Need help getting over an ex

Shiffley

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It started in 2014. We met on FB. I'm a Christian but she wasn't. At that time though, it didn't really bother me since I was still in my late teens. Anyways, It was a long distance relationship (she lived about 3 and a half hours away). The more I talked to her, the more I fell in love with her. She quickly became everything to me. We'd watch movies on Skype, etc etc, the typical of a relationship that's long distance.

The problem with me is I have really bad anxiety and stress easily. The longer we were in a relationship, I started getting jealous and really clingy and started to fear that she wouldn't love me anymore. I knew it was a problem and that caused stress even more because I tried my best to make the feelings stop. The long distance is what really messed me up. There are a lot of details and I could type for hours but to make this part short, I never got to go and see her if anyone was wondering. In 2016, things were going relatively well. But my stress and anxiety got to me in March and she got fed up with it. I'd always right long paragraphs of how much she meant to me all the time and I know she was getting tired of it. I hated it too because there was no reason for it at the amount i was doing it but it came down to again of my fear of losing her. One day in March we got into an argument.

Early that month she said I could come down and see her in the summer. So when I asked her again a little after our argument, she said no. At this point my anxiety and stress was too much to the point where I said I couldn't do this anymore and we broke up. She didn't want to be with me anymore but at the time, I regret saying that and wanted her back. It was in the middle of July and I don't remember what happened but I just broke down and started crying and pleading to God that all I wanted was to have her back. I didn't think it would happen but two weeks later, I wake up to a message on Facebook of her apologizing for the way she acted towards me, as she said some things that she knew would bother me after we broke up. When she messaged me, I couldn't have been happier. I can't now even explain the happiness that she brought me. This was all still in 2016.

We were talking again and she started sending pics of herself (just the face) to me and I felt this weird feeling for about 5 minutes. The only way I can explain it was God telling me that I shouldn't do this. The feeling eventually went away as I did fight it. I forgot to mention, during our breakup, I got a lot closer to God. I instantly went to Him for comfort and it helped me out except for the fact that I feel like my mind is cursed with not being able to stop thinking about her. Ill get more to that at the end. We started dating again, and it lasted until September of 2016. I knew that being with her was wrong because she wasn't a Christian and she wanted nothing to do with it, even when i tried talking to her about it. So during the month and a half longer we were together, I kept feeling this guilt creep up now and again. It got to the point again where the stress and anxiety kicked full notch. And then one day she wasn't answering my messages even though she was there. All the stress, anxiety and guilt manifested into a ball of something I can't explain and I sent her a message saying I couldn't do it anymore with reasoning's, etc.

As I said before, there are a lot of other details that I haven't mentioned because it would be harder to explain via text and we'd be here for a long time. You may have noticed I kept mentioning the year. See the problem is that it's 2019 and I still can't get over her. I think about her everyday. Every single day. Some days are better than others. It's almost like depression. Some days you don't feel as crappy, and others, it's unbearable. This is how it is for me. I love this girl beyond my own comprehension but I just want it to stop. I feel like I'm a psychopath because I can't let her go. There's a part of me that doesn't want to let her go. And it's destroying me. I feel like when sometimes I stray a little far from God, the thoughts of her come back full force than other days when I can deal with it. I don't want her back because she isn't a Christian. But I don't want to let her go because I love her so much. I don't know if this will sound messed up but she is the only thing that still makes me cry if I think about it too deep. Not even my moms death makes me cry. I don't understand it. In my head, I'd obviously love it if she got Saved. I feel like I can't find anyone else because I can't get over her. It has broken my heart so much and it has killed me to type all of this but I need help. It's so hard to do this everyday when everything reminds me of her. I feel like my own mind is screwing me because it won't let me be free from this nightmare. I've never cried more in my life than this. If I saw a picture of her, It would make my stomach hurt and my heart rate increase so It's not just emotional. Just before typing this, I had to use the bathroom because it made my stomach hurt so much. I feel like a lunatic because it's been 3 years and I still can't let her go. I can't and I don't want to but I have to and I need so much help. I can't believe one person could have this affect on me. I just want this pain to stop.
 
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Josephus

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The desire you have for this person could almost be described as idolatry.

More importantly it sounds like you've lost faith in G-d's absolute goodness for your life. That He's sovereign, that everything that happens to you is from G-d, and that everything that happens is for the very best. Even this test you're facing. G-d is bigger than one woman. Than anything.

When we realign our trust in ourselves with that of G-d, and surrender our desires, hopes, dreams, fears, everything, to G-d's sovereign will, and accept our lot in life that we have now as divinely-inspired and planned, down to the smallest of details, then we can begin to see G-d move in amazing ways, more than we ever possibly could have hoped for.

It sounds like the perfect set of circumstances happened. G-d knew you weren't ready for a relationship, and/or with this woman, so he caused every thing that happened to influence the situation to withdraw you from it. To dwell on something you don't have now, is to ignore the goodness that G-d has for you now. That place of absolute trust and faith that He's got everything, and I mean everything, under control. He just gives you a choice to trust Him, and know that, and know that He has you in a place of perfect growth. Anything less in this moment is less than the best G-d knows is for you. Of course your situation could change overnight, or even this hour, or minute. But right now, (and Now is all there is) where G-d has you is the best place for you.

Maybe there are things he wants you work on? I pray G-d would reveal to you what he want you to do in the now, and trust Him for the later. The question we should always ask if we're finding we don't like our lot, is to ask G-d what you need to work on. The lot we find ourselves in, is often the very crucible G-d is using to prepare us to receive the blessing he has for us in the next lot. A test, when passed, becomes a testimony, and often grounds for an even bigger test.

Shalom brother. You're not alone. and G-d truly is doing for you right now what He knows is truly the best for you. Being happy with your current lot in life is the key to success in life, no matter when that lot changes. But know that if you're destined to be married someday, it will happen in G-d's good and perfect timing. You don't even have to look for it. Thank G-d that you're single. That's advice, not a platitude. There's an incredible blessing in that... and you might just find that when you're finally content being single for the rest of your life... G-d sends you a new test - that of being married to a wife that is perfectly suited to test you in all other areas you couldn't be tested in when you were single... heh. It's works just that way.
 
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SkyWriting

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The desire you have for this person could almost be described as idolatry.

More importantly it sounds like you've lost faith in G-d's absolute goodness for your life. That He's sovereign, that everything that happens to you is from G-d, and that everything that happens is for the very best. Even this test you're facing. G-d is bigger than one woman. Than anything.

When we realign our trust in ourselves with that of G-d, and surrender our desires, hopes, dreams, fears, everything, to G-d's sovereign will, and accept our lot in life that we have now as divinely-inspired and planned, down to the smallest of details, then we can begin to see G-d move in amazing ways, more than we ever possibly could have hoped for.

It sounds like the perfect set of circumstances happened. G-d knew you weren't ready for a relationship, and/or with this woman, so he caused every thing that happened to influence the situation to withdraw you from it. To dwell on something you don't have now, is to ignore the goodness that G-d has for you now. That place of absolute trust and faith that He's got everything, and I mean everything, under control. He just gives you a choice to trust Him, and know that, and know that He has you in a place of perfect growth. Anything less in this moment is less than the best G-d knows is for you. Of course your situation could change overnight, or even this hour, or minute. But right now, (and Now is all there is) where G-d has you is the best place for you.

Maybe there are things he wants you work on? I pray G-d would reveal to you what he want you to do in the now, and trust Him for the later. The question we should always ask if we're finding we don't like our lot, is to ask G-d what you need to work on. The lot we find ourselves in, is often the very crucible G-d is using to prepare us to receive the blessing he has for us in the next lot. A test, when passed, becomes a testimony, and often grounds for an even bigger test.

Shalom brother. You're not alone. and G-d truly is doing for you right now what He knows is truly the best for you. Being happy with your current lot in life is the key to success in life, no matter when that lot changes. But know that if you're destined to be married someday, it will happen in G-d's good and perfect timing. You don't even have to look for it. Thank G-d that you're single. That's advice, not a platitude. There's an incredible blessing in that... and you might just find that when you're finally content being single for the rest of your life... G-d sends you a new test - that of being married to a wife that is perfectly suited to test you in all other areas you couldn't be tested in when you were single... heh. It's works just that way.


I think you had a breakthrough insight!

The problem with online interactions is they allow for creating idols. A person can project the "ideal" self and imagine the "ideal" person on the other end who is devoted to them. What you never see is all the "baggage" that a real person has that is the actual world that surround that person. They may have multiple relationships, but online, you might only see the dedication they have for one person, you. And you think that is reality.

I've been trying to figure out the weirdness of online romances for decades, but I think you nailed it. I recognised the problem very early after two online romances but couldn't put my finger on why they can fail so explosively.
 
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SkyWriting

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It started in 2014. We met on FB. I'm a Christian but she wasn't.

This identifies the problem. Online you can overlook reality, and in reality, she was never a good fit for you.

The solution for a "bad" habit is to replace it with a habit of your own choosing. This can even be a hobby rather than another relationship. Whatever you want. Work hard at forming a better habit.

An excellent book -
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life
 
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Anthony2019

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When a door closes, then somewhere, somehow a window will open up for you.

You will see the new chapter of your life that God is calling you to - a chapter of new possibilities and challenges, of new hopes and dreams.

"For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
 
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Josephus

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I think you had a breakthrough insight!

The problem with online interactions is they allow for creating idols. A person can project the "ideal" self and imagine the "ideal" person on the other end who is devoted to them. What you never see is all the "baggage" that a real person has that is the actual world that surround that person. They may have multiple relationships, but online, you might only see the dedication they have for one person, you. And you think that is reality.

I've been trying to figure out the weirdness of online romances for decades, but I think you nailed it. I recognised the problem very early after two online romances but couldn't put my finger on why they can fail so explosively.

G-d is always a better matchmaker. He can sees clearly a lot more than we can. This is why we can trust Him. This trust causes us to grow, and allows us to receive the abundant blessing He has for us that we otherwise could not have previously contained.
 
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Shiffley

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Thank you every body for the replies, it has meant a lot to me. I never thought that idolatry would be the reason but it is. I wasn't looking for a relationship, especially a long distance one but she came to me and it happened. And I came to idolize her without thinking about it because of the online part. It has caused me pain beyond belief but I need to read God's word more and start going to church again. I've been coping the wrong way with this for years now and I know it wasn't going to help long term but I kept doing it anyway. I need to do what God wants me to do instead of what my flesh tells me. No matter how hard it is, I need to change or else I'll continue to torture myself
 
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