I really don't know if I am saved and what is going on on the inside of me. When I was in my primary school. I didn't feel too great about my life and I often felt depressed. Then I read a book called your best life now(author-Joel Osteen). It really showed me the goodness of God and the value he gives to us. One day in my Grandma's house, I whispered a prayer of repentence. I had a great feeling after that. I can't really explain it but from then, I knew I was saved. I went on enjoying my life more than I did before. But then in 2017, I had a girlfriend and I wanted that relationship to be committed to God. But I was naive(also we were too young for this). When our relationship was on it's down fall, I declared God's restorance. So basically, things were pretty worse for me. She had this other guy she was always going to,even though we were really close, and I had to do nothing and just trust in God. In the end, we broke up at the end of the year and I changed. I don't feel like myself anymore. I wanted to play a lot of video games and watch inappropriate content to release all the stress(yes I have an addiction to inappropriate content). And to make things weirder, I wasn't even sad. I trusted in God that if she left me, then she's not the one for me. After the breakup, I couldn't feel God anymore. So throughout 2018,, I was searching for God. I felt as though I have sinned too greatly or gone too far. But after a lot of internet article reading on these topics, everything didn't made sense. In the end, my conclusion is, I was never saved. If I really loved God, I would do what he commands, spend time with him everyday, and pray. But I barely do those things(even though I've been trying). Also I watch inappropriate content and I am still at it. My friends all watched inappropriate content before but I think I am the one who watches more than them. Also, they're the rowdy type and I'm like the quite type(not really before the breakup incident). So when they ask me about inappropriate content, I wouldn't say much but infact, I almost know as much as they do so I turn out to be a hypocrite. Also my wickedness began to rise in me. I feel uncomfortable standing and talking to someone sometimes. When I talk to someone, I feel an evil desire to suddenly lunge my arm at them(even when they did nothing wrong to me) I completely have NO intention of doing so and I never will. Also, I don't know if I have a true heart for my friend's, my family, or anyone. When my friend's need something, I give it but not whole heartedly. For if there's no love, it is nothing. I feel passionless and not excited anymore. When my friends are all cool with socializing, deep down, I would feel bad about myself. I do socialize. But just not as well as my friends. I never used to be like this. I feel worried that I may not go to heaven on the day itself. I want to know if I am really saved. Somebody please reply to me on this. I really need help.