Depression for me right now is so real. I have been thinking about hurting myself off and on for the last two weeks. I sit and cry every single day, alone. I have no support and feel so alone. I really just want to end it. It seems like everywhere I go no one likes me. I feel so rejected by most people. I pray and pray and still hurt. I will try and reach out to someone and no one wants to talk to me. They do not care.
I've been there. On more than one occasion I was so depressed and lonely I was actually searching my house for something sharp to cut my arm with. Just a way to let out all the anger and grief that was pent up inside... For some reason it never happened, and I thank God it didn't.
In the past, I would start throwing things in the trash that I actually loved or had good memories associated with them. It just all seemed artificial. Like that special gift a friend gave me (a friend who no longer stayed in touch and didn't even seem to remember I existed) had changed form being a treasured gift to a source of mockery - reminding me continually of disloyalty and self-centeredness. So I'd grab that thing of my shelf and throw it in the garbage, which would give a temporary sense of revenge. Yet, a day or two later I would sorely regret it as it was the only thing I had to remember that person by and, in reality, they were a very caring person and life just pulled us apart for some reason.
When I was in college, the week before I graduated I knew I was about to be separated from a lot of people I loved. It had become my home and my fellow students were like family. Yet, having chosen to forego social media, I knew I'd very likely never hear from most of them again the moment I was handed my diploma... And that hurt deeply. So I began going through my whole dorm room throwing all kinds of things away - throwing school supplies at the floor and smashing them, throwing out favorite clothing, tearing up photos of friends, ripping the posters off my walls and crumpling them... It wasn't good. It was actually a sinful way to act and I let my anger get the best of me very badly. I still miss my track jacket... I haven't seen another like it yet.
Anyway, all this to say I do understand how you feel. Depression is a tricky and confusing thing. It isn't all about self-centerdness because even when you're out helping others you can still feel alone and abandoned. Some of my loneliest moments as a teenager were helping make shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child while in youth group. Somehow, all the youth ended up in the pastor's office watching a movie. Except me. Apparently I was too intent on picking out a teddy bear for my box or something...
Suddenly I realized the room was empty. Just me and a pile of unfinished boxes and a table full of toys. Even the youth pastor was gone. I felt so rejected, I just found my parents and asked to go home.
Again, while in college, I was out with a group of people in the city. We were all good companions - a mix of guys and girls. We went ice skating together (in the rain!) which was some great memories and then got back on a train to return to campus. While on the train my mind was wandering and I was completely oblivious that we had reached our stop and everyone else was getting off. Just as the doors were closing I realized and ran over, but it was too late. I watched my friends all walking away down the platform as the train pulled out of the station. Not one of them noticed I was missing. I got off at the next stop, sat there for about an hour waiting for the next train and then finally got back to campus. I walked into my dorm room and my roommate, who was part of our group, asked if I was at the library.
That kind of hurt. But the fact that no one
girl noticed I was missing either, might have hurt even more.
Well, I feel like I'm being more depressing than anything! Hahaha So... the point.
There are times like this in life when it seems like you could die and no one would even notice (that's a lie straight from Satan, by the way). And then there are times where you feel overwhelmed by the love and concern of others. You suddenly make a great friend who truly takes an interest in you and cares about your well-being and you enjoy that while it lasts. The relationship may not last forever, but if God could answer that prayer once He can certainly do it again.
Instead of letting your depression overwhelm you, consider the fact that it may be Satan's goal that you do end your life because He knows God will use you in amazing ways! Satan doesn't want that. Don't let him have his way. Cling to God and His promise to never leave us or forsake us and have faith that He will use your struggles for His glory.
For myself, I resorted to writing music to express my pain. Some of that music has touched others deeply and been a tool of healing in God's hands.
Don't give up! There's more to see.