How does your relationship change after you get married?

Owlette said:

Just wondering what to expect! Do things get way more complicated?

Do your expectations change?

Does your love grow and deepen so much more?

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I'm very new to being married, but just to offer a different perspective we actually were shocked at how little has changed. We thought everything was going to feel super different but it didn't, it's like milestone birthdays. Someone says "how does it feel being 21?" And you think "same as 20."

The big thing that has changed is living together. Living with another person is great sometimes and insanely frustrating other times. The biggest thing that's changed since being married is that I can't run away from Alex... Lol. When he annoys me, when I feel like being a loner, when I'm gassy, anything... He's still there. Communication becomes really important to claim your space when you need it and to resolve arguments quickly so your space doesn't feel suffocating.

Oh, and sex. You go so long training yourselves to slam the breaks when things get hot, sex can be a big adjustment. It's awesome, the rumors are true, but for us we've had a time adjusting to having that in our lives. We've gone through times where we did it so much it felt forced, and times where we both felt like we wanted more but felt awkward asking because of perceived disinterest. I'm less than a year in and things are already settling into a good open place, but that was definitely jarring at first.

There's a lot to be excited for and a lot to work on. Can't wait to have you on these forums too! do y'all have a date in mind?

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Early on my wife placed her joy and contentment on our relationship. After time we learned its best not to put that pressure on the marriage or each other. We've found placing our focus on our relationship with God is the best way to ensure having a successful marriage. God bless you and your future husband!

Things really didn't get complicated after we got married; after kids-yes! But, if you are marrying for the right reasons, it's new, exciting and fun. Even the hard stuff is good because you are going through it together. Expectations probably change after a while; it's important to work on your relationship everyday, stay in communication about everything, and (for Christians) both be committed to having God at the center of everything (in your individual lives and together as a couple). Love does deepen because you enter into deeper and different ways to express your love, you know much more about this person than anyone else. It can be a challenge and it's new and exciting.

following

Owlette said:

Just wondering what to expect! Do things get way more complicated?

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Yes they do.

Do your expectations change?

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Absolutely, especially if you have never been in such a close relationship before. If you have never lived with someone else and shared a life with them, you really have no basis for your incoming expectations. Some expectations may be spot on, others kinda close,; or all of them may be miles off the mark.

If you have never had an ongoing sexual relationship, you have no basis for your incoming expectations on that topic either. You really have no idea of what you want and don’t want.

As you grow together and become accustomed to the above, the expectations go from being based on fantasy to more of reality.

Does your love grow and deepen so much more?

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It can; but you have to direct it that way.

Sometimes the stresses of the complexity of living with another person, the changes of expectations (and accompanying disappointments) can push us apart and we can start to resent our spouse. Any relationship takes work, no matter how “compatible” you may think you are.

Owlette said:

It’s just so exciting, wonderful, yet unpredictable and scary waiting to get married, wondering what it will be like!

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Indeed it is.

Talk to your fiancée a LOT. In great detail. Especially on the difficult or formerly inappropriate topics. (Like sex)

Discuss all of your desires and expectations. The 2 biggest reasons historically for divorce in the US are money issues and sex. Talking about them out before the wedding will make talking about them afterward so much easier.

How long do you have?

@Owlette
how much longer until you marry?

This series of articles describes several fairly typical paths marriages take; how to avoid them and if you find yourself there, how to repair them.

Concept explanation:
The Policy of Unidivided Attention

Series of articles describing typical marriages:
Dating the One You Married Series of Articles

The advice to always continue dating, even if it is kind of difficult to arrange, is golden. If you fell in love because you loved dating each other, why should you stay in love if all of those connections come to a screeching halt?

Another common thing that breaks marriages down is the habit of sacrificing for each other. If you do not allow your husband (or wife) to sacrifice for your benefit, you will go far towards keeping your marriage strong:
The Giver & Taker
The Policy of Joint Agreement

The love my husband and I share has grown deeper and stronger with the passage of time and we carefully follow the dating rules and the "policy of joint agreement".

All the best wishes to you, and may God shower many blessings on your marriage when it occurs.
E.

Endeavourer said:

Another common thing that breaks marriages down is the habit of sacrificing for each other. If you do not allow your husband (or wife) to sacrifice for your benefit, you will go far towards keeping your marriage strong:

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???
Did you word that correctly?

Not allowing your marriage partner to sacrifice for you strengthens marriage?

Dave-W said:

???
Did you word that correctly?

Not allowing your marriage partner to sacrifice for you strengthens marriage?

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Yes, I did word it correctly. In other words, not allowing your husband (or wife) to give in to your way at their expense.

The logic behind it is described in the brief article I linked, The Giver and the Taker. Essentially after a few times of Giving, your Taker will rear its ugly head. Much better to negotiate upfront with each other's Takers and not do anything unless each of your Takers is happy. This type conflict resolution avoids all need to fight, and after the conflict is resolved you will be even MORE in love with your spouse than you were before. If both of your Takers are not just happy but are enthusiastic about the resolution being the best, then those resolutions won't cause grudges and resentment.

We don't dread resolving conflict at all - we find it enjoyable - because we know that the outcome will be something we both are enthusiastic about. Negotiating for your Taker is actually quite fun. We already know we will both win, so the tension of protecting whether or not your position will 'lose' doesn't exist. Our negotiations are able to be transparent and radically honest. So, we never get angry over conflicts - there is no need. If a solution isn't immediately found, we defer action until one is. We both feel fully assured that neither of us will be forced to sacrifice to the other's Taker.

My husband and I follow this. I won't allow him to concede or sacrifice over something I want. Instead, I defer what I want until a solution is found that we are both mutually enthusiastic about. Nothing is more urgent than our marriage. If something comes up that we're not mutually enthusiastic about, we don't do it until we've found conditions that enable both of us to be enthusiastic about the resolution.

Sometimes a spouse doesn't get to do something they want to do. Once a different resolution is found that they are enthusiastic about, the resentment of not getting to do what you want to do is gone because you are now doing something you are enthusiastic about.

However, if you proceed to do something your spouse is not enthusiastic about, and your spouse sacrificed for you to do it, you may cause them to feel resentment that cannot be repaired. We view this type of situation as something to be avoided under all circumstances.

My husband and I have naturally occurring conflicts that many other marriages have been greatly damaged or broken over. However, we are more in love with each other today than the day we were married because we protect each other from our own Givers, yes I meant Givers, so that our Givers don't give way to an ugly Taker in the future.

We have resolved many conflicts which have been marriage busters for others, with careful adherence to this philosophy and not a single reslolution resulted in a fight. We just deferred and kept discussing until inch by inch we make progress that we were both mutually enthusiastic about. The inches not resolved were not acted upon by either. When it became more uncomfortable to defer action than to find another mutually enthusiastic inch, we found that next inch. Neither of us would allow the other to offer their Giver in a compromise. We protected each other from that.

Endeavourer said:

Yes, I did word it correctly. In other words, not allowing your husband (or wife) to give in to your way at their expense.

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No I don’t think you did. We are all called to serve one another; no where more than in marriage.

1 John 3:16

My wife has said my not allowing her to serve me has weakened our marriage.

Owlette said:

Just wondering what to expect! Do things get way more complicated?

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No, not really.

Do your expectations change?

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Not really.

Does your love grow and deepen so much more?

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If you put the effort in, sure.

What changed after we got married, because we waited until we were married to have sex, was we were able to engage physically. We felt closer together as we continued to seek God daily. I have been with my husband happily 6 years now. We enjoyed learning each other first spiritually, then emotionally and intellectually and then physically. We became best friends having spent time getting to know each other during the courtship and engagement so being married was not like the secular world.

My husband and I were friends for a few years before we started dating, so there was trust built up. I'd say the only thing that has changed for me, is that now I have to consider another person's feelings before I make decisions on something. That's not a big deal, but I was used to just doing whatever I wanted, and now that's not the case. "Two become one flesh,'' is a beautiful thing, and if you are both committed to that, then things can really flow well. But, there are days, when we might not be on the same page. Overall, my husband is very laid back, but he has a jealous side, that I didn't notice too much when we were friends or just dating. He is working on it. I see marriage as a mission field of sorts. Jesus asks us to be the Light for our spouse. If we keep these precious things in mind, that marriage isn't about fulfilling our own needs, but rather serving God and another person, then we will have a good marriage. But, of course, we are human, and we have selfish moments.

My husband is ten times better with money than me, and that is an area where we disagree at times. lol

Owlette said:

Just wondering what to expect! Do things get way more complicated?

Do your expectations change?

Does your love grow and deepen so much more?

Click to expand...

Very much to all of that.

Many will grow even closer in time.

And she truly has become my best friend.

M-Bob