Hello I am new to this website and created this account today. Sorry if I posted this on the wrong thread, but I just have to get this off of my chest I can't find it anywhere on the internet. Basically I am a American muslim, well former muslim. I tried my best to be the most educated and dedicated muslim. I did all the prayers on time, fasted two times each month, recited Quran daily, and very well educated in Islam and Islamic history. Despite all this there were unanswered questions and I never really felt a connection. I always felt interested in Christianity, despite how much I would try to convince myself it is a false religion. I would read christian novels, research christian history, and I would always look and check out the books on Christianity in the library. I remember the one and only time I was in a church my eyes were fixed on this mosaic of Jesus. I felt more disconnected with Islam I tried Quran-only, but there was too much conflict within the community on basic stuff lie prayer or hajj. Not to mention many of them believed in flat earth. One night when I was reading Surah 19, I asked myself, "What is a messiah?" The Quran and hadith make no requirement for the messiah, Jesus is just the messiah. A messiah is supposed to be a saviour, yet Jesus didn't save the Children of Israel from anything. That is like if I wanna be President, but there are no requirements to be President. More and more questions began to appear. "If Muhammad is the last prophet, why will Jesus come back? Why would Allah allow Christians to worship Jesus for 600 years? Why is Dajjal often referred to as the Anti-Christ and why is Jesus the only one capable of killing him? Why would the followers of Jesus immediately worship him after his death? Why would Jesus abandon his followers like a coward?" When I started to examine the scriptures, Jesus is ironically God. 4:171 states that Jesus is a Messenger of Allah(Son), had His Word(Father), and had the spirit(Holy Spirit). Or how in Sahih Muslim book 1 hadith 296 it states Jesus will come down as a "just judge." Who else can be a judge, but God? I can go on and on, but it will take too long. There was too much about Islam that contradicted itself like how idolatry is a sin, yet muslims bow down 5 times a day to the Kaaba, kiss the Blackstone, and circle it 7 times. The fact that in 5:116 and 9:30 it states Trinity is father, son, and mother(Mary) and that Jews believe Ezra is the son of God(even though Muhammad took an oath on the torah Sunan Abi Dawud book 40 hadith 96). Most muslims woud hate to admit this, but Muhammad is heavily idolized in Islam. Allah and Muhammad himself admit that he is a sinner,(47:19 and Sahih Bukhari book 97 hadith 15) but most muslims, specifically sunnis, believe he was sinless and do whatever he does, even if it goes against the Quran. Lastly the Quran/hadiths admits Muhammad is a false prophet. 69:44-46 states if Muhammad made a false saying his aorta would have been cut and in Sahih Bukhari book 64 hadith 450 Muhammad states that he feels that his aorta is being cut. Anyways back to christianity, it took me months to realize that christianity is the religion. The accuracy and reliable of the New Testament, life and divinity of Jesus, sudden conversion of the apostles, the apostles being executed, persecution of early christians, and biggest one, the resurrection. I am currently reading the New Testament and Jesus crucifixion(in all the gospels)and Paul's conversion made me cry, something the Quran never made me do. I can't stop thinking about Jesus, sometimes tears come down from my eyes for the sacrifice he did for me. His name and story makes me smile and feel good inside. I want to accept Jesus, but I can't. I committed many horrible sins in the past including insults/blasphemy against christians and christainity. I will loose my whole family. I can't really go back to my homeland, even though I really want to. I always wanted to move back, but if I convert it will be harder for me over there. Overall just the challenges and guilt I have, it's too hard. I keep telling myself after I finish the New Testament, but I also say I should just confess now. Even if I convert what am I gonna do? I can't go to church, I can't get baptized, I can't do anything on Sunday, and I can't talk to anyone about Jesus. How am I suppose to build a stronger relation with God apart from reading the Bible? My grades are going down and for some reason I am experiencing jealously because of it. I even have an assignment I have to do now. That is all I have to say, sorry that this thread is too long I just had to put this out there.