- Feb 24, 2018
- 100
- 92
- 29
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Non-Denom
- Marital Status
- Private
Hi everyone. I'm sorry to be making yet another negative post on here. I finally feel like I'm able to open up about this to people and not be afraid of being judged or talked down to. It's also the first time I've felt like I've understood the cause of at least some of my anger toward God.
I've shared my story a number of times on here, so a few who will read this will recognize it. I became a Christian in 2015 when I got baptized at the church I go to now, but before I started going there, I was in a church that really did a number on me. They told me God was a monster and that He hated me and that all of the problems in my life were because He was punishing me for my sins for not being good enough. It was two years of spiritual and emotional abuse that almost caused me to take my own life. Before I even ended up there or even thought about having a life with God, I grew up in a dysfunctional home where there was domestic violence and child abuse perpetrated on me at the hands of my angry, narcissistic father, which I now see lead me to stay in that horrible church for as long as I did.
God called me into what He wanted me to do and to this day, I can't deny that it was Him who called and confirmed it. I accepted the call and while I was still in that church, He was working to make things ready for me to step into it, like when God was leading Israel through the desert toward Canaan. Finally, the day came when it was time and getting baptized was a part of that because two things happened....I saw God for who He really was and that He loved me and had an amazing plan for me...He put everything into place so perfectly that it was like living in Eden....but despite all of this, I was still afraid and still doubted after what I'd been through in my life leading up to all of that and there were still a lot of things that I hadn't learned yet...
I made a choice to do something that I was desperate not to do, but forced myself to do because I thought it was scriptural and what God wanted me to do...one of the things that God made possible when He confirmed and was preparing me to step into what He wanted for me was making a way for me to go back to college...the church I had been in taught me that student loans were sinful and that if I sinned and took them out, God would punish me and for whatever reason, I believed it. I made the decision to stay working at a job that paid really well, but wasn't compatible at all with my school schedule because I thought God was telling me that if I wanted to be righteous and walk worthy and get to keep all that He put in front of me, doing this was what I had to do. So many other Christians, even in my new church, were pleased with me for doing what I did...but inside, there was this burning desire on my heart to leave. I tried to ignore it because I thought it was temptation and if I gave into it, then I would be sinning and failing to practice self-denial the way God commanded me to and if I sinned, I'd face His anger and discipline. I had an image in my head of God's discipline being that He would take everything away from me and make my life 10x as bad as it had been when I was in my old church, and out of fear of ending up back there again, I ignored the desire on my heart to leave that job so I could focus on school. Keep in mind, I DID NOT want to do this and the only reason I forced myself to do it was because I thought it would please God....and I thought that way because I had never been shown grace or mercy or unconditional love from ANYONE before in my life and didn't understand what it was...
I finally did realize that the desire to quit my job was coming from God and did, but it was too late and I know that I missed the door that He opened for me. He slammed it shut and took EVERYTHING away from me....we were once so close that all I had to do was GLANCE at a scripture and I understood it's meaning. He spoke to me ALL the time. I was happy, I had His joy and knew that He loved me...not to mention all of the physical and spiritual blessings....all of it is gone now because He took it away from me...
He knew that I only did what I did because I wanted to make sure that I was doing what was right and was walking as close to biblical perfection as I could get, because I know that was what He wants from us. I wanted to be the best Christian I could and go above and beyond for Him and at the same time, there was still a lot that needed to be worked out of me and lies that needed to be undone and thought that if I did things that He didn't ask me to do, He would be pleased...in essence, at the time I was still in the mentality of works and trying to earn brownie points with God, but I didn't realize I was even doing it. I loved God and wanted to obey Him and please Him...and I feel betrayed by God because despite knowing that these were my motives for doing what I did, He still did exactly what I was afraid He would do if I made a wrong move and took all of that for myself and not only did He take everything away from me, but He has made my life 10x as bad as it was when I was in my old church. Everything that I did, I did because I was trying to avoid having this happen to me and walk in righteousness, but God still made sure that it happened to me anyway and He is still disciplining/punishing me for what I did all that time ago...I'm angry and hurt and don't feel like I could ever "forgive" Him for doing what He did and I also don't understand how what I did was so bad that God decided that this was the best outcome to deal with it, and I don't think it was...I meant no evil...I just wanted to make sure that I was being as obedient to scripture as possible, as pleasing to Him as possible and that I wasn't going to end up being deceived again the way I was in my old church.
God showed me a little over a year ago that I did it because I didn't believe I was good enough to have what He wanted for me without doing something to earn it through suffering and that everything He gave me was something I'd earned through suffering all that I'd been through in my life...and I don't understand how God could do this to me knowing my history and why I did it...I don't understand why that was bad in God's eyes that He had to do this....I believe that God was wrong in doing what He did to me, that it was unjust and, ashamedly, that He owes it to me to make up for how badly He has hurt me by giving me back what got taken away and giving me another chance at it...
Guys, I only ask that in reading this, no one would judge me or slam me with rude remarks the way a lot of other Christians that I've talked about this with have. I don't need condesencion, I don't need to be ripped apart and I don't need to be talked down to and "told off" or told to "get over it" right now...please, I've had enough of that. God gave me the best thing to ever happen to me and then yanked it away to punish me for not doing what He wanted and I also hate myself every single day for choosing to do that, because I really didn't want to. I was afraid of what might happen if I didn't and I feel like God just does not accept that from me either...it's like reaching out for help when someone is hurting you and no one wants to listen...I know I made a choice and I know that I did exactly what Israel did in Numbers 14 and rejected God's plan...but I meant no evil in doing that, no unbelief and no sin and only wanted to do what was good, and God doesn't accept my plea even though I tell Him that this is why constantly. I wish more than anything that I hadn't and that God would say, "it's okay, I know you didn't mean to or want to. I don't fault you and I want to give you another shot at having what I wanted to give you. You didn't do anything wrong...".
I've shared my story a number of times on here, so a few who will read this will recognize it. I became a Christian in 2015 when I got baptized at the church I go to now, but before I started going there, I was in a church that really did a number on me. They told me God was a monster and that He hated me and that all of the problems in my life were because He was punishing me for my sins for not being good enough. It was two years of spiritual and emotional abuse that almost caused me to take my own life. Before I even ended up there or even thought about having a life with God, I grew up in a dysfunctional home where there was domestic violence and child abuse perpetrated on me at the hands of my angry, narcissistic father, which I now see lead me to stay in that horrible church for as long as I did.
God called me into what He wanted me to do and to this day, I can't deny that it was Him who called and confirmed it. I accepted the call and while I was still in that church, He was working to make things ready for me to step into it, like when God was leading Israel through the desert toward Canaan. Finally, the day came when it was time and getting baptized was a part of that because two things happened....I saw God for who He really was and that He loved me and had an amazing plan for me...He put everything into place so perfectly that it was like living in Eden....but despite all of this, I was still afraid and still doubted after what I'd been through in my life leading up to all of that and there were still a lot of things that I hadn't learned yet...
I made a choice to do something that I was desperate not to do, but forced myself to do because I thought it was scriptural and what God wanted me to do...one of the things that God made possible when He confirmed and was preparing me to step into what He wanted for me was making a way for me to go back to college...the church I had been in taught me that student loans were sinful and that if I sinned and took them out, God would punish me and for whatever reason, I believed it. I made the decision to stay working at a job that paid really well, but wasn't compatible at all with my school schedule because I thought God was telling me that if I wanted to be righteous and walk worthy and get to keep all that He put in front of me, doing this was what I had to do. So many other Christians, even in my new church, were pleased with me for doing what I did...but inside, there was this burning desire on my heart to leave. I tried to ignore it because I thought it was temptation and if I gave into it, then I would be sinning and failing to practice self-denial the way God commanded me to and if I sinned, I'd face His anger and discipline. I had an image in my head of God's discipline being that He would take everything away from me and make my life 10x as bad as it had been when I was in my old church, and out of fear of ending up back there again, I ignored the desire on my heart to leave that job so I could focus on school. Keep in mind, I DID NOT want to do this and the only reason I forced myself to do it was because I thought it would please God....and I thought that way because I had never been shown grace or mercy or unconditional love from ANYONE before in my life and didn't understand what it was...
I finally did realize that the desire to quit my job was coming from God and did, but it was too late and I know that I missed the door that He opened for me. He slammed it shut and took EVERYTHING away from me....we were once so close that all I had to do was GLANCE at a scripture and I understood it's meaning. He spoke to me ALL the time. I was happy, I had His joy and knew that He loved me...not to mention all of the physical and spiritual blessings....all of it is gone now because He took it away from me...
He knew that I only did what I did because I wanted to make sure that I was doing what was right and was walking as close to biblical perfection as I could get, because I know that was what He wants from us. I wanted to be the best Christian I could and go above and beyond for Him and at the same time, there was still a lot that needed to be worked out of me and lies that needed to be undone and thought that if I did things that He didn't ask me to do, He would be pleased...in essence, at the time I was still in the mentality of works and trying to earn brownie points with God, but I didn't realize I was even doing it. I loved God and wanted to obey Him and please Him...and I feel betrayed by God because despite knowing that these were my motives for doing what I did, He still did exactly what I was afraid He would do if I made a wrong move and took all of that for myself and not only did He take everything away from me, but He has made my life 10x as bad as it was when I was in my old church. Everything that I did, I did because I was trying to avoid having this happen to me and walk in righteousness, but God still made sure that it happened to me anyway and He is still disciplining/punishing me for what I did all that time ago...I'm angry and hurt and don't feel like I could ever "forgive" Him for doing what He did and I also don't understand how what I did was so bad that God decided that this was the best outcome to deal with it, and I don't think it was...I meant no evil...I just wanted to make sure that I was being as obedient to scripture as possible, as pleasing to Him as possible and that I wasn't going to end up being deceived again the way I was in my old church.
God showed me a little over a year ago that I did it because I didn't believe I was good enough to have what He wanted for me without doing something to earn it through suffering and that everything He gave me was something I'd earned through suffering all that I'd been through in my life...and I don't understand how God could do this to me knowing my history and why I did it...I don't understand why that was bad in God's eyes that He had to do this....I believe that God was wrong in doing what He did to me, that it was unjust and, ashamedly, that He owes it to me to make up for how badly He has hurt me by giving me back what got taken away and giving me another chance at it...
Guys, I only ask that in reading this, no one would judge me or slam me with rude remarks the way a lot of other Christians that I've talked about this with have. I don't need condesencion, I don't need to be ripped apart and I don't need to be talked down to and "told off" or told to "get over it" right now...please, I've had enough of that. God gave me the best thing to ever happen to me and then yanked it away to punish me for not doing what He wanted and I also hate myself every single day for choosing to do that, because I really didn't want to. I was afraid of what might happen if I didn't and I feel like God just does not accept that from me either...it's like reaching out for help when someone is hurting you and no one wants to listen...I know I made a choice and I know that I did exactly what Israel did in Numbers 14 and rejected God's plan...but I meant no evil in doing that, no unbelief and no sin and only wanted to do what was good, and God doesn't accept my plea even though I tell Him that this is why constantly. I wish more than anything that I hadn't and that God would say, "it's okay, I know you didn't mean to or want to. I don't fault you and I want to give you another shot at having what I wanted to give you. You didn't do anything wrong...".
