This is a long post, and I am sorry it's so long.
I don't work; I have chronic depression and have struggled with it since I was 17 (will be 35 this Saturday). At first it was mild, but gradually became worse, to the point that it's now chronic, and is now severe enough that I can't hold down a FT job because of it.
Since I can't work, I receive SSDI and have been on it for about 8-10 years. It frustrates me that I am on it, mainly because it's the main source of income for those who cannot work, and yet it's not even enough to live off of. My annual income is less than 10k a year; yes I can get supplemental income, however if you make too much, it's either reduced or taken away completely.
I have tried incessantly to try and get off of it, but the reality is I have no qualifications. I have realized that if you don't have any qualifications then in order to acquire them the job you're at has to be giving you qualifications while you're employed there, otherwise you'll just be stuck taking another menial job, and such jobs don't provide enough income to live off of.
However to FURTHER complicate things half the jobs that are supposed to give you qualifications so you can get out of menial work and get a better job, you need qualifications for the jobs that are SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU QUALIFICATIONS TO GET A BETTER JOB.
Yes I could go back to school; however going to school doesn't give me hands-on practical experience in the career field. Add to that I have aspergers, and getting qualifications aren't going to make the communication issues go away; to make things more fun, most of the time people with Aspergers aren't seen as an asset, but as a liability and most of the time employers are unwilling/reluctant to hire them as a result.
Everything just seems impossible, I feel so trapped. I am so angry with God; he knew I would be born with is disability, and I didn't get any say in it. To add insult to injury, I didn't get early intervention with it when I was a kid, and that's what is supposed to happen when you have aspergers to mitigate the difficulties/hardships it causes. Since that didn't happen, the communication and cognitive skills were never addressed, and my interpersonal skills SUCK.
I am not blaming God and I seriously don't need to be accused of doing that. If I were blaming God, I'd say 'it's His fault that I have aspergers' and I didn't say that, all I did was address that he allowed it to happen, which is just being honest.
Whenever I try talking to God about this I just get angry and sad and break down and cry. I don't know how to get past this. I am just angry because I was born with a chronic mental disability I didn't ask for that effects every aspect of my life, and NOT in a good way. To make things more fun, Christians often say that when I say 'it effects every aspect of my life', most of them immediately jump to the conclusion that I am being defeatist, when that's not true, it's the reality of having Aspergers.
It just seems impossible that I will ever get out of poverty, that the only reason I exist is to endure pain, sorrow, and to just be treated like I don't exist. I don't know how to believe things will get better, that there's more to life than just this, because I've been in poverty my entire adult life. I see others in my church who have normal lives, who live on their own; they're not rich, but they don't have a clue what it's like to be in poverty either, because they're not living off less than 10k annually. I don't know what their annual income is, but many of the people who go to my church spend a portion of their year here, and a portion of their year living in a warmer climate. This makes me even less receptive to trusting Him, and makes me even more angry with Him. Yes there are those who have no income, but what makes me so angry is the income he has provided to me is not enough to live off. The reality is when you're income is 10k-15k a year and you live in the United States, from a financial standpoint you're destitute.
To me that tells me that they're income is good enough that they're not in poverty; being in poverty doesn't allow you to do that.
God has proven himself faithful, but the reality is I just don't trust him. I just can't force myself to trust Him when I don't. I cannot force myself to have faith when it's hanging on by a frayed thread. It's currently to the point in my life where I'm doubting everything I've ever believed as a Christian and regarding God, and I've been a Christian for literally half my life.
I am tired of struggling just to get by.There are so many barriers to getting out of poverty, and they're overwhelming; everything just seems impossible.
I don't work; I have chronic depression and have struggled with it since I was 17 (will be 35 this Saturday). At first it was mild, but gradually became worse, to the point that it's now chronic, and is now severe enough that I can't hold down a FT job because of it.
Since I can't work, I receive SSDI and have been on it for about 8-10 years. It frustrates me that I am on it, mainly because it's the main source of income for those who cannot work, and yet it's not even enough to live off of. My annual income is less than 10k a year; yes I can get supplemental income, however if you make too much, it's either reduced or taken away completely.
I have tried incessantly to try and get off of it, but the reality is I have no qualifications. I have realized that if you don't have any qualifications then in order to acquire them the job you're at has to be giving you qualifications while you're employed there, otherwise you'll just be stuck taking another menial job, and such jobs don't provide enough income to live off of.
However to FURTHER complicate things half the jobs that are supposed to give you qualifications so you can get out of menial work and get a better job, you need qualifications for the jobs that are SUPPOSED TO GIVE YOU QUALIFICATIONS TO GET A BETTER JOB.
Yes I could go back to school; however going to school doesn't give me hands-on practical experience in the career field. Add to that I have aspergers, and getting qualifications aren't going to make the communication issues go away; to make things more fun, most of the time people with Aspergers aren't seen as an asset, but as a liability and most of the time employers are unwilling/reluctant to hire them as a result.
Everything just seems impossible, I feel so trapped. I am so angry with God; he knew I would be born with is disability, and I didn't get any say in it. To add insult to injury, I didn't get early intervention with it when I was a kid, and that's what is supposed to happen when you have aspergers to mitigate the difficulties/hardships it causes. Since that didn't happen, the communication and cognitive skills were never addressed, and my interpersonal skills SUCK.
I am not blaming God and I seriously don't need to be accused of doing that. If I were blaming God, I'd say 'it's His fault that I have aspergers' and I didn't say that, all I did was address that he allowed it to happen, which is just being honest.
Whenever I try talking to God about this I just get angry and sad and break down and cry. I don't know how to get past this. I am just angry because I was born with a chronic mental disability I didn't ask for that effects every aspect of my life, and NOT in a good way. To make things more fun, Christians often say that when I say 'it effects every aspect of my life', most of them immediately jump to the conclusion that I am being defeatist, when that's not true, it's the reality of having Aspergers.
It just seems impossible that I will ever get out of poverty, that the only reason I exist is to endure pain, sorrow, and to just be treated like I don't exist. I don't know how to believe things will get better, that there's more to life than just this, because I've been in poverty my entire adult life. I see others in my church who have normal lives, who live on their own; they're not rich, but they don't have a clue what it's like to be in poverty either, because they're not living off less than 10k annually. I don't know what their annual income is, but many of the people who go to my church spend a portion of their year here, and a portion of their year living in a warmer climate. This makes me even less receptive to trusting Him, and makes me even more angry with Him. Yes there are those who have no income, but what makes me so angry is the income he has provided to me is not enough to live off. The reality is when you're income is 10k-15k a year and you live in the United States, from a financial standpoint you're destitute.
To me that tells me that they're income is good enough that they're not in poverty; being in poverty doesn't allow you to do that.
God has proven himself faithful, but the reality is I just don't trust him. I just can't force myself to trust Him when I don't. I cannot force myself to have faith when it's hanging on by a frayed thread. It's currently to the point in my life where I'm doubting everything I've ever believed as a Christian and regarding God, and I've been a Christian for literally half my life.
I am tired of struggling just to get by.There are so many barriers to getting out of poverty, and they're overwhelming; everything just seems impossible.
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