Give "Bad" Advice (3)

warn people and cause a panic so that you can sell your tin foil hats for hundreds of dollars
you can build a bunker in no time




husband sick/child decided to camp out on couch so I'm in basement to not disturb anyone
not much to do down here; what should I do?

Grab a pick ax and see if there's any buried treasure behind those concrete walls.

Uh oh, my basement flooded. What can I do?

@JohnC2 yes, this is indeed a serious dilemma. I’d suggest going full BetaBetaKappaPhi strength and adding a thick lining of lead to your government protection device. A guy in Spain a while back, one Don Quijote de La Mancha, was onto all of this before it really even got started, and he rarely did anything without a full suit of armour on. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Beware of windmills, that’s all I’m saying.

It’s time to start the music, it’s time to light the lights - but I need an alternative power source. Suggestions?
Oh and how do I avoid getting queue jumped in threads? Thanks

Look, Tom Farebrother, this is a very popular thread. You really need to limit yourself to one question so the CF masses have room to ask their questions as well. I'll have to combine your questions into 'how do I avoid getting jumped by power sources'.
This is not something I have experience with. I guess you need to avoid tight rope walking on power lines, quit playing golf during lightening storms and things like that.

How can I give advice to my neighbour, when their English is not so well good?

give ur advice in french. theres nothing more satisfying than saying in french what someone wouldn't have understood in english, anyway. and french sounds so much more romantic - unless its typed.

ok. so a couple of policemen came around, and they were asking all kinds of questions about my broken grand piano, and why i was laying carpet traps in the bathroom of the apartment of my neighbor on the first storey, etc. you get the idea. i naturally pleaded the 5th, and it all seemed to go smoothly. the lady (one of the policemen was female, or at least appeared to be) even laughed a lot between getting cold stares from her partner, so she must have thought i was funny.

anyway, today, two doctors from the mt sinai hospital psychiatric department came around, and they were asking different sorts of questions, but they were much more serious-looking and didn't seem to think my answers were very funny at all. so my question is, how can i attract a better quality of audience in future?

Sing Jingle Bells in Chinese.....

I have to go #2 really bad while stuck in traffic miles away from a bathroom. What should I do?


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What you should do is seek out an intense evil mastermind retraining course, you just exposed your message to number 2 out on a live forum, horrible rookie mistake!!





How can I improve my skills at rock paper scissors? I always just guess and I lose more than I win.

Well, as everyone knows rock paper scissors is a game of skill, not blind chance. I would suggest a program of training 24.5hrs a day for around 6 weeks. If you are not at the end of that time winning 99.9% of matches, you are clearly unfit for any sort of useful activity, and should retire early and buy a shuffleboard.

How to make each cup of coffee last longer?

Nasogastric tube. You can just recycle it indefinitely.

How can one descend into the warrens of bureaucracy while maintaining some semblance of sanity?

Read The Trial over, and over, and over, and over again. Then read The Castle many times over. Look for the way out...the way out.. the way forward...it's there, just on the edge of your thoughts...keep looking...
Don't worry, we'll visit you in the crazy house. You won't know we're there of course, but we'll bring flowers

Anyone know how to drill for oil?

Tom Farebrother said:

Read The Trial over, and over, and over, and over again. Then read The Castle many times over. Look for the way out...the way out.. the way forward...it's there, just on the edge of your thoughts...keep looking...
Don't worry, we'll visit you in the crazy house. You won't know we're there of course, but we'll bring flowers

Anyone know how to drill for oil?

Click to expand...

woodpeckers are all the rage in africa.

i decided to join the cops, as at least one of these got my humor. anyhow, pardner and i pull over this weird guy who is driving on the sidewalks to get out of the monday traffic. his only excuse is that he needs to go to the bathroom. who doesnt go to the bathroom before he drives? naturally, we tasered him, and issued him a fine, but now im thinking, maybe i was too soft? should we have thrown the varmint in the can, also?

Throw him in the trunk instead. Drive him across two different state lines then dump him out in the woods with a stern warning. Problem solved. Much less paperwork, jury trials, lawyers, testimony, and all that useless admin stuff.....

Would it be more plausible to explain that we got lost trying to find a Starbucks or that the GPS just kept rerouting us and that’s how we ended up 2 states away lost in the woods?

Who needs plausible? Nobody buys plausible. I’d go with Alien abduction, or the good old the CIA moved Starbucks (again) routine.

People only believe me when I make outlandish statements and wave my arms about. What’s going on?

You must be in America. Book a flight home.

I have a question. Why do Americans always say, "I have a question" before they ask their question, and do foreigners this this is okay?

Actually, it is remarkably helpful. You could further facilitate the international meeting of minds by explaining every sentence, e.g announcing that you have an adjective and a noun to share - 'Merry Christmas!', or that you are about to use an intensive pronoun - 'you yourself are the dolt, sir', or that you are going to deliver a dependent clause followed by an independent clause incorporating an adverbial phrase 'when I asked for bad advice, little did I know just how illuminating it would be'.

My plan for a new 'bad advice' start up has failed to attract funding. What should I do?

Call 911. Explain to the dispatcher that this is an emergency and can they send someone right away to help revive your video games.

What should I do when the police give me angry looks about calling them to report my friends cheating in our video game tournaments?

Tell them that your taxes pay their salaries, and that "they're welcome" for you keeping them gainfully employed.

It's Christmas time again. How to keep reindeers off my roof, and Santas out of my chimney?

be naughty and save Santa the trip



how to keep from slipping on snow or ice?

Crawl around on all fours like a reindeer.

I've mentioned reindeer twice in two consecutive posts. Could this be the beginnings of obsession?