Grace, Power to love: the Lord sustained me

my mom has dementia, my father is in a rehab nursing home. I just spent 5 days and nights with my mom at her house, taking her to visit my father every day.

from about 7 in the morning until I finally go into the bedroom where i'm sleeping at about 8:30 or 9 pm, I go through variations of this conversation:

"where is your dad?"
"he's in the nursing home over at [town]."
"well, what's he doing there?"
"he's down in his back."
"oh, he's always complaining about his back. how long has he been there?"
"well, tomorrow will make 3 weeks..."
"THREE WEEKS? well, why hasn't anybody told me? i'm his wife, don't I deserve to know something?"

she might stop there for as long as 30 seconds, or she might roll around in self-pity for a few minutes. the thing that you want to say so much is "mom, I just told you a minute ago. you have been told, thousands of times." but to say that is chancing her face turning dark and "are you trying to tell me i'm losing my mind? do you think you're going put me in the feeble-minded institute?" and having a hours long tirade.

but generally, before 30 seconds have gone by:
"Just tell me one thing: where is your dad?"
"He's over at the [blah blah] nursing home."
"why is he over there?"
"he's down in his back."
"Oh, he's always complaining about his back. your dad likes to complain, you know. well, what are they doing for his back?"
"antibiotics and therapy."
"well, wait a minute. how long has he been there?"
"about 3 weeks."
"he's been in there for 3 weeks and nobody told me? have I been here by myself for 3 weeks?"
"no, somebody has been here every night."
"well, I must be losing my mind...now, where is your dad?"

before another minute has gone by, "Where is your dad?"


from 7 in the morning until I try to go to bed, this is over and over and over. but when I do go to bed, she comes into the bedroom at least 3 or 4 times and asks, "Where is your dad?" one night, she woke me up at about 3 am and asked me "where's your dad?" and this time there was the variation of "where is mom?" her mom has been dead for about 10 years.

one morning, before we hit the road to the nursing room, I told her that she had been told over and over where he was and everything about it. she went off for the next hour or so. I went and walked around the farm for awhile. when I returned to the house, I put on a big smile and said, "ready to go ?". when we got in the car, "Did you see Eddie?" (her youngest brother)
"no?"
"Well, Eddie was here and he said he was going to put me in the feeble-minded institute."
"He must be on an all-night drunk, you reckon?" (He's known to be quite a bit of a drinker.)
"well, if he comes over here again, i'll shoot him" (she doesn't have a gun, though she doesn't know it.) I am really grateful that the Lord went into her mind and changed me to Eddie. and, no, she's not still mad at him, she's forgot it all.


at the nursing home, my father really is in terrible shape. it is starting to look like he might be there a lot longer than we had thought. when we get there, mom asks the usual questions, then after answering her several times, he gets onto "I just told you!" she storms out. I put her in the car and drive her around for a couple of hours while she cries and wails and tells me how he has never really loved her and so forth and so on. I pretty much agree with everything she says with an occaisional "oh, mom, you know that ain't true..." I got her home and snuck off and called my dad and told him that he needs to call her and tell her he loves her. he did that, and for about 20-30 minutes she is happy as she can be. then she forgets it, but at least her mood has shifted.

...but what I really want to say about this situation is that I CANNOT do what I wrote above. But I did! I actually stayed with her that long and lost neither my mind nor my cool. I had that one morning when I told her "you've been told a thousand times!" and she went all to pieces, so I learned that lesson. But Jesus helped me every step of the way.

if you have never dealt extensively with a dementia victim, you JUST DON'T KNOW. it is absolutely soul ravaging. I came home Friday night at about 6:30. it was about 7 oclock Saturday night before I felt like I had decompressed and more or less recovered. I didn't want anyone to talk to me. I just wanted to breathe, that's all.

but I found out how difficult it is and now I know that the situation is untenable. this afternoon, my wife and I are going to a seminar on the legalities of elder law, and in the coming week, certain actions will be taken. I need the Lord's help to make it through all this, too.

anyhow, the headline here is "Jesus did a week long miracle!" Great and Glorious is He!

quietbloke said:

I so sympathise with you,'mark'. My Mother-In-Law,87,has dementia and my Father-In-Law,91,has Alzheimer's. It is so sad to see Mum repeating the same thing over and over and Dad forgetting how to do things he has done all his life. I pray that God will give you grace and patience in your sad situation and bring peace to your mother and father.

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thank you, Quietbloke. your prayers are appreciated.

musicalpilgrim said:

I pray for you Mark, for spiritual strength and the peace that only comes from the Lord.
I pray for a miracle for your mom, for the restoration of her mind and peace from the Lord. I pray for healing for your dad and for him to grow ever closer to the Lord, in Jesus name

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Thank you so very much, Musical pilgrim. i am also a musical pilgrim.

OK, things are much better. today, we were able to get my mother into a very nice memory care center. I was afraid it was going to be world war 3, but the employees of the center were able to gently persuade her into the van and she went off smiling. Thank You, Lord Jesus, for answer to our prayers.