Is there anything specifically biblically wrong with my wife and I's relationship?

Les Castor · Jan 15, 2019

I would say that the relationship between my wife and I is pretty good. We were married in a church and we attend church together and there aren't any issues with trust. However, yesterday my parents were getting onto me again about how the relationship between my wife and I is some how "flawed" biblically since she does seem to take on more if the stereotypically "masculine" responsibilities.
This particular round of criticism started yesterday when my parents' water heater sprung a leak. I went over there right away and shut the water off for my mom. The thing was close to 20 years old so it was time for a new one. So I took my mom to the home Depot and bought her a new gas water heater but they could not come out to do an install until next week. My mom fussed like she does until I agreed to do it. I looked up a youtube video and it honestly didn't seem to hard. We got back to the house and I started by draining the the rest of the water out of the old one. After it was empty, it still was way too heavy to move with just one person so I told my mom to wait until the end of the day, when my brother in law (my sister's husband) was off work and he could help move it. When he got over he was able to help me move it but we were unable to for the life of us, figure out how to get it down from the attic or how to get the new one in. And also neither of us were really sure how to sodder the pipes so close to the rafters. I called my wife to see if she knew any one or had any ideas and apparently she had done work line this before so she told us to wait for her.
While we were waiting, I started to help our nephew on his English home work, so when my wife arrived she told me that she and my brother in law can do the water heater install while I finished tutoring our nephew. It took them about 3 hours but they were able to bring down the old heater and bring up the new one. It seemed like a huge amount of work because it looked like they dismantled part of the attic ladder and rigged up a pully to hoist.
Anyways the hoisting and heaving took the two of them about 3 hours, then my wife started the soddering. One of the connections she had to make was in a very tight area between a roof joist and another support beam. So she managed to squeeze into the little crawl space but i guess she misjudged the size of the opening and got stuck. She yelled for my brother in law to pull her out but the the opening in the framing was just the right size and shape to trap her. She couldn't move forward because the opening was too narrow for her hips and she couldn't be pulled back out because her chest caught life a ratchet. We tried cutting off part of the sweat shirt she was wearing and greasing her up with vegetable oil but she was stuck so bad we had to notch the roof joist with a jig saw.
Of course my mom and dad were terrified we were going to hurt their house. After we got her out we mended the joist but that's when my parents started to complain again about how this wouldn't have happened if they "didn't have two daughters". They lectured us about how is un natural and unbiblical that my wife is the man of the house.
It is true, my wife is better than I am at things like fixing cars, installing plumbing and things like that and I am better at things like home work help, cooking and yard work but our relationship works out well. This is one of the reasons that I don't like doing things for my parents, whenever they need something like that they expect us to be at their beck and call, but then if there is a mishap, they are very quick to say that it could all have been avoided if I wasn't "allowing my wife to do a man's job". Like with this episode, the roof joist was ultimately fine and this could have happened to any one male or female but my mom harped on how only a clumsy girl would have got stuck like that and that my wife should have known that her hips were too wide to be crawling around in an article like that. Some how my brother in law and I were suppose to be ashamed that a woman knew how to sodder whereas we didn't.
My question is, is there really any biblical justification for what type of work constitutes a "man's" work or is most of this due to our toxic preconceived notions of masculinity.

Tree of Life · Jan 15, 2019

Hah! Had to let that "toxic masculinity" line in there, didn't you!

There's nothing necessarily masculine or feminine about chores and work and such. There are certainly cultural expectations, but there's nothing in Scripture that says that a woman can't sweat copper.

Dave-W · Jan 15, 2019

Les Castor said:
My question is, is there really any biblical justification for what type of work constitutes a "man's" work or is most of this due to our toxic preconceived notions of masculinity.

No. Those things are culturally defined, not biblically.

Presbyterian Continuist · Jan 15, 2019

Les Castor said:
I would say that the relationship between my wife and I is pretty good. We were married in a church and we attend church together and there aren't any issues with trust. However, yesterday my parents were getting onto me again about how the relationship between my wife and I is some how "flawed" biblically since she does seem to take on more if the stereotypically "masculine" responsibilities.
This particular round of criticism started yesterday when my parents' water heater sprung a leak. I went over there right away and shut the water off for my mom. The thing was close to 20 years old so it was time for a new one. So I took my mom to the home Depot and bought her a new gas water heater but they could not come out to do an install until next week. My mom fussed like she does until I agreed to do it. I looked up a youtube video and it honestly didn't seem to hard. We got back to the house and I started by draining the the rest of the water out of the old one. After it was empty, it still was way too heavy to move with just one person so I told my mom to wait until the end of the day, when my brother in law (my sister's husband) was off work and he could help move it. When he got over he was able to help me move it but we were unable to for the life of us, figure out how to get it down from the attic or how to get the new one in. And also neither of us were really sure how to sodder the pipes so close to the rafters. I called my wife to see if she knew any one or had any ideas and apparently she had done work line this before so she told us to wait for her.
While we were waiting, I started to help our nephew on his English home work, so when my wife arrived she told me that she and my brother in law can do the water heater install while I finished tutoring our nephew. It took them about 3 hours but they were able to bring down the old heater and bring up the new one. It seemed like a huge amount of work because it looked like they dismantled part of the attic ladder and rigged up a pully to hoist.
Anyways the hoisting and heaving took the two of them about 3 hours, then my wife started the soddering. One of the connections she had to make was in a very tight area between a roof joist and another support beam. So she managed to squeeze into the little crawl space but i guess she misjudged the size of the opening and got stuck. She yelled for my brother in law to pull her out but the the opening in the framing was just the right size and shape to trap her. She couldn't move forward because the opening was too narrow for her hips and she couldn't be pulled back out because her chest caught life a ratchet. We tried cutting off part of the sweat shirt she was wearing and greasing her up with vegetable oil but she was stuck so bad we had to notch the roof joist with a jig saw.
Of course my mom and dad were terrified we were going to hurt their house. After we got her out we mended the joist but that's when my parents started to complain again about how this wouldn't have happened if they "didn't have two daughters". They lectured us about how is un natural and unbiblical that my wife is the man of the house.
It is true, my wife is better than I am at things like fixing cars, installing plumbing and things like that and I am better at things like home work help, cooking and yard work but our relationship works out well. This is one of the reasons that I don't like doing things for my parents, whenever they need something like that they expect us to be at their beck and call, but then if there is a mishap, they are very quick to say that it could all have been avoided if I wasn't "allowing my wife to do a man's job". Like with this episode, the roof joist was ultimately fine and this could have happened to any one male or female but my mom harped on how only a clumsy girl would have got stuck like that and that my wife should have known that her hips were too wide to be crawling around in an article like that. Some how my brother in law and I were suppose to be ashamed that a woman knew how to sodder whereas we didn't.
My question is, is there really any biblical justification for what type of work constitutes a "man's" work or is most of this due to our toxic preconceived notions of masculinity.

This is a sad example of judgment and condemnation that is coming at you instead of grace and power. Also, the devil is accuser of the brethren. Criticism and "putting down" are not fruit of the Spirit. Maybe you should be assertive and say, "I am a child of God and the devil cannot come anywhere near me!" and see what happens.

Also, the Scripture says that a man shall leave his parents and cleave to his wife. I think that it means the same for the wife as well. Your first loyalty is to your wife and her first loyalty is to you. Don't let anything get in the way of that. Preserve the bond of your marriage and don't give place to the devil who would want to blow you both apart - even if you have to go and live in another city away from that influence.

JustRachel · Jan 15, 2019

I used to work in road maintenance. Could outwork most of the men. Now as I've gotten older, I have slowed down a lot. Now I take on the chores that my husband is no longer able to do (he is 14 years older). We all have different talents. Do not let your parents put your wife down!! It made me sad when my dad told me that his dad was upset because he preferred reading to hunting.

A_Thinker · Jan 15, 2019

Les Castor said:
While we were waiting, I started to help our nephew on his English home work, so when my wife arrived she told me that she and my brother in law can do the water heater install while I finished tutoring our nephew.

If anything, you are to be commended for marrying such an accomplished woman ... who complements your own skills.

Your mother is old school and should be ignored when she becomes critical. Her commentary is abusive, ... although she may be too old to realize that.

mama2one · Jan 15, 2019

unusual to have a water heater in an attic; my inlaws last house was 100 yrs old and water heater was still in basement even though their attic was huge

we do according to our strengths not what is "perceived" to be male or female
for example, I write bills, do taxes, manage anything financial since we married
husband just checks my math and signs the tax forms

he does sewing repairs on kid's outfits (not me)

Les Castor · Jan 15, 2019

JustRachel said:
I used to work in road maintenance. Could outwork most of the men. Now as I've gotten older, I have slowed down a lot. Now I take on the chores that my husband is no longer able to do (he is 14 years older). We all have different talents. Do not let your parents put your wife down!! It made me sad when my dad told me that his dad was upset because he preferred reading to hunting.

My parents put us both down. Me for not being as "manly" or "competent" as my wife and her by saying whatever she does no matter how flawless is only "pretty good for a girl".
Side note about reading and hunting u was exactly the same way growing up.

Les Castor · Jan 15, 2019

christine40 said:
unusual to have a water heater in an attic; my inlaws last house was 100 yrs old and water heater was still in basement even thought their attic was huge

we do according to our strengths not what is "perceived" to be male or female
for example, I write bills, do taxes, manage anything financial since we married
husband just checks my math and signs the tax forms

I've gone on the roof to do stuff and like trimming bushes/branches off trees
he has lots of tools and I've use his bandsaw, ax, and other tools

he does sewing repairs on kid's outfits (not me)

We don't have basements here. Usually water hearers are in the attic or the garage. Builders claim that is better to put them in the attic due to increased hydraulic head but that's all just bunk.
Initially my brother in law and I suggested using push in Shark Bite fittings plus flex hose but my mom insisted hard soddered copper pipe since that's what she is use to. My wife knows how to sweat copper pipe so she was doing it.

Hotinco · Jan 15, 2019

There is nothing wrong with what your or your wife chose to do. This belief in gender-specific roles is just flat wrong. A marriage is a partnership, you do the things you are strong at, she will do the thing she is strong at and together you get it done. You just need to be firm with your parents, they can do their marriage how they want and not to force your marriage into their mold.

Mountainmanbob · Jan 15, 2019

Les Castor said:
I would say that the relationship between my wife and I is pretty good. We were married in a church and we attend church together and there aren't any issues with trust. However, yesterday my parents were getting onto me again about how the relationship between my wife and I is some how "flawed" biblically since she does seem to take on more if the stereotypically "masculine" responsibilities.
This particular round of criticism started yesterday when my parents' water heater sprung a leak. I went over there right away and shut the water off for my mom. The thing was close to 20 years old so it was time for a new one. So I took my mom to the home Depot and bought her a new gas water heater but they could not come out to do an install until next week. My mom fussed like she does until I agreed to do it. I looked up a youtube video and it honestly didn't seem to hard. We got back to the house and I started by draining the the rest of the water out of the old one. After it was empty, it still was way too heavy to move with just one person so I told my mom to wait until the end of the day, when my brother in law (my sister's husband) was off work and he could help move it. When he got over he was able to help me move it but we were unable to for the life of us, figure out how to get it down from the attic or how to get the new one in. And also neither of us were really sure how to sodder the pipes so close to the rafters. I called my wife to see if she knew any one or had any ideas and apparently she had done work line this before so she told us to wait for her.
While we were waiting, I started to help our nephew on his English home work, so when my wife arrived she told me that she and my brother in law can do the water heater install while I finished tutoring our nephew. It took them about 3 hours but they were able to bring down the old heater and bring up the new one. It seemed like a huge amount of work because it looked like they dismantled part of the attic ladder and rigged up a pully to hoist.
Anyways the hoisting and heaving took the two of them about 3 hours, then my wife started the soddering. One of the connections she had to make was in a very tight area between a roof joist and another support beam. So she managed to squeeze into the little crawl space but i guess she misjudged the size of the opening and got stuck. She yelled for my brother in law to pull her out but the the opening in the framing was just the right size and shape to trap her. She couldn't move forward because the opening was too narrow for her hips and she couldn't be pulled back out because her chest caught life a ratchet. We tried cutting off part of the sweat shirt she was wearing and greasing her up with vegetable oil but she was stuck so bad we had to notch the roof joist with a jig saw.
Of course my mom and dad were terrified we were going to hurt their house. After we got her out we mended the joist but that's when my parents started to complain again about how this wouldn't have happened if they "didn't have two daughters". They lectured us about how is un natural and unbiblical that my wife is the man of the house.
It is true, my wife is better than I am at things like fixing cars, installing plumbing and things like that and I am better at things like home work help, cooking and yard work but our relationship works out well. This is one of the reasons that I don't like doing things for my parents, whenever they need something like that they expect us to be at their beck and call, but then if there is a mishap, they are very quick to say that it could all have been avoided if I wasn't "allowing my wife to do a man's job". Like with this episode, the roof joist was ultimately fine and this could have happened to any one male or female but my mom harped on how only a clumsy girl would have got stuck like that and that my wife should have known that her hips were too wide to be crawling around in an article like that. Some how my brother in law and I were suppose to be ashamed that a woman knew how to sodder whereas we didn't.
My question is, is there really any biblical justification for what type of work constitutes a "man's" work or is most of this due to our toxic preconceived notions of masculinity.

No scriptures come to mind although there is a place for the man in the home and there is a place for the woman in the home. But, these would not include repairing things and the such. I know a nice Christian couple and have known them since we were teenagers. The wife of their home does all the mechanic work and she's a darn good mechanic. In no way takes from his manhood.

Regarding your parents?
I myself have a mother that jumps totally off-the-wall sometime and she's a Christian. All I can do is keep a little distance and pray for her. Every time I get too close, I seem to get burned.

M-Bob

Swan7 · Jan 15, 2019

God is not about “appearances” like the Pharisees were, He’s all about the heart and that is what shows through.

God calls everyone to their given gifts:
Romans 12:3 we each have a measurement.

Dave-W · Jan 15, 2019

Les Castor said:
Initially my brother in law and I suggested using push in Shark Bite fittings plus flex hose but my mom insisted hard soddered copper pipe since that's what she is use to. My wife knows how to sweat copper pipe so she was doing it.

You have to pay attention to the plumbing codes in your area. Those push fittings are not code in many places.

Dave-W · Jan 15, 2019

christine40 said:
unusual to have a water heater in an attic;

It is actually common in some areas.

Mountainmanbob · Jan 15, 2019

Nothing wrong with having a wife that knows how to solder pipes.

I repaired pipes and valves for the City and my coworker the last 5 years on the job was a lady. Sweet.

M-Bob

NothingIsImpossible · Jan 16, 2019

Going by the topics you made it seems you almost enjoy criticizing your wife and finding things to complain about. Thats a really unhealthy marriage and not a biblical one. I mean you will always have disagreements with each other or maybe things you don't always like. But in the end you should be supporting each other and raising each other up. Love your spouse like you love Christ.

Side note, my wife works and I am the "house husband" who fixes things, does the chores, makes dinner...etc. I mean she does things to sometimes of course. Our marriage isn't perfect but we make it work because its what love is about.

turkle · Jan 16, 2019

I'm really stunned by the ungratefulness of your mother. You have all gone over to help her out of a tough spot and all she can do is criticize? That's disturbing.

Soldering has no gender. Cooking has no gender. It sounds like your mother is just looking for reasons to be critical. My mother was that way too. I found the best thing to do is ignore the negativity and keep contact to a minimum.

Dave-W · Jan 18, 2019

Swan7 said:
God is not about “appearances” like the Pharisees were, He’s all about the heart and that is what shows through.

I totally agree.

However many take "avoid every appearance of evil" () as meaning just that - appearances. IOW if anyone thinks it looks bad, aviod it. That is the whole mentality behind the "Pence Rule;" which is more accurately called the "Billy Graham Rule:"

Never be alone with a woman who is not family.

Swan7 · Jan 18, 2019

Dave-W said:
I totally agree.

However many take "avoid every appearance of evil" () as meaning just that - appearances. IOW if anyone thinks it looks bad, aviod it. That is the whole mentality behind the "Pence Rule;" which is more accurately called the "Billy Graham Rule:"

Never be alone with a woman who is not family.

I very much agree to that.
Jesus was able to sit with sinners and not be hindered and even this way, He saved many. He was able to look beyond appearances and know the heart of man. The root of the matter at hand.

Dave-W · Jan 18, 2019

Swan7 said:
I very much agree to that.

Indeed. Our Lord violated the Graham rule over and over. He did all kinds of things that had the religious leaders of the day crying foul. But He did not sin in any of it.

Is there anything specifically biblically wrong with my wife and I's relationship?

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