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blackribbon

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Why do Christian widows and widowers pretend that they are "fine" and give Bible verses as if they erase the pain of this journey instead of being open and honest about the real struggles both in society and emotionally? The most help I got was on a forum where people expressed their pain along with their victories (example: I was able to buy yogurt at "our" grocery store for the first time without breaking down). I think people come here for realness and understanding but usually get "advice" that downplays their pain or worse comes from someone who imagines they knows what it feels like. Often the end result is feeling even more lonely because "there must be something wrong with me that I am still struggling and everyone else seems to have their life together." At 10 years, I am living my life....my kids are mostly thriving and are young adults that I am proud of (more thanks to God than thanks to me). However, I doubt that a day goes by that I don't think about my husband and miss him and hurt because I am alone. I struggle with why God thinks I am okay being alone even though I do see His hand in my life daily. I smile. I get my need to care for people through my work. However, I miss feeling happy. I am learning to accept that God never promised happiness on this side of death but I still miss it. Anyone else want a place to be real without others assuming that there is something wrong with our Christian walk?
 

Tharseo

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Why do Christian widows and widowers pretend that they are "fine" and give Bible verses as if they erase the pain of this journey instead of being open and honest about the real struggles both in society and emotionally?

Bible verses are of no use if you use them to hypnotize yourself. Unfortunately, many do.

usually get "advice" that downplays their pain or worse comes from someone who imagines they knows what it feels like.

I hope I am not one of them.

Anyone else want a place to be real without others assuming that there is something wrong with our Christian walk?

Missing someone you love and feeling painful have nothing wrong. Maybe you can do better (as anyone can do better), but nothing wrong. People like to assume that there are problems in others' lives.

But sometimes, people need to know that there are fundamental obstacles in their hearts that prevent them to overcome their difficulties. I find another problem in advices is that people give superficial advices to spiritual problems that do not really involves renewing the inner self (I might be one of them). Sometimes, we have to give advices that hit the center of the problem.

But I do hope that people can give advices in love, not in a bunch of Bible verses.
 
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Dave-W

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I was in a WOF congregation for some years. They taught that if your spouse dies and you grieve, it means you have no hope in God. That was how they read this verse:

1 Thessalonians 4:13
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope
 
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blackribbon

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When my son wanted to attend a youth retreat that I couldn't afford as a single widowed mother of two going to nursing school fulltime. I told him to ask if there were any scholarships. This 14 year old kid was made to feel guilty that he asked and was told that I should pay for it. I did pay because I felt so bad for him (I stood in the room while he talked to the leaders). I don't know what we went without that month but the money had to come from somewhere. This is a church that was able to raise $100,000 in a single service for a worthy cause up and over normal giving. They had checks in hand, not pledges. The retreat was probably $50. Nothing now but everything and my ability to breath then.

The kids came home with a project to raise money "for orphans and widows"...and the church expected me to donate.

Lots of men promised to take my son out and do "guy things" (he was 12 when his daddy died). The only call he actually got was to go get ice cream with the youth leader once. No "hey, my son and I are going fishing...want to come along?" or "or we are going to go practice some baseball, do you want to meet us at the park?" .... One lousy ice cream cone. Ten years ago.

i have more examples but I am starting to get bitter thinking about them and I have to work tonight. G

I have an issue with churches. I wasn't old enough to be able to be considered a widow, I guess.

Luckily, God has always been there....but I never would have guessed that I'd be left to raise my kids completely alone. Doing my best to protect them from seeing how the church was treating them and me.
 
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blackribbon

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Bible verses are of no use if you use them to hypnotize yourself. Unfortunately, many do.



I hope I am not one of them.



Missing someone you love and feeling painful have nothing wrong. Maybe you can do better (as anyone can do better), but nothing wrong. People like to assume that there are problems in others' lives.

But sometimes, people need to know that there are fundamental obstacles in their hearts that prevent them to overcome their difficulties. I find another problem in advices is that people give superficial advices to spiritual problems that do not really involves renewing the inner self (I might be one of them). Sometimes, we have to give advices that hit the center of the problem.

But I do hope that people can give advices in love, not in a bunch of Bible verses.

My sadness is that I lost my best friend and lover for over 16 years. I was left to raise our kids alone while dealing with my grief and theirs. How exactly do you propose I "do better"? And how is there even anything remotely spiritually wrong with feeling a great loss where one exists?

The grief is from love not an obstacle to love or against God.

What advice is appropriate to a person who has lost their life partner and parent to their children?...as well as sole financial provider? It physically hurt to breathe after he died.
 
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Tharseo

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My sadness is that I lost my best friend and lover for over 16 years. I was left to raise our kids alone while dealing with my grief and theirs. How exactly do you propose I "do better"? And how is there even anything remotely spiritually wrong with feeling a great loss where one exists?

The grief is from love not an obstacle to love or against God.

What advice is appropriate to a person who has lost their life partner and parent to their children?...as well as sole financial provider? It physically hurt to breathe after he died.

I am sorry I am no good at giving advices to people who suffer from the loss of their love ones, because I have never experienced it.

But I think, instead of trying to forget your love one, try to think of where he is now. Is he not in the hands of God? Do you think that God loves him more than you love him? Are you sure that God will give him the best? Think as him, and maybe, think as God.

For financial problem, maybe I could use an advice given to another person and share my experience to you.

I almost feel like crying now when reading your post. I could not help you with the situation you are in, but I guess I could help you in spirit.

Luke 6:20: ... Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
Luke 6:24: "But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation.

I am never rich, neither is my church. In the past in China, many of us are poor and some are illiterate. Also, churches have had a really difficult time, since the government oppresses the truth (though it is getting much better these days). The government confiscated properties and accused some of us for illegal gathering. Our church had spent all our money to help brothers and sisters and other people who are in dire needs. We were so poor that we can't even afford a place to gather. We have to rent a really small place and pray for the supplies from God.

But we are, on the other hand, so rich, that we are able to help countless people in need. I would share a personal experience of a brother. He had studied in UK with a student visa (he met God there and quit his illegal job). He had very little income for two years, since he was not allowed work for too many hours a week and his family cannot support him. But he had so much that he was able to give half of his yearly tuition fee to another brother in need, yet he sometimes didn't know what he was going to eat on the next day. God supplied him with all he needs. He never skipped a meal.

2 Corinthians 6:9-10
as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Never look forward to be rich. Rather, look forward to be poor. I say this literally, because it is what we believe, that God supplies us if we give up our money and our desire for money. I do not mean that a person should not get a job or should not work hard, nor I am saying it is wrong to have a lot of money. Rather, do not seek on your own to earn more money. God will give you and guide you to find ways to satisfy your needs, if you seek first His kingdom but not your own needs.

Matthew 6:31-33
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

And do not compare with your fellow brothers and sisters. Being poor is blessed by God, so that you may experience His love and know how to wait upon God. I guess I am never being in extreme poverty, but I hope that you eyes could be opened, that you may see the spiritual gain to be poor and to rely on God. Wait God to help you to endure the trial He has put you into.
 
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blackribbon

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I am sorry I am no good at giving advices to people who suffer from the loss of their love ones, because I have never experienced it.

But I think, instead of trying to forget your love one, try to think of where he is now. Is he not in the hands of God? Do you think that God loves him more than you love him? Are you sure that God will give him the best? Think as him, and maybe, think as God.

For financial problem, maybe I could use an advice given to another person and share my experience to you.

I understand what you are trying to say....and I do know where he is (but don't assume all of us had Christian husbands...some may find it hard to know where their spouse is today). I also know where my husband is not...he is not at my kid's ball games, he is not watching them grow up, he is not helping me make the hard decisions that come with parenting, he is not in my bed, he is not available to hold me when I have had a bad day or feel my confidence falling, he is not running interference between his mother and me, he is not..... And to believe that this is God's best for me, that means being alone is what God finds best for me (I don't believe that even if I do believe this is within God's will). And it is impossible to believe that growing up without a great father who loved them very much is God's best for my kids...in His plan, ok...not His best. They really have very few memories of him...and my daughter is about to cross to the point that she has been without a father longer than she had one at age 20.

This is where it is important to learn when to give advice and when to just pray for someone and hold their hand. My prayer for you is that you never have to be at the point where you can give advice in this situation.
 
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rainbowpromise

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Why do Christian widows and widowers pretend that they are "fine" and give Bible verses as if they erase the pain of this journey instead of being open and honest about the real struggles both in society and emotionally?
In my case I am "fine". The struggle with cancer was long and hard. God prepared me beforehand with a series of smaller struggles and a clear instruction gained through daily devotional time. At the moment that my husband died I felt relieved for his suffering and because I had done all that I could.

The most help I got was on a forum where people expressed their pain along with their victories (example: I was able to buy yogurt at "our" grocery store for the first time without breaking down).
I still have moments of tears for the oddest reasons. I find it odd that I have no problem in the house that we have shared for more than 20 years and yet driving by the apartment we lived in when we first married was hard.
I think people come here for realness and understanding but usually get "advice" that downplays their pain or worse comes from someone who imagines they knows what it feels like. Often the end result is feeling even more lonely because "there must be something wrong with me that I am still struggling and everyone else seems to have their life together."
I thought there was something wrong with me because I am not struggling like two of my friends who also lost their husband's this past summer. In fact I have been there for them. the only thing I couldn't handle was open casket at the one friend's funeral. I knew my husband would be there in less than 6 months and couldn't face it. Turns out my husband only lasted another month.

At 10 years, I am living my life....my kids are mostly thriving and are young adults that I am proud of (more thanks to God than thanks to me). However, I doubt that a day goes by that I don't think about my husband and miss him and hurt because I am alone. I struggle with why God thinks I am okay being alone even though I do see His hand in my life daily. I smile. I get my need to care for people through my work. However, I miss feeling happy. I am learning to accept that God never promised happiness on this side of death but I still miss it. Anyone else want a place to be real without others assuming that there is something wrong with our Christian walk?

I'm glad you see God in your daily life.

I am looking forward to a new grandchild, perhaps due near my husband's birthdate. I will face that when I get there. I doubt that I will face it with sadness because it is a new life.
I am keeping it real and making decisions slowly so that I don't get bogged down.
 
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blackribbon

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In my case I am "fine". The struggle with cancer was long and hard. God prepared me beforehand with a series of smaller struggles and a clear instruction gained through daily devotional time. At the moment that my husband died I felt relieved for his suffering and because I had done all that I could.


I still have moments of tears for the oddest reasons. I find it odd that I have no problem in the house that we have shared for more than 20 years and yet driving by the apartment we lived in when we first married was hard.

I thought there was something wrong with me because I am not struggling like two of my friends who also lost their husband's this past summer. In fact I have been there for them. the only thing I couldn't handle was open casket at the one friend's funeral. I knew my husband would be there in less than 6 months and couldn't face it. Turns out my husband only lasted another month.



I'm glad you see God in your daily life.

I am looking forward to a new grandchild, perhaps due near my husband's birthdate. I will face that when I get there. I doubt that I will face it with sadness because it is a new life.
I am keeping it real and making decisions slowly so that I don't get bogged down.

A new baby is a joy, even on the darkest day. Don't go looking for the sadness. Maybe you will be spared. Maybe a lot of mine has more to do with the stage we were in life...we had a 9 and 11 year old and in spite of the pain, he wasn't ready to miss out of them growing up. Our 20 year old has now lived more of her life without her daddy than she had him....and my son is close to crossing that mark. I have learned to accept it but there is a lot of grief still watching them grow up and doing it alone. I am facing an empty nest ... and instead of it being a joyful time of getting each other to ourselves again...it will just be me. My life doesn't look anything like I once dreamed it would look like. I don't even think I recognize myself anymore.
 
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rainbowpromise

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In my heart I know that had I lost my husband when the kids were young it would have been hard. Mine are 41, 39, 35, and the twins are 33. My grandchildren are 22, 6, 4, and one on the way.
It gave me a moment of grief when my daughter announced her pregnancy, but there is something I did when my husband was going through chemo. I took notes, asked him questions, and plan to write a book for the grandkids so they can see who Gramps was before he got sick.
The four year old aptly told us "Gramps is always sick." That spurred me on to the idea. Since I write fiction novels, why can't I write about my husband's life?
I'm not quite ready, but soon.
I should have an empty nest but I have two still here. We treat each other more like room mates than me being the mom. Sometimes we even go out together. I was my daughter's plus one for her work Christmas party and I was her's when her workplace had a party. Then my son and I work in the same place and her workplace hired him to run karaoke for theirs.
Speaking of work, I have to get going.
 
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blackribbon

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At 10 years, I think I still grieve the dreams that didn't happen, things like retirement plans and being a couple again. I also grieve that no matter how much we do talk about daddy, he isn't more than a faded memory to his much loved kids. It also hits me hard that he will be forever 41 even though he would 50 now if he had lived. He is forever young and I am just getting old...being both mom and dad means I spend more time struggling than making memories with my kids. It is hard to be present when you are always stressed and exhausted.
 
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rainbowpromise

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At 10 years, I think I still grieve the dreams that didn't happen, things like retirement plans and being a couple again. I also grieve that no matter how much we do talk about daddy, he isn't more than a faded memory to his much loved kids. It also hits me hard that he will be forever 41 even though he would 50 now if he had lived. He is forever young and I am just getting old...being both mom and dad means I spend more time struggling than making memories with my kids. It is hard to be present when you are always stressed and exhausted.

I was raised by a single mom. I saw her struggle.
She is 80 now. Her 18th grandchild was born last summer and her 19th great-grandchild will be born in a few months. She is active in her church. And now I am free to go and stay with her when she needs me most. Not yet, but it won't be long.
 
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