@ToBeLoved ,
@mark kennedy and
@SeventyOne
TESTIMONY
I received God's grace at the weakest point in my life, when sin was so enticing it had a stranglehold on me. I would like to share with you my own testimony of the night I was saved, and my experience of receiving the "power" of grace.
Actually, I can relate to Saul's experience of being brought to Christ through seeing a manifestation of Jesus, because moments before I actually repented and experienced the saving power of God, He sovereignly let me see a vision. It was of my sin.
Here I was nearly 30 years old, had gone to church all my life, though I wasn't presently, and I was having an affair with a married man! He was a rather powerful Jewish entertainment business man in Beverly Hills, and I became totally obsessed with him, as well as dependent upon him. He became my love, and my security. In fact, he was the love of my life. No human has done as much for me as he had to this very day.
After many months, I finally realized this affair was ruining my hope of a future, of a home and family. He wasn't going to leave his wife, nor did I want him to. But knowing all this didn't give me the strength to break off the affair. So, I did what you do in Beverly Hills, I went to a therapist.
After telling the therapist all about my relationship with my lover, he said these words, "Well, if it feels good, do it." I immediately felt a chill. It was like encountering Satan himself. I couldn't wait to leave, and I never went back. But the thought of Satan made me realize my only hope for finding strength was in God. So I went searching for a church.
I did quite a bit of church hopping, then I remembered years ago before moving to California from Tennessee, Pat Boone's mom and dad suggested I visit Pastor Jack Hayford's church, The Church On The Way, a Foursquare church in the San Fernando Valley outside Los Angeles. I made up my mind that instead of hopping to the next church on my list, I would attend every service this church held for two months to give it a chance before deciding if I needed to search elsewhere. But, from the first sermon I knew I would stay. Through the Holy Spirit, Jack seemed to be preaching just to me. That didn’t just happen on that first visit, but every service thereafter. I was home.
After a month of attending every service, I decided I was strong enough to break off the affair. So I did, but became so devastated, after three days I begged him to come back. Of course, he did. He loved me too.
After another month, I tried again. But within three days we were back together again.
Month after month I tried. But we always went back together within a couple days.
Then one Sunday, Pastor Jack gave a sermon on "integrity of heart." That was the turning point - humility. I learned to be very truthful with God. So I prayed, "Lord, I have tried to break off this affair, but I am weak (having done so in only my own strength). You are strong, so You do it. Make him break it off with me, and then give him the strength to stay away from me when I try to get him back - because You know I will." From that point on I just relaxed and didn’t ‘try’ to be good any longer. I recognized myself for what I was – a sinner who could do nothing in my own strength, especially when I was crazy in love and my flesh wanted what it wanted. But, the honest prayer was enough to make God start working.
Only one week later my lover came over and told me he finally realized that he couldn't be there when I needed him; that he needed to get out of my life. He broke up with me. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, but at the same time, in the back of my mind, I was in awe that possibly there really was a God. You see, it was the first prayer in my entire life that really seemed to have been answered!
After two weeks, I thought I better see if I could find another man to fill the tremendous void in my broken heart, but this time a Christian man. I knew a couple at church who were elders and asked them if they were friends with any single men they could set me up with.
They said, "Yes, we are good friends with Bill B., he’s a Christian movie producer, single and about 36.” They knew I was already in the entertainment industry and thought this might be a good match. “He comes here every Wednesday night, and we always go out for coffee later. Why don't you come with us after church this Wednesday night?”
I couldn't wait for Wednesday night service. In fact, I was 45 minutes early. Finally, church began, and as was our custom at the beginning of the service, we turned to greet those around us. Someone tapped me on the shoulder from behind, and I turned to see a girl I had met at a girlfriend's house about six months before. She had come over from across the room to greet me. That in itself was extraordinary, as Jack Hayford wanted us to remain by our seats with no roaming around. “Everything must be done decently and in order.”
"Hi," I said, "what brings you here tonight"?
"Well, I haven't had a date in a year, and this guy came into my office today, we found out we were both Christians and he brought me to his church tonight."
"Oh, really? Who did you come with"? I asked.
"Bill B."
I was bewildered. I had really thought this was the answer to my intense pain. Was God behind the scenes orchestrating everything around me? Then what in the world did He think He was doing! Didn’t He care that I was hurting? I tried not to be angry with God, but it was difficult.
Wednesday evening service was our time to pray for the nation. Around 8:00 pm, we all knelt to pray and were to partner with whomever was sitting next to us. I excused myself, and told them I needed to pray by myself tonight. I thought to myself, I can't pray for the nation, I can't even get a date out of God, how can I expect anything good to happen for the nation!
So I knelt at my chair and thought about why God would thwart my going out with Bill B. I was beginning to feel really punished. It was then with my eyes closed, I saw a wide field with a huge round vertical glass pipe or silo about 50 feet across erected from the field up into the clouds above. About 300 feet up the clear pipe, I could see what looked like an enormous hairball. As I focused on it, I saw that the hair was moving. It was a gigantic nest of snakes!
All at once I "knew" the meaning of the vision I was seeing. The nest of snakes was my sin which was preventing all God's blessings from reaching me.
Oh, I had never asked for forgiveness for the adultery, I thought to myself. I’ll ask for forgiveness, and then, maybe He’ll bring me a man.
I started to pray for God to forgive me for the adultery, and to cleanse me of all my sins. I prayed the same prayer as King David did after he had sinned with Bathsheba, a verse I had memorized as a child. "Create in me a clean heart, Oh Lord, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence, and take not thy Holy Spirit from me."
You would think I was now happy, but I wasn't. I was still very sad and lonely and still mad at God for the timing. If all this had happened earlier, I could still have had Bill B! I began to think about my old relationship, and how meeting someone new would have been so great. And on top of that, Bill B. was a Christian! I knew it must have been God that prevented me from meeting him... Thick-headed as I was, I prayed arrogantly, "Don't you want me to date a Christian?!!!"
The response was like thunder! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
Boy that shut me up! I had never heard God's voice before. And even though it wasn't an audible voice, I heard it loud and clear.
And He said, No????? I suddenly felt He was going to say more, so I stilled myself and started listening in awesome fear expectantly... He continued,
"YOU LOOK TO MAN FOR YOUR LOVE. I WANT TO BE YOUR LOVE.
YOU LOOK TO MAN FOR YOUR SECURITY. I WANT TO BE YOUR SECURITY.
YOU WILL NOT DATE FOR A SEASON. YOU WILL BE IN DROUGHT. AND WHEN YOUR HEART MELTS, I WILL SEND THE RAIN."
Suddenly, I knew that I knew that I knew God existed! I don't think in all my life I ever knew for sure until that moment. And what's more, this all-powerful being, the Creator of the universe, was speaking to me!
I was in such wonder, I repented again whole-heartedly this time and was saved, and filled with unshakable faith. This was immediately followed by His overwhelming outpouring of His Spirit and with power. I felt it physically. It felt like being drenched with a vessel of warm oil pouring over the top of my head and quickly engulfing me. My prior grief I had been burdened with for months while I was entrenched in the destructive sin suddenly disappeared and was replaced with extreme joy that caused my cheeks to hurt from smiling. The sudden departure of that burden made me feel buoyed up by love, and light as a feather. Isaiah 61:3 describes it best. "The oil of joy for mourning." It's literal! I even looked at my feet to see if they were still on the floor!
That night I saw the heart of Jesus for the first time, how crushed He was by my sin. It broke my heart, and then I truly repented for the first time in my life. That repentance was real. It wasn't the usual apathetic, or even formal, just mouthing the words, "oh, yes, and forgive me of my sins." Nor, was it even what I had prayed just moments before after seeing the vision of the clog of snakes preventing God from bringing the blessing of another man into my life! It was saving repentance. I wanted to turn away from, and to be cleansed of every sin I could think of, and those I couldn't. I wanted to be scrubbed clean and never get dirty ever again! Not because I was afraid of hell or wanted blessings, but because when I finally knew He existed, loved me and wanted my love, I fell madly in love with him! He then filled me with His Holy Spirit to overflowing. He not only had a clean vessel to enter, He had my whole heart and soul.
I was now saved! Oh, what a sobering thought! You see, I had grown up in church, and attended as an adult for most my life for nearly 30 years, always feeling the call on my life and the Lord drawing me, but "many are called, few are chosen." I loved the Lord, or maybe the idea of the Lord, but I didn't respect or "fear" Him enough to not willfully sin. Besides, that is what I thought I must stop on my own if I really wanted to. But, my sensual desires always came first.
And now, every week after that, the gifts of the Holy Spirit were ever present in my life, which up until then I had never known, and I was drawn closer and closer to God. All I wanted to do was study God's Word, listen to teaching tapes and Christian music, and listen for His voice. But, the true confirmation and evidence that I was now saved and filled with His Holy Spirit was I could now see sin as He did. I no longer wanted to sin. It didn't "call" to me. My desires had taken a 180 degree about face immediately, though I still loved my lover but now in a pure way and would respect him for the rest of my life, and even though it wasn’t long before he wanted me back, now I was a different person. I knew I wanted God, and wanted to give up everything for Him. God’s grace was sufficient. He gave me power over my flesh I had never known before. I was truly a new creation. It wasn't merely a scripture to quote, but a reality. I had a new mind, an obedient heart and a sensitive spirit for God to nurture and sustain.
