I feel trapped

Musician4Jesus

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This is a long post, and I am sorry it's so long.

I don't work; I have chronic depression and have struggled with it since I was 17 (will be 35 this Saturday). At first it was mild, but gradually became worse, to the point that it's now chronic, and is now severe enough that I can't hold down a FT job because of it.

Since I can't work, I receive SSDI and have been on it for about 8-10 years. It frustrates me that I am on it, mainly because it's the main source of income for those who cannot work, and yet it's not even enough to live off of. My annual income is less than 10k a year; yes I can get supplemental income, however if you make too much, it's either reduced or taken away completely.

I have tried incessantly to try and get off of it, but the reality is I have no qualifications. I have realized that if you don't have any qualifications then in order to acquire them the job you're at has to be giving you qualifications while you're employed there, otherwise you'll just be stuck taking another menial job, and such jobs don't provide enough income to live off of.

However to FURTHER complicate things half the jobs that are supposed to give you qualifications so you can get out of menial work and get a better job, you need qualifications for the jobs that are SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU QUALIFICATIONS TO GET A BETTER JOB.

Yes I could go back to school; however going to school doesn't give me hands-on practical experience in the career field. Add to that I have aspergers, and getting qualifications aren't going to make the communication issues go away; to make things more fun, most of the time people with Aspergers aren't seen as an asset, but as a liability and most of the time employers are unwilling/reluctant to hire them as a result.

Everything just seems impossible, I feel so trapped. I am so angry with God; he knew I would be born with is disability, and I didn't get any say in it. To add insult to injury, I didn't get early intervention with it when I was a kid, and that's what is supposed to happen when you have aspergers to mitigate the difficulties/hardships it causes. Since that didn't happen, the communication and cognitive skills were never addressed, and my interpersonal skills SUCK.

I am not blaming God and I seriously don't need to be accused of doing that. If I were blaming God, I'd say 'it's His fault that I have aspergers' and I didn't say that, all I did was address that he allowed it to happen, which is just being honest.

Whenever I try talking to God about this I just get angry and sad and break down and cry. I don't know how to get past this. I am just angry because I was born with a chronic mental disability I didn't ask for that effects every aspect of my life, and NOT in a good way. To make things more fun, Christians often say that when I say 'it effects every aspect of my life', most of them immediately jump to the conclusion that I am being defeatist, when that's not true, it's the reality of having Aspergers.

It just seems impossible that I will ever get out of poverty, that the only reason I exist is to endure pain, sorrow, and to just be treated like I don't exist. I don't know how to believe things will get better, that there's more to life than just this, because I've been in poverty my entire adult life. I see others in my church who have normal lives, who live on their own; they're not rich, but they don't have a clue what it's like to be in poverty either, because they're not living off less than 10k annually. I don't know what their annual income is, but many of the people who go to my church spend a portion of their year here, and a portion of their year living in a warmer climate. This makes me even less receptive to trusting Him, and makes me even more angry with Him. Yes there are those who have no income, but what makes me so angry is the income he has provided to me is not enough to live off. The reality is when you're income is 10k-15k a year and you live in the United States, from a financial standpoint you're destitute.

To me that tells me that they're income is good enough that they're not in poverty; being in poverty doesn't allow you to do that.

God has proven himself faithful, but the reality is I just don't trust him. I just can't force myself to trust Him when I don't. I cannot force myself to have faith when it's hanging on by a frayed thread. It's currently to the point in my life where I'm doubting everything I've ever believed as a Christian and regarding God, and I've been a Christian for literally half my life.

I am tired of struggling just to get by.There are so many barriers to getting out of poverty, and they're overwhelming; everything just seems impossible.

 
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anna ~ grace

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Some people are genuinely disabled, friend. Some folks are able to work, others are not. Some people, like me, have very limited things that they can do. That is ok.

God uses and loves dearly folks with disabilities. Being or not being able to do certain things won't matter in eternity. When I feel bummed out over where I'm at vs. where other people my age or younger are at, I bring the focus back to Christ. I can follow Him where I am. I may be shy and awkward, but God can still use me, and it's ok.
 
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Musician4Jesus

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I don't have a problem with being disabled, it's society that does. I accept that I have a disability; I don't like it, I hate it, but I've accepted that I have disability.
Sadly there is loads of stigma with having a disability even in mainstream Christian culture. The main problem I have isn't the disability itself, but that I am tired of struggling just to get by.
 
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anna ~ grace

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I don't have a problem with being disabled, it's society that does. I accept that I have a disability; I don't like it, I hate it, but I've accepted that I have disability.
Sadly there is loads of stigma with having a disability even in mainstream Christian culture. The main problem I have isn't the disability itself, but that I am tired of struggling just to get by.
10k a year is definitely barely enough to not be homeless. I used to earn that much, and had to support two adults on it. It was very hard. We had no heat in the Winter, had our phone and internet disconnected, and could never drive anywhere. I spent a lot of time reading, mostly the Bible. My prayer life was better back then, too. It took a toll, though. Physically.

I had force myself to not hate people who could afford milk. Are you on food stamps / SNAP? That helped us.
 
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Undercover_mormon

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I'm not gonna blame ya, frankly, i'm only a 20 something, but i grew up in a household (and still partially am) where my mother raised my and my sisters alone for the most part, struggling to get a job and strugguling to even buy bread, i remember cutting down the milk 30-70 to 40-60 (almost half and half) with water just so milk for the morning would last a little longer, i remember having some months our water being shut down due to 2, 3 months of unpayed service, and others our electricity or internet connection... all this to say, I partially understand, since we lived with 10k or a bit less too but i cant understand a mental of physical ability.

Brother i'm not gonna simply say "God has a plan for all of us" because even if being true, you probably have heard it, and it wont offer much confort, what I can say is, this is only a time, only a short while and our Lord has much better in store for us.

Also, please, talk to your pastor, sometimes they can help, when my pastor got wind of our struggles, even if of my whole family only I attended any church, he offered me the church's help, a month's worth of pasta, flour, sugar, cans and other stuff. sure, it might not be glorious, but that little help takes a little bit of the strain from your income.

Also, talk to him and ask him to talk to the congregation, and you should too, maybe ask him to go to the front and speak, tell the congregation, they are supposed to be your brothers, one might know of a position that you could fill, or maybe one has a spare room or an apartment you might rent for less of what you pay now, who knows.

You say you are in the US, I know you might be on the older spectrum, and even if I dont agree with the military, try talking with a recuirter, he might make some magic and allow you to enlist, it wont solve all your problems, but for 4 to 8 years, you might not even have to think about housing, or where your next paycheck comes from, plus they will give you good skills, even if it means working security later on (but with the number of jobs you can do, you might end up being a mechanic or an office worker filing paperwork). definetly not the best solution, but it is one. talk to a recruiter, the army is going to be waay less harsh than the marines, and the airforce has pretty strict regulations regarding intelligence and mental disabilities, not saying you are dumb, but even people with no mental issues manytimes arent smart enough for the airforce.

Are you mad at God? then scream at Him, scream your lungs out, He is our father, if there's someone that can take it is Him. A good father is there to take the blame even when not deserved, and to listen to an angry or sad son all day long, and He is the perfect father. Scream at Him, yell, take it out, because at the end of the day, Jesus said he was there for us to exactly take on our burdens.

other than this brother, remember always that its our fault that we suffer. I dont mean it in a "you did something" or "your parents or someone close did something to deserve it", but rather, it was humans who brought on evil to this world, not Him. Each time we struggle here at my house, I only Curse the devil more, I only curse my own fallen nature more, and I embrace God's holyness even more. Jesus said our lives wouldnt be easy, for you, thats your cross to carry, for some, its stones or bullets that they shoot at them for confessing Jesus as Lord, for others, its loosing eyesight or maybe a loved one, we all have different crosses to bear. Some will be heavier, thats why we are tought to always bear one another's burdens. A cool note, that passage, where it says each one should carry his own weight, but later says we should carry each other's burden, the word weight means "a fair and just weight" its like saying "what we all carry" while "burden" its an "unfair, an excessive, a overly heavy weight" so we should each one carry our "fair weight" ie what is common to all (ie, dont be slackers) but we should help when a brother is dealt a seriously bad hand like you and so many others.


Brother, as a final note, i'm no counselor, this is what came to my mind, I'd encourage you to seek also professional counsel, wether through your church, through a government sponsored institution, or a NGO.
I can only Hope and pray that this was helpful, and that God, our hevenly, fair, and allpowerful father might give you all the blessings that you havent recieved.
 
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Messerve

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I can tell you are good at writing... Consider writing a book to earn some extra income. Use your imagination to create a story with fun characters and deep content. :) Maybe it could be a book of short stories or something.

I don't have the degree of depression or Asperger's you have, but I do have recurring depression which makes me want to destroy every relationship I have and isolate myself from the world completely. I can tell when it's coming on and I can brace myself for it, kind of, but it's still hard and robs me of energy.

Also, like with Asperger's, I am completely unable to tell the difference between feelings and thoughts... I recently composed an eight part symphony and shared it with my family. When it finished, they asked me how I felt about the final results, and... I couldn't answer! The only way I can identify the emotion I'm feeling is by working my way through my thought processes leading up to that moment. Then I can say if I'm happy or sad or whatever. But people don't understand why it's so hard to just say how I feel. And I agree... it's kind of weird.

Anyway, I do understand a little of what you're going through and I understand why a job would be hard to hold down. I would suggest you identify your favorite hobby and pour your energy into that until you are exceptionally good at it. Almost anything can make you money eventually if you pursue it long enough.

If you write music, I don't think it's terribly hard to get your music up on a place like Amazon for sale. And then all you have to do is tell people about it and let them decide to buy it or not. I would suggest, though, that you do compare your music to professionally published music and improve your own until it's comparable before you try to sell. You want to give the best first impression possible.

Anyway, don't give up hope. As long as you have Jesus, you aren't trapped.
 
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Messerve

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Oh, and I know exactly what you mean about even in the church disability is something kind of looked down on. When I went through a very painful issue with my eye last year, I really didn't feel like I could tell anyone about it. I did have to tell my employers, and they began watching me very carefully to see if I was improving. At one point I finally was improving and I told them that, but it wasn't obvious externally. So my employers got suspicious of me! :sigh:

Only a couple people at church ever knew what I was going through. I didn't want to be labeled as "disabled" and have people start avoiding me... Sometimes I think it just makes people uncomfortable because they can't relate and don't know what to say that won't be hurtful.
 
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Tharseo

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This is a long post, and I am sorry it's so long.

I don't work; I have chronic depression and have struggled with it since I was 17 (will be 35 this Saturday). At first it was mild, but gradually became worse, to the point that it's now chronic, and is now severe enough that I can't hold down a FT job because of it.

Since I can't work, I receive SSDI and have been on it for about 8-10 years. It frustrates me that I am on it, mainly because it's the main source of income for those who cannot work, and yet it's not even enough to live off of. My annual income is less than 10k a year; yes I can get supplemental income, however if you make too much, it's either reduced or taken away completely.

I have tried incessantly to try and get off of it, but the reality is I have no qualifications. I have realized that if you don't have any qualifications then in order to acquire them the job you're at has to be giving you qualifications while you're employed there, otherwise you'll just be stuck taking another menial job, and such jobs don't provide enough income to live off of.

However to FURTHER complicate things half the jobs that are supposed to give you qualifications so you can get out of menial work and get a better job, you need qualifications for the jobs that are SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU QUALIFICATIONS TO GET A BETTER JOB.

Yes I could go back to school; however going to school doesn't give me hands-on practical experience in the career field. Add to that I have aspergers, and getting qualifications aren't going to make the communication issues go away; to make things more fun, most of the time people with Aspergers aren't seen as an asset, but as a liability and most of the time employers are unwilling/reluctant to hire them as a result.

Everything just seems impossible, I feel so trapped. I am so angry with God; he knew I would be born with is disability, and I didn't get any say in it. To add insult to injury, I didn't get early intervention with it when I was a kid, and that's what is supposed to happen when you have aspergers to mitigate the difficulties/hardships it causes. Since that didn't happen, the communication and cognitive skills were never addressed, and my interpersonal skills SUCK.

I am not blaming God and I seriously don't need to be accused of doing that. If I were blaming God, I'd say 'it's His fault that I have aspergers' and I didn't say that, all I did was address that he allowed it to happen, which is just being honest.

Whenever I try talking to God about this I just get angry and sad and break down and cry. I don't know how to get past this. I am just angry because I was born with a chronic mental disability I didn't ask for that effects every aspect of my life, and NOT in a good way. To make things more fun, Christians often say that when I say 'it effects every aspect of my life', most of them immediately jump to the conclusion that I am being defeatist, when that's not true, it's the reality of having Aspergers.

It just seems impossible that I will ever get out of poverty, that the only reason I exist is to endure pain, sorrow, and to just be treated like I don't exist. I don't know how to believe things will get better, that there's more to life than just this, because I've been in poverty my entire adult life. I see others in my church who have normal lives, who live on their own; they're not rich, but they don't have a clue what it's like to be in poverty either, because they're not living off less than 10k annually. I don't know what their annual income is, but many of the people who go to my church spend a portion of their year here, and a portion of their year living in a warmer climate. This makes me even less receptive to trusting Him, and makes me even more angry with Him. Yes there are those who have no income, but what makes me so angry is the income he has provided to me is not enough to live off. The reality is when you're income is 10k-15k a year and you live in the United States, from a financial standpoint you're destitute.

To me that tells me that they're income is good enough that they're not in poverty; being in poverty doesn't allow you to do that.

God has proven himself faithful, but the reality is I just don't trust him. I just can't force myself to trust Him when I don't. I cannot force myself to have faith when it's hanging on by a frayed thread. It's currently to the point in my life where I'm doubting everything I've ever believed as a Christian and regarding God, and I've been a Christian for literally half my life.

I am tired of struggling just to get by.There are so many barriers to getting out of poverty, and they're overwhelming; everything just seems impossible.

I almost feel like crying now when reading your post. I could not help you with the situation you are in, but I guess I could help you in spirit.

Luke 6:20: ... Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God.
Luke 6:24: "But woe to you who are rich, for you have received your consolation.

I am never rich, neither is my church. In the past in China, many of us are poor and some are illiterate. Also, churches have had a really difficult time, since the government oppresses the truth (though it is getting much better these days). The government confiscated properties and accused some of us for illegal gathering. Our church had spent all our money to help brothers and sisters and other people who are in dire needs. We were so poor that we can't even afford a place to gather. We have to rent a really small place and pray for the supplies from God.

But we are, on the other hand, so rich, that we are able to help countless people in need. I would share a personal experience of a brother. He had studied in UK with a student visa (he met God there and quit his illegal job). He had very little income for two years, since he was not allowed work for too many hours a week and his family cannot support him. But he had so much that he was able to give half of his yearly tuition fee to another brother in need, yet he sometimes didn't know what he was going to eat on the next day. God supplied him with all he needs. He never skipped a meal.

2 Corinthians 6:9-10
as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.

Never look forward to be rich. Rather, look forward to be poor. I say this literally, because it is what we believe, that God supplies us if we give up our money and our desire for money. I do not mean that a person should not get a job or should not work hard, nor I am saying it is wrong to have a lot of money. Rather, do not seek on your own to earn more money. God will give you and guide you to find ways to satisfy your needs, if you seek first His kingdom but not your own needs.

Matthew 6:31-33
Therefore do not be anxious, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

And do not compare with your fellow brothers and sisters. Being poor is blessed by God, so that you may experience His love and know how to wait upon God. I guess I am never being in extreme poverty, but I hope that you eyes could be opened, that you may see the spiritual gain to be poor and to rely on God. Wait God to help you to endure the trial He has put you into.
 
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sea5763

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I’m on SSI for having schizophrenia. I agree that even in Christian culture it carries a huge stigma especially if it is for mental illness rather than physical illness. I don’t tell people that I’m on SSI or that I have schizophrenia. I told my ex in the beginning when I first got diagnosed and he went from wanting to marry me to just wanting phone sex and assuming I was some sort of ax murderer. I stopped talking to him after that.

I thought about becoming a professional truck driver after my diagnosis because you don’t have to pay rent you just live in your truck and you don’t need an education just to pass a couple of driving tests and go get a little bit of training. It would have been a disaster because I realized I have a phobia of driving but not for others. Maybe you could consider it but you probably already have. I’ve managed because of antipsychotics to go back to school and financially things are looking better for me in the future.

I’m sorry you’re suffering. I’ve had thoughts about suicide since my diagnosis and it often came from fearing becoming homeless even on SSI in the future and being abused on the streets. You are strong for going through what you’re going through.
 
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YanKee Gal

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I agree with one another person here who said you write very well. You do express yourself beautifully. Have you thought of contacting the Aspberger's foundation to write articles for them? And they can give you the reference you need. That is a start. From there it can mushroom. I will be praying for you. ~ Blessings
 
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UnprofitableServant

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I am so angry with God; he knew I would be born with is disability, and I didn't get any say in it.
I am sorry for the disability you have.
This statement shows that you are blaming God. I know you said you don't want to be accused of doing that, but you are. If not, then why are you angry at God? Since He allowed it to happen, then you could also feel like He could have prevented it. Is that how you feel?

I don't have an answer that will help solve this for you, but what I do think will help is you being honest with yourself. This will help with the healing process for you.
If you can say," God I am angry at you for allowing me to have this illness because you didn't do anything to help me with it." If you can see that this is how you truly feel, then God can work with you from this point.

If you try to start from any other point, then you won't be resolving what really needs to be resolved (i.e., your anger with God).

In peace
 
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bèlla

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Perhaps the answer is in this thread. Start a blog about living with a disability as a Christian. As you've seen you're not alone. You are living your message.
  • WordPress is free. Start with that.
  • Visit ProBlogger and do what he says on that page.
  • You can set up a Patreon account.
  • Sign up as an Amazon affiliate when the site is live.
  • Sign up for a Pinterest business account. Design your boards as one-stop resource for disabled Christians.
  • Share your posts on Facebook and other social media platforms.
  • Use Later to schedule your social media posts. It's free.
  • Offer to write guest posts for other Christian blogs.
  • Volunteer to appear on Christian podcasts.
  • Write freelance articles. Visit FundsforWriters and get their free newsletter.
  • Write an eBook and sell it on your site and on Amazon.
Send me your link when you're live. I know a lot of Christian bloggers. God always has a ram in the bush. :)
 
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You can get delivered! Have you seen Mark Hemans on youtube? People have been delivered from the spirits of Aspergers and depression.

Remember, God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. Anything...literally ANYTHING robbing us of what God gave us is from the enemy.

Definitely look up Mark Hemans and ho to one of his meetings! Believe God for your deliverance!!! If you cannot go physically you can call John Zavlaris Ministries or tweet @prophet_lass for prayer.
 
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anna ~ grace

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You can get delivered! Have you seen Mark Hemans on youtube? People have been delivered from the spirits of Aspergers and depression.

Remember, God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind. Anything...literally ANYTHING robbing us of what God gave us is from the enemy.

Definitely look up Mark Hemans and ho to one of his meetings! Believe God for your deliverance!!! If you cannot go physically you can call John Zavlaris Ministries or tweet @prophet_lass for prayer.
I'm sorry, but I don't buy this. I struggle with depression, and may well be mildly autistic. I used to take the attitude that Christians, good Christians, had no mental health problems what so ever. I am beginning to sense that this may not be true. At all.

God has delivered me from a lot, through faith in Christ. A lot. But I still have bad days. That doesn't mean that I'm not a Christian, not being saved, not on the right track. We all struggle with something. Sometimes the struggle is a part, a hard part, of our journey with Christ. But a part which helps make us more like Him. He promises to give us crosses. Not to take all of them away. And He promises to give us strength, grace, help, and mercy along the way.
 
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