It's been five years since I got tinnitus due to massive hearing loss and it just keeps getting worse. I have wanted to die for five years since and I'm done waiting on something to get better. I have no strength left. It's Christmas and I can't be joyful about what Jesus has done for me because it doesn't help me in the now. Jesus' life and death don't do anything to save me from my current situation and nothing will. God didn't protect me when I asked him too over these past five years. I have no joy in life. I can't function like a normal person. Disability benefits are denied to me. No counselor I've seen seems to understand. All the work I do for the nonprofit support forums for people with tinnitus just seems to be for nothing. I want to end my life so badly even if it will cause people I love pain.
Sometimes love just isn't enough. Love can't take the pain away and love doesn't make it bearable.
I wish I could just end it all. I want the pain to stop but it just increases. God just watches me and doesn't do anything. I don't think He actually cares that much about me.
I don't deserve this. I don't care how sinful I am. I don't deserve this kind of torture and pain. I don't deserve it at all! I have never done anything in my life to deserve this.
I am sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like you are going through a confusing time and you are seeking for help. I don't have all the answers, and what I say may not be what you want to hear; but I think you need to hear it.
It sounds like you put yourself in a state of condemnation. This is where we put all the focus on ourselves and forget those around us so we tell ourselves that what we are going through is so bad no one else can understand. It may be true that people may not be able to understand the pain that you are going through, I am not going to write and pretend that I do either, but I think this state of mind you are putting yourself in is causing you to lose the bigger vision of
why God put you hear on this planet.
We are called to endure trial and tribulation for the sake of the gospel. Every-bodies tribulation may be different from others, some more worse than others, but that is what we are called to do. Now, is this unfair for God to do this? Yes,
if He didn't ALSO go through the same trial and tribulation Himself. Not only did He go through it, but He did it for people that doesn't deserve it. That includes me and... you. This idea that you don't deserve what you are dealing with is, to me, just a way to run away from what you are facing and not taking it on. It sounds like you have been trying for the past 5 years, but I question how much of that has been surrounded by your own self loathing? As I mentioned, this may not be what you want to hear, but I don't think talk that Jesus does love you and care for you is what your spirit NEEDS. What you need is to hear the truth. Nothing less and nothing more.
There are people that suffered a lot worse conditions than you are dealing with, yet in their case, they didn't have anything to do with it. Kids in Africa that grow up in conditions that can't support them, so they die of starvation or disease. Kids that grow up as a sex slave getting past around for years, then left for dead.
Do you really believe that you don't deserve what is happening to you at the moment? We all feel that way at one point or another. Even me, I was born with a tumor in my thigh, and I still live with it today. I am twenty and already showing signs of arthritis in my hands and feet. These are all things that I can make a case against God and tell Him just how unfair and unloving He is to me. But then again, is that true? Something to think about.
Now, why am I saying all this? What is the truth that I want you to see?
We all are dealing with issues in our lives that seem so big that God Himself can't help us with it. But, that is a lie. God is there and willing to help us, but the fact that He has allowed what is happening to you to get to this point is not because he doesn't care for you. Oh No! On the contrary; when He looks at you He sees someone
strong enough to take and
endure through what the devil is doing to try and make you lose your faith. God won't give you more than you can take, and He will also give you a way out. I believe your way out will be the testimony that you will be for those that get to the same mindset that you are currently in.
Imagine that for a second... 5 more years down the line and you are still struggling with tinnitus, but is is bareable and livable. Then, someone writes on this forum or in a forum about this saying the same things that you are saying now. Imagine being able to write and say to them," look... I know where you're coming from. I've been in the exact same position you are in right now; and I am here to tell you, that it
DOES get easier.
You can pull through. If
I can do it, then
you can do it." Imagine this person you tell this to then breaks down in tears and tells you," that is exactly what I needed to hear, and I am so thankful to God that HE sent YOU to tell me these things, so I can hold onto my faith to God, because my faith was wavering." Imagine how you will feel to know that your testimony helped keep one more from losing their faith in God...
Imagine that feeling for a second... and compare that to how you are feeling now. Both feelings are under your control and you can have one but not the other. Which one will you choose?
I pray you make the right choice.
In peace and love