Relationship Advice - I turned a girl down because of behavior that disturbed me

Trayalc said:

Well, from what she's told me in the past, it sounds like they have lived in generally the same area of the state. I only know of one time they moved, and it was to a town not far from their original home location.
I do not know everywhere her father has been. What I do know is that he is a retired U.S. Marine, who was stationed in Japan. I figured it's possible that is the source of the paranoia.

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Well, seems to me that what you do know for sure is that they have an odd reaction to being photographed, an inappropriate reaction to you in regard to them, and a domineering father whose daughter is, maybe, attached at the hip to him.

They need prayers, but as for any romantic relationship, you know what they say, "There are so many other fish in the sea."

Trayalc said:

Taking it kind of hard today. I haven't seen her since Monday, and I do miss her. But I understand she needs the space, and we both need the time to let this blow over. I hate knowing I've upset someone this much... it makes me feel like I'm at fault.

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Now you are the one sounding crazy.

She flipped out, accused you of lying, started making demands on you when she just met you..... and you feel bad about it? Dude, you need to man-up a bit.

She acted crazy, and you feel bad about it? How are you going to handle life?

Listen, there are crazy people throughout this whole world. You are going to run into them your entire life. If you are going to feel bad every time you meet a crazy person, you are going to have a very sad miserable life.

Unless there is something more to the story? Did you ask your dad to take pictures of her? Did you do something else that gave her cause to feel like she was the subject of her picture being taken?

Why do you feel guilty when.... as best I understand the story... you did nothing wrong?

Stop feeling bad, when the other person acted nuts. Or fix whatever it is that you did, that makes you feel guilty.

My mother is exactly like that, ruuuuuuuuun. Don’t just run, tell her why you want to remain friends, let her know why it bothered you and be a friend and suggest therapy. That is abnormal behavior.

In the Bible we are told many times to seek wisdom and gain knowledge. It seems that, as good as both of your intentions surely are, you are both also making a lot of decisions based off of assumptions you are making about one another. Whether or not she is or isn’t ‘the one’ you should begin to prepare yourself to have more thorough conversations with people, especially a potential romantic partner. God *wants* us to talk to one another. He is the only One who can read our minds.

So, I do think that the wise thing to do here is sit down and have a heart to heart with her, not avoiding tough questions but addressing them in a positive way, asking about her feelings and thoughts on the matter and presenting yours in the same way; no statements of fact that would suggest that you are absolutely right, but merely stating ‘I feel’ when you offer your own perspective. This is the best way to have a peaceful and honest conversation with someone when you think there might have been a misunderstanding.

At the least, it could be that the Lord means for you to have a good friendship with this nice young lady and not allow one awkward and poorly understood situation to destroy what could be a beautiful thing.

After all, discernment begins with *testing* every spirit. Only by a gentle and considerate ‘test’ with others, can we learn what is and isn’t from God.

-Sarah

Trayalc said:

I feel obligated to explain one more part of the story (just for the sake of completion) which I omitted from the OP, simply because I didn't think it affected the outcome much.

After the concert, when I received the text from them saying my dad was taking excessive pictures of them and asking that we delete them, they also wanted to meet up with me at a restaurant to talk about it (they also said I didn't have to).

It was already late that night when the concert ended, and the trip to the restaurant and back to my house would've been over an hour commitment. Not to mention I was tired and, to be honest, a bit taken aback by their reasons for leaving, and I was nervous to meet with her dad especially. So I politely asked if we could discuss it another time, which they said okay to.

I figured there was nothing they could've told me that night that they couldn't have told me later. I also wanted to spend the night with my family rather than possibly being lectured on my dad's supposed behavior.

I then returned home, looked through the pictures, found the crowd picture, sent it to them, and that's when I received the text about my explanation not being believable.

And that's it. I've now told the whole story. I just felt obligated to add that in. Not sure if anyone's minds are changed or not.

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That is a bit more information that could actually mean something. Sometimes people are ready to talk about something when they have decided to take the time to compose themselves and not be emotional, just as vice versa.

My advice at this time is to use the tried and true method of: 1) Praying for Holy Spirit’s guidance and asking Him for Three separate verses addressing your situation to help you with discernment. 2) As you read the verses (write them down so that you don’t forget them before you start your reading), use the approach of reading each passage He guided you to 3 times each; the first time, you are just letting yourself read it; the 2nd time, you are going more slowly and taking in the context and other details very carefully; the 3rd time through your reading of each passage, you are actively thinking about what leaped out at you from the text and praying for Holy Spirit to show you the life application that He wants you to see.

When you have done this you will have a much better idea about how God Himself wants you to handle a situation that sounds too mysterious for humans who have limited information.

Praying for you!

-Sarah

Trayalc said:

I feel obligated to explain one more part of the story (just for the sake of completion) which I omitted from the OP, simply because I didn't think it affected the outcome much.

After the concert, when I received the text from them saying my dad was taking excessive pictures of them and asking that we delete them, they also wanted to meet up with me at a restaurant to talk about it (they also said I didn't have to).

It was already late that night when the concert ended, and the trip to the restaurant and back to my house would've been over an hour commitment. Not to mention I was tired and, to be honest, a bit taken aback by their reasons for leaving, and I was nervous to meet with her dad especially. So I politely asked if we could discuss it another time, which they said okay to.

I figured there was nothing they could've told me that night that they couldn't have told me later. I also wanted to spend the night with my family rather than possibly being lectured on my dad's supposed behavior.

I then returned home, looked through the pictures, found the crowd picture, sent it to them, and that's when I received the text about my explanation not being believable.

And that's it. I've now told the whole story. I just felt obligated to add that in. Not sure if anyone's minds are changed or not.

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It hasn't change my mind. It all seems stranger and stranger. Let's say the guy had some kind of traumatic experience in Japan that made him spooked by photos of him - possible but it seems far fetched - well, why couldn't his daughter share that with you in an email or over the phone? Ditto any other concerns. I still wonder about some kind of nefarious activities that make him fear photos. The father and daughter are unclear and evasive and attacking. All big red flags.

A meeting at a restaurant may have just been a hoped for opportunity for the father to put a spin on things and suck you in, to keep you from suspecting the real story. Again, there is email, the phone, even a meeting with the daughter in person to give a reasonable point of view. I would bet money that you will never, ever, hear a reasonable explanation for what happened - though, again, they may try to manipulate your mind and emotions into thinking such is the case. (If that ever does happen, reality check with others. Ask them if their story makes any kind of sense.)

You may look back on this some day and be grateful that you got the clues to help you get out before you were even more emotionally involved.

I also agree with the poster, above, who thinks you need to not be taking on guilt, and feeling responsible for, others' strange actions. Maybe study how to keep your emotional boundaries. The book Boundaries is a great Christian classic.

As someone said above, ruuuuuuuun.

If her father is trying so hard to control both of you, it will only get worse. He should be sitting back and allowing her to make decisions at her age. She can ask his advice but for him to just get in your face or hers over something that isn't sinful, just seems scary. If she lets him control her now, she might still show her allegiance to him after she's married. Her marriage will be a disaster!

Trayalc said:

Well, from what she's told me in the past, it sounds like they have lived in generally the same area of the state. I only know of one time they moved, and it was to a town not far from their original home location.
I do not know everywhere her father has been. What I do know is that he is a retired U.S. Marine, who was stationed in Japan. I figured it's possible that is the source of the paranoia.

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Lots of retired Marines take lots of pictures of themselves and their families. Maybe he did covert ops at some point?