How long after dating should a guy(youre seeing/dating) start thinking about marriage?

Far Side Of the Moon said:

I really think its good to get this advice from not only seasoned christians but those with experience.

I know some guys will keep their woman in girlfriend mode for 3+ years with no intent to marry but just reap the benefits and I feel like that's so wrong-- because you're literally performing for a ring and the ring could never come...the guy could push the date further and further away or worse...break it off...

resulting in simply being used.

So when should a guy propose?

Id really love to hear from guys young and (advanced in years lol)
because you guys know how men operate..(whether they genuinely like a woman or just stringing her along for the goods). I feel if the particular man is certain about
a woman they wouldn't have to waste too much time knowing whether or not they want to be with that particular woman.

So when should a guy think of marriage?

Ive heard some say a year....

any other perspectives?

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There is no correct answer. I entered my first marriage after 3 years of dating and living separately. I proposed to my second wife after 10 days and two dates. I don't regret either method. Both partners were about the same level of compatibility, start to current.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer either. But if you're worried about "performing for a ring" you can always propose.

Everyone is different and sometimes people who have been friends for years don't "see" each other in that light for a long time. However, if you've actually been dating then you are both probably seeing each other as possible partners and, as you say, performing toward that commitment. I would say roughly one year is long enough for two people to know one another well enough to make the decision.

To be perfectly honest with you, and I think that's what you want, I would say that if you are ready for marriage and children and he hasn't proposed after a year, you should probably move on. You deserve a partner whose feelings for you are compelling enough and strong enough to make him eager to marry you.

Well, after twelve years of marriage, I can tell you this; even as a woman, there will be times in your marriage where you will need to initiate things and take on a leadership role.

If your current relationship situation is causing you distress - which it sounds from your OP that it is - and you're not able to take steps within the relationship to resolve that distress (like having an honest conversation about the fact that you want to get married and you're not happy with the lack of progress), then frankly I don't think you're ready for marriage. That sort of relationship skill is something you're going to need.

I think really there's no good answer because it varies. I sense your fundamental question is how do you tell if the guy you're dating wants to get married and...that also depends...but I would pray on it and ask him what his thoughts on marriage are. I don't think I as a man would be or should be upset if someone asked me that, but maybe after a few dates or when you get "serious."

Removed.

Far Side Of the Moon said:

As a woman I don't believe in proposing to a man. It doesn't feel natural to me and would make me feel manly... I'd also feel like I'm forcing things.

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I would agree with you on this. I think women proposing to men is a bad idea, for a host of reasons.

However I do think you need to force the issue, at some point. As I said before, I think you should date for a year, and by then you should know if this is real or not.

Mark Gungor has a great story on this, where he had a secretary at his church. He came in one morning and found her crying. Of course he wanted to know what was up. She had been dating this guy over a year, and he didn't seem to have any intention of moving forward.

So he asked her, are you meeting this guy every time he calls? "Oh yes! I'm always there for him!".

He replied that the next time he calls, tell him you are busy. And after that, tell him you are busy again.

If he freaks out, and starts asking what is up, ask him directly "Is this relationship going anywhere, or should I move on?". If he doesn't freak out, then he had no intention of staying with you anyway.

The a week or two later, she's at the desk showing off her new ring.

So even if you are not living with a guy, you still need to put your foot down. Life goes by fast. You can't spending it dating some guy, who is content with you being his 'on-call' girlfriend. You need to make it absolutely clear. Is this going somewhere?

At the same time... no, don't propose. I don't see many couples where that is successful. The very few times I've seen that, it is not a very good relationship.

You want that man, to determine in his own heart, that he wants to make this life commitment.

If a woman proposes to him, and you end up marrying, there is a chance he is going to wake up one morning, and think "you know... I never really wanted this. I just followed her into this.".

And then you end up in troubles. I've seen it happen. I would not do that. You can make it clear that you want to know if this relationship is going to move forward or not, but you leave it to the man to determine if he wants it.

That's my advice....take it or leave it.

Far Side Of the Moon said:

I have no issue with leadership ..I'm just not proposing I don't believe as a woman I should do that. I know how to talk about things that bother me.

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You are perfectly fine. You are one of the most open and honest posters here, and you seem confident to me, in who you are. Don't let anyone take that away from you.

Far Side Of the Moon said:

I really think its good to get this advice from not only seasoned christians but those with experience.

I know some guys will keep their woman in girlfriend mode for 3+ years with no intent to marry but just reap the benefits and I feel like that's so wrong-- because you're literally performing for a ring and the ring could never come...the guy could push the date further and further away or worse...break it off...

resulting in simply being used.

So when should a guy propose?

Id really love to hear from guys young and (advanced in years lol)
because you guys know how men operate..(whether they genuinely like a woman or just stringing her along for the goods). I feel if the particular man is certain about
a woman they wouldn't have to waste too much time knowing whether or not they want to be with that particular woman.

So when should a guy think of marriage?

Ive heard some say a year....

any other perspectives?

Click to expand...

Today was my 35th anniversary.

And in four months, it will be my daughter's second anniversary.

This is what my daughter knows, and I agree:

Christians should "date"--which is to say, have an exclusive unmarried relationship--only Christians and only Christians who are ready for marriage.

"Looking for a mate" should be implicit in the reason why they have entered an exclusive relationship. "Thinking of marriage" should be there from the beginning of an exclusive relationship...and should have been discussed when the exclusive relationship began.

If the man can't say that he's ready for marriage (even if not to you) at the beginning of an exclusive relationship, then he's not ready for an exclusive relationship.

Keep looking.

Immediately and if she isn't interested in marriage in the near future then that's a deal breaker, at least for me. Same goes with women wanting marriage, they should make it clear and try to discern whether the man is serious or trying to string them along out of a desire for sex.

I don't see any point in delaying the conversation when it becomes clear two parties are interested in each other. It can save time and it can prevent potential heartbreak.

Paidiske said:

(like having an honest conversation about the fact that you want to get married and you're not happy with the lack of progress)

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I have absolutely no experience in this area, so I don't know how much stock can be placed in my views, but this is a very important piece of advice. Communication is fundamental in relationships, especially when it comes to something as important as the decision to get married, and I think that should stem from honest discussions rather than the woman just sitting around waiting for the man to propose.

There's nothing wrong with her initiating the conversation about marriage - that's not the same as her proposing. But if she's waiting for him to propose with having ever brought up the subject then maybe he's under the impression that she's not interested in marriage, which is why he hasn't proposed (although I'll concede that a scenario like that is probably less common than him dragging his feet).

But if that sort of discussion has been had and he's constantly giving reasons why they can't get married yet or evading the question then that's probably a sign that the relationship is going nowhere and it would be better to move on.

Andrew77 said:

And you are no longer with the first, and you are still with the second?

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I'd hate add nonessential information to my comments.

I am certainly not typical but I proposed a few minutes into our first official date. She said yes and we have been married 41 years. But we had known each other almost 4 years at that point.

So there is not one size fits all answer. But to go on for more than a couple of years once out of college with no discussion of marriage seems too long.

SkyWriting said:

I'd hate add nonessential information to my comments.

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It was late at night and I wasn't thinking properly, and now after reading the question, it is absolutely ridiculous. My apologize for being a doofus.

Dave-W said:

I am certainly not typical but I proposed a few minutes into our first official date. She said yes and we have been married 41 years. But we had known each other almost 4 years at that point.

So there is not one size fits all answer. But to go on for more than a couple of years once out of college with no discussion of marriage seems too long.

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Ok wow. Proposing on date number one. What do you mean you had known her for 4 years? She worked with you? Went to your church? Because that is a heck of a leap from 1 date, to proposal. If you don't mind me prying a bit. I'm just curious what type of relationship you had, prior to that first date.

I just can't imagine proposing on the first date.

I proposed to my wife after dating her for about a month we only knew each other about 2-3 months. But, I knew she would say yes and I also knew she was the one within weeks of meeting her. Why? Because we started talking about marrying each other before we even started dating. We just instantly fell for each other and it was clearly a match from God.

My grandmother got married within 2 weeks after meeting my grandfather and they were married for over 50 years. I've been married to my wife for 3 years now. I will be married to her until the day I die. Because 1. We believe in the Sanctity of marriage and 2. We just each other that much.

I realize not every relationship is the same but I would say that if your boyfriend hasn't popped the question in a year of say he's probably never going to ask you. Most men propose within a year.