Relationship advice

bèlla · Jan 26, 2019

Violet90 said:
Thank you for sharing that with me. I understand how you feel, I would like the same. I’m new here so not sure how to do that? Could you send me one and I’ll reply? I’m on my phone

Of course.

S.O.J.I.A. · Jan 26, 2019

after reading through the thread...

...yikes

advice: actions speak louder than words.

Violet90 · Jan 26, 2019

THE W said:
after reading through the thread...

...yikes

advice: actions speak louder than words.

Hi W.

Thank you for your advice, very much appreciated.

devin553344 · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
Hi.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over seven months. We’re serious about each other and often speak of engagement and marriage. Before meeting him I had put on weight as I was going through depression. Recently I’ve noticed that he stares at women, mostly blonde haired women (my hair is black). I spoke with him about it and he sincerely apologised followed by men are visual, which I know. He then said he agrees that our eyes should be for each other and the Lord. Before I noticed his staring he didn’t directly call me fat but said I’m a heavy lump and then laughed. I haven't been able to forget it and it really hurt me. Shouldn’t he accept me for how I currently look if he loves me? I have been working out and my goal is to get back to my normal weight (I’m 5’6 and currently 143lbs, usually 120lbs). I am 28 and he is 32. Deep down I know he loves me but can’t help but feel when he looks ar women, he wishes I wasn’t fat. It also makes me even more worried as he told me honestly at the beginning of our relationship that he sometimes finds it hard not to click on celeb articles on DM with photos of women in bikinis. Again, I’ve spoke with him about all of this and he said that he cherishes me and should show it more often. Nothing has changed since our conversation in terms of him perusing me. I feel that he is the one the Lord has for me but I’m scared that if we do marry things will become worse. Godly and wise advice needed. Thank you.

My wife matched your stats roughly, and I never called her a heavy lump and laughed. It sounds like he may be insensitive.

Radagast · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
Recently I’ve noticed that he stares at women, mostly blonde haired women (my hair is black).

I'm a guy. I stare at women.

When I've been in love, I've never stared at any woman except the one I was in love with.

savedthroughgrace · Jan 27, 2019

Radagast said:
I'm a guy. I stare at women.

When I've been in love, I've never stared at any woman except the one I was in love with.

Not everyone has the same self control as you do. Doesn't mean he doesn't love her. Everyone struggles with different sin. Lust is lust whether you're in a relationship or not. Praise God that by the power of Christ we are able to overcome.

Radagast · Jan 27, 2019

savedthroughgrace said:
Not everyone has the same self control as you do.

I wasn't saying I had self control. Self control comes in to play after a few years, when men start having to remind themselves to stay true to their marriage vows.

But if a man, in the first rush of romance, is still looking at other women, that doesn't bode well.

savedthroughgrace · Jan 27, 2019

Radagast said:
I wasn't saying I had self control. Self control comes in to play after a few years, when men start having to remind themselves to stay true to their marriage vows.

But if a man, in the first rush of romance, is still looking at other women, that doesn't bode well.

I see your point

Sketcher · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
Hi Sketcher.

I understand some people are attracted to multiple looks or don’t have a specific preference or type, that doesn’t hurt me. It’s the fact that when he has stared it’s been mostly blonde women and then calling me heavy when he told me he prefers curves and is very attracted to me. I’m confused by his actions.

Does he troll people? If so, maybe he was just trolling you.

I work with trolls. Some of them troll their significant others. Some of those that do actually maintain their relationships.

Violet90 · Jan 27, 2019

Radagast said:
I'm a guy. I stare at women.

When I've been in love, I've never stared at any woman except the one I was in love with.

I appreciate your honesty. I am going to talk to him today after church and will bring this up.

Violet90 · Jan 27, 2019

Sketcher said:
Does he troll people? If so, maybe he was just trolling you.

I work with trolls. Some of them troll their significant others. Some of those that do actually maintain their relationships.

I don’t think he does, he usually jokes sarcastically.

Violet90 · Jan 27, 2019

devin553344 said:
My wife matched your stats roughly, and I never called her a heavy lump and laughed. It sounds like he may be insensitive.

Thank you. I myself don’t think I am fat, but his comments have made me doubt that.

Hannah66 · Jan 27, 2019

I feel as though he could be displaying some narcissitic traits. I may be wrong, but apart, from this, are you noticing anything else about his behaviour? The fact that he sniggered at your weight gain shows to me he could be a bit narcissitic. Does he show remorse or empathy for you? It's more then attraction...if he appears shallow and immature I would be really asking the Lord if you should continue this relationship. It will save you pain long-term. All of us change in our appearance. Even he will!! We should want to be with someone because we are attracted to them as a person and not what they look like. You deserve better then that!

Anand Prabhu Antony · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
Hi.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over seven months. We’re serious about each other and often speak of engagement and marriage. Before meeting him I had put on weight as I was going through depression. Recently I’ve noticed that he stares at women, mostly blonde haired women (my hair is black). I spoke with him about it and he sincerely apologised followed by men are visual, which I know. He then said he agrees that our eyes should be for each other and the Lord. Before I noticed his staring he didn’t directly call me fat but said I’m a heavy lump and then laughed. I haven't been able to forget it and it really hurt me. Shouldn’t he accept me for how I currently look if he loves me? I have been working out and my goal is to get back to my normal weight (I’m 5’6 and currently 143lbs, usually 120lbs). I am 28 and he is 32. Deep down I know he loves me but can’t help but feel when he looks ar women, he wishes I wasn’t fat. It also makes me even more worried as he told me honestly at the beginning of our relationship that he sometimes finds it hard not to click on celeb articles on DM with photos of women in bikinis. Again, I’ve spoke with him about all of this and he said that he cherishes me and should show it more often. Nothing has changed since our conversation in terms of him perusing me. I feel that he is the one the Lord has for me but I’m scared that if we do marry things will become worse. Godly and wise advice needed. Thank you.

Luke 11:34
"Your eye is the lamp of the body. When your eye is sincere, your whole body is full of light also. But when it is evil, your body is dark also".

1 John 2:16-17
"...because everything that is in the world—the desire of the flesh and the desire of the eyes and the arrogance of material possessions—is not from the Father, but is from the world. And the world is passing away, and its desire, but the one who does the will of God remains forever".

devin553344 · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
Thank you. I myself don’t think I am fat, but his comments have made me doubt that.

You might try to identify insensitivity in your boyfriend actions. And talk to a counselor about what that can do to your psyche. Things like that can sneak up on you then years later find out your then dysfunctional. Learned that one myself. My Father is very insensitive at speech but also sensitive to your needs, he's kinda back and forth like the ocean tide.

Neostarwcc · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
Hi.

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over seven months. We’re serious about each other and often speak of engagement and marriage. Before meeting him I had put on weight as I was going through depression. Recently I’ve noticed that he stares at women, mostly blonde haired women (my hair is black). I spoke with him about it and he sincerely apologised followed by men are visual, which I know. He then said he agrees that our eyes should be for each other and the Lord. Before I noticed his staring he didn’t directly call me fat but said I’m a heavy lump and then laughed. I haven't been able to forget it and it really hurt me. Shouldn’t he accept me for how I currently look if he loves me? I have been working out and my goal is to get back to my normal weight (I’m 5’6 and currently 143lbs, usually 120lbs). I am 28 and he is 32. Deep down I know he loves me but can’t help but feel when he looks ar women, he wishes I wasn’t fat. It also makes me even more worried as he told me honestly at the beginning of our relationship that he sometimes finds it hard not to click on celeb articles on DM with photos of women in bikinis. Again, I’ve spoke with him about all of this and he said that he cherishes me and should show it more often. Nothing has changed since our conversation in terms of him perusing me. I feel that he is the one the Lord has for me but I’m scared that if we do marry things will become worse. Godly and wise advice needed. Thank you.

You aren't fat. If you want fat try being over 380 pounds like me. I'M fat lol. Despite being fat my wife has stayed with me for over 6 years now and counting. Me being fat doesn't bother her. But my dad when my mom weighed like 140 pounds called my mom fat because he was used to her being 90 pounds. My wife has put on weight since I married her (about 25 pounds) I call her fat sometimes as a joke and she just says "if I'm fat you're the king of fat" lol. I think your boyfriend meant it as a joke and not to hurt your feelings. Should he be looking at other women? No. I would tell him to stop if I were you. I mean REALLY tell him to stop. Say that if he doesn't stop it hurts you so much that you might break up with him. Idk if it really hurts you to that point but if he really loves you the idea of losing you would get him to stop. I mean my wife and I used to argue a lot for example. We've "broken up" dozens of times only to get "back together" again. I don't even remember what we used to fight about just piddly stuff. But since we got married our arguments almost completely stopped. We still fight from time to time but for the most part our arguing is over. But when she threatened to break up with me in the past I shaped up REALLY quick because I loved her. That's all the advice I can give I guess.

Radagast · Jan 27, 2019

Violet90 said:
I appreciate your honesty. I am going to talk to him today after church and will bring this up.

If you do, the standard "when you do X, it makes me feel Y, and I would like you to Z" line may be helpful.

Violet90 · Jan 27, 2019

Hannah66 said:
I feel as though he could be displaying some narcissitic traits. I may be wrong, but apart, from this, are you noticing anything else about his behaviour? The fact that he sniggered at your weight gain shows to me he could be a bit narcissitic. Does he show remorse or empathy for you? It's more then attraction...if he appears shallow and immature I would be really asking the Lord if you should continue this relationship. It will save you pain long-term. All of us change in our appearance. Even he will!! We should want to be with someone because we are attracted to them as a person and not what they look like. You deserve better then that!

Hi Hannah.

Thank you for your reply. He’s only known me at my current weight as we met after I had put weight on. Before he asked me to be his girlfriend he said he prefers curves and loves my black hair. I’ve not noticed anything else about his behaviour. Generally he is kind and has been empathetic. He knows that I am sensitive so it shocked me.

Yes I agree with you, he will change too and I would love him still.

PaulCyp1 · Jan 27, 2019

The fact that he notices other women doesn't mean anything negative about you. Men do notice other women. It's just part of how we are made. My wife and I are happily married for many years, and I would never knowingly do or say anything to hurt her, but I do notice other women. I don't fantasize about them or lust after them or anything like that, but I do notice them. Women are attractive to men, which is how God designed us, and even the most loving and faithful husbands are still men.

Violet90 · Jan 27, 2019

Anand Prabhu Antony said:
Luke 11:34
"Your eye is the lamp of the body. When your eye is sincere, your whole body is full of light also. But when it is evil, your body is dark also".

1 John 2:16-17
"...because everything that is in the world—the desire of the flesh and the desire of the eyes and the arrogance of material possessions—is not from the Father, but is from the world. And the world is passing away, and its desire, but the one who does the will of God remains forever".

Hi Anand.

I totally agree with you. Thank you

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