singleness does not make a life of sin an inevitability.

Emosoundlogic said:

I am sure there's someone out there who could put up with me, but yeah it's going to be super rare, hopefully she's out there somewhere, but I've practically given up. In 5 years I'm averaging like 2 dates a year, maybe, and that's if I try HARD, now I'm not even trying and I doubt I'll get a date this entire year, so far nothing. I don't even want to date anymore honestly, it's too much work.

I gotta match with them, which is rare, then I gotta get them to actually respond, even more rare, then I gotta go out and meet them for a drink, and go through the same ol tired song and dance, what do you do, do you have an siblings, where did you grow up etc etc etc... Only to get no response to my follow up text about having a active date like a hike or something.

I've literally joined match making groups, I've done speed dating, I've done every app, every site... Like, it's obvious, the majority of women find me repulsive physically. Always have. There's a couple blind ones out there, but they're rare.

Click to expand...

Totally get the fatigue over the whole process. It does take a lot of time and effort to build a relationship with someone, and it gets discouraging after awhile if it's not working out. There's nothing wrong with taking a break from it either until you feel up to it again.

Based on your photos, I highly highly doubt that a lot of women would agree with you regarding your physical appearance. You may not be attractive to everyone, but who is? For you, the make-or-break is going to be the experience that any woman has with you. Does she feel valued or like a means to an end? Do you have good conversation together? Do you have fun together?

Some of this is mindset too. If you go into a first date looking for a wife or a sexual partner, it's going to be a struggle. But if you go into it just looking to figure out if she is someone that you enjoy being around and spending time with, and nothing more, it is going to take a lot of the pressure off. Dating is really putting one foot in front of the other. First you have to figure out if you even enjoy her company. Once you have figured out that you do, then you can start to determine whether or not you are compatible in other ways.

RDKirk said:

There is still in the Philippines a somewhat different--old school--concept that marriage is not intended to be some magical, constantly giddy lifelong whirlwind of happiness, but a partnership agreement between a man and a woman to work through life watching each other's back and helping to carry each other's load.

Click to expand...

Just as a note regarding Philippine women...

Regarding Philippine women... Culturally (in general), the expectation for a Philippine woman to marry a foreigner, is not only to find a good man, but a wealthy enough man who lives in a country with more opportunities so that the man (future husband) can also provide support for her family and relatives who are usually poor, and help bring them to the husband's country. Culturally, Philippine women consider this to be a fair exchange - a good woman to marry for help with her family line. A man who can accept this is more likely to find a suitable, reliable and high quality woman to marry from the Philippines.

Emosoundlogic said:

So, the bible is pretty clear when it comes to pre-marital sex. It's a sin. Why, that can be debated, but that's not something I want to do. I personally don't have an issue with the idea of abstinence until marriage, there's a pretty good amount of non-biblical proof to support it anyway.

My issue is simple... I think the western, modern church, has failed singles.

Paul makes it quite clear that it is better to marry than to burn with desire. However, in that day, a man such as myself, could literally buy a wife. I make very good money.

My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage.

I am 33 years old. I had it rough getting started, let's just say I was sexualized at a very young age without even knowing what it was, and then given unrestricted internet access that you can imagine created problems for me.

I've been a Christian since I was like 5, and I've wrestled with this issue since I was like 16. Not trying to dig up years and years of therapy, but I'm not a typical guy, I have a lot of damage in this area.

Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex.

I personally don't think that's how it was meant to be, and I think we unduly suffer because of it. I think the church has abandoned us in this area.

Click to expand...

I agree tHe church doesn't address these issues. I personally don't believe in dating for long, have actually prayed to God that I get married to a man within 3 months of meeting. In the meantime, am serving Him and not all over the place with men. I get your frustration (it happens esp when one has been waiting for long) and pray you find someone who desires the same.
Shalom

Emosoundlogic said:

Lol, I've used a LOT of things in my profile. I even wrote one with my therapist at one point, who was an over weight woman btw, she somehow wasn't offended by my bias.

Basically, you only get like 300 characters, so I boil it down like this.

6'2'' 235
No-Kids
Never Married
Christian

Fitness is a passion of mine, after losing 200 lbs and figuring out what my body was capable of, I've been addicted ever since! I am mostly active in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and weight lifting, but I'm down for a hike or yoga or whatever!

I'm a Process Manager by day, I manage 10 teams and it's a great joy to me knowing I get to help coach and mentor people every day in a way that makes their jobs easier and their overall lives better.

Interests also include Video Gaming, Psychology / Mythology / Theology, and Documentaries(Reality TV) / Harry Potter.

Click to expand...

I would find this profile to be intimidating for an average woman. First, an "activity addict" will trim quite a few women off because they don't want to be activity widows. Brazilian jo-jangles is something 99.999% of women don't do and don't want to do.... so they just see another activity they won't be included in.

Second, the reference to managing 10 teams comes across as arrogant; I'd focus on the helping/feely of coaching and mentoring people rather than being so literal here.

Finally, the video gaming would scare me off. Most women aren't into it and assume it ranking first in line means you are a man-boy still playing video games in your spare time.

Get your $$$ back from your therapist - this profile is a deterrent and is why you aren't getting hits. There's not much for a woman to grab onto here that sounds attractive. It sounds more directed to advertising for a guy.

I would not recognize the genuine and transparent Emosoundlogic I met today on Christian Forums with this profile.

Emosoundlogic said:

I think you need to do some research on personality disorders. You don't just "change your personality"... Psychologist have spent 100's of years trying to figure out how the mind works and have pretty much gotten it down to 5 traits. Ones that are MARGINALLY adjustable. Someone who scored 4th percentile in politeness, me, meaning 96% of people are more polite than I am, is not going to become average no matter how hard I work at it, I can MAYBE get to 20% if I really really work at it, and have spent a lot of time doing so in therapy.

Not to mention I scored 30th in empathy, so while I care about people, I care less than the average person by almost half. I'm 90% percentile in neuroticism which basically means I'm an anxious depressed mess most of the time, and I simply cope with medication and physical fitness, my new drug to replace alcohol and binge eating.

I'm not desirable to most women, those traits are damning.

Click to expand...

You don't change your personality, you expand it. You do this by doing behaviors on the other end of the personality distribution. If you score low in agreeableness, try doing something nice for someone even if you don't want to do it. If you score low in politeness try saying thank you and being courteous once in a while. The mean stays the same but you increase the standard deviation so you are a bigger bag of tricks so to speak and can adapt to more situations than the current limitations your personality allows.

Emosoundlogic said:

Yeah, I personally don't want to be married, I don't think it's a good idea... I think I'm 100% guaranteed to end up resenting anyone I married, just as I do my family in ways. I'll fulfill my obligations, but that's just because I'm highly conscientious and maintain traditions and it's the "right" thing to do.

I dunno about the middle of all that, but okay.

I've made plenty of effort for women, they've made 0 effort for me. Hard to find the motivation at this point honestly. Besides, we're talking about diminishing returns, I'm not going to become a "good" guy all the sudden. I can definitely control my behaviors, but I can't control my feelings and personality. She can say something totally stupid and I can ignore it, but that doesn't mean I stop thinking it's stupid, ya know?

Click to expand...

Of course, women are people and they will have thoughts in their heads that may not jive with the thoughts that are in your head. Part of the way you'll have to learn to deal with this 'difference' will be to reflect upon your own limitations in knowledge. Since you deem yourself to be logical, and you may very well be highly so--IDK--you'll have to learn to not assume that everyone else will need to agree with you in all cases. You'll need to learn to discern between those instances of disagreement that amount to simple differences which don't amount to much versus those instances that may have some actual life or death value to them.

For instance, recently my wife somehow divulged to me that she thought (and had always thought) that the moon 'glowed,' that it somehow absorbed the sun's rays and radiated out the energy at night, much in the way that phosphorescent vampire teeth do. I had to role my eyes; so did my son. Then, I had to convince her that---no---the light we see from the moon is not its own, but that it comes from the sun and 'bounces' off the lunar surface. Eventually, she came around to understand my point of view, and I rolled my eyes again---and I did all of this without argument or pressuring her or implying that she's somehow stupid [...which she couldn't be anyway because, surprisingly, she got A's in college Calculus and Physics [yet somehow thought the moon glowed] Anyway, whatever! ].

The point is, the above is not and should not be a sticking point or a deal-breaker, and it shouldn't be even if she would have gotten perturbed that I attempted to correct her. On the other hand, if she had been doing something really odd like holding an electric cord while standing in bad tub water....I might get drastically upset and tell her a thing or two if she then tried to defend the action and tell me "it's ok, it's nothing to worry about."

So, in your case, I'm guessing you mean by putting up with a woman "saying something stupid" such as when a women says something somewhat demeaning to you? Is this what you have in mind? Ironically, when you get married, you'll probably still have to put up with some of this and with the hen pecking that is surely going to come about when you buy the wrong brand of 'such-and-such' or you forget to make that dinner reservation for your anniversary. Yes, there's still some 'stuff' you'll have to learn to put up with and just allow to roll off your score-card, or else you'll have a short lived marriage, like most people do these days. Word to the wise!

Emosoundlogic said:

Yeah, they're massively taking out of context that scripture... A husband is the owner of his wife's body, but she's the owner of his... The authority cancels each other out, the subjugation is to God only...

You also get a very jaded view of marriage, MOST men are not abusive, unless you are a feminist, then of course everything a man does IS abusive, because men are bad, mmkayyy.. Now, I get it, you're not one of those and I'm not attacking you.

My point is, I as a man, don't want a woman I can control... I don't want a woman I can tell to shut up and get in the kitchen... I cook my own meals, I do my own weekly meal prep, I look after my own health, and my own mental health... I'm educated, I work hard and have ambition...

What do I want from a wife? I want someone when I come home at night, and she does to, cause I'm assuming she's going to want to work, or not, I don't care either way, but at the end of the day for both of us, we can sit down together and share something. Either a TV series, or a video game (my preference), and have conversation that extends beyond the superficial high level.

I want to talk about the president, I want to talk about God, I want to talk about History, I want to talk about Fitness, Gaming, Technology... If she's passionate about basket weaving, let's talk about that! I honestly don't really care, I just want her to be present and be warm to me.

I'm not demanding a sex slave either... Once a week, twice preferably, and hell I'm good. If she doesn't want kids, perfectly fine with me, if she does, also fine with me. I see pro's and con's to both sides. But, I need to be touched, I need to be hugged, I need to be held, I need to know when I'm struggling that someone is going to hold my hand.

My only "authoritarian" request is that she be reasonably available sexually, mentally, and that she maintains a healthy body, as much as I also do for her. If that makes me an abusive husband, then yeah, I'm screwed, according to feminists it does.

Click to expand...

Sounds good to me. You should be able to find a spouse soon. Hang in there

Emosoundlogic said:

I want someone when I come home at night, and she does to, cause I'm assuming she's going to want to work, or not, I don't care either way, but at the end of the day for both of us, we can sit down together and share something. .... and have conversation that extends beyond the superficial high level.

Click to expand...

Emosoundlogic said:

I wouldn't want to leave her like that. I've seen my grandmother alone for the last 10 years and it's been so hard on her.

Click to expand...

Emosoundlogic said:

with my adorable cat Beast, I've sacrificed a lot to take care of my brother and his wife financially, and I visit my parents every weekend. I call my parents almost daily and they couldn't be more proud of me,

Click to expand...

Emosoundlogic said:

Again, I personally would spend most of my Saturday and Sunday with a woman

Click to expand...

Emosoundlogic said:

I am an absolute beast, I'll be the first one in line of danger no issue there at all, I know how to handle myself and have no problems with that. There's not a lot of "yuck" situations I have to deal with in my current life, aside from some cat accidents, or spiders (which I viciously destroy because I think they're just evil lol), but I'd handle that too...

Click to expand...

Emosoundlogic said:

I moved my entire apartment by myself in the rain, I'm not afraid to do hard work and my moto might as well be perseverance.

Click to expand...

It would be GREAT if this man showed up in your profile!!!!

Your perrrrrfect partner might just be around the very next corner my friend.

God bless you OP.

Emosoundlogic said:

I can get on a dating site, for the 500th time, and be reminded again that I am not attractive physically, that I'm boring and uninteresting, and that woman don't want me...

Click to expand...

I'm glad you posted here today so you could see a different perspective. You are none of these things, but your profile was boring and uninteresting.

Emosoundlogic said:

Yeah, they sent me to a shrink, literally doubled my calories, and then tried to tell me as I gained 30 lbs in 3 months that it was muscle LOL. They were both completely nuts and I stopped seeing them when I started to realize I threw away 3 months of hard dieting, and had to lose it again.

Since then, I've built 40 lbs of muscle, found out I had extremely low testosterone and got on hormone therapy which helped greatly. Now that I workout a lot, eat healthy, and maintain good blood work levels / hormone levels, I have maintained around 235-240 for 6 months, and prior to that I maintain 250 for 2 years.

Click to expand...

The thing is most “shrinks” don’t know how to help with eating disorders, body dysmorphia, or exercise addiction. It is a very specific subsection of treatment and recovery... And a nutritionist can spot it, but it isn’t something in their stable that they can treat. The solution isn’t merely doubling calories, it’s treating the underlying mindset that leads to the disordered behavior. I know people who need support for it in our area actually need to get referred to the hospital for their intervention programs because the care is so radically specialized.

I would strongly, strongly encourage you to seek out a specialist to help you here. I think a lot of the things that you have flagged as personal a deficiency or a church failing or women are actually tied back to the body dysmorphia and an eating disorder. When we are more accepting of self, we find it easier to be more accepting of others. Opening up to external support will definitely have a huge and positive impact on opening up to others in a relationship.

I actually don't really care to argue diet with you, but body builders have known how to regulate weight since the 20's, and we didn't start having an obesity epidemic until the 80's anyway, mostly because sugar wasn't in everything, and technology was far less developed so people actually exercised daily just doing normal stuff. We can agree to disagree on diet, I'm fine with that, take that as a win if you would like.

Click to expand...

I’m not sure I’d use 20’s body builders as proof we knew about strengthening the body and healthy weight management well before the 90s... The injection of choice back then was steroids, rat urine, and meth. Sure they bulk you up, but not in a way that honors the body.

And it’s not about chalking up “wins,” it’s about having a thought-provoking discussion that helps you with the things you wrote you were struggling with.

Emosoundlogic said:

I would care for her out of obligation, I'd try to make her life as comfortable as possible, probably dedicate a youtube to her or something, find a way to engage her, as sick as it sounds, that would be somewhat of a project for me that I'd enjoy.

But, if she was completely unable to fulfill my physical needs and assuming she knew that, we'd have to figure out a way for us to get around that. I would be in true agony if she still required me to be "faithful" to her physically. Assuming of course she was still mostly functional... If she was straight vegetable, like, pull the plug let her go man.

I mean, it'd have to be a really awkward scenario... like, she'd have to be unable to feel for it to really ruin it for me... 99% of my pleasure when it comes to physical is hers. If she gets where she wants to go, I feel like a bad ass, like a true man, I don't really care much about my side, that's easy lol.

I mean, I think a better "doom" scenario is she develops a thyroid issue which makes her gain weight incredibly easily, and she just can't really avoid being over weight. In that case, yeah, I love her out of obligation, but I'd definitely hate it, I'd consider that side of my life over, probably try to chemically castrate myself or something. What's the point of having a sexual desire with no way to fulfill it but hurt someone you care about?

Click to expand...

Thank you for your honest responses. I can see why you have a dislike for fatness in that, you had to deal with that on a personal level for a long time, and now you have yourself under control and have improved yourself. So, to see your wife lose control of herself and eat herself fat would be heartbreaking for you as it brings back memories when you were fat.

I, personally, have zero physical attraction to any women who is fat, but that does not me I do not respect and love a person because they are fat.

I cannot help the fact that certain physical traits about a person are attractive to me or not attractive, and if people are honest with themselves, this is true for them as well.

And I will say that, in all honesty, attractiveness of a person to me is part of the total equation of any potential choice for a marriage partner, even though my desire is never to marry. And I think any potential partner would like to know that I am also physically attracted to them.

Some people are fat because of a true rare genetic disease that actually prevents them from losing it. In most cases though, controlling one's weight is possible, but many people appear to be enslaved to a vice of gluttony, even though they know their health is suffering, and they are doing a dis-service to their spouse, and to their relationship with God. . . .

So for me to see someone who is grossly overweight - which is visible to everyone - yet they continue to abuse themselves with eating just for pleasure, I think of such persons a sick and in need of help. Therefore, their overweightness is unattractive to me.

Emosoundlogic said:

Lol, I've used a LOT of things in my profile. I even wrote one with my therapist at one point, who was an over weight woman btw, she somehow wasn't offended by my bias.

Basically, you only get like 300 characters, so I boil it down like this.

6'2'' 235
No-Kids
Never Married
Christian

Fitness is a passion of mine, after losing 200 lbs and figuring out what my body was capable of, I've been addicted ever since! I am mostly active in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and weight lifting, but I'm down for a hike or yoga or whatever!

I'm a Process Manager by day, I manage 10 teams and it's a great joy to me knowing I get to help coach and mentor people every day in a way that makes their jobs easier and their overall lives better.

Interests also include Video Gaming, Psychology / Mythology / Theology, and Documentaries(Reality TV) / Harry Potter.

Click to expand...

The key to a good profile is creating a congruent image that at least makes sense. Your interests in fitness/video games may be real but they contradict themselves and you need to figure out what image you are going for. If you want to be the tough guy who's flexing in every picture then create a profile that is congruent with that. Otherwise you seem unauthentic and generally will be passed over. It's the same reason why you need a persona in public, because the real you is way too complicated for strangers to understand. Simplify your profile and keep it congruent to the image you are trying to convey. Are you fun and adventurous? Then create a profile with a bio and pictures that reflect this, if you are into fitness then create a profile with pictures of you at the gym etc. This current profile just has too many different "types" at once. You have the fitness junkie, the workaholic, and the nerd all in one. You need to pick one otherwise people just will pass you over due to uncertainty.

Also, mention your ideal date that a typical woman would also love to do; nothing intimidating like participating in a ju-jangles tournament:

... perhaps coffee at the beach at sunrise or a wandering walk in Paris.... offer her a glimpse/vision of wonderful things you would like to experience together (that you would actually like to do too).

You want to sell her on what you are offering her.

You have an engineering mind, but you need to jump into a marketing box here for a moment and write your profile from the perspective of what about you would be relevant to her.

Endeavourer said:

Brazilian jo-jangles is something 99.999% of women don't do and don't want to do.... so they just see another activity they won't be included in.

Click to expand...

I kind of want to know what Brazilian jo-jangles is...

Finally, the video gaming would scare me off. Most women aren't into it and assume it ranking first in line means you are a man-boy still playing video games in your spare time.

Click to expand...

There was a time when this was true, but not so much now. Every woman I know plays video games and takes it as a point of pride that it’s something they can do with a guy. I’d maybe not say “video gaming,” I’d pick maybe a game or two that’s a real passion and say that (unless it’s Call of Duty).

I will agree though, that profile is a bust.

Endeavourer said:

I would find this profile to be intimidating for an average woman. First, an "activity addict" will trim quite a few women off because they don't want to be activity widows. Brazilian jo-jangles is something 99.999% of women don't do and don't want to do.... so they just see another activity they won't be included in.

Second, the reference to managing 10 teams comes across as arrogant; I'd focus on the helping/feely of coaching and mentoring people rather than being so literal here.

Finally, the video gaming would scare me off. Most women aren't into it and assume it ranking first in line means you are a man-boy still playing video games in your spare time.

Click to expand...

And what pray-tell is wrong with a "man-boy," ay?