Thank you. This sounds so much like what I’m going through. I have the same issues with attending church. Any little thing I blow it out proportion in my mind and think everyone is working against me. I actually fell away from God for the last few years and I convinced myself God hated me and only recently been able to get back on track and accept his love. I struggle now attending church, along with any place with a group situation. I’m glad there people who understand.i know very much what you mean. i've been in that horrible pit, plenty of times, its a awful place, the worst beside hell i reckon.
There is a way out though and that is by using mindfulness the biblical way. In the bible it is written that we harvest what we sow. Now depression tricks us into believing/sowing lies about God, ourselves and others. Hurtful lies that bring misery.
For example when i was at my worst i didn't believe God loved me but that He hated me. That were the thoughts i cultivated into my heart and mind and that is what i believed feeling terrible that God had destined me to burn in hell. i believed i wasn't loveable, friends had forsaken me, people at Church more often than not judged me instead of supported me - or so i thought. i saw myself as useless, a burden, someone to dislike and do away with.
All of that began to change when i realised that i had been sowing negativities into my heart and mind for many years and that this was the biggest reason my depression was so bad. So i began to sow faith, love, kindness, gentleness, kindness, thankfulness and joy into my heart. I prayed for such times and asked God to rebuild me into someone who could suffer from a depressive illness without having to be suicidal all the time.
He did. In less than 4 years i left the pit behind and my suicidal ideation had disappeared. Sure i still suffer from depression but God's good life is so much better at fighting the lies of depression.
i found that faith in God's love brought me hope again and that my hope in God is never a disappointment. Using God's word as my weapon i fight the lies of depression. It is amazing how much better the truth of God deals with a depressive mind than a low self esteem hurt by people.
So yes there is hope for you as well. Fighting the lies of depression and cultivating good life can lift you out of this horrible pit you are in now. For one thing stands out we can't believe our depressive feelings to tell us the truth, they hurt us so! God's truth brings love and thankfulness alive even in a depressed heart.
Be of very good courage.
To God's Depressed Child,
To think less of yourself then God's own
Brings you much pain and suffering.
Your worth is an incredible high price
Also for you did Jesus die on the cross.
Depression is also what devil's lies brings inside
letting a low-self-esteem your good life rob
Untruths roaming freely through heart and mind
Evil lies extinguishing all happiness and fun.
His loving truth brings you His good life
While to believe lies brings pain and grief
So hold onto the promises Jesus made to you
and don't let Satan your good life squander.
Take hold of God's precious loving truth.
A life in Him stays safe from lies that hurt.
Jesus' truth will comfort your bleeding heart
Lovingly remaking your fallen life anew.
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