Relationship Advice

Aug 1, 2010
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I'd like honest opinions on if Im being overly sensitive.

Im a 31 year old white male, my girlfriend is a 25 year old black woman.

A few months ago my girlfriends older sister asked me if any of my ancestors were slave owners. I was extremely offended by this. Im at a restaurant when this happened with my girlfriend, her two sisters, her nephew and her cousin. I'm the only one there that is white, i have defended blacks my whole life and i hate to even say black or white, i prefer to not pay attention to race and treat everybody as humans, children of God.

So this situations come back up a few times with us. My girfriend feels like it was a necessary question to ask, her mom feels I'm overreacting.

At this point I've forgiven my girlfriends sister but I'm irritated that my girlfriend still thinks it was a necessary question. Im worried about cultural clashes moving forwards

I come from a middle class family, she wasn't raised in the nicest environment and i understand there's inequalities but she seems paranoid of white's even after almost 2 years of dating. I understand why and it bothers me how the system is, but it puts quite a strain on me being white with white family members. I also wish there was a way i didnt have to keep saying white and black, if it was up to me we would all fly the same flag as humans and children of God.
 

zephcom

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I'd like honest opinions on if Im being overly sensitive.

Im a 31 year old white male, my girlfriend is a 25 year old black woman.

A few months ago my girlfriends older sister asked me if any of my ancestors were slave owners. I was extremely offended by this. Im at a restaurant when this happened with my girlfriend, her two sisters, her nephew and her cousin. I'm the only one there that is white, i have defended blacks my whole life and i hate to even say black or white, i prefer to not pay attention to race and treat everybody as humans, children of God.

So this situations come back up a few times with us. My girfriend feels like it was a necessary question to ask, her mom feels I'm overreacting.

At this point I've forgiven my girlfriends sister but I'm irritated that my girlfriend still thinks it was a necessary question. Im worried about cultural clashes moving forwards

I come from a middle class family, she wasn't raised in the nicest environment and i understand there's inequalities but she seems paranoid of white's even after almost 2 years of dating. I understand why and it bothers me how the system is, but it puts quite a strain on me being white with white family members. I also wish there was a way i didnt have to keep saying white and black, if it was up to me we would all fly the same flag as humans and children of God.

Answer the question as honestly as you can. If you know the answer is yes, tell them. If the answer is you don't know, offer to help them work through your genealogy.

Slave ownership is not a matter of DNA. It is a matter of culture and legality. Being open and honest is the only way to have a relationship.
 
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Answer the question as honestly as you can. If you know the answer is yes, tell them. If the answer is you don't know, offer to help them work through your genealogy.

Slave ownership is not a matter of DNA. It is a matter of culture and legality. Being open and honest is the only way to have a relationship.
I have no desire to find out, what difference does it make in the present day? What my ancestors did have nothing to do with me.

I don't see why its important, my girlfriend is dating me...not my ancestors. I agree that being open and honest is the only way to have a relationship. I just see no benefits in reliving history
 
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zephcom

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I have no desire to find out, what difference does it make in the present day? What my ancestors did have nothing to do with me.

I don't see why its important, my girlfriend is dating me...not my ancestors. I agree that being open and honest is the only way to have a relationship. I just see no benefits in reliving history

This isn't about you. It is about your girlfriend and her family.

If you are serious about the girl, then it becomes important to you because it is important to her. That is the way good relationships work.
 
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sfs

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I also wish there was a way i didnt have to keep saying white and black, if it was up to me we would all fly the same flag as humans and children of God.
It's not up to you, though. In my limited experience, people who express this kind of sentiment are generally white, while African Americans don't feel like race-blindness is a real option for them. Perhaps you should be concentrating on how your girlfriend sees the world rather than on how you see it. Have some real conversations with her. Why does she think that was a necessary question? What difference would the answer make? I suspect this relationship will take some real work and some real willingness to hear each other since you're coming from such different places.
 
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Sparagmos

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I have no desire to find out, what difference does it make in the present day? What my ancestors did have nothing to do with me.

I don't see why its important, my girlfriend is dating me...not my ancestors. I agree that being open and honest is the only way to have a relationship. I just see no benefits in reliving history
This is a learning opportunity. Since wealth, success, and opportunity are largely dependent on the status we are born into, it can help us understand white privileged when we look back at the ill-begotten gains of our ancestors. Black people are more likely to be poor today because their ancestors were slaves. White people today are still benefitting from our ancestor’s wealth and privilege. I have an ancestor who ran a huge slave trade in barbados. His wealth was stolen from black people and that wealth allowed his sons to be educated and own property. That success in turn made it easier for my father’s grandfather to get an education and own property. Of course I am not responsible for my ancestor’s evil deeds. But I likely have benefitted from them.
 
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SkyWriting

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I'd like honest opinions on if Im being overly sensitive.

Im a 31 year old white male, my girlfriend is a 25 year old black woman.

A few months ago my girlfriends older sister asked me if any of my ancestors were slave owners. I was extremely offended by this. Im at a restaurant when this happened with my girlfriend, her two sisters, her nephew and her cousin. I'm the only one there that is white, i have defended blacks my whole life and i hate to even say black or white, i prefer to not pay attention to race and treat everybody as humans, children of God.

So this situations come back up a few times with us. My girfriend feels like it was a necessary question to ask, her mom feels I'm overreacting.

At this point I've forgiven my girlfriends sister but I'm irritated that my girlfriend still thinks it was a necessary question. Im worried about cultural clashes moving forwards

I come from a middle class family, she wasn't raised in the nicest environment and i understand there's inequalities but she seems paranoid of white's even after almost 2 years of dating. I understand why and it bothers me how the system is, but it puts quite a strain on me being white with white family members. I also wish there was a way i didnt have to keep saying white and black, if it was up to me we would all fly the same flag as humans and children of God.
Just explain what background you know of and say no one in your family has ever supported the idea of having slaves. Likely you can say that.
 
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S.O.J.I.A.

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in what ways have you defended blacks?

as far the question itself, it's not one that I would ask totally by itself without some context of the question being necessary. was there a question that came before it? has she asked you any other questions related to race relations?
 
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thecolorsblend

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I'd like honest opinions on if Im being overly sensitive.

Im a 31 year old white male, my girlfriend is a 25 year old black woman.

A few months ago my girlfriends older sister asked me if any of my ancestors were slave owners. I was extremely offended by this. Im at a restaurant when this happened with my girlfriend, her two sisters, her nephew and her cousin. I'm the only one there that is white, i have defended blacks my whole life and i hate to even say black or white, i prefer to not pay attention to race and treat everybody as humans, children of God.

So this situations come back up a few times with us. My girfriend feels like it was a necessary question to ask, her mom feels I'm overreacting.

At this point I've forgiven my girlfriends sister but I'm irritated that my girlfriend still thinks it was a necessary question. Im worried about cultural clashes moving forwards

I come from a middle class family, she wasn't raised in the nicest environment and i understand there's inequalities but she seems paranoid of white's even after almost 2 years of dating. I understand why and it bothers me how the system is, but it puts quite a strain on me being white with white family members. I also wish there was a way i didnt have to keep saying white and black, if it was up to me we would all fly the same flag as humans and children of God.
A mixed-race relationship will always have certain challenges to it. Friends of mine have mentioned this same thing with dating outside their race.

My hunch is that your girlfriend's interest in this aspect of your background isn't likely to change any time soon. Even though you may not regard slave-ownership as a relevant topic in today's world, a lot of black people believe it's highly important.

Since elaborating beyond that point is guaranteed to offend somebody or other, I'll simply say that I wish the both of you the best of luck.
 
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