Struggling in Death and Life

Situations in China and America are very different so I'm not sure how to advise. Let me say that sometimes depression is something a person is born with. But probably it most often comes from how we are raised and how people treat us. My parents didn't spend much time with us. My father didn't feel loved by his mother and his father died when he was very young. He always criticized us. My mother preferred to be busy either working, cleaning house, or watching TV. My mother didn't feel loved by her mother and definitely didn't know how to make friends or raise children. She divorced 2 husbands and left the third husband and moved away so that he couldn't find her. All of her six children suffer from depression.

Everyone needs a friend. And one thing that helps is to be kind to others; be helpful to people. Exercise also helps. Enjoy the outdoors sometimes. Jesus paid for our sins and He doesn't want us to be continually sad. If you have a Bible read Psalm 23 and other Psalms.

I hope you feel better soon. I will be praying for you.

Yusuphhai said:

If God still loves me, why could not I feel?

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You have a longing in your heart for Christ, for all good and love, even if you can't feel the way you'd like to. Surely that is enough. Christ won't turn anyone away who comes to Him. Remember, He came for the sinners, and God loved the world (people) even before Christ came. Love is deep in His nature. Do you think a good father here on earth would kick their child out of the house if he/she were confused and didn't always know what to do or think? No, even people here on earth can be good enough to be patient and raise their children, even if some aren't. But if people can love their children in good ways, would God love them any less? Christ talked about this too, how we, who are evil, can give good gifts to our children, and how much more God cares for us.

Christ is your rock. It's good to remember that He is your rock, especially when we're in a desperate situation where we need something immovable in the midst of our confusion. We don't always even know what we're doing, thinking or feeling. And sometimes when we get on that Christ-rock, we don't even know what to do with it. But the rock itself is enough. We can lean against it, rest on top of it. He is a strong foundation, we are not. Sometimes we can only see the strength of His rock when we don't have any strength of our own. When we don't see the good things in our own life, love and faith, we can look at Christ and see that everything good is in Him, and comes through Him also. He will put the yearning of all good things in us, which He was done to you, and He will enable us to love. We can trust His power in this more than our own.

I've come to really like this part of the Bible (1 Corinthians 13):

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

How wonderful is that? Love is greater than even the strongest faith that can move mountains, greater than all prophecies and knowledge. We don't have to know everything. We don't have to travel all the labyrinths of complex doctrines. God never despised simple people, and Christ walked with disciples who didn't even have a clue of what He was for the most time. Makes me laugh how Jesus had to continuously explain things to them because they were just so dense. And many of us are very dense here, right now. I'm one of the densest and most thick-headed people I know. Most of the time I don't understand most things, and I'm often unsure about my faith or my reasoning and my inner life, but that's where God comes along, and whenever it's with pure love, it's the most effective and easily understood. Love goes beyond reasoning, and God knows how we "only see a reflection as in a mirror", and our knowledge isn't complete. God is love, He loves you because that is His nature, and He will enable you do to His will (which is also love, Christ's commandments were love). From love comes the desire and ability to love. Love begets love and love never fails. Don't worry brother. Said a prayer for you.

Dear suffering brother, i see your pain, i know the place you must be, horrid place to be, i anguished my faith in God and the meaning of it all, like you do now. The lies of satan are so very cruel they pierce the soul. Yet it is the truth that you are after.

Jesus dying on the Cross means so many things that it is impossible to mention all of that in one post. To me it means first and foremost Jesus paying the price that i deserve to pay. Punishment and death for loosing my good life and ending up destitute along the side of the life's road a mere beggar while God gave me good life to start of with.

But the cross also means to me that Jesus tells us the truth of sin. Both the righteous and the unrighteous forsake and crucify the Son of God. Just like we do to The Father when we kill our truth in our hearts, for God is The Truth and we are His offspring. That is why believing lies is so bad it makes us sin and so we kill God's presence in our hearts. Jesus was right when He said when you see Me then you see The Father especially when He hang on the Cross. On the Cross Jesus tasted the suffering of The Father's death in all of us. (So thankful He did!)

See God's love dear brother that He made the way open for you to be received in son ship again. Son ship with the Almighty. Christ was forsaken by the Father so we never need to be forsaken by Him and He arose from the death to show us that we will arise as well.

So now your depression has made you doubt God and His love and question the way of the cross. However it is through suffering that Jesus was made perfect. Also in your life God's work goes on. Much good life has died in you dear brother, satan has been plundering and been busy stealing. The questions that made you doubt God's love for you have taken all your joy and hope away.

i know how the accuser does that. He used to do it to me all the time as well. But rock bottom and all destitute the truth of the cross becomes clear, or doesn't it? The lies we hold onto have killed the presence of God in us and we feel godforsaken and alone and so terrible miserable. It is like being in hell.

But the truth is we are STILL children of God. Even rock bottom. We hunger and thirst after righteousness. We doubt God because we suffer so deeply that we cannot do it on our own.

You my dear brother are going through hellish pain because you care! See the lie cannot overcome the truth! Jesus overcame the lie and his clever ploy to steal God's offspring for himself came to naught. You belong to Christ! You are God's offspring. You are wonderful and beautifully made. You are a heir of God's promises.

The Cross means that God in Jesus overcame humanities godforsakeness and the incredible evil that we have become through the works of satan and paved the road for our salvation from our misery.

That is what you want brother the ability to walk away from your misery and find your good life back in and with Jesus. He is the truth of your existence as well. Be of good courage.


i know that you can't watch many video's but maybe this site has not been banned yet i'll post the link. A good sermon for someone with theological questions about suffering.

Life's Toughest Questions: How Can a Good God Allow so Much Pain and Suffering?

Put your faith in Jesus brother. blindly trust Him to get you through. Love on even if you can't feel the emotion any more. Love is so much more than an emotion. Love will get you through. Sow love in your heart brother. please sow lots of love and take good care of yourself. Stop being hard on yourself. You need good care and lots of hugs. Seek The Lord brother and wait for Him.

Praying for you.


The Beggar Of My Existence

Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.

Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
At first I was raped night after night for years,
lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!

Not often have peels been part of my diet,
weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.

Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!

Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
could you spare me some food or money,
a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.

Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
the young wine had refreshed me completely
where did all this come from I wonder?
My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
I remember his lips pronounce the words;

"Shalom... Beloved...

..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
"Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
At home I have some new clean garments your size,
a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."

That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
carrying me along an all together different route,
right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.

A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?

A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
"You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
how lovely he looked standing there,
"and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."

I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!

Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
deep down I knew Life had found me for good.

Yusuphhai said:

Recently I fell into deep depression. God please help me, my spirit nearly crashes. Maybe I am a wrong creation, I have to endure what I can not endure. I misunderstand God’s work. What is the meaning of Jesus’ crucifixion?

33 years of life on wretched earth, 6 hours on the cross, 1 mystery shout “my Father, my Father why do you abandon me?” Does it really mean victory to the world? If I need to preach the gospel, does it mean I need to be crucified with Him together?

The two robbers both were crucified, one on the left, another on the right. That meant all humankind were ruled by death for sins. But the right robber repented and the left did not, that was quite different. The right was crucified(separated) to the world but the left was crucified(separated) to God. Why is my fate like the right robber but not the left? I can not understand God’s Love and Grace.

If God still loves me, why could not I feel? Why do I lose love to God and others? Which is stronger, the pain or victory of Jesus on the cross? Jesus said to the right robber “You will be with me in the paradise today”, that also was said to you and me ? I wish all the pain flies away immediately, but that is not God’s plan. I feel so painful, as if I was crucified on the cross. A test is giving me, “You abandon God and die like the left robber.” I am confused, If I choose the wrong way, I will go to hell. Whatever I choose, my fate is on the painful cross like all mankind. I am especially painful, even no tears to spring out.

Could Jesus’ death and pain be a way to life and victory? I know that is true but I could not trust well. I have been too numb to share love with others. I am a living dead or a dead living? Everyday feel uncomfortable and depressed , sleep too much, lazy to do housework, bad relationship with my parents. I am suicidal but I could not die earlier than my parents.

This is a good rehabilitation room, fortunately I have good friends here. Prayers for me and Chinese church are very appreciated. Many blessings to you.

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Dear brother Yusuphhai,

I cannot compose my thoughts enough right now as the above posters have done. Listen to them please.

Press On said:

Dear brother Yusuphhai,

...We love you. I am in a pit of despair and anguish even as I compose this. But still, I reach out to you to encourage you that God is so much bigger. He sees us and knows all about it. We will get through this. ​

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Yusuphhai said:

I am lack of love to you

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No you aren't. There was plenty of love in what you said, brother. Whether you feel it or not.

Love you too brother. Stay in contact. Jesus likes it when we love and support each other.

Yusuphhai said:

Recently I fell into deep depression. God please help me, my spirit nearly crashes. Maybe I am a wrong creation, I have to endure what I can not endure. I misunderstand God’s work. What is the meaning of Jesus’ crucifixion?

33 years of life on wretched earth, 6 hours on the cross, 1 mystery shout “my Father, my Father why do you abandon me?” Does it really mean victory to the world? If I need to preach the gospel, does it mean I need to be crucified with Him together?

The two robbers both were crucified, one on the left, another on the right. That meant all humankind were ruled by death for sins. But the right robber repented and the left did not, that was quite different. The right was crucified(separated) to the world but the left was crucified(separated) to God. Why is my fate like the right robber but not the left? I can not understand God’s Love and Grace.

If God still loves me, why could not I feel? Why do I lose love to God and others? Which is stronger, the pain or victory of Jesus on the cross? Jesus said to the right robber “You will be with me in the paradise today”, that also was said to you and me ? I wish all the pain flies away immediately, but that is not God’s plan. I feel so painful, as if I was crucified on the cross. A test is giving me, “You abandon God and die like the left robber.” I am confused, If I choose the wrong way, I will go to hell. Whatever I choose, my fate is on the painful cross like all mankind. I am especially painful, even no tears to spring out.

Could Jesus’ death and pain be a way to life and victory? I know that is true but I could not trust well. I have been too numb to share love with others. I am a living dead or a dead living? Everyday feel uncomfortable and depressed , sleep too much, lazy to do housework, bad relationship with my parents. I am suicidal but I could not die earlier than my parents.

This is a good rehabilitation room, fortunately I have good friends here. Prayers for me and Chinese church are very appreciated. Many blessings to you.

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I’m sorry you’re suffering but God bless you for suffering through whatever you’re going through right now. I live in the USA so I can’t fathom what you are going through in China. All those that suffer on behalf of Christ are inspirations.

Jeshu said:

Dear suffering brother, i see your pain, i know the place you must be, horrid place to be, i anguished my faith in God and the meaning of it all, like you do now. The lies of satan are so very cruel they pierce the soul. Yet it is the truth that you are after.

Jesus dying on the Cross means so many things that it is impossible to mention all of that in one post. To me it means first and foremost Jesus paying the price that i deserve to pay. Punishment and death for loosing my good life and ending up destitute along the side of the life's road a mere beggar while God gave me good life to start of with.

But the cross also means to me that Jesus tells us the truth of sin. Both the righteous and the unrighteous forsake and crucify the Son of God. Just like we do to The Father when we kill our truth in our hearts, for God is The Truth and we are His offspring. That is why believing lies is so bad it makes us sin and so we kill God's presence in our hearts. Jesus was right when He said when you see Me then you see The Father especially when He hang on the Cross. On the Cross Jesus tasted the suffering of The Father's death in all of us. (So thankful He did!)

See God's love dear brother that He made the way open for you to be received in son ship again. Son ship with the Almighty. Christ was forsaken by the Father so we never need to be forsaken by Him and He arose from the death to show us that we will arise as well.

So now your depression has made you doubt God and His love and question the way of the cross. However it is through suffering that Jesus was made perfect. Also in your life God's work goes on. Much good life has died in you dear brother, satan has been plundering and been busy stealing. The questions that made you doubt God's love for you have taken all your joy and hope away.

i know how the accuser does that. He used to do it to me all the time as well. But rock bottom and all destitute the truth of the cross becomes clear, or doesn't it? The lies we hold onto have killed the presence of God in us and we feel godforsaken and alone and so terrible miserable. It is like being in hell.

But the truth is we are STILL children of God. Even rock bottom. We hunger and thirst after righteousness. We doubt God because we suffer so deeply that we cannot do it on our own.

You my dear brother are going through hellish pain because you care! See the lie cannot overcome the truth! Jesus overcame the lie and his clever ploy to steal God's offspring for himself came to naught. You belong to Christ! You are God's offspring. You are wonderful and beautifully made. You are a heir of God's promises.

The Cross means that God in Jesus overcame humanities godforsakeness and the incredible evil that we have become through the works of satan and paved the road for our salvation from our misery.

That is what you want brother the ability to walk away from your misery and find your good life back in and with Jesus. He is the truth of your existence as well. Be of good courage.


i know that you can't watch many video's but maybe this site has not been banned yet i'll post the link. A good sermon for someone with theological questions about suffering.

Life's Toughest Questions: How Can a Good God Allow so Much Pain and Suffering?

Put your faith in Jesus brother. blindly trust Him to get you through. Love on even if you can't feel the emotion any more. Love is so much more than an emotion. Love will get you through. Sow love in your heart brother. please sow lots of love and take good care of yourself. Stop being hard on yourself. You need good care and lots of hugs. Seek The Lord brother and wait for Him.

Praying for you.


The Beggar Of My Existence

Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.

Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
At first I was raped night after night for years,
lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!

Not often have peels been part of my diet,
weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.

Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!

Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
could you spare me some food or money,
a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.

Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
the young wine had refreshed me completely
where did all this come from I wonder?
My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
I remember his lips pronounce the words;

"Shalom... Beloved...

..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
"Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
At home I have some new clean garments your size,
a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."

That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
carrying me along an all together different route,
right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.

A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?

A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
"You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
how lovely he looked standing there,
"and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."

I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!

Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
deep down I knew Life had found me for good.

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Superb post

God bless you my friend

Yusuphhai said:

My suffering is not only mine, your suffering is not only yours, our suffering is His. Without His suffering we could not be one Body, we could not be patient and love each other, even enemies. In Adam all become rebellions and death, In Jesus Christ’s Death followers become submission and life.

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Thank you for your profound thoughts on our sufferings, so very true.

God is preparing us a feast! Those who suffered will be much happier at the feast than those who feasted all along. So happy we're invited.

Yusuphhai said:

I feel very low. Need more faith ，hope and love. I can’t do housework to honor my parents. I doubt whether God is so cruel to me. I have fallen into Bipolar more than 20 years, maybe I will be with it all my life. I am 46 years old, I am not sure if I am alive 50 years old. I can’t serve my parents, they are 80 years old. I am afraid I will commit suicide. I am too numb to love. I am in a deep pit, can not see more light. I wish I had never live in this world. Lord please help me go through this dark tunnel. And prayers are very appreciated.

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You will get out of every pit. Remember brother, that love is more than a feeling. When we can't feel, we can act as if we did. The truth in your heart, Christ, will set you free. He does whatever we can't, He always did, and we should cling on to Him in our hearts. Accept your weakness in your current state and do what you can, that is enough. We all need more faith, hope and love, we all do. It feels horrible to actually realize it when we come to the end of ourselves, but there is a blessing with it, because then we can look up to Him who gives all these things and all these things are perfect in Him. So we pick ourselves up in every pit, have hope in Christ, and do what we can. Praying for you brother.

Oh dear brother you are looking at yourself and at your inabilities. You are mentally ill and struggling with very dark forces, you need to have compassion on yourself brother. i'm 59 next month and have struggled with bipolar, psychosis and depression for many years of my life. When i look at all the things i haven't done which i could have done if i hadn't been ill then i get deeply depressed as well. You are ill brother and you are wise to look at the finished work of Christ instead of your own works. The finished work of Christ brings peace and rest, forgiveness and mercy. Looking at Jesus brings us grace.

Please don't toy with the idea of suicide, fight it, don't allow it to be an option, understand that Jesus is Lord of your life and let Him build ability into you.

Drink in the love and grace from God your heavenly Father and see that He doesn't push you to do things you cannot achieve at the moment. Drink in is love brother. The more you take on the love of God the stronger you be fighting depression.

Please be of good courage.



A Way Out Of Depression

How can we have meaning if we don't love?
everything else is but a clinging cymbal,
a sounding gong!
...of no importance in the scheme of things,
a loving faith takes us Home to Him!
He who is love Himself!
Hide in His love!
..and love His children,
and all Creation too!
and find a way out,
of this hell hole we've been in.
His love the way out of depression.

Rom 14:8-9 (YLT)
for both, if we may live, to the Lord we live; if also we may die, to the Lord we die; both then if we may live, also if we may die, we are the Lord's; for because of this Christ both died and rose again, and lived again, that both of dead and of living he may be Lord.

Yusuphhai said:

I feel very low. Need more faith ，hope and love. I can’t do housework to honor my parents. I doubt whether God is so cruel to me. I have fallen into Bipolar more than 20 years, maybe I will be with it all my life. I am 46 years old, I am not sure if I am alive 50 years old. I can’t serve my parents, they are 80 years old. I am afraid I will commit suicide. I am too numb to love. I am in a deep pit, can not see more light. I wish I had never live in this world. Lord please help me go through this dark tunnel. And prayers are very appreciated.

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I’m sorry you’re struggling. Bipolar is a disability so it is understandable that you can’t take care of your parents. Being numb is a very painful lack of feeling state to be in. I think if the intense pain goes away you will feel love again. I know it’s hard to fight thoughts of suicide sometimes, but I hope that you continue to fight the good fight and run the race until the end