Endeavourer
Well-Known Member
- Aug 30, 2017
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That's because it benefits him. Of course he doesn't.
A prenup puts you in the position of needing to think like a mamma griz right now for the sake of having equal play for your children in the future. It's a dangerous scenario for you to negotiate because you are negotiating blindly. You have no idea what you'll need in order to be able to afford at least 50% of the children's time, or how many children there will be, or what size house or apartment would be adequate. Or, where their school district will be and what the cost of property is in that district.
Further, if the marital assets are not sufficient to allow you to both have 50% time with the children, then as a father, he very much should dig into his other assets to the extent necessary in order to support his children. I'm not encouraging you to demand an unreasonable standard of living out of his premarital assets, but don't let them be off the table such that you give away a future with your children. If he is going to have children, he'll need to man up to do what's best for them.
[My gender references are only to fit THIS situation. If the woman had the premarital assets, then I would still say the same thing with opposite genders. Children need both a father and a mother. If you have children then whatever means you have need to ensure the children have what they need. If there is excess, then you should be able to keep premarital excesses...but how would anyone know premaritally where that line would be? Or how many marital assets there will be, so how many premarital assets won't be needed?]
Right now you are negotiating from a place of love (addiction) to your boyfriend and for the unknown, so this is the moment he will get his very best deal when pre-negotiating a divorce.
This disrespect of your intellect is concerning to me. You've mentioned it a few times. Do you feel his intellectual equal? Does he feel you are his intellectual equal? If either answer is no, you will likely have a rough life ahead of you in this marriage.
Here is a great link describing disrespect between partners:
Love Busters - Disrespectful Judgments (Marriage Builders®, Inc.)
Here is a short quote from the article:
In the final analysis, disrespectful judgments represent an effort to force our spouses to give us what we want in marriage, but it's often cleverly disguised. Instead of making an outright demand, we present our problem as if it were really our spouse's personal shortcoming. We try to "straighten out" our spouse in an effort to get our way.
At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouses a big favor, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls-and we would also get what we want [like when he tells you he should get his way because you are being emotional and he is being rational].
A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other.
In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right — even the responsibility — to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.
At the time we rationalize our disrespect by convincing ourselves that we're doing our spouses a big favor, to lift them from the darkness of their confusion into the light of our superior perspective. If they would only follow our advice, we tell ourselves, they could avoid many of life's pitfalls-and we would also get what we want [like when he tells you he should get his way because you are being emotional and he is being rational].
A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other.
In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right — even the responsibility — to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.
Overall, this issue is a power play. He who has the gold makes the rules. It seems he will not view marital assets as being your joint gold with equal play, equal say. His demand for unequal power will imbalance your relationship like a cancer. If you need to work through any issues in this marriage, you'll feel captivated and controlled, and always have less than a full vote. This will cause you to cave and sacrifice under his power over you. It will eventually cause you much sorrow and despair.
After three years he has not proposed. This is a very long time, and signals a lack of intent to commit on his part. If you have been sexually active then I sense he is a freeloader, or at best a renter in this relationship while you are a buyer. The emotional bond formed during sexual intimacy for women generally turn them into buyers, but not always for men (there are always exceptions, I'm just speaking generally). But I'm sensing this pattern in your relationship because there are some "tells" in some of the things you have said.
If you have not been sexually active during this long relationship, then I question how you two could last for three years, i.e. if the chemistry is really there between you, or if you have simply fallen into a rut where staying in the relationship is more comfortable than not.
If it were me and if I had the same experience in life that I have now, I'd call his bluff and, if necessary, walk. If you walk, it will take 2 to 3 weeks to clear your head and start to feel slightly less devastated. After that you'll be able to think clearer and see things in a more neutral, objective perspective. Women who are in abusive relationships start to see the abusive behavior more objectively after about 2 or 3 weeks. Before that time they are just achingly sad and can't see anything straight.
See if he comes after you. If he doesn't, then you have escaped an imbalanced and difficult future. If he does, then let him know that the power imbalance is unappealing to you and you are expecting an equal voice and equal intellectual respect in the relationship.
Emotions are not a bad thing; they are often God's way to warn you of danger or harm. Listen to them. Don't believe anyone who ever tells you that you should listen to them (and their nefarious plans for you) instead of your own instincts. If you marry someone who thinks that way it will get old REAL fast. Don't get yourself into that trap.
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