My wife has advanced Alzheimer's disease.

sprucebruce said:

I am my wife's primary caregiver. I'm with her 24/7 and do a good job of caring for her.
I cook, clean, do laundry and help her dress, shower and just about everything for her.

Recently, I've decided to reach out on social media and find someone with whom I could have meaningful adult conversations, get out of the house once in a while and, since my own marriage is like taking care of a small child than being a husband, some intimacy.

I met a wonderful woman who fulfills all the above and even helps care for my wife.
I've told a few of my friends and our kids, who readily accepted her.
A few church people asked "What about your marriage vows"? I really don't know what to say.

Is it that horrible to try to take care of myself while caring for a woman I still love dearly but who, sometimes, doesn't even know my name?
Caregivers often die of a broken heart and extreme stress before the patient does. I do not want to be the second victim of this horrible disease but I always want to do what is right for my wife first, myself and our friend who, I feel, will make a wonderful wife down the road.

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My aunt recently died after a long bout with Alzheimer's disease. I'm sorry for what you're going through...and for what lies ahead. I wish that we as a society were a little more understanding of these circumstances...you're essentially losing a bit of the woman you love every day. In the end, nothing of her will remain. It's a slow and undignified process.

I understand why people are going to judge your relationship with this other woman. In their minds, they believe they would silently suffer through this if it happened to them. It's a combination of pride and ignorance that keeps them from understanding your situation.

I think your intentions are good, and you know what lines not to cross. My advice would be to let go of any guilt you may feel stemming from their judgments of you. They simply don't understand.

sprucebruce said:

I am my wife's primary caregiver. I'm with her 24/7 and do a good job of caring for her.
I cook, clean, do laundry and help her dress, shower and just about everything for her.

Recently, I've decided to reach out on social media and find someone with whom I could have meaningful adult conversations, get out of the house once in a while and, since my own marriage is like taking care of a small child than being a husband, some intimacy.

I met a wonderful woman who fulfills all the above and even helps care for my wife.
I've told a few of my friends and our kids, who readily accepted her.
A few church people asked "What about your marriage vows"? I really don't know what to say.

Is it that horrible to try to take care of myself while caring for a woman I still love dearly but who, sometimes, doesn't even know my name?
Caregivers often die of a broken heart and extreme stress before the patient does. I do not want to be the second victim of this horrible disease but I always want to do what is right for my wife first, myself and our friend who, I feel, will make a wonderful wife down the road.

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It sounds like your not only not doing something wrong, your doing the right thing by your wife as best you can. It sounds like you made a friend and you are not crossing boundaries so to speak. I wouldn't let the little twinge of guilt bother me, situation reversed what would you want your wife to do? That guilt that is bothering you is called a conscience, it will serve you well, let it be your guide. Prayer is always a good thing when faced with such devastating emotional stress, so is careful reflection.

My heart goes out to you, this can't be easy. Somewhere in your heart you know what the right thing to do is here and from what I'm hearing your doing it.

Grace and peace,
Mark

Would it be okay to take a lover if your wife had a heart condition, or a brain tumor, or another terminal illness? If not, why not? I understand that Alzheimer's is horrible, but I believe that if no other condition 'allows' for adultery, why does this one allow for it, because if you are having sex with this woman (you mentioned 'intimacy') it is adultery, no matter what you call it to yourself.

If you're not having sex, then I don't see anything wrong with it, other than kind of lining up a new wife before this one is dead is a little .. tasteless to me.

I hope the laws will be such that I can dictate my death in the event I sense dementia coming on.

I guess one question is are you turning to God first or to this woman for comfort and support in this time of tribulation? If the latter then that's a problem.

Tinker Grey said:

I hope the laws will be such that I can dictate my death in the event I sense dementia coming on.

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Me too. It is something which terrifies me.

Tinker Grey said:

I hope the laws will be such that I can dictate my death in the event I sense dementia coming on.

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I hope medicine will advance enough that it will not be an issue when I grow old.

Nithavela said:

I hope medicine will advance enough that it will not be an issue when I grow old.

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Agreed. That is a possibility. I think I have 30 years. My father died of complications due to dementia.

sprucebruce said:

I am my wife's primary caregiver. I'm with her 24/7 and do a good job of caring for her.
I cook, clean, do laundry and help her dress, shower and just about everything for her.

Recently, I've decided to reach out on social media and find someone with whom I could have meaningful adult conversations, get out of the house once in a while and, since my own marriage is like taking care of a small child than being a husband, some intimacy.

I met a wonderful woman who fulfills all the above and even helps care for my wife.
I've told a few of my friends and our kids, who readily accepted her.
A few church people asked "What about your marriage vows"? I really don't know what to say.

Is it that horrible to try to take care of myself while caring for a woman I still love dearly but who, sometimes, doesn't even know my name?
Caregivers often die of a broken heart and extreme stress before the patient does. I do not want to be the second victim of this horrible disease but I always want to do what is right for my wife first, myself and our friend who, I feel, will make a wonderful wife down the road.

Click to expand...

This can't be a legit post.

You entered an affair because your wife is ill and have been introducing her around? Whatever happened to the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows to keep yourself only to her so long as you both shall live?

First of all, I'm very sorry that your wife, and you, have to deal with this.
I can only imagine the pain and stress that this causes for the both of you, as well as any potential children you have etc.

For that, and for the way you stand tall facing this situation and taking care of her, you have my outmost respect. It's in times like this that true love shows its face. It's very easy to "love one another" when all is fine and dandy. Imo, true love is really about how you deal and cope with the harder aspects of life. I can only hope that more people like you exist.

Your wife is lucky to have you as a husband. I mean that.

sprucebruce said:

A few church people asked "What about your marriage vows"? I really don't know what to say.

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In all brutal honesty, what I would say to them, is something I can't say to this forum. It starts with an F.

Is it that horrible to try to take care of myself while caring for a woman I still love dearly but who, sometimes, doesn't even know my name?

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It absolutely is not.
It's not like you are abbandoning her for someone else.
But you are a human and you are healthy. As hard as it might sound, in a very real sense it could be said that this is a lot harder on you then it is on your wife. You actually have full realisation of the situation. You remember everything. You need your own support to mentally cope with the situation.

It's not being selfish. It's taking care of yourself also.

It's not like this is a temporary state that your wife is in. As far as I know / understand this condition / desease, she will not get better and in fact only get worse over time.

You need to take care of yourself, your own mental state, as well. In a very real sense, you taking care of yourself, is ALSO taking care of your wife. Because it means that you can "recharge" and find the strenght to go on. I think some people would be better at coping with such a situation then others. And both are fine. If you feel like you need to do this for yourself, then do so. There's nothing wrong with it.

As brutal as it sounds, mentally you have already lost your wife. To be perfectly honest with you..... I think I would prefer my wife to have a quick death as opposed to such a downwards sipral. I can only have respect for people like you, who find the strength to go on in such situations.

But you are still healthy. There is nothing wrong with your needs. Needs that your wife, sad as it is, can no longer fullfill. There's nothing wrong with you looking to others to satisfy those needs. It doesn't change your love for your wife. It doesn't change your care for her. In fact, it would only help those things, because it will help you finding the strenght to go on.

Don't listen to what those .... are saying. Let's see how they would deal with such a situation - then they can talk.

Caregivers often die of a broken heart and extreme stress before the patient does. I do not want to be the second victim of this horrible disease but I always want to do what is right for my wife first, myself and our friend who, I feel, will make a wonderful wife down the road.

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Go for it. You deserve it.

RestoreTheJoy said:

This can't be a legit post.

You entered an affair because your wife is ill and have been introducing her around? Whatever happened to the "in sickness and in health" part of your vows to keep yourself only to her so long as you both shall live?

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way to kick a man while he's down.

There's a sense in which the patient is no longer the person to which the spouse made the committment ... at least if there are no lucid moments. I don't think this absolves one of certain duties but a certain detachment is reasonable. The being that died had stopped being my father some years before.

DogmaHunter said:

way to kick a man while he's down.

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No, I was quite serious. He's married. You don't find another for companionship and intimacy while you are married. It's quite unfortunate what has occurred, but he is married. There aren't special exemptions for a believer if your spouse gets ill. If he does the honorable thing, he will be blessed.

Thinking here of a young man that took care of his disabled wife - disabled shortly after their wedding - for the rest of her life. He was in his 40s when she died. He is quite a testament...and the Lord blessed him shortly thereafter with a wife left with SIX kids - so he got to be a father and grandpa anyway.

The kindest thing to do is to tell him the truth, and not align with the world, which will say to do whatever feels good and it's all good. He asked (at least some) Christians, so he is going to get an answer that is based on scripture.

DogmaHunter said:

First of all, I'm very sorry that your wife, and you, have to deal with this.
I can only imagine the pain and stress that this causes for the both of you, as well as any potential children you have etc.

For that, and for the way you stand tall facing this situation and taking care of her, you have my outmost respect. It's in times like this that true love shows its face. It's very easy to "love one another" when all is fine and dandy. Imo, true love is really about how you deal and cope with the harder aspects of life. I can only hope that more people like you exist.

Your wife is lucky to have you as a husband. I mean that.



In all brutal honesty, what I would say to them, is something I can't say to this forum. It starts with an F.




It absolutely is not.
It's not like you are abbandoning her for someone else.
But you are a human and you are healthy. As hard as it might sound, in a very real sense it could be said that this is a lot harder on you then it is on your wife. You actually have full realisation of the situation. You remember everything. You need your own support to mentally cope with the situation.

It's not being selfish. It's taking care of yourself also.

It's not like this is a temporary state that your wife is in. As far as I know / understand this condition / desease, she will not get better and in fact only get worse over time.

You need to take care of yourself, your own mental state, as well. In a very real sense, you taking care of yourself, is ALSO taking care of your wife. Because it means that you can "recharge" and find the strenght to go on. I think some people would be better at coping with such a situation then others. And both are fine. If you feel like you need to do this for yourself, then do so. There's nothing wrong with it.

As brutal as it sounds, mentally you have already lost your wife. To be perfectly honest with you..... I think I would prefer my wife to have a quick death as opposed to such a downwards sipral. I can only have respect for people like you, who find the strength to go on in such situations.

But you are still healthy. There is nothing wrong with your needs. Needs that your wife, sad as it is, can no longer fullfill. There's nothing wrong with you looking to others to satisfy those needs. It doesn't change your love for your wife. It doesn't change your care for her. In fact, it would only help those things, because it will help you finding the strenght to go on.

Don't listen to what those .... are saying. Let's see how they would deal with such a situation - then they can talk.



Go for it. You deserve it.

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You could have just summarized all this verbiage with the sentence that says it all:

sprucebruce said: ↑
A few church people asked "What about your marriage vows"? I really don't know what to say.
In all brutal honesty, what I would say to them, is something I can't say to this forum. It starts with an F.

RestoreTheJoy said:

You could have just summarized all this verbiage with the sentence that says it all:

sprucebruce said: ↑
A few church people asked "What about your marriage vows"? I really don't know what to say.
In all brutal honesty, what I would say to them, is something I can't say to this forum. It starts with an F.

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No, the rest of the post was quite important as well, imo.

And I stand by that statement.
Self-righteous people like them (and you) have a total lack of compassion and humanity.

You seem to want him to suffer.