giving up on church

StillGods

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2017
1,506
2,640
North Island
✟291,058.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
It's so difficult to go to church.
I've changed churches many times over the years.
although I have stayed for a decent amount of time in the last couple.
I left the last one due to not being calvinist and I didn't realize it was calvinist til been there for a while. I was sad to leave that one.
there was a disagreement with a bullying elder and an unhealthy friendship in the one before that which caused me to leave that one. I was there for over 10 years and only one lady and one couple contacted me after I'd left. so I felt like that was a waste of 10 years but i think the unhealthy friendship had a lot to do with that.
I am an older single and not looking for a partner. churches are uncomfortable places anyway as they are set up for married people and families. it is getting more and more difficult to go by myself to try churches.
I wish I had somebody to go to church with. so I dont go, or when I do it takes a great deal of energy and effort to do so.
any advice about it. I get lonely I dont think people understand that.
 

ChicanaRose

Well-Known Member
Mar 26, 2019
1,250
1,331
west coast
✟75,698.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
I am an older single and not looking for a partner. churches are uncomfortable places anyway as they are set up for married people and families. it is getting more and more difficult to go by myself to try churches.
I wish I had somebody to go to church with. so I dont go, or when I do it takes a great deal of energy and effort to do so.
any advice about it. I get lonely I dont think people understand that.

I'm really sorry to hear you are struggling. It sounds like the enemy may has been trying to discourage you from fellowship with other believers. Do you think you can start out by going to a singles group, maybe during the weekday? It may be easier to make friends in a small group. Volunteering is also a great way to get to know other believers better and not feel left out just because you are single.

Keeping praying in faith, and with hope. God has a good plan for you. :deciduous::tomato:
 
Upvote 0

GodsGrace101

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Apr 17, 2018
6,713
2,298
Tuscany
✟231,507.00
Country
Italy
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
It's so difficult to go to church.
I've changed churches many times over the years.
although I have stayed for a decent amount of time in the last couple.
I left the last one due to not being calvinist and I didn't realize it was calvinist til been there for a while. I was sad to leave that one.
there was a disagreement with a bullying elder and an unhealthy friendship in the one before that which caused me to leave that one. I was there for over 10 years and only one lady and one couple contacted me after I'd left. so I felt like that was a waste of 10 years but i think the unhealthy friendship had a lot to do with that.
I am an older single and not looking for a partner. churches are uncomfortable places anyway as they are set up for married people and families. it is getting more and more difficult to go by myself to try churches.
I wish I had somebody to go to church with. so I dont go, or when I do it takes a great deal of energy and effort to do so.
any advice about it. I get lonely I dont think people understand that.
Have you tried the catholic church?
See if you could find one with a good pastor and one that is very active. Go to the bible study...join in on the activities.

A reason I like catholic churches is because they're very liturgically based and when you find a friend there, they usually turn out to be true friends.

They don't talk so much about Mary anymore...but you'll have to figure that out for yourself. There are doctrine I don't agree with, but, as you've found, no church is perfect.

I happen to be a protestant going to a catholic church because I have to.
 
  • Like
Reactions: StillGods
Upvote 0

dzheremi

Coptic Orthodox non-Egyptian
Aug 27, 2014
13,500
13,648
✟426,176.00
Country
United States
Faith
Oriental Orthodox
Marital Status
Private
I'm not only single beyond the time most in my Church are (having converted into it as an adult, with no spouse as I was too busy at the time in graduate school to simultaneously date), I'm also of a different ethnic and linguistic background than the majority, since the Coptic Orthodox Church's traditional/canonical territories are Egypt, Pentapolis/Cyrenaica (Libya), Sudan, and Ethiopia and Eritrea (both of which are now independent/autocephalous). So it's very much a native African church, and I'm very much not that (grandparents from places like Ireland, Mexico, Greenland, etc).

So I can maybe relate, in a certain way. I don't really feel ostracized in church in any way, since people know I have converted some years ago (baptized in 2012), and hence I know the hymns, melodies, and other aspects of the services better than you might imagine from looking at me (sometimes when meeting new people they have asked me which of my parents is Egyptian, because they assume a non-Egyptian wouldn't know the hymns), but there is still obviously a noticeable difference culturally. When this causes me to feel a bit lonely (which does sometimes happen, despite the Egyptians' best efforts to be friendly), I try to remind myself why it is that we gather together in assemblies in the first place: to worship and praise Jesus Christ our Lord, with His good Father, and the Holy Spirit, for He has come and saved us. And so the Egyptians have their own way to do that, and I accepted that way when I accepted baptism because I believe it to represent the authentic tradition passed in that part of the world from St. Mark the Apostle, who knew and lived with Christ. And that's okay, since that just dictates the manner by which the message is passed down, not the content. (In the USA, where I am, the majority of our services are in English in most parishes.) So we all worship the same Christ, and in that we are bonded at a level that is above any of these lesser matters of culture or language difference. So I have been blessed to receive Christ our Lord together with Egyptians, Sudanese, Iraqis, other European-American converts, Hispanic people, etc. And this does help to realize.

Christ is at the center of everything. He is among us in His Church, and so when we are focused on Him, we are united and all things that may divide us melt away. The key, of course, is to carry forth that unity outside of the liturgy, which I will not deny is difficult to do (or can be), but is certainly still possible when we recognize our common faith as the basis of all of our interactions.

We also pray for the preservation of our unity in the liturgy itself, which I'm sure other churches have their own versions of too (most of the historically-attested liturgies have certain commonalities that may be found across different communions), and is a powerful reminder of our unity across all cultures and times. Here is the prayer (called in the liturgical books "The Litany of Peace") as prayed in the Liturgy of St. Cyril in the Coptic Orthodox tradition (prayed in Coptic because I can't find it in English, but I'll provide the English below):


Priest: We ask and entreat Your goodness, O Lover of mankind. Remember, O Lord, the peace of Your one, only, holy, catholic, and apostolic Church. Deacon: Pray for the peace of the one, only, holy, catholic, and apostolic Orthodox Church, for God's salvation among the people, for stability in all places, that He may forgive us our sins.

People: Lord have mercy.

Priest: That which exists from one end of the world to the other. All peoples and all flocks, bless. The heavenly peace, send down into all our hearts. Even the peace of this life, graciously grant to us. The leader (king), the armies, the chiefs, the counselors, the multitudes, our neighbors, our coming in and our going out, adorn them with all peace. O King of peace, grant us Your peace; for You have given us all things. Acquire us to Yourself, O God our Savior, for we know none other but You. Your holy name we utter. May our souls live by Your Holy Spirit. And let not the death of sin have dominion over us, we Your servants, nor over all Your people.

People: Lord have mercy.

+++

Perhaps not all churches have such an emphasis on praying for the whole world like this, but it is a good sentiment, right? It's hard to feel too isolated when your ecclesiological principles require that no one be left out, even if on the ground obviously there is a difference between this person and that person.

Maybe it would be good for you to find a church that emphasizes this sort of thing? I'm not trying to stump for my Church here (since I know we're not the only ones who do this, anyway), but to point out that this approach to Christianity does exist, and is the ancient approach. (Our liturgical anaphoras date back to the fourth century AD.) We are to pray for the entire world and leave no one out.

As to the social aspects, yes...all churches have that. For instance, my old parish, being 100% Egyptian and Sudanese (except for me and the frequent Ethiopian and Jordanian visitors, and the occasional curious Anglican or Lutheran), was very traditional concerning family values. Many would say "Jeremy, we must find you a nice girl in the Church somehow." I consistently told them no thank you, because I knew I'd be moving away at the end of grad school, so I didn't want to establish deep roots there, but they still brought it up whenever they could. It got annoying, yes, but I knew it came from a good place. I eventually told one of them that if they could find a girl who was Orthodox, spoke English fluently (my Arabic is not good enough to establish a relationship with), and could cook Egyptian food (I did develop a taste for it over the four years I was there), then they could give her my phone number. Strangely enough, my phone never rang after that. :D

My prayers are with you in your struggle, my friend. I want to say please do not give up on Church, as Christ has never and will never given up on us, but I don't know what your idea of "going to church" entails beyond what you've revealed in the OP, so I don't want to assume too much. I'd probably quit churches like the ones you've described too, but I do firmly believe that Christ calls us together as an assembled people. This is a major reason why I became Orthodox, instead of being off by myself with my own beliefs. But every individual's path is their own, so I pray that you will walk yours in the light established for us by our Christian forefathers, who no doubt also struggled with these same sorts of problems. (Consider, for instance, how much of the New Testament is St. Paul's epistles to churches in different places essentially telling/reminding them how to behave and how to treat each other!)

And in everything, let us all remember what, or rather Who, is most important:


He is risen. He is not here.


And out of all nations He called unto Him a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, and a justified people.
 
Upvote 0

Mountainmanbob

Goat Whisperer
Supporter
Sep 6, 2016
15,961
10,817
73
92040
✟1,096,353.00
Country
United States
Faith
Calvinist
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Republican
It's so difficult to go to church.
I've changed churches many times over the years.
although I have stayed for a decent amount of time in the last couple.
I left the last one due to not being calvinist and I didn't realize it was calvinist til been there for a while. I was sad to leave that one.
there was a disagreement with a bullying elder and an unhealthy friendship in the one before that which caused me to leave that one. I was there for over 10 years and only one lady and one couple contacted me after I'd left. so I felt like that was a waste of 10 years but i think the unhealthy friendship had a lot to do with that.
I am an older single and not looking for a partner. churches are uncomfortable places anyway as they are set up for married people and families. it is getting more and more difficult to go by myself to try churches.
I wish I had somebody to go to church with. so I dont go, or when I do it takes a great deal of energy and effort to do so.
any advice about it. I get lonely I dont think people understand that.

I remember when I was single and going to church for I understand your feelings.

No church is perfect but, I think it is still best for us to go to church and hear the word preached.
M-Bob
 
  • Like
Reactions: Bramblewild
Upvote 0

JAM2b

Newbie
Sep 20, 2014
1,822
1,913
✟93,117.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Divorced
I am in much the same situation. The church has begun calling people like us "The Dones," because we are done with church. We aren't done with our relationship with God, or with our faith, but just done with church as an institution. There are many reason why.
 
  • Like
Reactions: StillGods
Upvote 0

JAM2b

Newbie
Sep 20, 2014
1,822
1,913
✟93,117.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Divorced
I feel more alone at church, surrounded by other people's families, than I do at home when I am by myself. It seems to emphasize the fact that I am not married, my kids aren't with me, and I don't have my own extended family that I can associate with.
 
  • Like
Reactions: StillGods
Upvote 0

1watchman

Overseer
Supporter
Oct 9, 2010
6,039
1,226
Washington State
✟358,358.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
It's so difficult to go to church.
I've changed churches many times over the years.
although I have stayed for a decent amount of time in the last couple.
I left the last one due to not being calvinist and I didn't realize it was calvinist til been there for a while. I was sad to leave that one.
there was a disagreement with a bullying elder and an unhealthy friendship in the one before that which caused me to leave that one. I was there for over 10 years and only one lady and one couple contacted me after I'd left. so I felt like that was a waste of 10 years but i think the unhealthy friendship had a lot to do with that.
I am an older single and not looking for a partner. churches are uncomfortable places anyway as they are set up for married people and families. it is getting more and more difficult to go by myself to try churches.
I wish I had somebody to go to church with. so I dont go, or when I do it takes a great deal of energy and effort to do so.
any advice about it. I get lonely I dont think people understand that.

I often recommend seekers after God and His pathway to visit the site at Biblecounsel.net to see something of what God intends for His Church and our walk in this world. It emphasizes Bible-only as our only authority for Christianity. One can ask questions there.
 
  • Like
Reactions: StillGods
Upvote 0

ChristianGirl_96

Well-Known Member
Jan 13, 2019
1,092
1,357
28
Epsom
✟131,109.00
Country
United Kingdom
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
In Relationship
What do you want from church? I desired company the most. It was high up on my personal list of priorities when I was searching for a new church close to my apartment. I also wanted to help out with activities. I also wanted to teach children part time as well. Right now since I work as a childcare provider I only go to a service once a week.
Is it possible to see if you can help with events? That way you can get to know more people who also attend church. Look at the website perhaps there will be some information on events there.
 
  • Like
Reactions: StillGods
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

1watchman

Overseer
Supporter
Oct 9, 2010
6,039
1,226
Washington State
✟358,358.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
One can "fit it" if they are thinking of how can I contribute, rather than What will they do for me.
I recommend one seek a Bible-only fellowship to be sure they are following the mind and purposes of God. Religious ideas can often lead one away from the Word of Truth.
 
Upvote 0

StillGods

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2017
1,506
2,640
North Island
✟291,058.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
One can "fit it" if they are thinking of how can I contribute, rather than What will they do for me.
I recommend one seek a Bible-only fellowship to be sure they are following the mind and purposes of God. Religious ideas can often lead one away from the Word of Truth.
are you married?
 
Upvote 0

StillGods

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2017
1,506
2,640
North Island
✟291,058.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
One can "fit it" if they are thinking of how can I contribute, rather than What will they do for me.
I recommend one seek a Bible-only fellowship to be sure they are following the mind and purposes of God. Religious ideas can often lead one away from the Word of Truth.

I see from your profile you are married, so not to be cruel but you already fit into church culture way more simply by being married. Being a single with no kids, even if you are giving, automatically means you are on the outside, no offense but you may not understand that being married. In fact singles are disqualified from many ministries anyway so you dont get to minister because you are not married and dont have kids so you have nothing to offer apparently...so what's the point.
 
Upvote 0

FireDragon76

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Apr 30, 2013
30,475
18,456
Orlando, Florida
✟1,249,456.00
Country
United States
Faith
United Ch. of Christ
Marital Status
Legal Union (Other)
Politics
US-Democrat
I am in much the same situation. The church has begun calling people like us "The Dones," because we are done with church. We aren't done with our relationship with God, or with our faith, but just done with church as an institution. There are many reason why.

I was tempted to be like this one time but I think that's the wrong attitude ultimately. Going to church is not just about what you get out of it personally but how you can serve the body of Christ by being part of a community. There are plenty of churches that absolutely need people there, they are doing good works but they simply need more involvement, and I would encourage people who think they are done with church to think about ways they can serve instead.
 
Upvote 0

StillGods

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2017
1,506
2,640
North Island
✟291,058.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
I was tempted to be like this one time but I think that's the wrong attitude ultimately. Going to church is not just about what you get out of it personally but how you can serve the body of Christ by being part of a community.

are you married? if so church is a different experience than if you're an older single.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

FireDragon76

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Apr 30, 2013
30,475
18,456
Orlando, Florida
✟1,249,456.00
Country
United States
Faith
United Ch. of Christ
Marital Status
Legal Union (Other)
Politics
US-Democrat
are you married? if so church is a different experience than if you're an older single.

I am actually not legally married but I have a domestic partner as we are both disabled.

My church has single people. We love them and it wouldn't be the same without them. We welcome everyone and we do not just focus on people with families, there is no pressure to conform to a certain family type in my denomination.

Perhaps it might be useful for some to step out of comfort zones and go to an entirely different kind of church.
 
Upvote 0

StillGods

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2017
1,506
2,640
North Island
✟291,058.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
I am actually not legally married but I have a domestic partner as we are both disabled.

My church has single people. We love them and it wouldn't be the same without them. We welcome everyone and we do not just focus on people with families, there is no pressure to conform to a certain family type in my denomination.

Perhaps it might be useful for some to step out of comfort zones and go to an entirely different kind of church.

you are still in a relationship so you are not walking a single life journey. Long term celibacy (so that I do not sin) is not understood in the church in my experience.

I have spent time in many denominations over the years. of course there are singles in your church, because of God we do try and go to church. It is nice to hear singles are welcomed in your church by those in relationships, I wonder if their perspective is of being welcomed or tolerated though. Marrieds often think their church is welcoming to singles but it's just that singles put up with the condescension from them so they can try and worship God.
 
Upvote 0

tampasteve

Pray for peace in Israel
Christian Forums Staff
Administrator
Angels Team
CF Senior Ambassador
Supporter
May 15, 2017
25,210
7,289
Tampa
✟768,102.00
Country
United States
Faith
Methodist
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
you are still in a relationship so you are not walking a single life journey. Long term celibacy (so that I do not sin) is not understood in the church in my experience.

I have spent time in many denominations over the years. of course there are singles in your church, because of God we do try and go to church. It is nice to hear singles are welcomed in your church by those in relationships, I wonder if their perspective is of being welcomed or tolerated though. Marrieds often think their church is welcoming to singles but it's just that singles put up with the condescension from them so they can try and worship God.

I think that you might find that in higher liturgical churches (Catholic, Orthodox, Lutheran, Anglican, etc.) this is less of an issue. The worship is based around the liturgy and participating/experiencing Christ in that manner, less is focused on the people and how they are worshiping.
 
Upvote 0

FireDragon76

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Apr 30, 2013
30,475
18,456
Orlando, Florida
✟1,249,456.00
Country
United States
Faith
United Ch. of Christ
Marital Status
Legal Union (Other)
Politics
US-Democrat
you are still in a relationship so you are not walking a single life journey. Long term celibacy (so that I do not sin) is not understood in the church in my experience.

I have spent time in many denominations over the years. of course there are singles in your church, because of God we do try and go to church. It is nice to hear singles are welcomed in your church by those in relationships, I wonder if their perspective is of being welcomed or tolerated though. Marrieds often think their church is welcoming to singles but it's just that singles put up with the condescension from them so they can try and worship God.

In my experience my church does not merely tolerate people, no, even though we do respect peoples privacy. There's alot of love in my church, even if we are imperfect people. Perhaps recognizing that is why that is so.

I've never experienced anyone being condescending in that manner. We respect that people have different vocations or callings in life.

Is the only reason you are single because you are afraid of sinning? This can come from a place of pride and lack of trust in God's grace, and it isn't a good thing. If you are genuinely unhappy with your life, you need to take steps to address that instead of insisting that it's a problem with churches. You may also have experienced spiritual abuse and coercion to cause you to assume those sorts of attitudes are healthy or normal, and I would suggest talking to a secular counselor or therapist.

God does not want us to be bitter, resentful people. Jesus' yoke is easy, and his burden is light. The rules of the forum here probably wouldn't allow me to explain a fully Lutheran approach on the subject, but I would invite you to check out the Lutheran subforum here, Theologia Crucis, some time. Being Lutheran has shown me a way to be a Christian without unnecessarily legalism or moralism. Life is hard enough, God is not there to make you miserable.

Theologia Crucis - Lutherans
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

StillGods

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2017
1,506
2,640
North Island
✟291,058.00
Country
Australia
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Private
In my experience my church does not merely tolerate people, no, even though we do respect peoples privacy.

I've never experienced anyone being condescending in that manner. We respect that people have different vocations or callings in life.

Is the only reason you are single because you are afraid of sinning? This can come from a place of pride and lack of trust in God's grace, and it isn't a good thing. If you are genuinely unhappy with your life, you need to take steps to address that instead of insisting that it's a problem with churches. You may also have experienced spiritual abuse and coercion to cause you to assume those sorts of attitudes are healthy or normal, and I would suggest talking to a secular counselor or therapist.

God does not want us to be bitter, resentful people. Jesus' yoke is easy, and his burden is light. The rules of the forum here probably wouldn't allow me to explain a fully Lutheran approach on the subject, but I would invite you to check out the Lutheran subforum here, Theologia Crucis, some time.

I'm not into liberal churches as they justify sin sometimes for their own comfort rather than take the hard road.

I have been disillusioned with church many times. And many times been healed by the Lord. Forgive me if I seem bitter I am simply hurt at the moment as someone I know had an abortion a couple of days ago.

I am not unhappy with my single life or life in general. I am just tired of going to church and being surrounded by marrieds with kids who apologize to me when talking about marriage in pitying tones.
they do not understand single life, why should they. so why go somewhere that is in it's own bubble.
easier just not to go.
 
Upvote 0