ChristopherinLA

Active Member
Nov 10, 2017
69
44
44
Los Angeles
✟24,994.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Sometimes when my wife and I have arguments she brings up things that my pastor or my pastor's wife said about me to strengthen her argument. These things get under my skin more than the argument itself because the pastor or pastor's wife did not tell me these things directly. This issue has been going on for about a year. For example my wife said that the pastor said I am "rigid" or "militant" about my faith and the pastor's wife said I "take church too seriously". My wife tries to downplay these things because she works on the church staff and I am not privy to all the internal conversations and context in which any comments were made so she says I should not be so worked up. This issue really bothers me and yesterday after she told me what the pastor's wife said, I told her I am considering possibly finding a new church. I am really just hurt that these things are not being directed to me and also the way my wife is using it as ammo during arguments hurts although I do consider the feedback as possibly constructive. Am I being irrational? Should I just overlook this? Any advice is appreciated.

Edit: Here's the context of the things that were said by the pastor and his wife:

My wife had a meeting with the pastor where they were discussing the children's ministry program and he was asking her how she's doing spiritually, how marriage is going, i.e. normal pastoral stuff. My wife brought up explained an issue we had when I wanted her to pray with me more often but she resisted it because she wanted prayer to be more spontaneous and my way was too routine and structured. He then made the comment perhaps in empathy that I could be seen as "rigid" and "militant" with my faith.

In regards to the other comment from the pastor's wife, they had a prophet prophesy over the church staff and their spouses. He said to me, among other things, that I could grow if I allowed "church to be fun". The next day they had a group debriefing (without me there), and she said that this prophecy makes a lot of sense for me because "I take church too seriously" .
 
Last edited:

Dave L

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Jun 28, 2018
15,549
5,875
USA
✟580,110.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Sometimes when my wife and I have arguments she brings up things that my pastor or my pastor's wife said about me to strengthen her argument. These things get under my skin more than the argument itself because the pastor or pastor's wife did not tell me these things directly. This issue has been going on for about a year. For example my wife said that the pastor said I am "rigid" or "militant" about my faith and the pastor's wife said I "take church too seriously". My wife tries to downplay these things because she works on the church staff and I am not privy to all the internal conversations and context in which any comments were made so she says I should not be so worked up. This issue really bothers me and yesterday after she told me what the pastor's wife I said I told her I am considering even thinking of finding a new church because of it. I am really just hurt that these things are not being directed to me and also the way my wife is using it as ammo during arguments hurts too. Any advice is appreciated.
You do not need a wedge like this in your marriage. What's the divorce rate like in this church?
 
Upvote 0

Dave-W

Welcoming grandchild #7, Arturus Waggoner!
Supporter
Jun 18, 2014
30,521
16,866
Maryland - just north of D.C.
Visit site
✟771,800.00
Country
United States
Faith
Messianic
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
Per Matt 15, you need to confront the pastor and his wife over those statements.

Or you may find that she is making up stuff; since you are not there to have heard it yourself. In which case both you and the pastor need to confront your wife over her lying about what the pastor said.
 
Upvote 0

Dave L

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Jun 28, 2018
15,549
5,875
USA
✟580,110.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
The church is maybe 6 years old and small. There have not been any divorces.
It seems highly unprofessional for all involved to be discussing you behind your back on church work time.
 
Upvote 0

ChristopherinLA

Active Member
Nov 10, 2017
69
44
44
Los Angeles
✟24,994.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
It seems highly unprofessional for all involved to be discussing you behind your back on church work time.

Well she says the are not "discussing me" per se but rather these are just casual comments, but I think what happens is that the pastor does check in with each staff person to see how they are doing once in a while and I think that's when the comment was made, during a one on one pastoral counseling type meeting.
 
Upvote 0

Dave L

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Jun 28, 2018
15,549
5,875
USA
✟580,110.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Well she says the are not "discussing me" per se but rather these are just casual comments, but I think what happens is that the pastor does check in with each staff person to see how they are doing once in a while and I think that's when the comment was made, during a one on one pastoral counseling type meeting.
Personally, I think one on one is highly questionable when it involves a married couple. You should either both be present or decline the meeting.
 
Upvote 0

mama2one

Well-Known Member
Apr 8, 2018
9,161
10,089
U.S.A.
✟257,683.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
not right that your wife is discussing you at work
I don't remember ever talking about husband at any of my jobs although some woman did

ask your wife to please not discuss you at work
you certainly don't want "your business" going all around the church

sometimes church people do gossip
 
Upvote 0

eleos1954

God is Love
Supporter
Nov 14, 2017
9,696
5,613
Utah
✟713,367.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Single
Politics
US-Others
Sometimes when my wife and I have arguments she brings up things that my pastor or my pastor's wife said about me to strengthen her argument. These things get under my skin more than the argument itself because the pastor or pastor's wife did not tell me these things directly. This issue has been going on for about a year. For example my wife said that the pastor said I am "rigid" or "militant" about my faith and the pastor's wife said I "take church too seriously". My wife tries to downplay these things because she works on the church staff and I am not privy to all the internal conversations and context in which any comments were made so she says I should not be so worked up. This issue really bothers me and yesterday after she told me what the pastor's wife said, I told her I am considering possibly finding a new church. I am really just hurt that these things are not being directed to me and also the way my wife is using it as ammo during arguments hurts although I do consider the feedback as possibly constructive. Am I being irrational? Should I just overlook this? Any advice is appreciated.

Proverbs 26:20
20 Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down.

Try not to listen to or partake in it.
 
Upvote 0

ChristopherinLA

Active Member
Nov 10, 2017
69
44
44
Los Angeles
✟24,994.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Per Matt 15, you need to confront the pastor and his wife over those statements.

Or you may find that she is making up stuff; since you are not there to have heard it yourself. In which case both you and the pastor need to confront your wife over her lying about what the pastor said.

I think you are referring to Matthew 15:18-20? "18 But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what defile a person; but eating with unwashed hands does not defile them.”

How are the things that have been said about me defiling? After all, I'm not exactly agreeing or disagreeing with what they are saying, I'm just offended I guess because my wife is telling me about them during arguments and I don't really know why they are saying these things.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

Chaplain David

CF Chaplain
Nov 26, 2007
15,968
2,353
USA
✟284,152.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
Sometimes when my wife and I have arguments she brings up things that my pastor or my pastor's wife said about me to strengthen her argument. These things get under my skin more than the argument itself because the pastor or pastor's wife did not tell me these things directly. This issue has been going on for about a year. For example my wife said that the pastor said I am "rigid" or "militant" about my faith and the pastor's wife said I "take church too seriously". My wife tries to downplay these things because she works on the church staff and I am not privy to all the internal conversations and context in which any comments were made so she says I should not be so worked up. This issue really bothers me and yesterday after she told me what the pastor's wife said, I told her I am considering possibly finding a new church. I am really just hurt that these things are not being directed to me and also the way my wife is using it as ammo during arguments hurts although I do consider the feedback as possibly constructive. Am I being irrational? Should I just overlook this? Any advice is appreciated.
Hi, I don`t think the pastor should be gossiping about you. That your wife is in the middle of this is not good for either of you. I would start looking for another church. There are many that would be really good for you both. God bless.
 
Upvote 0

maintenance man

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Sep 29, 2018
1,292
1,759
California
Visit site
✟476,903.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Am I being irrational? Should I just overlook this? Any advice is appreciated.

Context is everything.

Exactly what did your wife tell the pastor and his wife and what did they say in response?

1. Ask your wife not do discuss your relationship with the pastor and his wife without your consent.
2. Ask the pastor what happened and tell him you're uncomfortable with it.

Without the precise context we can't know if this was an innocent comment or something out of bounds.

My guess is that whatever the pastor said was an effort to help. If he was clumsy in his effort he needs to know.
 
Upvote 0

aiki

Regular Member
Feb 16, 2007
10,874
4,348
Winnipeg
✟236,528.00
Country
Canada
Faith
Baptist
Marital Status
Married
It seems to me you are doing exactly what the pastor and his wife are doing by not talking to them directly about things concerning them that bother you. They won't tell you to your face that you are "militant" or "too rigid" and you won't tell them to their face that you resent their comments made about you behind your back. God's command to you in His word isn't to passive-aggressively quit the church but to directly confront the pastor (and his wife) about their comments. Read Matthew 18:15-17. If you're going to be obedient to God, this is the course all of you ought to be taking when offenses arise. It's God's way and the best way to handle problems between believers.

It is not good that you can be so easily persuaded to dump the fellowship of believers of which you are part. Your casual commitment to your church shows a serious misunderstanding concerning what it means to be a member of the Body of Christ, the Church.

One other thing: There is clearly something wrong between you and your wife that goes beyond her rehearsing unkind comments about you from the pastor and his wife. That your wife allows them to speak disparagingly of you and then repeats those remarks to you indicates a serious lack of love for you on her part (and on the part of your pastor/pastor's wife). You could use the help of a good, biblical marriage counselor, it seems.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

ChristopherinLA

Active Member
Nov 10, 2017
69
44
44
Los Angeles
✟24,994.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Context is everything.

Exactly what did your wife tell the pastor and his wife and what did they say in response?

1. Ask your wife not do discuss your relationship with the pastor and his wife without your consent.
2. Ask the pastor what happened and tell him you're uncomfortable with it.

Without the precise context we can't know if this was an innocent comment or something out of bounds.

My guess is that whatever the pastor said was an effort to help. If he was clumsy in his effort he needs to know.

Here's the context of the things that were said by the pastor and his wife:

My wife had a meeting with the pastor where they were discussing the children's ministry program and he was asking her how she's doing spiritually, how marriage is going, i.e. normal pastoral stuff. My wife brought up explained an issue we had when I wanted her to pray with me more often but she resisted it because she wanted prayer to be more spontaneous and my way was too routine and structured. He then made the comment perhaps in empathy that I could be seen as "rigid" and "militant" with my faith.

In regards to the other comment from the pastor's wife, they had a prophet prophesy over the church staff and their spouses. He said to me, among other things, that I could grow if I allowed "church to be fun". The next day they had a group debriefing (without me there), and she said that this prophecy makes a lot of sense for me because "I take church too seriously" .
 
Upvote 0

maintenance man

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Sep 29, 2018
1,292
1,759
California
Visit site
✟476,903.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Here's the context of the things that were said by the pastor and his wife:

My wife had a meeting with the pastor where they were discussing the children's ministry program and he was asking her how she's doing spiritually, how marriage is going, i.e. normal pastoral stuff. My wife brought up explained an issue we had when I wanted her to pray with me more often but she resisted it because she wanted prayer to be more spontaneous and my way was too routine and structured. He then made the comment perhaps in empathy that I could be seen as "rigid" and "militant" with my faith.

In regards to the other comment from the pastor's wife, they had a prophet prophesy over the church staff and their spouses. He said to me, among other things, that I could grow if I allowed "church to be fun". The next day they had a group debriefing (without me there), and she said that this prophecy makes a lot of sense for me because "I take church too seriously" .


This all sounds innocent to me.

Although, "militant' is a weird word to use about someone's faith.

So the question becomes: Are you "rigid" and "militant" about your faith? And, do you take church too seriously?

It sounds like everyone wants you to lighten up a bit. Is that valid?

Perhaps you have a good reason to be more serious than others think you should.
 
Upvote 0

ChristopherinLA

Active Member
Nov 10, 2017
69
44
44
Los Angeles
✟24,994.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
This all sounds innocent to me.

Although, "militant' is a weird word to use about someone's faith.

So the question becomes: Are you "rigid" and "militant" about your faith? And, do you take church too seriously?

It sounds like everyone wants you to lighten up a bit. Is that valid?

Perhaps you have a good reason to be more serious than others think you should.

I can see how one might see my relationship with Jesus and faith as rigid, especially when one does not value the things I value. I am much more passionate about learning and seeking knowledge and the deeper things of God than my wife and others in my church, and my wife has often given me feedback that my discipline is "religious" rather than flexible and Holy Spirit led. I mostly disagree and believe that I am Holy Spirit led although I do make changes so I can lead her better.

I don't know why I would be called "militant." Possibly, due to my views of standing up for the rights of unborn children that my pastor was hesitant to bless one time when I told him about praying in front of an abortion clinic.

I care a lot about the church I attend, yes, maybe a bit too much. But this does not mean I do not have fun at church. Maybe I would have more fun if I did not care as much as I do, but it is hard to lessen. I want to see many great things happen at my church but I don't see it happening and I guess I feel like my church sees my faith as too radical or religiously driven to give me any type of a voice so I feel kind of shut out and maybe it shows.
 
Upvote 0

maintenance man

Well-Known Member
Supporter
Sep 29, 2018
1,292
1,759
California
Visit site
✟476,903.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
I want to see many great things happen at my church but I don't see it happening and I guess I feel like my church sees my faith as too radical or religiously driven to give me any type of a voice so I feel kind of shut out and maybe it shows.

Keep in mind my opinion on this is mostly a guess because I don't know you, I don't know your pastor, I don't know your wife, and I don't know your church...

I can see how your pastor might use the word "militant" for praying in front of an abortion clinic. Perhaps he simply doesn't see value in direct confrontation. I can argue that either way.

It sounds like you're "on fire for God" which used to be a good thing.

I can understand your desire to see your church doing more - I feel the same way about the church I attend - but over the years I've come to understand the dilemma the pastor faces. His first duty is to God, but he also has to pay the bills, meet payroll, and plan for long term maintenance - hence he has to be focused on attendance. He doesn't want to do anything that might upset attendance. A friendly middle of the road approach often takes over and anything that looks slightly like it might upset someone, or make someone feel uncomfortable, is frowned upon. Trying new things often makes people uncomfortable and if they don't deliver results it can cause attendance to begin to fall.

For me, I've learned to trust my pastor. I believe he is a man of God and he is absolutely doing his best to pastor our church according to the way he believes God is directing him. I bring ideas to him from time to time that I believe would greatly expand the churches effectiveness but for the most part they have been politely rejected. So, I've started looking outside of my local church for other ministries that are doing those things my local church is reluctant to do.

In regards to your wife, I would hope you would want her to follow her own spiritual path. I think you encouraging her to pray with you more is a wonderful thing if it is a request and not a demand. As I'm sure you know, prayer is all about talking with God - too often when people pray in front of other people they say things specifically for the other people listening to hear - every word of a prayer should be directed toward God. For that reason, some people prefer to be alone with God.

This is a deeper discussion you'll need to have with your wife. Clearly there are some things you two need to work through. I'm praying you both step back and listen to each other with an open heart and find a way to move forward that brings glory to God.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

ChristopherinLA

Active Member
Nov 10, 2017
69
44
44
Los Angeles
✟24,994.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Keep in mind my opinion on this is mostly a guess because I don't know you, I don't know your pastor, I don't know your wife, and I don't know your church...

I can see how your pastor might use the word "militant" for praying in front of an abortion clinic. Perhaps he simply doesn't see value in direct confrontation. I can argue that either way.

It sounds like you're "on fire for God" which used to be a good thing.

I can understand your desire to see your church doing more - I feel the same way about the church I attend - but over the years I've come to understand the dilemma the pastor faces. His first duty is to God, but he also has to pay the bills, meet payroll, and plan for long term maintenance - hence he has to be focused on attendance. He doesn't want to do anything that might upset attendance. A friendly middle of the road approach often takes over and anything that looks slightly like it might upset someone, or make someone feel uncomfortable, is frowned upon. Trying new things often makes people uncomfortable and if they don't deliver results it can cause attendance to begin to fall.

For me, I've learned to trust my pastor. I believe he is a man of God and he is absolutely doing his best to pastor our church according to the way he believes God is directing him. I bring ideas to him from time to time that I believe would greatly expand the churches effectiveness but for the most part they have been politely rejected. So, I've started looking outside of my local church for other ministries that are doing those things my local church is reluctant to do.

In regards to your wife, I would hope you would want her to follow her own spiritual path. I think you encouraging her to pray with you more is a wonderful thing if it is a request and not a demand. As I'm sure you know, prayer is all about talking with God - too often when people pray in front of other people they say things specifically for the other people listening to hear - every word of a prayer should be directed toward God. For that reason, some people prefer to be alone with God.

This is a deeper discussion you'll need to have with your wife. Clearly there are some things you two need to work through. I'm praying you both step back and listen to each other with an open heart and find a way to move forward that brings glory to God.

It sounds like you have gone through some similar issues with your church and pastor and found ways to remain content in your walk with God and faithful to your church and pastor. I will definitely consider different outlets where I can exercise the things God has put on my heart. Thank you for helping me gain this vision.
 
Upvote 0