- Feb 22, 2016
- 683
- 1,179
- 30
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Lutheran
- Marital Status
- Single
I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).
I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.
I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.
I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.
And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.
I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).
I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.
I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.
I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.
I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.
And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.
I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).
I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.