Give "Bad" Advice (3)

Put phone in washing machine 90 degrees, fast spin.

So it seems my friend is trying to prevent me from being online. What should I do?

get new friends who support your desire for CF idiocracy!

Someone help! @Sam91 has this red thing on her nose, I think she needs surgery, stat!!!

MrNoodle, you should never make fun of a person's skin blemishes. Just discreetly give her some topical acne cream.

What should I do with the Christmas gifts I don't like? Such as the Stuffed cactus that plays Margartaville when squeezed?

use them to apply various topical creams and ointments

Christmas time is past, what should I do with all this Rumchata? I don't drink the stuff myself...

It tastes better when stirred into beer.

Anything I can do about the fellow employees who reek to high heaven of weed?

get out your weed-wacker!

how do I make more money when i have no desire to earn it?

Buy a top of the line printer...

Pine needles everywhere from the Christmas tree! What's the best way to clean them up?

put duct tape on your backside and slide around on the floor

Jimi Hendrix is playing on my other monitor, how can I get work done?

Get him resurrected to do your work. Ask Victor Frankenstein how to do it.

My nephew seems to be so absorbed with playing with the phone such that he won't pay me attention. What should I do?

You should learn about how to get attention from your nephew - the learning opportunity is right there in front of you gennypearl. Shouting, crying, pulling on people's clothes and limbs, throwing stuff - these are all acceptable behaviours for adults, as everyone knows.

Should I or shouldn't I?

Perhaps. Probably.

To whom must I direct my enquiries?

LaSorcia. Allegedly, she has written an entire book on the subject.

One of my online associates of ill-repute is facing allegations of being a Russian spy. While 'twould be convenient to renounce all dealings with the character, I am in the unfortunate position of being owed a sizable sum by said scoundrel. How to legally entice described person of interest to pay his dues without betraying a confidence, tarnishing my reputation, or jeopardising an election result?

What's a few hundred k among friends? Just forget about it!

How to cope with being around someone who talks constantly?

oh my word, look at the time!




how to find LaSorcia book that everyone's talking 'bout?

Slowly work on Mr Noodle, paying him a plausibly-deniable compliment or two every day for a year in the various threads he frequents. At the end of the year, you may have built up enough friendship points for him to answer a direct question about the book, but just in case you haven't, create a puppet account and ask him about it using that one.

[And in case you hadn't figured out the most important rule yourself, the rule that must never be forgotten: no matter how much she cries, no matter how much she begs, never, ever, ever ask LaSorcia about her book/s after midnight].

I don't put enough description or drama into my posts. How to be more interesting, without becoming overly verbose?

Here dear Dr Sphinx is where you can make great use of your cultural heritage. Churchill, Agatha Christie, the Sultan of Brunei and 80s comedian Paul Hogan are all on record as having said at least once ‘I wish people would talk about pharaohs and mummies more often’. Both topics have been voted as the ‘subject most often lacking in conversation at parties’ regularly since the 1850s. So, forget the wordiness, just talk about mummies more.


How to find a chef who will cook exactly what I want at any time of the day for a pittance?

Look into your local retirement homes and WWII veteren associations. I hear they did wonders during rationing with very little. If you find one with just enough dementia, you can happily pay him 1940s rates.

How can I clean the post family gathering mess more easily?

Use a leave blower and a water hose, it's easier then actually cleaning the place and loads of fun.

The Colts are in the playoffs, how do I deal with the trauma of them not being ready for a Superbowl run?

Cheer for their opponent. That way you're happy if they win or lose.

The Falcons stink. How to deal with it?