Should I wait till marriage?
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Doctor.Sphinx
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I don't think it's necessarily the most important aspect of the union, just part of the covenant. Same as the covenant is supposed to be exclusive of all others. Can a marriage survive adultery? Yes, but that doesn't mean a partner who is prone to unfaithfulness should be up there amongst your first choices when looking for a wife or husband.
But I think this is an advice thread, so we're not supposed to debate, only reply to the original poster (something I seem to fail to realise every time). Maybe raise a new thread elsewhere if you want to debate and discuss.
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I am not an advocate for premarital sex but the current state of things is not how it should be. Western Culture, of which Christians are a part of, say one isn't ready for Marriage until not just school is over but until their career has started. The measure of a successful career is the western cultural rite of passage that tells the world you are ready to be fully independent and make big life decisions like marriage or buying a house.
The problem with this model is that it can put someone in their late 20's or even their 30's before this happens. Our bodies are not designed to "wait" this long but the problem is our culture is right as it doesn't adequately prepare a youth for early marriage and getting married at 18 is frowned on and called irresponsible when our bodies are already screaming to get it done.
Christian families should accept and prepare their children for earlier marriages before things like careers or college starts and also be willing to subsidize young couples income or have them live in their house while they work on their western path of independence.
And we should definitely approach relationships differently rather than treating people like a test drive off the car lot we need to approach relationships with marriage in mind from the onset.
It is an experiment doomed for failure if you think you can last until your late 20s. It is commendable if you do but starting looking at the variables differently and as far as I'm concerned if you want to get married then start seeking marriage and if money is a problem start talking to your parents about getting a plan that can help you be responsible for a marriage that might be earlier than our culture dictates.
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NothingIsImpossible
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Most people who don't wait regret it later. Those who don't regret it probably have strong sexual desires and are fine with being sinful in regards to casual sex. I regret having sex with someone long before I met my wife. At the time I had sex (so many times) I didn't feel to bad because I was angry and wanted sex. But later in life I had a ton of regret. And on rare occasions I'll think about it and feel bad again.
Sex is wonderful, but its short lived and the pain of reality is not worth it. Especially if you were to accidentally get someone pregnant or get a STD. I'm just glad I stopped being such a rebel. Life feels easier in some ways now.
Sex is wonderful, but its short lived and the pain of reality is not worth it. Especially if you were to accidentally get someone pregnant or get a STD. I'm just glad I stopped being such a rebel. Life feels easier in some ways now.
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I think that part of what has changed in this culture is our emphasis upon independence.
In Bible days, children stayed with their parents ... even as they started their married lives ... and they may very well stay with their parents throughout their lives.
This would cut down on costs. Cooperation/sharing cuts costs.
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- Mar 21, 2018
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Hi there-
It looks like there are two questions:
1) Should YOU wait to have sexual intercourse with your spouse since "everyone else is doing it"?
2) Should I only look to marry someone who has not been sexually active?
My sense is that you know what the answer to #1 is, but that you are discouraged by the prospect that you might marry someone who has not been chaste in their pre-married life. So, for that question, just a few (hopefully) helpful thoughts from scripture:
- Rest in the primary relationship you presumably already have: a living connection to THE faithful, covenant-keeping Author of humans, sexuality and marriage. (Genesis 1:26-28, Genesis 2:18-25).
- In Ephesians 5:32 Paul indicates that marriage is an illustration of Christ's love and faithfulness to His Bride, the church and our response to Him.
- Over and again in the Old Testament, the prophets use language of marital infidelity and sexual promiscuity as a metaphor for Israel's unfaithfulness to Yahweh in following after the gods of the surrounding nations.
- Since God's plan and purpose for chastity (in and out of marriage) is clear, and since God's standards do not change with the changes of corrupted social and cultural norms, which are constantly passing away (1 John 2;17) as "dearly loved children of God"
- We now live in light of His eternal and good life & empowered by His Spirit: faithful, pure, holy (set apart), not controlled by our fleshly desires (Titus 3:3-7).
- What is your understanding of the purpose and design of marriage?
- Does God owe you marriage? Will you feel embittered if you never get married? What would that reveal about how you see your Father's love for you?
- Is there "the One" out there for you, or can you make a decision of your own free will to enter into a covenant of marriage using biblical principles and wisdom in your selection process, but knowing that you and your future spouse are imperfect people?
- What do you picture marriage being like? Do you talk with mature married couples in your church and ask them questions about the realities of marriage?
- Would you marry someone who had been sexually abused or molested against their will? Would you marry a widow? With children? Who was not a Christian when they were promiscuous?
- Does marriage preoccupy your mind and distract you from growing and serving the Lord Jesus?
- If you did marry someone with a sexual history would you hold that over their head? Would it make you feel morally superior? Would you use it as an excuse to justify your bad behavior/sin?
- What would you do if your spouse was unfaithful?
- How has God shown his faithful, forgiving, restoring love to you? Those who have been forgiven much, love much and we have all been forgiven an unpayable debt. Do you daily rest and delight in the knowledge of that unmerited favor?
Be a person who exhibits Christ-Like Character revealed in Community (the 3 C's). Then look for those things in a prospective spouse. This is what is most important: not perfection, but a track record of growing in the New Life of Christ. Sexual sin that's been forgiven is much less important than current obedience in response to God's love in Christ.
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Bro you gotta do what you gotta do and I know folks on here won't want to hear that but if it's affecting your faith in Christ act if it isn't don't ...I wasn't a virgin and my wife wasn't do I regret that and wish we sure I do but you have to platy the cards your dealt
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Brightmoon
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I don’t get this . There’s no real accurate way to prove that a woman is a virgin . Some women just don’t have hymens . To put a woman through that is basically saying that you don’t trust her. As a feminist I would refuse to take the test until the man could prove that he’s a virgin first.
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Verv
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You should wait. Many contributors here have said great things.
I will just add that there are a lot of people who are anxious about sex and so they want to do it. It will boost their egos to prove themselves as sexually adequate, and there's a strange anxiety, especially in a sex inundated and body obsessed culture, that we aren't sexually adequate.
Just remember you are adequate and you don't need to be anxious. You can wait. And it'll be all the better.
I will just add that there are a lot of people who are anxious about sex and so they want to do it. It will boost their egos to prove themselves as sexually adequate, and there's a strange anxiety, especially in a sex inundated and body obsessed culture, that we aren't sexually adequate.
Just remember you are adequate and you don't need to be anxious. You can wait. And it'll be all the better.
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Doctor.Sphinx
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Okay. I feel I have to temper my previous advice with some more. There is more than one way to be unfaithful. There can be unfaithfulness before marriage, where the wife is not a virgin (unless her previous husband has died, in which case, the previous contract is completed, and the woman is free to marry). There can be unfaithfulness after marriage, where one partner finds another. And there can be unfaithfulness where one partner refuses to perform his or her obligations in accord with marital relations and the purpose of the marriage. Just because someone is faithful in one respect doesn't guarantee faithfulness in the others. And likewise, unfaithfulness in one respect, if accompanied by genuine repentence, can still mean faithfulness in the others.
I'd say all are as important as each other, although virginity is a good start, and if this is what you want, simply add it to your criteria. If you can't find what you need in the local girls, go somewhere else and find one (look at how far Abraham's servant had to go to find Rebecca for Isaac, or Jacob had to go to find Rachel).
Don't listen to those who imply virginity wasn't important to God in the Old Testament. There was the death penalty available for women who married being impure, as in Deuteronomy. That's not to say we should stone these women now, but if you have not been unfaithful before marriage, it is certainly understandable why you would expect your future bride to be a virgin.
Deuteronomy 22:13-21
“If any man takes a wife and goes in to her and then hates her and accuses her of misconduct and brings a bad name upon her, saying, ‘I took this woman, and when I came near her, I did not find in her evidence of virginity,’ then the father of the young woman and her mother shall take and bring out the evidence of her virginity to the elders of the city in the gate. And the father of the young woman shall say to the elders, ‘I gave my daughter to this man to marry, and he hates her; and behold, he has accused her of misconduct, saying, “I did not find in your daughter evidence of virginity.” And yet this is the evidence of my daughter's virginity.’ And they shall spread the cloak before the elders of the city. Then the elders of that city shall take the man and whip him, and they shall fine him a hundred shekels of silver and give them to the father of the young woman, because he has brought a bad name upon a virgin of Israel. And she shall be his wife. He may not divorce her all his days. But if the thing is true, that evidence of virginity was not found in the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones, because she has done an outrageous thing in Israel by whoring in her father's house. So you shall purge the evil from your midst.
Well the man is obviously not. No man has a hymen.
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Was that even a valid hope, though? There are many good reasons for a person to retain his or her virginity until marriage, but all those good reasons are for that person alone. If you meet a virgin, that's good, but it's good for her, not for you. You need only be concerned that she has been filled with the Spirit and is intending to lead her life by the Spirit when you meet her.
Otherwise, it means nothing for scripture to say:
Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, The old has gone, the new is here!
Nothing in scripture, not even the Mosaic Law, prohibits a man from marrying a woman who is not a virgin. God even commanded that Hosea find a promiscuous woman and marry her.
The OT regulated men's demands for virginity because their hearts were hard, the same as for divorce.
But the very wording of the Law shows that God is biased toward the woman. The only "proof of virginity" required by the OT can only be shown after the night the marriage is consummated--at which time she is certainly not a virgin.
The way the Law is written, I would be surprised that any bride could not be shown to have been a virgin (her parents were idiots if they hadn't figured it out). In fact, the Law is written in such a way that a bridegroom would be a fool to raise the contest.
The Law has no proof of virginity before the marriage because there was no way for them to prove virginity without violating it.
People who make virginity a requirement for marriage are just making up stuff--they didn't find it a requirement in scripture.
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- Feb 11, 2018
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Well the problem is that people hold off on marriage. Pagan influenced christian parents, keep telling their kids to wait until they have a degree, and then wait until they have a Ph.D, and then wait until they have a career.
The issue is, your hormones don't wait, just because you do.
People are driven crazy, and they look around and everyone else is waiting for marriage, just like them, but not waiting to have sex.
Your sex drive will convince you to move on sex. Your parents will convince you to hold off on marriage.
The only alternative is causal sex outside of marriage. Which is where people go.
The solution is what the Bible says. The Bible says the way to deal with sexual desire is.... get married.... have sex.
People need to stop waiting on getting married.
Besides that, it's a known fact that married men do better in school than single men. Equally married men do better in getting, and having a career, than unmarried men. It's just a fact. Married men do better than single men.
This idea that waiting on marriage, until you get everything in place... the opposite is true. You are more likely to get everything in place, if you get married.
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- Jun 18, 2014
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I agree with almost everything you wrote in this post.
The only thing I question is the “commendable” part. In one sense I agree with it also, but I wonder if the price that has to be paid and the damage one must do their own libido to get there is all that commendable.
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Zoii
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Wow!!!!!! your advice is to marry young? - not because of any reason other than there's less chance she could have had sex. What sort of twisted reasoning is that to encourage marrying young, while they are less experienced, less likely to know each other well, less likely to be established in their respective careers..... How about recommending they get married when they truly know each other well, and have determined they want to live a life together. How about making sure that she and he have good educations.Just marry someone young (less time/opportunity/temptation for them to give away their virginity). Waiting years to get married is a silly idea in my view, as it wastes the most fertile years of the female. (Guys can afford to wait in terms of ability to procreate, but for different reasons, I think it's beneficial for both sexes to marry young).
There are many other cultures which haven't been poisoned to the same extent most Western nations have. Even small Christian cultures in countries where other religions are predominant seem to take Christian values more seriously.
It's not impossible, it just depends on how serious you are about achieving that which you seek.
Oh - and obviously, wait until you get married. But my counsel is don't wait for the right one to come to you - go out and find her. And don't take years deciding if one is right or wrong. If you don't know within a year, chances are she's not the right one. Don't wait for her to change.
And truly - what are you advising? - Dont marry any girl that's had sex? What sort of shallow advice is that??
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