What Constitutes Sex Before Marriage?

I have absolutely, positively, no idea. Ask God; He's the expert.

The boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable are so hugely dependant on culture and upbringing that I really don't have a framework for answering you; the question of whether or not having sex before you marry is sinful is not one directly addressed by the Bible; it's just a cultural norm we have.

Sex is for marriage? What is sex? I believe that sex is anything where you touch a part of your partner that is not yours. But that is oversimplified.

I personally believe that physical involvement (and I mean all physical involvement - kissing, cuddling, foreplay, intercourse, oral and whatever) should only be for the marriage bed - should only be for after marriage and not before.  



Hebrews 13:4

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

 

Good answer Hotknikkels.

thanks

Sounds like from what you have written that you know the answer to your own question.
There's more to this than simply, "It's wrong."
It becomes the focus of a relationship and you end up neglecting much more important parts. I got wrapped up in a deal like this and wound up dating a girl for a year and a half when if I had had my head on straight we would have lasted 3 maybe 4 months. Thank the good Lord I didn't marry her. She was a sweet girl, but we didn't work together. It took moving away to college to realize that.

Hey been in your boat before my friend. I found out to that sex before marriage was wrong, and so I stopped and ask forgivness of my sins, and to be cleansed from the unholyness I have committed. Despite all that, we still fool around..... were only humans. I think that doing that stuff is wring to, but we don't do it as much, plus now we look forward to spending a life time with God together. I am glad you too cut out the sex. You can cut out the other stuff too, you just have to find out if it is that important to you. If so, then pray to God. If not, then more power to you. Remember God loves you, pray often!

I am praying for you and that God will bless you both. Amen!

Now I can promise you most people will disagree with my post; but I want to share my thoughts with you

If you and your girlfriend are in a committed and loving relationship; I believe that "fooling around" is ok. I believe that so long as you stay within your comfort boundries, of which you need to personally talk to God pray about and then you, God and your heart can decide what is far enough for the two of you to go!

For my boyfriend and I, we live together. We don't have a lot of lines that can't be crossed, and we are both fine with that. But Those are things I have personally worked out with God... so follow your heart hun!

But don't follow your heart if your heart tells you to disobey God!

Ed7,

      From what youve shared, in my opinion, its time to get married. You've dated this girl for 4 years, 2 of those years were in intimate relationship. Now you've both come to the Lord, and you both know what God requires of you. You both also know about each other in ways that only a married couples would know. The flames of  desire that you have for each other will only grow until you either get married or go your seperate ways.  In 1Cor 7:8 & 9 we read;

8 Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.

9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

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The hugging & kissing may be alright, however, that would be enough to spark the fire again, especially if your alone. If you want to stay true to God, and His word, and also be with each other, get married.

 

 

Christ said that looking at a woman with lust was comitting adultury. As Christians we are not just called to an external law of purity, our hearts must be pure. Can you honestly say that you can engage in "fooling around" without having impure thoughts? If you are becoming aroused, there is going to be tension building in your body, and with your body ready for sex, you're going to have a lot of trouble keeping your eyes pure and keeping your thoughts pure. Intimacy between a couple is reserved for marriage, the more you try to "push the limits" the more danger you put yourself in of falling. The time of courtship is not a time for enjoying intimacy, it is a time of prepairing the foundation of a strong marriage, built upon the Rock.

In my opinion, the question has not been answered:

If you touch and kiss before marriage, does that constitute disobeying God?
Touch and kiss is obviously not sex, but there are kinds of touches and kisses that can count as lust.

And then comes my own question, your desire for the other person may be strong (stronger when touching or kissing), and that may count as lust, and lust for someone you haven't married.

These are the basic questions. What do you think?

Why touch and kiss? That is my question? Is it for pleasure? Is it to show affection? Is it to demonstrate to others that you love that person?

Pleasure? Well, that is selfcentred and is what lust is, so that is wrong!

Show affection? There are many other ways of showing affection and kissing and touching don't need to be one of them! Being there, expressing your feelings, sharing, giving and things like that are all ways of showing affection.

Demonstrate to others that you love that person? Again what I just said answers that.

Your desire for the other person may be strong (stronger when touching or kissing), and that may count as lust, and lust for someone you haven't married.

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I agree with that.

Please see the threads on kissing and is it right and dating - this is discussed in greater detail there - you may have to go to the beginning of the threads to see people's opinions though.

A few bible quotes:

1 Corinthians 6:18
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.


A few quidelines I think are usefull to look at before you are married are these: 


 

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  Make a commitment to each other before the emotions start rolling. Keep to it. Something to consider in such a commitment is how you would expect someone to treat your spouse. Treat this lady/gentleman the same way!
  
  
  If you are in a room together, definitely keep the door open!
  
  
  Always be in a place where you can be easily interrupted.
  
  
  Never be alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex. Billy Graham always takes a friend along with him when he travels. Why? Two reasons -- one to avoid any allegations of impropriety, and secondly to protect him from seductive woman -- I believe they once walked into a room where a naked woman was waiting for him!
  
  
  Avoid romantic relationships completely until you are ready to commit to marriage. Only engage the romance after your commitment. You will have the pleasure of learning romance with the one person whom you will practise it with for the rest of your life! 

In conclusion, is it disobeying God - I think so - until you are not engaged to a girl - you should not persue romance - but treat "older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (1 Tim 5:2) - so would you snog your mother or sister??? Seriously, what is the rush anyway, remember that you will have the pleasure of learning romance with the one person whom you will practise it with for the rest of your life!  
 

In conclusion of your responses, not even being in the same room alone with someone you haven't yet committed yourself to marry is wrong.

Then, two more questions come to my mind: (you may respond if you please from your own reasoning and experience, but quoting scripture will also be more helpful)

1-can you touch and kiss after you've committed yourself to each other for marriage?

2-if you can't be intimate in these ways, how can you know you are emotionally compatible in intimacy.

3-Sure, there are other ways to be intimate, but what about the physical compatibilty and being comfortable in the arms of each other? I am expecting your response will be yes, you can hold hands and hug for hours and kiss them on the chick, caress their hair and hands.

But these mostly cause some sort of sensual and sexual longing for each other if you're alone (no partner) and you know you love each other. That's lust. I am confused where you draw the line. Even the thought of being with that person is inevitable and can count as lust.


Please give us your thoughts on this. Thanks!

being in the same room alone with someone you haven't yet committed yourself to marry is wrong.

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If you are in a room together, definitely keep the door open! And always be in a place where you can be easily interrupted. I did not say you can't be in a room alone, just follow those guidelines to be safe. I think being alone in a house is not a wise idea - in a room alone but other people in the house and the door left open or in a room where people can interrupt!

1-can you touch and kiss after you've committed yourself to each other for marriage?

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I would say that you can once you are married but not before - that is because Paul says flee from temptation and by kissing someone who is not yet your wife/husband you are starting a process which should be finished by intercourse and if that person is not yet your wife/husband you are not allowed to finish the process - so you are really be unfair to yourself, if that makes sense!

2-if you can't be intimate in these ways, how can you know you are emotionally compatible in intimacy.

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That is a excuse used for sex, if I don't have sex how will I know if I am "emotionally compatible in intimacy". Seriously that ain't even an excuse!!! You will know if you are compatible to marry if God and others confirm that and you are engaged to that person, that my guess is that you are compatible (or you would not be getting married!) and "you will have the pleasure of learning romance with the one person whom you will practise it with for the rest of your life!"

3-Sure, there are other ways to be intimate, but what about the physical compatibilty and being comfortable in the arms of each other? I am expecting your response will be yes, you can hold hands and hug for hours and kiss them on the chick, caress their hair and hands.

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Expect again! If you want to open yourself up to all sorts of temptation then go ahead. I have said already and I will say it again, I believe that any type of physical involvement before marriage is harmful and not good, and we should only seek physical involvement after marriage. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that if you think you will marry this person and you are engaged to them that you should not persue romance, but romance does not consist of kissing, huddling, caressing and all that. What about caring? Sharing? Giving? Being there?

I am not trying to judge, I am only trying to point my fellow christians to godliness as I strive to run that race aswell!!! I pray that what I said will be considered and that God will speak into your heart what is right for you. For me, what I have said is what I believe is the best that we, as an example, we should not follow the pattern of the world when looking at dating but we should look at the Bible and what God says!

Thanks, Hotknikkels.

On question 2, I never said "sex."(It's clear for many including myself that sex before marriage is wrong.)

I was talking about touch, hold, caress (face, hair, hands), and kiss, and the feelings that follow such as the desire and longing for that person. The body if not the mind will have such desires. Although you don't have sex, you desire it.

But it seems you're saying that even that is wrong alhtough we are SURE we will NOT do anything more than the touch and kiss. Right?

Today at 09:14 AM hotknikkels™ said this in Post #16

I would say that you can once you are married but not before - that is because Paul says flee from temptation and by kissing someone who is not yet your wife/husband you are starting a process which should be finished by intercourse and if that person is not yet your wife/husband you are not allowed to finish the process - so you are really be unfair to yourself, if that makes sense! 
 

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I don't understand why you believe a kiss should be finished by intercourse. When my husband and I kiss it doesn't always end in intercourse nor do we always want it to.  Sometimes I just want a kiss.  It doesn't mean I necessarily want to have sex.  I'm not trying to be gross here or anything.  I just don't understand why you say that.

Tami 

Yes, Tami is right according to my current beliefs. There is no way I will want to "finish the process." Both my potential future partner and I know and stand strongly agains sex before marriage. That's way out of the question. My question is whether being physically intimate to trigger a strong passion for one another is wrong.

On the other hand, here is something useful I found in another thread that shows why we shouldn't get ourselves in ways that we can be tempted.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jer 17:9).

The heart is willful and is driven by its own agenda. It does not consider things rationally and intelligently - it just loves to love!

Therefore you have to point it to the right directions: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life" (Proverbs 4:23).


These are compelling facts. But if you have your heart under control and are sure you will NEVER even want to have sex before marriage, is it okay to allow these kinds of intimacy and romance in order to make sure you are compatible?