Aw, man. Hello everyone. I am new to these great forums. To everyone who will take the time to help me during this crisis, may God bless you.
Where do I begin? To make a long story short; I've been married to a great woman for almost 8 years (anniversary on 12-31, coincidentally). My wife is 20 years my senior, as I am 33, and she is 53. The age difference? No worries, as none of our MANY problems have anything to do with our age difference. The fact of the matter is, we fell in love with each other, and that is all that matters.
However, we got married rather quick in our courtship, and I had some demons that I allowed to linger into the marriage. Quite simply, I wasn't ready for marriage, while she was. In the earlier part of our relationship/marriage, she treated me like a young king. She cooked for me, cleaned, did my laundry..and looked at me with beautiful, loving eyes. I was her man and she was proud to have me.
However, I didn't appreciate that. I didn't give her the same treatment in return. I took her for granted. There is a saying; "Treat her like a queen if you want that king treatment". Well, I didn't treat her like a queen. I lived a sinful, lustful life...getting myself involved in many un-Christianlike endeavors and behaviors. I was just plain living FOUL, and didn't deserve to have such a wonderful woman be called my wife.
Well, times have changed. Thanks to the grace of God, I've been forced to have an epiphany, and I've changed my mentality. However, as I've changed for the better, my wife has changed for the worse. She has pretty much told me that she will never go back to being the same woman that she once was; as that is how much I've scared her with my many transgressions. She has turned into a vile, evil person. She became a person that I found out to be a liar and completely unfair and unreasonable in her thinking. So in other words, she is no angel either.
But that is all just a very brief background of us. That isn't even what I am here for. You see, shortly before I met my wife, I was involved with another woman; of whom had my first and only child (my son). Because of the drama involved with my son's mother, I've only gotten a chance to see my son a total of 5 times in the 8 years of his life!!
My wife had originally stood by my side throughout all of the baby mama drama. As the years went by, I yearned more and more for the opportunity to be in my son's life. However, this would come at a cost...the cost of my marriage. My wife became completely resentful towards the whole situation and pretty much implied that if I was to get involved with my child's mother on account of my son, there will be problems between me and her (I told you guys she was unreasonable, right)?
So, why is my wife resentful? Well, the first reason is because we have some insecurities/trust issues in our marriage, and she tends to think that me and my child's mother will have a "thing" going on. The second reason is the fact that I acted resentful towards her grandchildren a longggg time ago (my wife has two adult children and grandchildren), so why should she welcome my son with open arms when I didn't do the same for her grandchildren (her logic).
It is true, I did act resentful towards her grandchildren a long time ago, but I've since gave a very sincere and genuine apology for the way that I acted, and now me and the grandchildren are the best buds. We play football, shoot hoops, play video games, etc. We have an excellent relationship now.
As far as the insecurities my wife have with me and my child's mother; I told her that there is nothing going on between me and her...and I even asked my wife to accompany me every single time I go pick up my son. Still not good enough.
So, in closing; I've spoken with family, friends, coworkers, etc...and they all keep telling me that I should take efforts to be in my son's life. However, I was always hesitant, because I knew that such actions would cause a rift between my wife and I, and I didn't want to lose her.
However, my mother convinced me to take a stand, and last night, I did. I told my wife, using a cool, calm, and collective tone, "Oh, I have something to tell you, and I am telling you this so you can't accuse me of sneaking or doing anything behind your back. At some point in 2019, I will take efforts to be in my son's life."
How did my wife respond?
Her: I don't care, go right ahead; be in that BASTARD'S life. Just know that I won't be apart of it.
This was followed by her calling my son all kinds of names (bastard, [homophobic names], punk), and pretty much telling me that she will mistreat him and such. She became EXTREMELY ANGRY, saying many hurtful things towards me AND my son.
A big argument ensued, and I stuck to my guns, telling her that I will be in my son's life, with or without her.
As of now, she is moving out..and a divorce is brewing. Just as I suspected; being in my son's life will come at a cost...losing my wife. I don't want to lose her, but I want to gain my son. It should NOT have to come to this, but unfortunately, it has. And despite how unfair and unreasonable I think she is, it still feels as if I am doing something wrong. Why do I feel this way?
What should I do? Please help.
God bless.
Where do I begin? To make a long story short; I've been married to a great woman for almost 8 years (anniversary on 12-31, coincidentally). My wife is 20 years my senior, as I am 33, and she is 53. The age difference? No worries, as none of our MANY problems have anything to do with our age difference. The fact of the matter is, we fell in love with each other, and that is all that matters.
However, we got married rather quick in our courtship, and I had some demons that I allowed to linger into the marriage. Quite simply, I wasn't ready for marriage, while she was. In the earlier part of our relationship/marriage, she treated me like a young king. She cooked for me, cleaned, did my laundry..and looked at me with beautiful, loving eyes. I was her man and she was proud to have me.
However, I didn't appreciate that. I didn't give her the same treatment in return. I took her for granted. There is a saying; "Treat her like a queen if you want that king treatment". Well, I didn't treat her like a queen. I lived a sinful, lustful life...getting myself involved in many un-Christianlike endeavors and behaviors. I was just plain living FOUL, and didn't deserve to have such a wonderful woman be called my wife.
Well, times have changed. Thanks to the grace of God, I've been forced to have an epiphany, and I've changed my mentality. However, as I've changed for the better, my wife has changed for the worse. She has pretty much told me that she will never go back to being the same woman that she once was; as that is how much I've scared her with my many transgressions. She has turned into a vile, evil person. She became a person that I found out to be a liar and completely unfair and unreasonable in her thinking. So in other words, she is no angel either.
But that is all just a very brief background of us. That isn't even what I am here for. You see, shortly before I met my wife, I was involved with another woman; of whom had my first and only child (my son). Because of the drama involved with my son's mother, I've only gotten a chance to see my son a total of 5 times in the 8 years of his life!!
My wife had originally stood by my side throughout all of the baby mama drama. As the years went by, I yearned more and more for the opportunity to be in my son's life. However, this would come at a cost...the cost of my marriage. My wife became completely resentful towards the whole situation and pretty much implied that if I was to get involved with my child's mother on account of my son, there will be problems between me and her (I told you guys she was unreasonable, right)?
So, why is my wife resentful? Well, the first reason is because we have some insecurities/trust issues in our marriage, and she tends to think that me and my child's mother will have a "thing" going on. The second reason is the fact that I acted resentful towards her grandchildren a longggg time ago (my wife has two adult children and grandchildren), so why should she welcome my son with open arms when I didn't do the same for her grandchildren (her logic).
It is true, I did act resentful towards her grandchildren a long time ago, but I've since gave a very sincere and genuine apology for the way that I acted, and now me and the grandchildren are the best buds. We play football, shoot hoops, play video games, etc. We have an excellent relationship now.
As far as the insecurities my wife have with me and my child's mother; I told her that there is nothing going on between me and her...and I even asked my wife to accompany me every single time I go pick up my son. Still not good enough.
So, in closing; I've spoken with family, friends, coworkers, etc...and they all keep telling me that I should take efforts to be in my son's life. However, I was always hesitant, because I knew that such actions would cause a rift between my wife and I, and I didn't want to lose her.
However, my mother convinced me to take a stand, and last night, I did. I told my wife, using a cool, calm, and collective tone, "Oh, I have something to tell you, and I am telling you this so you can't accuse me of sneaking or doing anything behind your back. At some point in 2019, I will take efforts to be in my son's life."
How did my wife respond?
Her: I don't care, go right ahead; be in that BASTARD'S life. Just know that I won't be apart of it.
This was followed by her calling my son all kinds of names (bastard, [homophobic names], punk), and pretty much telling me that she will mistreat him and such. She became EXTREMELY ANGRY, saying many hurtful things towards me AND my son.
A big argument ensued, and I stuck to my guns, telling her that I will be in my son's life, with or without her.
As of now, she is moving out..and a divorce is brewing. Just as I suspected; being in my son's life will come at a cost...losing my wife. I don't want to lose her, but I want to gain my son. It should NOT have to come to this, but unfortunately, it has. And despite how unfair and unreasonable I think she is, it still feels as if I am doing something wrong. Why do I feel this way?
What should I do? Please help.
God bless.
