Hello,
I'm back....Merry Christmas to you all....
So, the end of the four month separation ended on September 17th and my wife met with me and is choosing to not reconcile. I'm devastated by this news!! We have two boys; 12 and 2.5 who are in the middle of all of this right now.
I know it's been months since I posted but here is what I know...
I know that I have failed to live up to the godly standards of a husband. I know that I have admitted my mistakes in this marriage and I know that God loves me, my wife and my children and I know that God's desire/will/plan is to restore the marriage.
The infidelity on my part was 14 years ago and it was forgiven and worked through and has never been mentioned again even in this season. I regret that choice every day but I am grateful that she chose to forgive me and then have two wonderful children with me.
The current season "began" on April 20th when my wife read me the letter citing verbal and emotional abuse. Yes, this blindsided me and it's the first time in my life that I have ever been accused of this...but it led me to counseling.
I began counseling on May 16th, one day prior to my wife asking for a four month separation. Last week I just completed by 25th hour of personal counseling. I have been going twice a month or at least once a month since May.
What I have learned? Well, the emotional/verbal abuse issue is very subjective and hard to define. It all depends on the language used and on the personality of the recipient. I have personally not been diagnosed as an abuser. My therapist is board certified and 30 years into his practice. However, he said that I do have behaviors (such as sarcastic humor) that can be abusive over time. As my wife mentioned to me on April 20th when she read me the ultimatum none of it was intentional. That is true. I never went out of my way to intentionally harm my wife in any way. So now we get into a he said/she said sort of thing which I have not engaged in over the past 7 months. I value her feelings even if I don't understand them; they are her feelings.
Over the past 7 months I have actively been in counseling and have sought out reconciliation with my wife...to no avail. She cites "nothing will change" and "you haven't changed." There is no willingness to work on the marriage at all and not even for the sake of the boys.
**I understand that our theology on this board will differ as do our gender bias in situations like this...to some extent. But, I believe God desires for all marriages to be restored even in the case of infidelity which is the one biblical "out" for someone who choose to leave a marriage. I fall into the Matthew 19:6 category.
I have learned via counseling that I have abandonment issues from my childhood and other traumatic events that happened that I did not go to counseling for; I just made it through them like we all do and never thought of therapy. As my therapist said, "you don't know until you know."
Back in 2010 my wife wanted to go to marriage counseling and we did. We went to a facility in Ohio where we spent the weekend. I was told about my sarcastic humor and she was told that she needed to lighten up and enjoy life. Eight years later I'm not too sure either one of us made real headway. I had that report pulled (I have never seen or read it) and sent to my therapist. There were not any red flags given in the report and my therapist did not see anything that indicated marriage troubles. This left me scratching my head...
I am a communicator and my wife is a stuffer...things will tend to simmer, boil and then explode. This is what happened. My wife has friends and family telling her to do what's best for her which is not godly advice in the sense of pursuing reconciliation. I completely get the feelings from friends and family and understand why that advice would be given. I do.
I've lived in three different locations (bedrooms of homes) over the past 7 months, I see my kids for a few minutes each morning before school and then only three nights a week for a few hours at a time. I feel like I have done everything that was asked of me and then some and still no desire to reconcile on her part.
I pray and cry over this every day; I ask God if I'm totally at fault or is this both of us? What happened? I take the brunt of the blame for not being the godly man/husband that I should have been. I was not aware that issues from my childhood had contributed to my sarcastic humor and is that even a really bad thing? I don't know who I am right now and I'm working through that in therapy and in quiet time with the Lord. I have many, many people and fellow pastors prahing over this. I have contacted Focus on the Family, Klove radio, International House of Prayer and other places and share my heart and they all are praying for restoration, which is biblical.
My wife seems to be bitter at me...she will not stay in the home when I come by to visit with the boys, she always leaves. She will hang out long enough to open presents tomorrow morning but she will not stay for dinner when I come by for a while on Christmas night. She will be taking the boys to PA for our annual Christmas trip from Wednesday-Sunday and I won't see them until Sunday night. This will be the first time in 18 years that I have not made the trip
I'm not interested in any theological debates, please. I'm not here to point fingers. We are a family in need of prayer. I know how this all looks and sounds. I get it. I'm living it every day but God is the God of miracles and that is where I put my faith and trust.
Please feel free to ask questions....