Hello,
I am new to this forum and a bit reluctant to post/share here. However, after events in my life over the past week or so, I am trying to reach out and get all the help I can.
I have been a Christian all my life. I've gone to church, prayed, believed in Christ. I am currently in school, and last semester, I experienced a fair amount of academic adversity. However, even in the midst of that adversity and as I became fearful about my future, I looked to God. I began to consider going into ministry in my future, perhaps even seminary. My faith grew tremendously, and I saw God's gifts everywhere around me. I have never felt closer to God than I did in this time.
However, about a month ago, I began to doubt my salvation. I am a Calvinist, and I believe that interpretation of the Bible is the most accurate. Of course, Calvinism states that we are either elect or not, and we have no choosing over this. I began to worry that I couldn't be assured of my salvation, and if not, I was going to Hell.
I must also mention that I have struggled with anxiety, OCD and depression since I was a young teen. I felt, at times, that this put me at odds with God, because of passages telling us not to worry, yet I continued to do so. These illnesses have a tremendous grip on me, and they change how I think and feel.
I have also struggled with an addiction to inappropriate contentography since I was an early teen. Though I am still reluctant to admit it is an addiction, it certainly is an idol in my life. I always tried to repent of this sin by asking God to forgive me and help me with self-control. However, time and time again, I fell back into the sin (though I was able to resist in the time when I felt my faith was strong and I was growing so much spiritually). I tried to give it up so many times, but haven't yet. Of course, this sin leads me into another when I try to cover it up - lying and deceit. So there's two significant sins in my life, among others.
Back to the story, though. This nagging doubt about my salvation began to grow in my mind. I started counseling, which I am still in. A week or so ago, I prayed to God that he would tear me down and break me to strip away my need for this sin. Perhaps that's what he's done now - why I'm here - but yesterday, everything just fell apart. I had been reading about doubting one's salvation online, and the common theme there (which is true) is that you will know you're saved if you have faith. However, the distinction is made between true faith and false faith. I've definitely had faith for my whole life, but how do I not know it was false faith? Online, everything I've read says true faith is evident by belief in Christ and a change of heart.
I was raised in the church and I've considered myself a Christian for my whole life. When others give their testimonies, they often talk about a "moment" when God changed them, they stopped whatever major sins they were committing, and they felt a change of heart. This talk about a change of heart has always bothered me, though, because I've always been a Christian. I clearly haven't had this monumental "change of heart" moment in my life. So that either means that I've always been saved, always had true faith, or that I have never had it and never will, since my faith would be false. This caused me to have a crisis of faith. I struggle in some areas where other Christians appear to be so strong, like setting aside time to read the bible or spreading the word to others. However, I generally think of myself as being quite strong in areas such as serving others and praying. But if I'm not the complete package, and if I continue to let my anxiety and sin get the better of me, does that mean I don't really believe the scriptures?
Here's where my mental illness comes in again. For those who haven't suffered from anxiety, depression, OCD, etc., this may sound weird or be hard to explain. But they hijack my life periodically and make it impossible to do certain things. They throw doubt in my mind constantly. I have low self-confidence, and I always worry too much about what others think of me. If this doesn't make sense yet, let me try to clear it up. Here are my current thoughts on what has happened:
First - what I hope for most of all - that my anxiety has found an area of my life that I consider so valuable and is attempting to destroy me from that angle. My OCD doesn't help, because it keeps telling me to make sure I really believe what I'm reading in the bible. I'm trying to force myself to have a "change of heart," because my anxiety is telling me that I haven't really been saved yet. I'm trying to feel something different, but of course that's difficult, if not impossible to do. This will be extremely hard to overcome, but it is possible, and this would mean I am saved and I do have true faith. I pray to God that this is the answer to what is wrong with me.
But here are the other thoughts going on in my head: first, I worry that I don't truly believe what I'm reading because I haven't had this "change of heart," and therefore I have false faith and am not saved.
Another thing I worry about is that, by continuing in my sin even though I have been saved, I have committed the one unforgivable sin. I have asked for forgiveness nearly nightly, but what if I don't REALLY mean what I'm praying? I try to put everything I have into these prayers, but what if that isn't enough? What happens when I know I'm going to mess up again? Yesterday, I sinned again, and I vowed I'd never do it again. But then today, I did it again. Am I addicted, or am I just waging war on God?
There isn't one main question here, I don't think, but I will ask a few things, if you've continued to read this far (thank you and God bless you to those who have):
Please pray for me. No matter what the source of this evil in my life is, the power of prayer will be needed to overcome it.
What do you think is the source of my anxiety that I am not saved or that I do not believe? Should I truly be worried, or is this God's answer to my prayer to make me low and break me from this sin? I recognize my need to repent. Unfortunately, I love my sin. I also hate my sin. Have I committed the unforgivable sin, and if so, what do I do now?
Over the past 24 hours or so, I have been overcome by depression, anxiety, fear, distress, you name it. Whenever I would experience feelings like this before, I always leaned on God to bring me out of my sorrows. But if He hasn't saved me, is there nothing that can be done? Am I simply damned to hell for eternity? I pray that this isn't the case, but my greatest fear is that it is.
Yesterday was the worst day of my life, until today. Things haven't gotten better yet. I'm afraid that, if I don't continue to think about this, I'll lose all desire for God at all. In fact, my anxiety is whispering to me at every moment that I don't desire God and that I don't have true faith. At least, I hope it's simply my anxiety - otherwise I truly have fallen away.
I know that doubt is an essential part of the Christian experience. But I've never had much doubt in my life, and definitely not to this extreme. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I am now questioning the thing that was the most important aspect of my existence for my entire life. Now that my anxiety and fear have a hold on this, can I ever break free?
I know that the best thing to do is to persevere. But now that I think that, my anxiety has grasped this, too, and I'm afraid I'll lose the desire even for that. Every stone I turn over, anxiety sits underneath. I've cried so much the past day. I've called hotlines on the phone, none of which have been of much/any help. I've prayed to God to take me out of this pit of despair, but if I'm not saved, or if I've strayed too far from God, or if I don't have true faith, or if I'm not a doubter but an unbeliever, this prayer won't work. I hear the whisper in my brain that my prayers won't be heard anymore.
I've never experienced depression in the way that I do now. But I'm also afraid of coming out of my depression, because I fear that would mean I've accepted a new life where Christ isn't the center, and then my world would be over. I've even thought of ending my life, which would've been unthinkable even a month ago. With all the depression I've experienced in my life, it's never gone THAT far before, and it really scares me.
Please help. Please pray. I'm sorry for being so long-winded. I just don't know what else to do or where else to turn.
I am new to this forum and a bit reluctant to post/share here. However, after events in my life over the past week or so, I am trying to reach out and get all the help I can.
I have been a Christian all my life. I've gone to church, prayed, believed in Christ. I am currently in school, and last semester, I experienced a fair amount of academic adversity. However, even in the midst of that adversity and as I became fearful about my future, I looked to God. I began to consider going into ministry in my future, perhaps even seminary. My faith grew tremendously, and I saw God's gifts everywhere around me. I have never felt closer to God than I did in this time.
However, about a month ago, I began to doubt my salvation. I am a Calvinist, and I believe that interpretation of the Bible is the most accurate. Of course, Calvinism states that we are either elect or not, and we have no choosing over this. I began to worry that I couldn't be assured of my salvation, and if not, I was going to Hell.
I must also mention that I have struggled with anxiety, OCD and depression since I was a young teen. I felt, at times, that this put me at odds with God, because of passages telling us not to worry, yet I continued to do so. These illnesses have a tremendous grip on me, and they change how I think and feel.
I have also struggled with an addiction to inappropriate contentography since I was an early teen. Though I am still reluctant to admit it is an addiction, it certainly is an idol in my life. I always tried to repent of this sin by asking God to forgive me and help me with self-control. However, time and time again, I fell back into the sin (though I was able to resist in the time when I felt my faith was strong and I was growing so much spiritually). I tried to give it up so many times, but haven't yet. Of course, this sin leads me into another when I try to cover it up - lying and deceit. So there's two significant sins in my life, among others.
Back to the story, though. This nagging doubt about my salvation began to grow in my mind. I started counseling, which I am still in. A week or so ago, I prayed to God that he would tear me down and break me to strip away my need for this sin. Perhaps that's what he's done now - why I'm here - but yesterday, everything just fell apart. I had been reading about doubting one's salvation online, and the common theme there (which is true) is that you will know you're saved if you have faith. However, the distinction is made between true faith and false faith. I've definitely had faith for my whole life, but how do I not know it was false faith? Online, everything I've read says true faith is evident by belief in Christ and a change of heart.
I was raised in the church and I've considered myself a Christian for my whole life. When others give their testimonies, they often talk about a "moment" when God changed them, they stopped whatever major sins they were committing, and they felt a change of heart. This talk about a change of heart has always bothered me, though, because I've always been a Christian. I clearly haven't had this monumental "change of heart" moment in my life. So that either means that I've always been saved, always had true faith, or that I have never had it and never will, since my faith would be false. This caused me to have a crisis of faith. I struggle in some areas where other Christians appear to be so strong, like setting aside time to read the bible or spreading the word to others. However, I generally think of myself as being quite strong in areas such as serving others and praying. But if I'm not the complete package, and if I continue to let my anxiety and sin get the better of me, does that mean I don't really believe the scriptures?
Here's where my mental illness comes in again. For those who haven't suffered from anxiety, depression, OCD, etc., this may sound weird or be hard to explain. But they hijack my life periodically and make it impossible to do certain things. They throw doubt in my mind constantly. I have low self-confidence, and I always worry too much about what others think of me. If this doesn't make sense yet, let me try to clear it up. Here are my current thoughts on what has happened:
First - what I hope for most of all - that my anxiety has found an area of my life that I consider so valuable and is attempting to destroy me from that angle. My OCD doesn't help, because it keeps telling me to make sure I really believe what I'm reading in the bible. I'm trying to force myself to have a "change of heart," because my anxiety is telling me that I haven't really been saved yet. I'm trying to feel something different, but of course that's difficult, if not impossible to do. This will be extremely hard to overcome, but it is possible, and this would mean I am saved and I do have true faith. I pray to God that this is the answer to what is wrong with me.
But here are the other thoughts going on in my head: first, I worry that I don't truly believe what I'm reading because I haven't had this "change of heart," and therefore I have false faith and am not saved.
Another thing I worry about is that, by continuing in my sin even though I have been saved, I have committed the one unforgivable sin. I have asked for forgiveness nearly nightly, but what if I don't REALLY mean what I'm praying? I try to put everything I have into these prayers, but what if that isn't enough? What happens when I know I'm going to mess up again? Yesterday, I sinned again, and I vowed I'd never do it again. But then today, I did it again. Am I addicted, or am I just waging war on God?
There isn't one main question here, I don't think, but I will ask a few things, if you've continued to read this far (thank you and God bless you to those who have):
Please pray for me. No matter what the source of this evil in my life is, the power of prayer will be needed to overcome it.
What do you think is the source of my anxiety that I am not saved or that I do not believe? Should I truly be worried, or is this God's answer to my prayer to make me low and break me from this sin? I recognize my need to repent. Unfortunately, I love my sin. I also hate my sin. Have I committed the unforgivable sin, and if so, what do I do now?
Over the past 24 hours or so, I have been overcome by depression, anxiety, fear, distress, you name it. Whenever I would experience feelings like this before, I always leaned on God to bring me out of my sorrows. But if He hasn't saved me, is there nothing that can be done? Am I simply damned to hell for eternity? I pray that this isn't the case, but my greatest fear is that it is.
Yesterday was the worst day of my life, until today. Things haven't gotten better yet. I'm afraid that, if I don't continue to think about this, I'll lose all desire for God at all. In fact, my anxiety is whispering to me at every moment that I don't desire God and that I don't have true faith. At least, I hope it's simply my anxiety - otherwise I truly have fallen away.
I know that doubt is an essential part of the Christian experience. But I've never had much doubt in my life, and definitely not to this extreme. I feel like my life has just fallen apart. I am now questioning the thing that was the most important aspect of my existence for my entire life. Now that my anxiety and fear have a hold on this, can I ever break free?
I know that the best thing to do is to persevere. But now that I think that, my anxiety has grasped this, too, and I'm afraid I'll lose the desire even for that. Every stone I turn over, anxiety sits underneath. I've cried so much the past day. I've called hotlines on the phone, none of which have been of much/any help. I've prayed to God to take me out of this pit of despair, but if I'm not saved, or if I've strayed too far from God, or if I don't have true faith, or if I'm not a doubter but an unbeliever, this prayer won't work. I hear the whisper in my brain that my prayers won't be heard anymore.
I've never experienced depression in the way that I do now. But I'm also afraid of coming out of my depression, because I fear that would mean I've accepted a new life where Christ isn't the center, and then my world would be over. I've even thought of ending my life, which would've been unthinkable even a month ago. With all the depression I've experienced in my life, it's never gone THAT far before, and it really scares me.
Please help. Please pray. I'm sorry for being so long-winded. I just don't know what else to do or where else to turn.