I hurt the person I love the most

I broke the trust of a friend and I hurt him really badly... I did something that I promised I wouldn't do. I don't know how to fix this. I hate myself so much, I'm so scared of losing him.

I cried all night till 4 am and this morning for a long time and I was praying so much, begging God to please help me. And it was the type of crying where you where you have to hold your breath and grab your stomach just trying to keep quiet while hot tears roll down your face. Imagine doing that all night and waking up crying again.

I feel disgusting with myself and how I'm acting. Everything is about me and I hate that I'm like this. I hate that I'm always afraid and anxious and my reactions to problems only make it worse.I'm letting my feelings get in the way of everything and I'm always afraid and... right now I don't know what to do to rebuild this trust with him.

I know that if I want to keep people that I care about in my life I have to change but I don't know how

jkjk said:

Is this the Muslim friend you posted about the other day?

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Yes

Gracia Singh said:

I think it would be healthy to give your friendship with him a break. Just, at least, for a while. Focus on your own soul, your faith, your mental and emotional health, and your life.

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I'm scared

Gracia Singh said:

I think it would be healthy to give your friendship with him a break. Just, at least, for a while. Focus on your own soul, your faith, your mental and emotional health, and your life.

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jkjk said:

Do you mind sharing what happened?

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Roidecoeur78 said:

Scared that you have turned this person, or being with him, into an idol? Maybe there is something to fear there, renounce such a desire and have peace.

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I'm just so tired I can't do this anymore. I care too much about him, I think I'm getting obsessed and I hate it. We are taking a break for a week and I can't stop crying. I feel so pathetic and that I'm too clingy and annoying. Things were so good we were so happy. Then he got jelous and hurt because I was talking to a guy and he thought I was going to leave him. But that guy was a stranger I would never leave him ever I love him but I lost my independence. I'm breaking I'm so fragile right now I can't eat or sleep I just cry and cry. I want things to be okay. I pray so much and I don't know what to do. We can't be together and everyone is telling me to give up. But I don't want to give up, I still have hope is it that bad? I love him and no one understands the pain I go through. I'm crying writing this I can barely see the screen.

I don't fall in love easily I never dared. Because I always guarded my heart and told myself "who would accept someone like you" I mean who? I fell in love once before and when that person broke me I changed. I was fine my own for a long time.. I mean.. I'm used to it right? When.. when I open up to someone, when I love and trust them and I go through a lot I show them my inside. The broken inside that I hide away from everyone. I end up falling in love so deeply and I'm scared and it hurts so much. I lose control sometimes because I never really have anyone to talk to.. to connect with that often. And I think this is what's happening. I love him but I'm letting my fear and past control me. I'm getting scared that he'll abandon me too and I know that the pain will be unbearable because he means more to me than anyone. I'm opening up so much to him, I'm showing him all my flaws and insecurities and my mistakes and I'm.. I'm so scared. That's why I have been acting this way because he matters so much.. I get so paranoid. I went to so many people for advice, for help so that I don't hurt him. So that I wouldn't mess this up but I'm still messing up anyway. But.. I'm still not losing hope. I'm still not giving up I'm still trying even though I cry and shake and get so scared.. no one understands this pain and I can't believe that I've opened so much to someone that they have seen this side of me.

Is it bad that I have hope? No one believes that it's possible but I keep going and I feel so alone because no one supports me. I'm so tired I hate that I'm like this. I feel so weak in front of everyone and that everyone is pitying me and I don't want them to. I know I'm strong and I believe that everything will be okay but it's like I'm the only one putting in the effort. I don't want to give up on him please.. I love him. Am I being delusional? Everyone tells me to stop but my heart keeps telling me to not give up. I want things to go right just once... He said that I only want attention and someone to love me but I don't want that. I don't NEED anyone to take care of me. I want to take care of HIM and help him and watch him grow and be happy. I want him to find God but he's so into his religion I can't do it on my own. Please I don't want to give up. I'm very tired. I'm very behind in school. I don't want to be this dependent on others. I just want things to be okay.

Gracia Singh said:

There are so many red flags here, Nika. Not the least of which is what this is doing to you emotionally. Please. Stop listening to your heart, and give yourself a much needed break.

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I'm sorry

paul1149 said:

Hello Nika,

Just a few thoughts.

You are not the first to experience this. There are some of us who do understand what you're going through. In some small way, maybe knowing that will help.

You're opening your heart so wide reminds me of the scripture, in Song of Solomon, "Do not arouse or awaken love, before it so desires", and in Ecclesiastes 3, "To everything there is a

time and a season... a time to love.." Love is so powerful we have to be careful with it.​

The Psalms tell us "Unless the Lord builds the house, the laborers labor in vain" -Ps 127. If there is any hope for this relationship, it is in giving the Lord full sovereignty over it. Simply put, you have to acknowledge that His purposes in the matter come first. This thing seems to have knocked you off your rightful position of rest in Christ, and that is not a good thing. When we are at spiritual rest we can see things clearly, and we remain in contact with the Holy Spirit. But if we allow circumstances to block that relationship, we lose our peace and we end up stressing in our own strength.

How is that a manifestation of faith? Better to remain at spiritual rest and make allowing the Lord access to the situation our most important and continuing goal. Then we don't take upon ourselves burdens we can't begin to bear. This is why Jesus invites us to,
​

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. -Matt 11:28-30​

I pray you are reminded of the Lord's goodness and of His ability to save, and that you can return to resting in Him. I know it's very hard, but I actually think that beside being the best thing for you, it is ironically the healthiest thing you can do for the prospects of this relationship succeeding, if it is meant to be.​

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What I really worry about is him not being saved... i want to help him. I want him to find God and be happy. He's very broken too and i want him to heal as well. I want to take care of him and try to do something that many people find impossible...

MotherFirefly said:

I have experienced similar feelings to what you are going through, before I found my own peace and love for myself.
What helped a lot, and what I suggest for you, is to find an outlet. Something you can direct all of your beautiful emotions and passions to. I think you need to clear you brain before you can give any more of your time to this... Beating yourself up, and losing sleep will only stress the situation more.

I find high adrenaline activities help.
I remember a few times spent at sporting ranges and open fields, taking a gallon of water, and just running my heart out.
These days I go to the firing range almost weekly.
It may sound odd but it really helps to relieve that pressure in your chest and your head from these feelings.

Try and find your outlet. Something you can do alone to vent. Prayers for you, love.

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I used to run a lot too. I also play guitar, sing and cook. It's just everything reminds me of him every song and every action that I do and it makes me sad.

I really miss him

Roidecoeur78 said:

1. This is unlikely to be love, but most likely to be infatuation, and has become like a drug withdrawal episode for you. It sounds that you have little or no experience in this area, but are trying to speed it along. That's no reason to give yourself away in the fear that you won't have another chance. You'll have plenty of chances to reveal your true self, so don't rush it. There are some things you can't get back once you've given them away, but your true self develops over time and not everyone that's willing to have you is worth your true self.

2. You are valuable and beautiful in God's eyes, no matter how needy or broken you may consider yourself. There will be many opportunities for you to interact socially with someone in your age and peer group locally, and trying to force something over long distance through a screen has no real humanity in it. It's how lonely young women are duped into becoming an Isis bride. But more commonly, hinging your existence on wanting something from others, or wanting others to want you, will only increase your needy and broken feelings. Seeking the meaning of your life and personal approval, peace, and validation, from any other being besides your Creator is bound to result in the very physical/emotional torment you're describing.

3. You cannot save anyone, only God can do that. Your very description of your emotional and mental state sounds like someone that has already jumped out of the lifeboat, how are you going to help someone else into the lifeboat if you're being helplessly tossed around by the waves?

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Thank you so much... I think that I just put so much time and effort into this... It's hard to let go because of that. And honestly it just really really hurts and we would like talk about a future together and all that stuff. And we had many great memories and he said so many things and this took so much time and energy from me... I've gotten so far it's heartbreaking to give up. And I truly care about him but I have it been focusing on him and that has become very unhealthy. It just hurts.