I need an orthodox view please

SamanthaAnastasia · Apr 12, 2019

I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)
There is more like believing that the end was near, speaking gibberish that I believed was tongues, practicing “occult” because I thought I was helping(I don’t know why), and thinking I was abducted by “angelic” aliens.
Turns out, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1/schizoaffective disorder.
I feel horrible about these things I did when I was mentally ill.
Sometimes I have a little voice (anxiety...not actual voices...those are terrifying) saying I’m going to hell because what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’m scared to tell a priest straight out yet.
I just wanted to know an orthodox perspective.
Do you think i will never be forgiven?
I have so much guilt about this and I think about everyday and it happened over 6 years ago.
Any thoughts are most grateful.

HTacianas · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)
There is more like believing that the end was near, speaking gibberish that I believed was tongues, practicing “occult” because I thought I was helping(I don’t know why), and thinking I was abducted by “angelic” angels.
Turns out, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1/schizoaffective disorder.
I feel horrible about these things I have did when I was mentally ill.
Sometimes I have a little voice (anxiety...not actual voices...those are terrifying) saying I’m going to hell because what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’m scared to tell a priest straight out yet.
I just wanted to know an orthodox perspective.
Do you think i will never be forgiven?
I have so much guilt about this and I think about everyday and it happened over 6 years ago.
Any thoughts are most grateful.

It sounds to me like you had an episode of some mental disorder and did some things you are not entirely responsible for.

@ArmyMatt will likely be able to help you with your concerns.

All4Christ · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)
There is more like believing that the end was near, speaking gibberish that I believed was tongues, practicing “occult” because I thought I was helping(I don’t know why), and thinking I was abducted by “angelic” angels.
Turns out, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1/schizoaffective disorder.
I feel horrible about these things I have did when I was mentally ill.
Sometimes I have a little voice (anxiety...not actual voices...those are terrifying) saying I’m going to hell because what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’m scared to tell a priest straight out yet.
I just wanted to know an orthodox perspective.
Do you think i will never be forgiven?
I have so much guilt about this and I think about everyday and it happened over 6 years ago.
Any thoughts are most grateful.

Prayers for you; know that God is always ready and waiting for us to depend on Him and grow closer to Him. All we need to do is turn to Him.

I agree with having advice from Fr Matt; that said, I do recommend anytime you struggle with anything to say the following: Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me a sinner

Lukaris · Apr 12, 2019

You are asking for forgiveness so no one can say you cannot be forgiven. It also seems that your struggle is internal & you have not hurt anyone. Regardless, forgiveness should still be there; I just think it is easier to obtain as long as no one else has been hurt.

Obviously I am limited in what I can offer but I feel you should be hopeful since you seem to be asking the Lord with greater humility than I know I do.

also, see: Matthew 19:25-26, Romans 8:38-39 etc.

FireDragon76 · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)

Are you familiar with the term "holy fool" or "fool for Christ"?

Sometimes things like that can point you to things that are going on subconsciously. I watched an interview with a psychiatrist (at the moment, his name escapes me) who actually himself was diagnosed with schizophrenia as a young man, and he later went on to make a recovery. And he talked about how he eventually understood his own ideas of reference in almost spiritual terms. His delusions were really a way for him to process not understanding his life's purpose: he thought everybody else was getting secret messages through the mail telling them what to do, but not him, so he thought there was a conspiracy of sorts against him. He eventually understood that he himself wasn't sure about what he should do in life, and he was expressing that through ideas of reference.

A bible can always be replaced, it is just paper.

FireDragon76 · Apr 12, 2019

The imagery of having Jesus reminds me of something a priest once preached about on the feast of the Dormition. Perhaps it was your attempt to express something that is deeply Christian: we are all called to be "Christ-bearers". Also, eating pages out of a Bible could represent a spiritual hunger of sorts- the Bible after all has this sort of imagery itself, and even in my own tradition the pastor talks about Holy Communion as "the edible Word".

The other things could be due to the influence of whatever religious community you were involved with. Some churches focus alot on the End Times and if you are prone to anxiety of course you might express that through less-than-clear thinking.

ArmyMatt · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)
There is more like believing that the end was near, speaking gibberish that I believed was tongues, practicing “occult” because I thought I was helping(I don’t know why), and thinking I was abducted by “angelic” aliens.
Turns out, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1/schizoaffective disorder.
I feel horrible about these things I did when I was mentally ill.
Sometimes I have a little voice (anxiety...not actual voices...those are terrifying) saying I’m going to hell because what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’m scared to tell a priest straight out yet.
I just wanted to know an orthodox perspective.
Do you think i will never be forgiven?
I have so much guilt about this and I think about everyday and it happened over 6 years ago.
Any thoughts are most grateful.

there is no sin that any of us can commit that is beyond God's mercy. remember confession is about healing and wholeness, from a God who seeks your salvation.

Lukaris · Apr 12, 2019

I think these unpardonable sins apply to the unrepentant who die in their sins. This person is coming to the Lord in tears of repentance.

“...tears too have great power. They gain God’s mercy for our faults, purify is of the defilements produced through sensual pleasures, and spur our desire upwards.” St. Theodoros the great ascetic, Theoretikon, Philokalia vol. 2. ( 7th. c. AD?).

-Sasha- · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)
There is more like believing that the end was near, speaking gibberish that I believed was tongues, practicing “occult” because I thought I was helping(I don’t know why), and thinking I was abducted by “angelic” aliens.
Turns out, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1/schizoaffective disorder.
I feel horrible about these things I did when I was mentally ill.
Sometimes I have a little voice (anxiety...not actual voices...those are terrifying) saying I’m going to hell because what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’m scared to tell a priest straight out yet.
I just wanted to know an orthodox perspective.
Do you think i will never be forgiven?
I have so much guilt about this and I think about everyday and it happened over 6 years ago.
Any thoughts are most grateful.

I think it will greatly benefit you to confess these things which are tormenting you to a priest. I believe that God is at work in the Father Confessor, and can effect healing through them when we go to them with faith. We have it so backwards when we fear confession or are embarassd over it, rather than having these feelings towards the sin itself and instead running towards confession in hope and joy. It is a great gift given to us sinners.
And of course you are not beyond God's ability or desire to offer mercy and forgiveness! He desires that all should return to Him and be saved. Christ came not for the righteous, but for the sinner.

archer75 · Apr 12, 2019

Confession or simply talking to a priest can help you to sort out what is sin from what is an unpleasant or scary experience due to illness. Having an illness is not sin, but you should speak to someone about this in person.

MariaJLM · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
I’m looking to become orthodox.
I have a very sinful past though.
After I was baptized, I heard a voice in my head to eat pages of the Bible. I did.
Shortly after, I became delusional and had a psychotic episode where I believed I was going to have Jesus (even though I was not a virgin or sexually active at the time)
There is more like believing that the end was near, speaking gibberish that I believed was tongues, practicing “occult” because I thought I was helping(I don’t know why), and thinking I was abducted by “angelic” aliens.
Turns out, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1/schizoaffective disorder.
I feel horrible about these things I did when I was mentally ill.
Sometimes I have a little voice (anxiety...not actual voices...those are terrifying) saying I’m going to hell because what I’ve done is unforgivable.
I’m scared to tell a priest straight out yet.
I just wanted to know an orthodox perspective.
Do you think i will never be forgiven?
I have so much guilt about this and I think about everyday and it happened over 6 years ago.
Any thoughts are most grateful.

I'm also mentally ill(not bipolar/schizo, though). It makes us prone to thoughts and actions that would be considered sinful, but I think God is especially forgiving when we repent of these actions simply because we have little control over them. That said, when one enters the church they're reborn and become a clean slate. Anything you did in the past before converting would no longer have a bearing on your soul. God is infinitely merciful like that

.

SamanthaAnastasia · Apr 12, 2019

MariaJLM said:
I'm also mentally ill(not bipolar/schizo, though). It makes us prone to thoughts and actions that would be considered sinful, but I think God is especially forgiving when we repent of these actions simply because we have little control over them. That said, when one enters the church they're reborn and become a clean slate. Anything you did in the past before converting would no longer have a bearing on your soul. God is infinitely merciful like that .

But that’s the thing...I did it after I was a Christian

MariaJLM · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
But that’s the thing...I did it after I was a Christian

Well, if you think Christians don't sin then I have news for you...

archer75 · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
But that’s the thing...I did it after I was a Christian

Things done as a Christian also can be forgiven. But again, talk to a priest about this. Do you have a parish you can visit?

FireDragon76 · Apr 12, 2019

MariaJLM said:
I think it's only unforgivable in the sense that the person is dead, thus cannot repent.

If it's unforgivable, why pray for them?

We don't believe suicide is unforgivable because Luther said that a victim of suicide is more like a man in the woods who has been robbed. So he abolished the medieval practice of never burying suicide victims with a Christian funeral. We also have a strong sense of trusting in God's promises given to us in baptism. God does not stop loving us just because we are overwhelmed or overpowered, or we make bad choices.

Nevertheless, we generally are against people committing suicide, but we view it less as a sin that sends people to hell and more as something people need to get help with.

FireDragon76 · Apr 12, 2019

I'm going to start a thread on St. Justin Martyr's Corner.

archer75 · Apr 12, 2019

FireDragon76 said:
Right. But the implication from some is that suicide is unpardonable. I know my church does not teach this, and I thought Orthodox might also.

Link

SamanthaAnastasia · Apr 12, 2019

archer75 said:
Things done as a Christian also can be forgiven. But again, talk to a priest about this. Do you have a parish you can visit?

Yes, I just wanted to say this here as idk a warm up to talking to a priest. Silly as it sounds.

St. Helens · Apr 12, 2019

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archer75 · Apr 12, 2019

Bipolargirl said:
Yes, I just wanted to say this here as idk a warm up to talking to a priest. Silly as it sounds.

Nah, I didn't mean you shouldn't ask on here.

I need an orthodox view please

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