- Jan 18, 2018
- 96
- 85
- 26
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hello, my name is Chance. Before I get started, I would just like to say that I’m sorry if this sounds horrible and for the length of it.
First of all, I’ve been a “Christian” for a few years now. I have a lot of mental illness and I saw the love of God when I was literally battling for what seemed to be my life with Tourette’s sundrome. I was in constant agony from my muscles. Psssing our a lot. Dehydrated and malnourished and living on Carnation breakfast essentials. I was under the delusion for many years that I was better than everyone else. I wanted to pretend I was superior because in my heart, I knew I wasn’t nearly as good as they were.
Anyway, I went through this struggle and I started to feel God’s presence. It was a beautiful white light in my mind that made me feel peace. and I began praying. God actually healed me from this and I was incredibly Grateful. I began to want to be with God and serve him. Until I started doing research on God. The people that I listened to basically told me that God Loves us. Then I started getting deeper and discovering more and more Laws and rules and litterally everything is a sin. Which wasn’t really a huge problem because I trusted in God. But after I started seeing all these people’s views and everything(rather than going by the Bible)I began to see nothing but uncertainty.
After all this, rather than trusting in God, after hearing all of these Bible verses, I began to live in fear. I came to Christ many times and asked for the Holy Spirit and for forgiveness, but I have no faith. I want Christ in my life and I’ve strives to stop sinning. But I’ve never really felt better for more than a few days.
I come to Christ and put trust in him to save me and for a few days, I feel peace and empowerment and love and victory over sins and I see fruit in my life. But then, little by little, I start to doubt and question. All the Bible verses that gave me peace and power suddenly bring fear and condemnation. The view I have of God goes from a loving father and son, to a hateful sovereign angry taskmaster and a cruel unsaving son. I feel no salvation. Then, I begin to get overloaded with anxiety and depression until I have massive backslides into sins. Then, I feel worse, nd as am absolute Blessing, Christ chastens md and pills me out and loves me. Then, the whole cycle starts again.
Honestly, it’s horrible. I live in constant anxiety and Terror and uncertainty. I’ve had every doubt and blasphemy and lie come not my mind and haunt me. I’ve “Blasphemed the Holy Spirit”, “become reprobate”, and “been given up on because God hates me” more times than I can count. I can still repent and I still love and want the Lord desperately, so I don’t think so. But every Bible verse that’s scary is God condemning me and every one that is reassuring is a Lie. I’m in constant condemnation. And it only ends when Christ helps me. Which I worry is running out. I’ve tried asking someone who is a leader about it and he says it’s a Faith problem. But I genuinely want faith. I feel like God has turned me away. But I’ll feel that a lot. This person also said “God’s not going to “understand” you”, when I was wondering if he would have mercy and understanding because of my mental illness. All I think is that it’s impossible to actually Get to Heaven because of something I can’t really control. It seems like God is just waiting to destroy me because of every little thing. I just ant to feel peace. How can I have more faith and not feel like God is going to just surprise me with some sin I didn’t know I was doing, on judgement day. How can I stop having anxiety attacks from reading my Bible and feel like God isn’t out to Get me and actually loves me?
Thank you to anyone who answers me and God bless you.
First of all, I’ve been a “Christian” for a few years now. I have a lot of mental illness and I saw the love of God when I was literally battling for what seemed to be my life with Tourette’s sundrome. I was in constant agony from my muscles. Psssing our a lot. Dehydrated and malnourished and living on Carnation breakfast essentials. I was under the delusion for many years that I was better than everyone else. I wanted to pretend I was superior because in my heart, I knew I wasn’t nearly as good as they were.
Anyway, I went through this struggle and I started to feel God’s presence. It was a beautiful white light in my mind that made me feel peace. and I began praying. God actually healed me from this and I was incredibly Grateful. I began to want to be with God and serve him. Until I started doing research on God. The people that I listened to basically told me that God Loves us. Then I started getting deeper and discovering more and more Laws and rules and litterally everything is a sin. Which wasn’t really a huge problem because I trusted in God. But after I started seeing all these people’s views and everything(rather than going by the Bible)I began to see nothing but uncertainty.
After all this, rather than trusting in God, after hearing all of these Bible verses, I began to live in fear. I came to Christ many times and asked for the Holy Spirit and for forgiveness, but I have no faith. I want Christ in my life and I’ve strives to stop sinning. But I’ve never really felt better for more than a few days.
I come to Christ and put trust in him to save me and for a few days, I feel peace and empowerment and love and victory over sins and I see fruit in my life. But then, little by little, I start to doubt and question. All the Bible verses that gave me peace and power suddenly bring fear and condemnation. The view I have of God goes from a loving father and son, to a hateful sovereign angry taskmaster and a cruel unsaving son. I feel no salvation. Then, I begin to get overloaded with anxiety and depression until I have massive backslides into sins. Then, I feel worse, nd as am absolute Blessing, Christ chastens md and pills me out and loves me. Then, the whole cycle starts again.
Honestly, it’s horrible. I live in constant anxiety and Terror and uncertainty. I’ve had every doubt and blasphemy and lie come not my mind and haunt me. I’ve “Blasphemed the Holy Spirit”, “become reprobate”, and “been given up on because God hates me” more times than I can count. I can still repent and I still love and want the Lord desperately, so I don’t think so. But every Bible verse that’s scary is God condemning me and every one that is reassuring is a Lie. I’m in constant condemnation. And it only ends when Christ helps me. Which I worry is running out. I’ve tried asking someone who is a leader about it and he says it’s a Faith problem. But I genuinely want faith. I feel like God has turned me away. But I’ll feel that a lot. This person also said “God’s not going to “understand” you”, when I was wondering if he would have mercy and understanding because of my mental illness. All I think is that it’s impossible to actually Get to Heaven because of something I can’t really control. It seems like God is just waiting to destroy me because of every little thing. I just ant to feel peace. How can I have more faith and not feel like God is going to just surprise me with some sin I didn’t know I was doing, on judgement day. How can I stop having anxiety attacks from reading my Bible and feel like God isn’t out to Get me and actually loves me?
Thank you to anyone who answers me and God bless you.