Relationship advice
- Thread starter Violet90
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I'm going to address this from a secular position for several reasons. I don't usually do that but in this case I think it's needed. I'll explain myself below.
"Should" is rarely a good place to be in a relationship. Given what you've shared he has an aesthetic preference and may have made an exception in your case. Has he dated overweight women in the past?
The problem with aesthetics is this. The more it matters the greater the expectation for change. I date men with an aesthetic preference and it never leaves. If he makes an exception it's because your value exceeds the preference and he's willing to forgo it or help you reach that point.
You are working on your health and I commend you for doing that. But I'm concerned this won't go away and that's why I'm being candid. I am not suggesting infidelity or anything like that.
However, being attractive to your companion is something most women value. His behavior can have a negative impact on your self-esteem. The solution goes beyond 20 pounds. You must give serious consideration if you are willing to maintain the aesthetic he prefers or do you require a partner who will accept your appearance if it changes later on?
If you agreed with his philosophy the issue resolves itself. If you lean on the idea of belonging to one another physically as the bible mentions, you can make peace with it. But if you need a buffer a conversation should follow.
Understanding is the goal. It's better to know what you're walking into sooner than later. I would invite him to share what he finds most attractive about a woman. Don't make it about you. Give him the freedom of expression and see what he says. You may discover a lot you didn't know in the process.
This is a challenging issue for women. I am comfortable being held to a standard. But that isn't true for most. Pray for him and yourself and ask the Lord to guide you when you speak.
"Should" is rarely a good place to be in a relationship. Given what you've shared he has an aesthetic preference and may have made an exception in your case. Has he dated overweight women in the past?
The problem with aesthetics is this. The more it matters the greater the expectation for change. I date men with an aesthetic preference and it never leaves. If he makes an exception it's because your value exceeds the preference and he's willing to forgo it or help you reach that point.
You are working on your health and I commend you for doing that. But I'm concerned this won't go away and that's why I'm being candid. I am not suggesting infidelity or anything like that.
However, being attractive to your companion is something most women value. His behavior can have a negative impact on your self-esteem. The solution goes beyond 20 pounds. You must give serious consideration if you are willing to maintain the aesthetic he prefers or do you require a partner who will accept your appearance if it changes later on?
If you agreed with his philosophy the issue resolves itself. If you lean on the idea of belonging to one another physically as the bible mentions, you can make peace with it. But if you need a buffer a conversation should follow.
Understanding is the goal. It's better to know what you're walking into sooner than later. I would invite him to share what he finds most attractive about a woman. Don't make it about you. Give him the freedom of expression and see what he says. You may discover a lot you didn't know in the process.
This is a challenging issue for women. I am comfortable being held to a standard. But that isn't true for most. Pray for him and yourself and ask the Lord to guide you when you speak.
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savedthroughgrace
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Hi Violet
I can't give you a lot of advice on how to handle this per se. I can tell you that by the numbers you give I wouldn't call you fat. My wife is 5'4" about 140 and she isn't fat at all! I think part of the issue may be self esteem and you may need more encouragement from your boyfriend. I'm sure his looking at other women does not help you feel better and I am sorry for that. Praying for God to open his eyes to see that what he does and says hurts you is the only real suggestion I can give. And of course telling him what you've told us. I struggle with joking around with my wife and I'm sure I sometimes hurt her. I say things that wouldn't hurt my feelings but may hurt hers. Even though I recognize that I still struggle with it in the moment. It sometimes takes time to change things. The best thing you and your boyfriend can do is put God first and communicate by being completely honest. We all come with sin nature and bad parts. It's up to us to decide what we can and can't live with, and it's up to us to forgive as His Word says.
I can't give you a lot of advice on how to handle this per se. I can tell you that by the numbers you give I wouldn't call you fat. My wife is 5'4" about 140 and she isn't fat at all! I think part of the issue may be self esteem and you may need more encouragement from your boyfriend. I'm sure his looking at other women does not help you feel better and I am sorry for that. Praying for God to open his eyes to see that what he does and says hurts you is the only real suggestion I can give. And of course telling him what you've told us. I struggle with joking around with my wife and I'm sure I sometimes hurt her. I say things that wouldn't hurt my feelings but may hurt hers. Even though I recognize that I still struggle with it in the moment. It sometimes takes time to change things. The best thing you and your boyfriend can do is put God first and communicate by being completely honest. We all come with sin nature and bad parts. It's up to us to decide what we can and can't live with, and it's up to us to forgive as His Word says.
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savedthroughgrace
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Also Violet, people do have prefences in what they find attractive. I believe that's what first attracts us to our mate. but looks change. We all age and we all go through life that effects our appearance. Scars, babies, sickness and disease, weight loss, weight gain, you name it. I agree with you that you should be loved and cherished as you are. And I know from experience that a wandering eye can cause trouble, hurt and actions that are regrettable.
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That's a bad sign.
If he's hurting you emotionally, that's a very bad sign.
I would say: don't get married until you are sure that he's the right one.
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Hi Saved.
Thank you for your message, it’s truly appreciated. I don’t think I am fat for my height but his words made me feel that I am. I’m naturally curvy and before he asked me to be his girlfriend he said he prefers curves so with him saying that and then calling me heavy it confused me and made me feel did he lie? I’m his first girlfriend and he’s shown me photos of two women he has met, a year before meeting me. Both have dark brown hair, one was a bit bigger than me and the other was slim but also both totally different to how I look. They were Caucasian women and I am mixed with Dominican and Irish. We pray together often, including guarding both our eyes, hearts etc. And I pray daily for him. I guess he just gives me mixed signals. He’s told me he feels he’s punching above his weight etc and then will look at women that are total opposites to me. I agree that our bodies and appearances change overtime and our inner appearance is more important and should matter more. Thank you for your kind words, you’ve given me a great deal to think about.
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Hi Bella.I'm going to address this from a secular position for several reasons. I don't usually do that but in this case I think it's needed. I'll explain myself below.
"Should" is rarely a good place to be in a relationship. Given what you've shared he has an aesthetic preference and may have made an exception in your case. Has he dated overweight women in the past?
The problem with aesthetics is this. The more it matters the greater the expectation for change. I date men with an aesthetic preference and it never leaves. If he makes an exception it's because your value exceeds the preference and he's willing to forgo it or help you reach that point.
You are working on your health and I commend you for doing that. But I'm concerned this won't go away and that's why I'm being candid. I am not suggesting infidelity or anything like that.
However, being attractive to your companion is something most women value. His behavior can have a negative impact on your self-esteem. The solution goes beyond 20 pounds. You must give serious consideration if you are willing to maintain the aesthetic he prefers or do you require a partner who will accept your appearance if it changes later on?
If you agreed with his philosophy the issue resolves itself. If you lean on the idea of belonging to one another physically as the bible mentions, you can make peace with it. But if you need a buffer a conversation should follow.
Understanding is the goal. It's better to know what you're walking into sooner than later. I would invite him to share what he finds most attractive about a woman. Don't make it about you. Give him the freedom of expression and see what he says. You may discover a lot you didn't know in the process.
This is a challenging issue for women. I am comfortable being held to a standard. But that isn't true for most. Pray for him and yourself and ask the Lord to guide you when you speak.
Thank you for your reply and lengthy message, truly appreciated!
I believe our inner apperance is more important and should be valued, he seems to agree but his actions confuse me. I understand God created men visual but overtime our bodies and appearances will change, including men.
I’m not entirely sure if he prefers blonde hair. I’m his first girlfriend but he has met two other women around a year before meeting me. Both have dark brown hair, one is a little bigger than what I am now and the other was slim. Before he asked me to be his girlfriend we spoke about appearance and he said he prefers curves. I am naturally curvy so his comment left me feeling hurt and like he lied to me about it?
Yes I agree and I will gracefully bring up the conversation tomorrow after church. Also prayer beforehand. Thank you very much
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Hi Radagast.
Thank you for your message.
Yes I agree, both are bad signs which is why I’m confused and hurt. I have no plans to marry him anytime soon but prayer has led me to believe he is the right one. For the past few days I haven’t seen him looking while driving or walking but at the same time he hasn’t been pursuing me, which he usually does. Almost every time we walk past a woman I’m questioning my own beauty, and wishing I looked like her or whoever. I’m going to pray tomorrow and speak with him after church. Thank you again
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- Jan 16, 2019
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You are most welcome. I'm happy to assist.
I agree but that's why I responded the way I did. We don't know his heart and I don't think anyone can say with certainty something nefarious will occur. I spoke from a position you'd understand because I've lived it.
It is always good to ask for clarity's sake. Don't be afraid to ask what that means. We see things very differently as women.
I think it will help you both. Meeting each other's needs is important. If being thinner is your goal it is better to have a man who will help you maintain it than one who won't.
Some may disagree but I've seen the other side of this and counseled many women who struggled to find a partner due to weight. They expected the other person to change or understand and it didn't happen.
I'm not advocating anything unbiblical. I'm advising you to be very clear about the person you're dealing with and your willingness to meet his needs and his ability to meet yours in turn. I think there should be give and take on both sides.
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I've heard that many times before... including from women on CF where the relationship turned out to be a disaster.
The whole "prayer has led me to believe" thing turns out to be rather unreliable, because it is so easy to fool yourself.
On the other hand, facts about his behaviour are facts about his behaviour.
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- Dec 13, 2018
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in sickness and in health.
I too am guilty of wandering eyes sometimes but I am for just one woman, My wife weather she gains or loses weight I love her. I have never called her out on her appearance and never will, she will always be perfect in my eyes and if she ever joins a gym it will not be because I make her.
I too am guilty of wandering eyes sometimes but I am for just one woman, My wife weather she gains or loses weight I love her. I have never called her out on her appearance and never will, she will always be perfect in my eyes and if she ever joins a gym it will not be because I make her.
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Hi Sketcher.
I understand some people are attracted to multiple looks or don’t have a specific preference or type, that doesn’t hurt me. It’s the fact that when he has stared it’s been mostly blonde women and then calling me heavy when he told me he prefers curves and is very attracted to me. I’m confused by his actions.
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Yes I do agree with you and thank you for your insight.You are most welcome. I'm happy to assist.
I agree but that's why I responded the way I did. We don't know his heart and I don't think anyone can say with certainty something nefarious will occur. I spoke from a position you'd understand because I've lived it.
It is always good to ask for clarity's sake. Don't be afraid to ask what that means. We see things very differently as women.
I think it will help you both. Meeting each other's needs is important. If being thinner is your goal it is better to have a man who will help you maintain it than one who won't.
Some may disagree but I've seen the other side of this and counseled many women who struggled to find a partner due to weight. They expected the other person to change or understand and it didn't happen.
I'm not advocating anything unbiblical. I'm advising you to be very clear about the person you're dealing with and your willingness to meet his needs and his ability to meet yours in turn. I think there should be give and take on both sides.
I don’t know if he made that comment because he wants me to lose weight or if it was a joke but I knew before I met him that I wanted to lose the weight I gained. I don’t think I am fat for my height but his comment has made me feel that I am.
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Thank you and I will heed your comment although I do believe it, based on prayer but also how we met, our great grand parents living on the same road, our personalities are so alike, we both agree on most theological topics, also his pastor growing up is now mine at my gospel hall. There’s lots of little details that are unbelievable with us living 140 miles apart. My grand parents have said us coming together is devine intervention. But again, I won’t rush into anything.
I am going to speak with him tomorrow about this. Do you have advice? Thank you again
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I've lived this myself. Once upon a time I met a man in a place I should have never been but his words are embedded in my conscience.
What have you done he said? He acknowledged the work, and the change, but most of all he acknowledge the damage that I'd done. He articulated what I felt. It wasn't negativity or self-abrasion. It was someone recognizing the destruction of her temple.
He was the lone voice among many who celebrated my beauty. But his words remained with me and he spent many years trying to undue that remark. I didn't need sympathy or empathy. I needed someone who'd say enough and walk beside me.
It is hard to say without knowing the particulars of your relationship. You are welcome to message me privately if you'd like.
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Thank you for sharing that with me. I understand how you feel, I would like the same. I’m new here so not sure how to do that? Could you send me one and I’ll reply? I’m on my phoneI've lived this myself. Once upon a time I met a man in a place I should have never been but his words are embedded in my conscience.
What have you done he said? He acknowledged the work, and the change, but most of all he acknowledge the damage that I'd done. He articulated what I felt. It wasn't negativity or self-abrasion. It was someone recognizing the destruction of her temple.
He was the lone voice among many who celebrated my beauty. But his words remained with me and he spent many years trying to undue that remark. I didn't need sympathy or empathy. I needed someone who'd say enough and walk beside me.
It is hard to say without knowing the particulars of your relationship. You are welcome to message me privately if you'd like.
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