Divorced woman is single and looking but...

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 25, 2019

I met this single Christian woman locally, which is quite rare in my age bracket around here. She's been divorced for 2 years.

She's actively looking for a romantic partners. We had some discussions about the whole "re-marrying" thing and turns out from a church group (Marriage Permanence) she formally attended that she shouldn't re-marry nor get into anything romantic as the reason for the divorce was due in part not by infidelity, but by the fact that 1. She got tired of carrying the weight financially in the relationship. He had illusions of grandeur for becoming an actor and it never happened.

That your first spouse would need to die for you to be able to remarry.

When they first met, they were both in a stable job, but he quit to pursue his dream. He also had a inappropriate content addiction, so there's that.

Anyway, she's been conflicted on whether or not to get romantically involved with someone new. She said she's read that part of the Bible constantly, looking for some finality to it. But hasn't gotten an answer.

I was like "Well, there is a lot of grey areas out there". I mentioned how I had an uncle that was in a considerably in an abusive marriage to a woman for about 2 decades. Our family members were trying to get him to file for divorce, but as a Christian that's "not what Christians do"

But...he finally did cave and found someone new that treats him well, and is very happy.

That said, could God make an exception here? I mean, when you get to the pearly gates will God say, "Well, your first wife did treat you like crap, and this one, you know, does not...so I can rule this one out"?

That's the part that she doesn't get. How can someone treat you like crap, be unsupportive, etc etc, and God not allow you to find someone that's good for you?

Some actually believe this is one of those sins that give you a one-way ticket to hell. No mercy for this type of sin. That there is no reptentense for this one.

Me, as a NEVER married mid-40s guy, I run into a constant slew of divorced women, most of which marriages ended due to reasons NOT because of infidelity, but because of them being abused or had spouses that suffered from substance abuse. Why should it be a sin for me to be involved with them?

Also, she thinks that the one FILING for the divorce and remarrying should be the adulterous one, not her.

timewerx · Apr 25, 2019

ThisIsMe123 said:
That said, could God make an exception here?

It's possible, yes.

Jesus made an example of breaking the Sabbath just to help people who are in great need.

However, there might be an "IF" clause, like if we did our best to try to make the marriage work or if we actually experienced abuse (vs inconvenience, petty nuisances/complaints, irreconcilable differences, etc).

Note the Bible doesn't consider happiness as requirement in a marriage..... The lack of happiness isn't always a result of abuse. And excluding reasons as abuse and bitter poverty, unhappiness is often a result of lack of contentment.

Thus, divorcing for reasons like abuse or infidelity might be forgivable.

But divorcing due to unhappiness (not because of abuse) which is likely to be caused by lack of contentment - this is likely to be wrong.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 25, 2019

She informed me that the group that she's in the ONLY way out, is their former spouses' death.

Miles · Apr 25, 2019

A few thoughts:

The group sounds like a bunch of busybodies. Either that, or she actively wants them to tell her how she should live her life. Others already have their own lives and their own problems to deal with, so they aren't the best resource. Perhaps she is in the wrong, but this isn't their concern. She'll probably get more out of prayer and self-reflection. Especially if she asks for wisdom.

I don't see this as an issue of grey areas so much as whether it's right or wrong for her, given her own unique set of circumstances. Something between her and God. I also suspect that she's (understandably) leaving out personal details that don't need to be shared.

The Pharisees were all about legalism, which involves strict adherence to the letter of the law rather than to the spirit of the law. Legalism also involves exploiting loopholes to get around the same spirit of the law. As much as I'm wary of divorce, and would be cautious about dating somebody who has been divorced, we're talking about somebody's personal life. Somebody who isn't you, me, or the group.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 25, 2019

Miles said:
A few thoughts:

The group sounds like a bunch of busybodies. Either that, or she actively wants them to tell her how she should live her life. Others already have their own lives and their own problems to deal with, so they aren't the best resource. Perhaps she is in the wrong, but this isn't their concern. She'll probably get more out of prayer and self-reflection. Especially if she asks for wisdom.

I don't see this as an issue of grey areas so much as whether it's right or wrong for her, given her own unique set of circumstances. Something between her and God. I also suspect that she's (understandably) leaving out personal details that don't need to be shared.

The Pharisees were all about legalism, which involves strict adherence to the letter of the law rather than to the spirit of the law. Legalism also involves exploiting loopholes to get around the same spirit of the law. As much as I'm wary of divorce, and would be cautious about dating somebody who has been divorced, we're talking about somebody's personal life. Somebody who isn't you, me, or the group.

Yea, I'd be cautious, too. you'd have to hear their situation on a case-by-base basis. If they were the dumpee, then... I can give them some leeway since they were the ones willing to work on the marriage.

Sketcher · Apr 25, 2019

I'd say her church is right. The only exception is if he was committing adultery, as described in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9. And according to those verses, it doesn't matter who files for the resulting adultery from a remarraige to take place.

I do not recommend getting involved with this woman and being on the wrong side of that.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 25, 2019

Sketcher said:
I'd say her church is right. The only exception is if he was committing adultery, as described in Matthew 5:32 and Matthew 19:9. And according to those verses, it doesn't matter who files for the resulting adultery from a remarraige to take place.

I do not recommend getting involved with this woman and being on the wrong side of that.

Interesting. I'm seeing a different belief in this from the previous posters.

Jonathan Mathews · Apr 25, 2019

ThisIsMe123 said:
I met this single Christian woman locally, which is quite rare in my age bracket around here. She's been divorced for 2 years.

She's actively looking for a romantic partners. We had some discussions about the whole "re-marrying" thing and turns out from a church group (Marriage Permanence) she formally attended that she shouldn't re-marry nor get into anything romantic as the reason for the divorce was due in part not by infidelity, but by the fact that 1. She got tired of carrying the weight financially in the relationship. He had illusions of grandeur for becoming an actor and it never happened.

That your first spouse would need to die for you to be able to remarry.

When they first met, they were both in a stable job, but he quit to pursue his dream. He also had a inappropriate content addiction, so there's that.

Anyway, she's been conflicted on whether or not to get romantically involved with someone new. She said she's read that part of the Bible constantly, looking for some finality to it. But hasn't gotten an answer.

I was like "Well, there is a lot of grey areas out there". I mentioned how I had an uncle that was in a considerably in an abusive marriage to a woman for about 2 decades. Our family members were trying to get him to file for divorce, but as a Christian that's "not what Christians do"

But...he finally did cave and found someone new that treats him well, and is very happy.

That said, could God make an exception here? I mean, when you get to the pearly gates will God say, "Well, your first wife did treat you like crap, and this one, you know, does not...so I can rule this one out"?

That's the part that she doesn't get. How can someone treat you like crap, be unsupportive, etc etc, and God not allow you to find someone that's good for you?

Some actually believe this is one of those sins that give you a one-way ticket to hell. No mercy for this type of sin. That there is no reptentense for this one.

Me, as a NEVER married mid-40s guy, I run into a constant slew of divorced women, most of which marriages ended due to reasons NOT because of infidelity, but because of them being abused or had spouses that suffered from substance abuse. Why should it be a sin for me to be involved with them?

Also, she thinks that the one FILING for the divorce and remarrying should be the adulterous one, not her.

My Grandpa was a Christian minister, but he did not serve my Grandmother. He mader her serve him. He was very demanding and always made her cook, clean, and bring him food. I never saw my Grandpa loving my Grandma like Christ loved the Church. He even committed adultery with a Prostitute and had to be put out of Ministry, which meant my Grandmother had to go to work in a button factory. She worked harder than my Grandpa in almost everything. Even after he committed adultery, she forgave him and stayed with him, serving him, and submitting to him in everything. She could not be in ministry in anymore because she was his wife and he was kicked out.

Now my Grandpa has died. My Grandma has suffered her whole life as his wife, but she did so with all kindness and Gentleness. All the kids and grandkids have such a greater respect for my Grandma than we did for my Grandpa. We know that in Heaven, Grandpa will be a ruler over very little, but Grandma will have GREAT Honor. She's getting very old now and losing her memory, but she showed her Godliness and Faith by submitting to a very harsh and even adulterous husband, even though she had no legal or spiritual obligation to do so.

And for that, Christ Jesus will reward her Greatly in the Kingdom of God.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 25, 2019

Jonathan Mathews said:
My Grandpa was a Christian minister, but he did not serve my Grandmother. He mader her serve him. He was very demanding and always made her cook, clean, and bring him food. I never saw my Grandpa loving my Grandma like Christ loved the Church. He even committed adultery with a Prostitute and had to be put out of Ministry, which meant my Grandmother had to go to work in a button factory. She worked harder than my Grandpa in almost everything. Even after he committed adultery, she forgave him and stayed with him, serving him, and submitting to him in everything. She could not be in ministry in anymore because she was his wife and he was kicked out.

Now my Grandpa has died. My Grandma has suffered her whole life as his wife, but she did so with all kindness and Gentleness. All the kids and grandkids have such a greater respect for my Grandma than we did for my Grandpa. We know that in Heaven, Grandpa will be a ruler over very little, but Grandma will have GREAT Honor. She's getting very old now and losing her memory, but she showed her Godliness and Faith by submitting to a very harsh and even adulterous husband, even though she had no legal or spiritual obligation to do so.

And for that, Christ Jesus will reward her Greatly in the Kingdom of God.

Kudos to her for sticking it out. But back in the grandma/grandpa days. I am guessing he probably had a psychological hold on her, too.

She had an out since he was adulterous, not sure why she didn't take advantage of divorcing him, but you see in the old days, that's just something people didn't do...because that's what a "good Christian doesn't do". In most cases, the man is the provider and the woman's only role back then was a domestic engineer. That was their job. Granted she worked in a button factory, but still, back then, women were kind of stuck with the no-account husband. Some women simply had no where to go even if they did want to divorce.

I know adult children that actually spoke negatively of the situation, criticizing one of their parents for not getting the heck out of that abomination they called a marriage. Esp. as kids having to live under the same roof of that dysfunctional mess. That was the motivator for getting them out of the house at a young age They'd bad mouth the no-do-gooder of that ingrate of that father of theirs, citing they had a serious dislike for him, keeping contact to a minimum.

So even their own kids knew better. Also, whose to say if someone DOES divorce, due to infidelity, does that necessarily mean they won't be "rewarded greatly". Of course, I don't think anyone is rewarded, they are just admitted into heaven.

We know that in Heaven, Grandpa will be a ruler over very little

Anyone admitted into heaven rules over something?

... but Grandma will have GREAT Honor.

Your speaking as if there's some kind of reward system or something. So you're saying both will be admitted into heaven, but under different classes of treatment?

High Fidelity · Apr 26, 2019

Tell her to stop concerning herself with the opinions of others.

If dating again would make her happy then do it. You could both die next year. The longer you twiddle your thumbs the less time you're spending pursuing something greater with the time you have left.

morse86 · Apr 26, 2019

Why is she looking for "partners" and not HUSBAND? Are we afraid of the word "HUSBAND" and "WIFE"? What the world is a partner????

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 26, 2019

High Fidelity said:
Tell her to stop concerning herself with the opinions of others.

If dating again would make her happy then do it. You could both die next year. The longer you twiddle your thumbs the less time you're spending pursuing something greater with the time you have left.

Agreed, sitting around trying to figure out whether or not you're breaking the rules is just the definition of insanity. You're just spinning wheels.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 26, 2019

morse86 said:
Why is she looking for "partners" and not HUSBAND? Are we afraid of the word "HUSBAND" and "WIFE"? What the world is a partner????

Um, not sure where you got that impression, that's her intention obviously as a Christian she wants to marry again. In fact, this was what this thread was all about, divorcing and remarrying.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) · Apr 28, 2019

Why would a single man that's never been married be interested in a woman that's been divorced? She can say what she wants but let God be true and every man a liar. The scripture gives clear grounds for someone to divorce and what you mentioned doesn't fit the reasons. Save yourself some time and energy and let this one pass. You're asking for heartache if you keeping pursuing her. That's all I have to say here.

blackribbon · Apr 28, 2019

I don't understand your need to change what women believe .... just accept what they believe as what is, is what she believes. Even if what she believes isn't the truth, you are not likely going to change her mind.

If your purpose is that you want to date her, then you motive is self serving. You can date her, but it she ever gets unhappy in the relationship, she is likely to blame you for making her "sin" and date when she believes she shouldn't. Any bad that happens to her while dating you will likely be seen as God punishing her.

You honestly believe that "not providing financially" is an acceptable reason for a biblical divorce which should free you to find someone else? We live with the consequences of our actions. I personally wouldn't judge her but I don't get your eagerness to change her beliefs just so she will date you.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 28, 2019

Bortsss said:
Why would a single man that's never been married be interested in a woman that's been divorced? She can say what she wants but let God be true and every man a liar. The scripture gives clear grounds for someone to divorce and what you mentioned doesn't fit the reasons. Save yourself some time and energy and let this one pass. You're asking for heartache if you keeping pursuing her. That's all I have to say here.

Um...I'm 47 years old. It would only make sense. And that's all I have to say on that.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 28, 2019

blackribbon said:
If your purpose is that you want to date her, then you motive is self serving. You can date her, but it she ever gets unhappy in the relationship, she is likely to blame you for making her "sin" and date when she believes she shouldn't. Any bad that happens to her while dating you will likely be seen as God punishing her.
.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 29, 2019

blackribbon said:
You can date her, but it she ever gets unhappy in the relationship, she is likely to blame you for making her "sin"

Quite an ignorant statement. There's no way you can know this will happen.

Also, did I not mention her husband had a inappropriate content addiction? Someone said here that's an act of infidelity

blackribbon · Apr 29, 2019

ThisIsMe123 said:
Quite an ignorant statement. There's no way you can know this will happen.

Also, did I not mention her husband had a inappropriate content addiction? Someone said here that's an act of infidelity

I don't know that will happen but it isn't out of the realm of possiblities, if she really believes it.

The inappropriate content addiction was mentioned as an after-thought, not as the primary reason that she divorced him. Many women consider looking at inappropriate content more than once is a inappropriate content addiction. I don't expect you to answer but are you saying that you never look at inappropriate content and can guarantee that you will never look at it again?

Or are you saying he has a diagnosed psychological problem versus her just saying she doesn't like him looking at inappropriate content.

I think you are uncomfortable with a woman simply saying "no thank you" to dating you since this seems to be the primary focus of most your threads.

ThisIsMe123 · Apr 29, 2019

blackribbon said:
I don't know that will happen but it isn't out of the realm of possiblities, if she really believes it.

The inappropriate content addiction was mentioned as an after-thought, not as the primary reason that she divorced him. Many women consider looking at inappropriate content more than once is a inappropriate content addiction. I don't expect you to answer but are you saying that you never look at inappropriate content and can guarantee that you will never look at it again?

Or are you saying he has a diagnosed psychological problem versus her just saying she doesn't like him looking at inappropriate content.

I think you are uncomfortable with a woman simply saying "no thank you" to dating you since this seems to be the primary focus of most your threads.

Not about her not dating me at all. I won't date her because she has too young children. We have become friends though. But, this thread isn't about that though.

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