- Oct 24, 2017
- 40
- 103
- 38
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Messianic
- Marital Status
- Celibate
Thank you everyone who already prayed in response to the other thread I created before I was sure that my cousin, Christian, is dead (he shot himself in the head this morning), and I realized after a kind message from another CF member that I need to request 2 different kinds of prayer, now.
1) The family and others who loved Christian really need prayers for Viewing and funeral preparations, the grieving process, and learning to live our lives without him, now.
2) My own Day 1 ‘Denial’. All day long I have been taking care of other people and going around asking for prayers and thanking people for them and it just sank in... the reason I can’t stop compulsively doing this is because in my heart I cannot accept that he is really gone, never coming back. I don’t want to be alone but I live far enough away from my family (my car is currently having some problems) that I think my mom is only going to be able to come pick me up when it’s time to get ready for the Viewing.
Christian was only about 20 years old. His mother had him very young so I can remember being a little girl and holding him in my arms and thinking that I didn’t want to give him back. I didn’t even know how much I loved him because we had just grown apart over time, but this is hitting me badly. I spent all day working hard to avoid facing that he is not waking up. His body is probably being stored somewhere and he’s not in it.
I didn’t want to bother the one friend who probably could have paid me a visit but he’s also poorly equipped to deal with this. My reliable friends are either truly too busy or for whatever reason I just can’t make myself go down the hall to talk (2 of them are neighbors). The friend I thought might actually be able to give me some support in this ignored me all day because he didn’t want to deal with either the immensity of the situation or the fact that I bring God into it—he literally just now got back to me but there is no real answer to handling grief, I’m finding.
God is listening. I just had people get back with me while I was typing this. Thank you all for praying. It helps to not be alone with it, and I know my whole family is feeling the same way.
-Sarah
1) The family and others who loved Christian really need prayers for Viewing and funeral preparations, the grieving process, and learning to live our lives without him, now.
2) My own Day 1 ‘Denial’. All day long I have been taking care of other people and going around asking for prayers and thanking people for them and it just sank in... the reason I can’t stop compulsively doing this is because in my heart I cannot accept that he is really gone, never coming back. I don’t want to be alone but I live far enough away from my family (my car is currently having some problems) that I think my mom is only going to be able to come pick me up when it’s time to get ready for the Viewing.
Christian was only about 20 years old. His mother had him very young so I can remember being a little girl and holding him in my arms and thinking that I didn’t want to give him back. I didn’t even know how much I loved him because we had just grown apart over time, but this is hitting me badly. I spent all day working hard to avoid facing that he is not waking up. His body is probably being stored somewhere and he’s not in it.
I didn’t want to bother the one friend who probably could have paid me a visit but he’s also poorly equipped to deal with this. My reliable friends are either truly too busy or for whatever reason I just can’t make myself go down the hall to talk (2 of them are neighbors). The friend I thought might actually be able to give me some support in this ignored me all day because he didn’t want to deal with either the immensity of the situation or the fact that I bring God into it—he literally just now got back to me but there is no real answer to handling grief, I’m finding.
God is listening. I just had people get back with me while I was typing this. Thank you all for praying. It helps to not be alone with it, and I know my whole family is feeling the same way.
-Sarah