I’ve shared my story around the different forum pages but now I’m really struggling worse then before.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been asking God to clear up the confusion I’m having and give me clarity and to teach me, but, I feel like he hasn’t been doing that and things are getting worse.
Most people don’t understand my story and I’d appreciate if you all refrain from saying it’s a chemical or hormonal imbalance when I know it’s not. I’ve been fed thru feelings the past 18 yrs and these last 3 weeks, God has been slowly moving away from that for me.
It is Extremely hard. I’m used to always having a boost under me which has allowed me to stay faithful and act normal throughout the day. It’s hard after feeling something 24 hrs a day for 18 yrs and 3 months, to shift into not feeling anything at all and I don’t know how to do this.
I can’t wrap my mind around it. I’ve been ‘holding’ the last few weeks where I’m not doing too much. Go to work, do a couple things at home, and then just sit. I feel if I start acting ‘normal’, aka watching tv, playing video games, etc., that I won’t stay faithful to God anymore bc I don’t get it.
Put yourselves in my position. Imagine if you felt something every second of everyday for over 18 years and then all of a sudden it was taken from you and you felt absolutely nothing and God was being silent. Would you be able to stay faithful without a problem. Would you know How to stay faithful without having a boost of some sort? Do you think you’d be able to do it?
My mom has explained it to me numerous times but I’m still extremely confused and I still don’t get it. I told my mom, I can either continue holding like I’ve been doing or, live my life without God bc I don’t know how to combine the 2 now that I don’t feel anything. My mind is totally boggled and confused. Both my parents have been praying for God to give me clarity and to clear my confusion but so far, it hasn’t happened.
I wish I could do what my parents are doing, but, I can’t right now. I feel like if I start living normally right now, I wil not be taking God with me bc I don’t know how to. My mom says she does think about God throughout the day but this is 2nd nature for her as she became a Christian when she was 10, and accepted it as truth and never had a problem staying faithful.
18 yrs ago, God found me. It felt like he hit me with a lightning strike when I was sitting in youth group and that’s how it all started for me. I had a full 7 yrs with trembling but 3 yrs after I was saved, I started receiving the deep peace. My one professor told me that if other Christians went thru what I was going thru, most would’ve given up by then. It’s been an extremely tough battle and I have almost given up numerous times but have pushed thru. But, now, I feel I’m in dire straits bc if this confusion isn’t cleared up soon, I will be done. I can only hold on for so long. Just a few hrs ago, I told God how confused I was about all this and to please clear up the confusion. I’m just getting extremely frustrated with this. I’ve done my best to stay faithful, meant everything I’ve ever prayed, and, yet, it continues to get even harder for me to hang on when I have this confusion hanging over my head. I don’t know what else to do....
