I want to ask you some serious questions, and I want you to really think about them, and be willing to give yourself an answer you don't like. and pray about it while you reflect on it, for God to reveal the truth to you. and just know that I ask these not for my benefit or point, but for yours, I wish someone asked me this list a while ago, and that I stopped to give myself a true answer.
have you prayed about it? and, not in an accusatory way at all, I don't know your story. have you ever been filled with the Holy Spirit? either at belief or later? Do you have the blessed assurance of His Holy Spirit living in you, and a difference that you can compare between before you received Him and when you did receive Him? are you living in other sin? does the Bible still speak to you when you read it? and do you feel like this action gets in the way of following God with all of your heart? and do you think that He called you to give it up at some point in time, and you did not want to give it up? you don't have to answer on the forum if you don't want to, but it is good to self reflect. be truthful at least to yourself.
and I am not accusing either, or trying to start an argument brother, just to clarify that again.
I will answer your questions and I will be brutally honest about it.
You are speaking to:
48 year old female; adult child of an alcoholic mother; incest survivor; disabled war veteran; mother of 17 year old developmentally disabled boy with a chronic medical condition (who to my knowledge does not touch - he self identifies as "asexual". He functions probably about the level of a 11 to 12 year old.) As he is right now, he is not capable of living independently. So he will probably live with me for the rest of his, or my life; who ever lives longer; (unless Christ returns before we die). His father is deceased. He committed suicide 2 years ago.
I have been a Christian since I was 17. That is 31 years at this point. I have been in and out of counseling for 35 years. My major mental health issue is PTSD, although I have suffered from depression and have been hospitalized for suicidal intensions (that was 20 years ago). I am not depressed now and have not struggled with suicidal thoughts for about 10 years now.
Having been a victim of sexual abuse; I had 2 things to confront. One was my overwhelming sense of shame. The other was the question of whether or not sex was actually suppose to hurt; seeing how the only experience I'd ever had with the act was both physically and psychologically painful.
So when I was about 18; I embarked upon a quest to try and remedy these issues, because I knew that if I was ever going to have children, I'd have to get past my fear of men. I knew of 2 types of men in my world; ones that hurt me (my brother was the abuser) and ones who were powerless to help me (my dad; who knew what was going on (my mother was part of the perpetuation of the incest problem - she'd continued an incestuous relationship with her own brother well into her marriage), but dad understood well enough back in the 70's that if he filed for divorce he'd never get custody of his daughters.)
I half often half joke that I grew up in the kind of family psychiatrists read about in their text books. Both of my parents have been deceased for more than 10 years.
I started going to Al-Anon meetings at 16 years old, and this was my first introduction to the concept of a "Higher Power" who could (and actually cared enough) to "restore me to sanity". I was an atheist prior to this. I distinctly remember being an atheist. I came to trust God; although I had little understanding of who He was at the time. Then my Al-Anon friend (an older divorced woman) who was taking me to meetings; picked me up for a meeting one summer evening and asked if it was OK that we go to the Billy Graham crusade instead of the meeting. I said: "Sure, why not." I did the "accept Jesus" thing and went down to the field. This sparked my interest in Christianity and shortly after that; I bought a Bible and started reading it.
Several months passed and I came to trust God more and more, even though I didn't really understand a whole lot about Christianity, theologically speaking. I was fascinated by the concept of Jesus the Redeemer. "The power of His word can split the earth and sky, yet mend the lives that sin has torn apart." Sin had most certainly torn my life apart and I knew I desperately needed mending.
So months passed and at about 18 years old, with these issues and questions swimming around in my head related to my extremely dysfunctional family of origin and wondering what sex was really suppose to be; I started to wonder if I was gay because I could not get past this overwhelming sense of fear I had. Well, God stopped me dead in my tracks in a very unconventional way!
One night, I had this really... unusual dream about Jesus.
(And here is why to this day I do not take a whole lot of stock in my dreams. I often find them useful; but do not see them as "Divinely inspired".)
Well, in this dream me and Jesus did stuff that I felt comforted by, secure in and now I really wanted to know what "all this" was really all about.
Yet at that point, I'd read enough Bible to know I did not want to try this with another human being. That would not make God happy. So I tried it on myself. And I realized, this was not suppose to be a hurtful, bad thing.
The next 20 years, I spent studying the Bible as well as science and biology trying to find the truth as to what sexuality was really suppose to be. I'd even felt at one point that I was addicted to masturbation and I even went to sex addicts 12 step groups. It took a long time to realize that I suffered more from PTSD than addiction. And although at 29 years old, I'd gotten married and had my son at 31; there was no safer space I shared with
anyone; than that space I shared with God and it took a long time for me to come to the place of wholly thanking Him for what I was capable of feeling and the fact that I had this space that I could take these needs, desires, feelings to Him in.
And here is how I also know; that just because someone is married; does not mean they are suddenly exempt from not glorifying God with their sexuality. Once our son was born and my husband learned within the next 6 months that he had a developmentally disabled boy, he lost all interest in me and by the time our son was 4; my husband was off pursuing girlfriend #1. Once he got the news from the Early Intervention program that our son was significantly delayed (he was a year old) we never had sex again.
7 years passed. Our son was 8 years old when we were in a nearly fatal car accident. My husband threw myself and our son out of the apartment a year later. He'd broken up with girlfriend #1 at that point and was now pursuing girlfriend #2. 6 years after the physical separation, he filed for divorce in February of 2017; so he could marry girlfriend #2. On March 3, 2017, she broke up with him and he committed suicide that night.
After he died; I attempted to meet potential marriage partners over various Christian internet dating sites. I did this for about a year. I got many interested men; until they found out I have a developmentally disabled son who will be living with me for the rest of either his life or mine.
So it's me, the kid and Jesus - and that's OK. Some people for various life circumstances; can not get married.
So...
"Have you prayed about it".
All the time. It's best when I pray!
"Have you ever been filled with the Holy Spirit?"
His presence is a constant awareness in my life!
"Do you have the blessed assurance of His Holy Spirit living in you, and a difference that you can compare between before you received Him and when you did receive Him?"
Yes, I distinctly remember a time when I was not redeemed. I have always felt the presence of God to be the strongest when I faced the greatest tribulations of my soul; the war, my parents' deaths, the car accident, my husband's death, my son's multiple hospitalizations. I am loved and cared for. I know that. It is humbling and overwhelming. I like feeling humbled and overwhelmed by God's care!
"Are you living in other sin?"
No.
"Does the Bible still speak to you when you read it?"
All the time. In the years I've spent researching the topic of sexuality; I've discovered some fascinating things about Jesus and how He dealt with the issue in His own life.
"Do you feel like this action gets in the way of following God with all of your heart?"
Not at all. The process of exploration and discovery has been a major part of my spiritual journey to really understand what love is and a major part of my healing process. God's love is incredibly profound!
"Do you think that He called you to give it up at some point in time, and you did not want to give it up?"
I was desperate to ignore this aspect of my life. If I could have excised my sexuality from my existence, I would have. I could not give up my intense desire to be close to God. The act itself in many ways I could have cared less about. I wanted to feel normal. I wanted to feel whole and I sought to come to the place where sexuality was just a normal part of my life, just like eating, sleeping, washing the dishes, walking the dog etc. I wanted to be grateful and I did not want to feel like this had more power than it should. I found deliverance from the turmoil, in embracing this part of my existence.
"... be truthful at least to yourself."
