Pastor and his wife’s behavior toward members

Matt007 said:

The difference this time is that I could not contribute due to my financial situation.

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And they won't remember that you did, when you were able to...? (It sounds like it wasn't just your dad who was using you.)

Matt007 said:

Dear all,

Just some background info:
I’m 30 years old. I serve in church as the keyboard player. Been serving in church for 23 years.

I’m self employed as a library supplier and business has been quiet since the beginning of 2019. However I went on a 7 day fast for my business, and the day after breaking fast I received many big orders. Praise God.

Life hasn’t been good for me and my pastor and his wife knows about the struggles I gave in life.

Anyway since I’m a library supplier and I’ve managed to secure many big orders through fasting and trusting in God, I didn’t have enough funds to fulfill these orders, in fact I didn’t have any money at all.

So my pastor decides to start a project of some renovations at church and asked people to pledge. I could not pledge since I have no money at all.

Anyway, I decide to attend a huge book event in Europe. Paid for by my cousin, to meet with my suppliers and negotiate better terms to execute these orders on hand.

My pastor and his wife now ignore me and don’t even acknowledge my presence in church even though I still serve. I think it’s because I could not pledge toward their project but they feel as though I did not pledge but could travel to Europe.

I need advice on how to handle this situation. I did nothing wrong. I am always obedient with my tithes. And I’m a very committed server in church.

I’m really discouraged and feel like leaving church.

Thanking you in advance

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I haven't attended my church in a year. My reason is because at the worse time in my husband (mine too) life, the pastor(s) never came to our home to offer comfort nor any other aid. My husband lost his one and only daughter to suicide.

I no longer have faith in "churches" anymore and definitely not in some pastors. IMHO the earthly church has lost it original meaning for individuals. In some churches, members who do not attend each week, do not pay x amount of $$$ are ignored by the pastors. I understand how you feel. Money should have nothing to do with preachers tending to their flock.

Matt007 said:

Dear all,

Just some background info:
I’m 30 years old. I serve in church as the keyboard player. Been serving in church for 23 years.

I’m self employed as a library supplier and business has been quiet since the beginning of 2019. However I went on a 7 day fast for my business, and the day after breaking fast I received many big orders. Praise God.

Life hasn’t been good for me and my pastor and his wife knows about the struggles I gave in life.

Anyway since I’m a library supplier and I’ve managed to secure many big orders through fasting and trusting in God, I didn’t have enough funds to fulfill these orders, in fact I didn’t have any money at all.

So my pastor decides to start a project of some renovations at church and asked people to pledge. I could not pledge since I have no money at all.

Anyway, I decide to attend a huge book event in Europe. Paid for by my cousin, to meet with my suppliers and negotiate better terms to execute these orders on hand.

My pastor and his wife now ignore me and don’t even acknowledge my presence in church even though I still serve. I think it’s because I could not pledge toward their project but they feel as though I did not pledge but could travel to Europe.

I need advice on how to handle this situation. I did nothing wrong. I am always obedient with my tithes. And I’m a very committed server in church.

I’m really discouraged and feel like leaving church.

Thanking you in advance

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Leading a community is a big job. It could be that the pastor has millions of things on his mind. It's totally possible that he means no harm and isn't intentionally avoiding you.

It's also possible that he's a greedy jerk who only values other people based on their pocket book.

So one effective way of dealing with this is an open dialogue with him. Perhaps you can arrange a meeting with the pastor, one-on-one. That way you can get to the bottom of this. This man is taking responsibility for your soul by being a spiritual authority in your life. It's not unreasonable to ask for a few minutes of his time so that your concerns can be laid to rest.

Good luck.

I agree that you did nothing wrong. And you can't really work in a place where your employer ignores you--church or not.

Matt007 said:

How can I talk to them when they point blank ignore me.

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You can't. You can only pray that if it is God's will, He will open their hearts to give you the opportunity to speak. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

thecolorsblend said:

Leading a community is a big job.

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Particularly for those self-appointed leaders not called by God.

Matt007 said:

Dear all,

Just some background info:
I’m 30 years old. I serve in church as the keyboard player. Been serving in church for 23 years.

I’m self employed as a library supplier and business has been quiet since the beginning of 2019. However I went on a 7 day fast for my business, and the day after breaking fast I received many big orders. Praise God.

Life hasn’t been good for me and my pastor and his wife knows about the struggles I gave in life.

Anyway since I’m a library supplier and I’ve managed to secure many big orders through fasting and trusting in God, I didn’t have enough funds to fulfill these orders, in fact I didn’t have any money at all.

So my pastor decides to start a project of some renovations at church and asked people to pledge. I could not pledge since I have no money at all.

Anyway, I decide to attend a huge book event in Europe. Paid for by my cousin, to meet with my suppliers and negotiate better terms to execute these orders on hand.

My pastor and his wife now ignore me and don’t even acknowledge my presence in church even though I still serve. I think it’s because I could not pledge toward their project but they feel as though I did not pledge but could travel to Europe.

I need advice on how to handle this situation. I did nothing wrong. I am always obedient with my tithes. And I’m a very committed server in church.

I’m really discouraged and feel like leaving church.

Thanking you in advance

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Can you honestly listen to him preach about not being petty or anything else?

If a talk with him doesn't bring about an apology and understanding, you'll know what to do

gym_class_hero said:

I'd approach him and ask him if you have offended him in any way. If he brings up the pledge, you can explain your side of the story. If he doesn't accept it, find a new church. Churches are full of imperfect people seeking a perfect God. Don't let how one believer acts change your heart towards God.

God bless you.

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If he brings up the pledge even MORE reason to leave

christine40 said:

have you spoken to them since returning?
asked how they're doing?

sometimes people think something is their fault but has absolutely nothing to do with them but instead could be something going on in the other person's life

often people are battling health issues or family problems
most people at any given time are going through something OR a family member is

so maybe talk with them and ask how they're doing?
blessings

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"So...how are YOU guys doing?"
"Oh, JUST FINE, NON PLEDGER"

Just kidding!

ChicanaRose said:

You can't. You can only pray that if it is God's will, He will open their hearts to give you the opportunity to speak. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

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It's nothing to go through. Finding another church is easy?

ChicanaRose said:

You can't. You can only pray that if it is God's will, He will open their hearts to give you the opportunity to speak. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

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hello Rose. I really liked your gentle- Godly posts!

Sadly if 'leaders' have some inner insecurity or bad motives choking their hearts then in my experience they won't be open to dialogue. Perhaps they weren't called to be leaders, but that cannot be helped by a member. In the end it will come down to one of two choices, stay (quiet) or leave. God can lead the member to pastures new. God Bless

Kenyon Ledford said:

It's nothing to go through. Finding another church is easy?

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A person can be in a good happy church, even for years, then find that it is changed, morphed into something new. A change of leader or a bad choice could do that. In this world only Jesus Christ is the same Yesterday, Today and Forever.

Sometimes allowing the Lord to lead us into a new pasture is the way to go.

I was sad when I felt I had to leave AOG in 2007, but the Lord led me to a new pasture- I've never looked back.

Now I would advise others not to stay in a spiritually toxic environment for any length of time. Overcome the nostalgia, leave. Go with God.

Matt007 said:

How can I talk to them when they point blank ignore me. I was the one who was away from church so isn't it their responsibility to find out if I'm ok and if I had a successful trip.

None of that has taken place. So I will not force myself to speak to people who assume things without being upfront and also judge me without cause.

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What proof is there that they are ignoring you specifically because of not pledging? If there is no proof, then you are also assuming things without being up front, and judging them without cause.

If there is no proof (such as you have not asked them directly and specifically and they answer to the affirmative), then maybe give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they have a lot going on that is causing them stress, such as financial stress due to their own falling short in finances, as is often the case in small churches.

And how do you know they are actually ignoring you? Have they physically turned away from you when you step in front of them to say hello, or do you think they are ignoring you because they never called to see how your trip went? And no, pastors are not responsible to call you and see how your trip went or that you are okay. Never wait for someone else to take the initiative when you can take it yourself... maybe they are waiting for you to decide when to talk about it, or to find out how they are managing....

Pastors are not an endless wellspring of support, outreach and knowing what's going on with everything from finances to the nuances of congregants' personal and professional lives. In fact, most pastors do not get enough support from the congregants, and end up having nothing left to give....

One thing the Bible makes clear: If you know your brother has something against you, it is up to you to go and reconcile. And if you have something against your brother, it is also up to you to go reconcile. Either way, the Bible is telling you to take the initiative to reconcile... that's emulating Christ.

I am sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience happen to me. I started at this church when it was only a couple months old. we met at an elementary school. After about a year we moved to a larger middle school. I was a Lay shepherd basically a Deacon, I was also a small group leader doing Bible studies, My wife and I were also involved in teaching Sunday School, and I started and ran the tape ministry ( copy of sermon tapes using a multiple tape duplicator ) and I also was a leader of the Calvin Cadets ( Kind of like Boy Scouts without the ex marine drill instructor Leader ). Anyway one day my pastor called me to his office ( by the way we were looking to buy a building in the near future ) he asks me if I'm tithing 10% ? Now personally I didn't think it was any of his business, but since we had been friends for eight years, I said that we tithed whatever the Lord put on our hearts, sometimes it was 10% sometimes more sometimes less. He said that if I could not commit to tithing 10% I was going to have to step down from leadership. I did one better I resigned my leadership and my membership in the church.
I was never mad at God or anything, but it took me along time to trust a church again. I did learn the importance of fellowship, because without it everything else starts to slide like your Prayer life Bible studying.
about 8 years ago I found another church that was just starting up, I am a humble servant there I make the coffee every Sunday and Usher. in June on Fathers day I was ordained as a Deacon. I have also been going to Christian Leaders Institute working on my Diploma in Divinity, and through the alliance I ordained as a Deacon Minister. The Lord is good and has blessed me richly.
I would suggest before you make any major decision pray and fast on it. Pastors are men like us and can be tempted. unfortunately some pastors start worrying about the bottom line of the church and not the health of the body of believers. I will keep you in my prayers.

Jimdubu said:

I am sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience happen to me. I started at this church when it was only a couple months old. we met at an elementary school. After about a year we moved to a larger middle school. I was a Lay shepherd basically a Deacon, I was also a small group leader doing Bible studies, My wife and I were also involved in teaching Sunday School, and I started and ran the tape ministry ( copy of sermon tapes using a multiple tape duplicator ) and I also was a leader of the Calvin Cadets ( Kind of like Boy Scouts without the ex marine drill instructor Leader ). Anyway one day my pastor called me to his office ( by the way we were looking to buy a building in the near future ) he asks me if I'm tithing 10% ? Now personally I didn't think it was any of his business, but since we had been friends for eight years, I said that we tithed whatever the Lord put on our hearts, sometimes it was 10% sometimes more sometimes less. He said that if I could not commit to tithing 10% I was going to have to step down from leadership. I did one better I resigned my leadership and my membership in the church.
I was never mad at God or anything, but it took me along time to trust a church again. I did learn the importance of fellowship, because without it everything else starts to slide like your Prayer life Bible studying.
about 8 years ago I found another church that was just starting up, I am a humble servant there I make the coffee every Sunday and Usher. in June on Fathers day I was ordained as a Deacon. I have also been going to Christian Leaders Institute working on my Diploma in Divinity, and through the alliance I ordained as a Deacon Minister. The Lord is good and has blessed me richly.
I would suggest before you make any major decision pray and fast on it. Pastors are men like us and can be tempted. unfortunately some pastors start worrying about the bottom line of the church and not the health of the body of believers. I will keep you in my prayers.

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What an awesome post. I agree totally.

ValleyGal said:

What proof is there that they are ignoring you specifically because of not pledging? If there is no proof, then you are also assuming things without being up front, and judging them without cause.

If there is no proof (such as you have not asked them directly and specifically and they answer to the affirmative), then maybe give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they have a lot going on that is causing them stress, such as financial stress due to their own falling short in finances, as is often the case in small churches.

And how do you know they are actually ignoring you? Have they physically turned away from you when you step in front of them to say hello, or do you think they are ignoring you because they never called to see how your trip went? And no, pastors are not responsible to call you and see how your trip went or that you are okay. Never wait for someone else to take the initiative when you can take it yourself... maybe they are waiting for you to decide when to talk about it, or to find out how they are managing....

Pastors are not an endless wellspring of support, outreach and knowing what's going on with everything from finances to the nuances of congregants' personal and professional lives. In fact, most pastors do not get enough support from the congregants, and end up having nothing left to give....

One thing the Bible makes clear: If you know your brother has something against you, it is up to you to go and reconcile. And if you have something against your brother, it is also up to you to go reconcile. Either way, the Bible is telling you to take the initiative to reconcile... that's emulating Christ.

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Perhaps we lack sufficient information from his post. Let us give him the benefit of doubt. I think there is a fine line between asking someone to consider various possibilities, and speaking in the way that invalidates his feelings.

O.P., do you have any update for us? I hope all is well.

ValleyGal said:

What proof is there that they are ignoring you specifically because of not pledging? If there is no proof, then you are also assuming things without being up front, and judging them without cause.

If there is no proof (such as you have not asked them directly and specifically and they answer to the affirmative), then maybe give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they have a lot going on that is causing them stress, such as financial stress due to their own falling short in finances, as is often the case in small churches.

And how do you know they are actually ignoring you? Have they physically turned away from you when you step in front of them to say hello, or do you think they are ignoring you because they never called to see how your trip went? And no, pastors are not responsible to call you and see how your trip went or that you are okay. Never wait for someone else to take the initiative when you can take it yourself... maybe they are waiting for you to decide when to talk about it, or to find out how they are managing....

Pastors are not an endless wellspring of support, outreach and knowing what's going on with everything from finances to the nuances of congregants' personal and professional lives. In fact, most pastors do not get enough support from the congregants, and end up having nothing left to give....

One thing the Bible makes clear: If you know your brother has something against you, it is up to you to go and reconcile. And if you have something against your brother, it is also up to you to go reconcile. Either way, the Bible is telling you to take the initiative to reconcile... that's emulating Christ.

Click to expand...

Perhaps we lack sufficient information from the post. Let us give him the benefit of doubt. I think there is a fine line between asking someone to consider various possibilities, and speaking in the way that invalidates his feelings.

O.P., do you have any updates for us? I hope all is well.