• The General Mental Health Forum is now a Read Only Forum. As we had two large areas making it difficult for many to find, we decided to combine the Mental Health & the Recovery sections of the forum into Mental Health & Recovery as a whole. Physical Health still remains as it's own area within the entire Recovery area.

    If you are having struggles, need support in a particular area that you aren't finding a specific recovery area forum, you may find the General Struggles forum a great place to post. Any any that is related to emotions, self-esteem, insomnia, anger, relationship dynamics due to mental health and recovery and other issues that don't fit better in another forum would be examples of topics that might go there.

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What have I done wrong!?

TANKERx

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Hi,

I'm new here but I did a web search on 'Lonely Christian' because I'm just at the end of my tether.

Please forgive me this 'pitty-party' and for taking advantage of any good will that is here, but I just want to say something to someone and hopefully someone can tell me just waht on earth I should do.

I'm a 29 year old single guy who is training to be a church elder. People think I'm so spiritual and 'together' because of my outgoing personality and (alleged) ability to preach but inside, I am torn to pieces with the strongest feelings of isolation and loneliness and inadequacy. This is compounded with guilt because I see that with what's going on in the world, with friends and family suffering, my self obsession is nothing short of wrong.

No matter what I do, I feel that people betray me, offer me empty words of consolation, look for ways to stab me in the back and make me look and sound stupid.

Because I don't know what a friend is any more, I don't know how to be a friend any more. I get 'spurts' of friendship as people feel I can offer them support, encouregement, fix their computer or give them a lift in my car and then they naff off once someone 'cooler' comes along.

I've even had someone today (the straw that's breaking this camel's back) e-mail me to tell me that she doesn't want to talk to me any more because someone asked her if we were dating. No matter what I do, I end up looking like the freak. In this case, I didn't go starting conversations, starting chats or asking her to tell me her problems, and we've only chatted three times anyway and yet I'm made out to look like a stalker!

So I said "Ok, I'll keep away. I can live with that" and then she has a go at me telling me that she does want to keep in touch. I don't fancy her, don't want people to think that I do because then I get sympathy from some who feel sorry for me in fancying someone who doesn't fancy me, laughing from others who think it's funny that I should try and fancy someone and then some say "Whoa! Go for it me ol' son!".

Why do I get the feeling that I'm so much at other people's beck and call that they can dump me when I'm not even dating them, and I don't want to date them!!!!!???????

And when this kind of thing happens, I back off and they tell me that I don't care for them any more.

With nobody my own age to talk to, a pastor that thinks that when I say I'm lonely what I actually mean is "I want sex", a family who assumes that any girl I talk to is a girl I want to marry, friends who vanish at the first sight of a better time, an inability to be honest and actually tell people what I think, I'm wondering what's wrong with me? :help:

I feel that the only way to deal with it is to cut myself off from everyone, then some people come and say "join us!" and, because I don't want to offend them, I join them only to have them run away.

I just want to cry, but men don't cry so I can't. :(

I don't want to be self obsessed, I want to reach out to people. When people say that I've helped them and ministered to them, it makes me feel that I actually have a purpose, so why am I so lonely all the time?

I'm not insecure about what I know to be truth. What I know, I know. But my feelings get the better of me so often and I just want to scream at someone and tell them that they don't understand, that yes I am a freak and no, I don't know what it has to do with them.

As far as relationships are concerned, I try and be the perfect gentleman and yet the girls nick off with someone who treats them like an accessory. And where is the church when I need it, particularly since in this particlular area, my closest friend and confidente is a Muslim?

I know I'm being stupid, I know I'm being selfish, I know I'm dull, but I don't know what to do!!!!!!!

If I knew what to do, I'd do it. But everything seems to look like a formula or a magic spell to get God to fulfil a certain function - and I know that's wrong!

I get hurt, end up hurting others, make a mess and then try to start all over again.

Please, can someone offer help for this fool? Is there such a thing as a trustworthy friend?

Am I doomed to be alone forever without friend or partner?

I wouldn't feel so lonely if there was nobody about. I wouldn't feel so stupid if I didn't expose myself and wear my heart on my sleeve.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Didymus

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there is NOTHING wrong with you. for some reason you seem to attract shallow people. you are right crying dosen t help.
stop worrying about what other people think about you so much. don t try so hard to be liked. i don t mean be rude. but don t be a doormat either. I have been hurt and let down by Christains and churches so much i don t trust them any more then i do non-saved people now. there are a few who are ok.
You will find that there are quite a few people here who have had similar problems. please stay and post here. there are people here who care .
and maybe it s time you got mad and yelled at your family and pastor and told them how you feel and to back off. they aren t mind readers. so they get mad . they will get over it.
 
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Tanker x , I know how you feel! because that is the way I feel sometimes. At times I am so lonely I want to cry !I have very strong beleifs in God and sometimes I come across as arrogant and pushy and say things I don't mean!I try very hard to try not to care what others think, but it does hurt!I teach Sunday school, but don;t feel part of things at my church, but I go there to worship GOD not man, And I will constantly try to do the will of God I pray asking for His direction all the time! Hang in there because Goid loves you more than any one else can!I am praying for you!And you have a freind here!:wave: :pray:
 
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JoieDeVivre

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Hi TANKERx!

First of all, let's get it out of the way. You're not a freak and you're not being self-obssessed or selfish. You recognize the existence of a problem and want to deal with it. There's nothing freakish about that. It's normal behavior for people to want to find the root of their problems and the corresponding remedy.

Truth be told, your problems baffle me. You sound like a nice enough guy-- you minister to people and go out of your way to help them and they repay you either by stabbing you in the back or abandoning you!? Very strange. Has this been happening all your life or just recently? What about your family? Do you get any support from them?

People think I'm so spiritual and 'together' because of my outgoing personality and (alleged) ability to preach but inside, I am torn to pieces with the strongest feelings of isolation and loneliness and inadequacy.

Is it possible that since you're spiritual people assume you're problem-free and hence don't need anything from them?

I hope I can be of more help when you answer my questions. You've come to the right place. There are lots of nice people here who will be happy to be your friend. Take care and God bless. I shall be praying for you.
 
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Hey Bro,

Yea, good friends are hard to find, no doubt. Finding someone trustworthy is like finding a treasure. Being 29 and single myself I know exactly where you are with statements about sometimes feeling lonely, etc., thought I can't believe a pastor would take feeling "lonely" as only wanting sex. I'd feel pretty safe to say that he was never 29 single and Christian, but I hear ya bro, I totally understand.

As far as dealing with the ladies, yea, that's a tough area. Definitely have to be careful. I can't say I know what it must be like to be working to be a church leader as a single guy. Having everyone's eyes on you constantly would be very stressful. You do seem to be dealing ladies that have some serious issues, which makes it more of a circus. Maybe you need to learn to refer ladies that come to you for advice to other ladies in the church. As far women going for the guys who don't treat them right, that's nothing new, and a mystery that is unlikely to be solved anytime soon. I have not had much luck with the ladies myself, so I wouldn't recommend asking me for advice in that area :) of course .... stereotyping women in general will never get you anywhere, I just know what I've seen from my own limited experience with them.

You sound like you try to be a "nice guy" too much. I have a bit of the same problem myself, so I know. You sound like you have given given given to the point where you have nothing left for yourself, let alone anything left to give to someone else. ....selfish sounds like LAST thing you are... think of it like an emotional bank account. You cannot continue to make unlimited withdrawals without making the occasional deposit. Whether that deposit comes from a friend or in the form of quiet time with God, they both can serve as good ways to get some gas put back in your tank. Don't be afraid to tell people "You know ... I'd love to join your group tonight, but I just need a little time with the Lord to recharge". Any good Christian is going to recognize that need, that we all have from time to time and at the very least respect it. If you tell someone that and they offer anything back but encouragement, then they are not worth your time anyway. Obviously a friend is going to want to probe you to find out what is going on and try to help, but since you say you don't really have any friends you can count on, Let the Lord be your help.

I am sorry that you feel you have no friends you can rely on who will encourage you in the Lord. You have said so much here in your post that I could not possibly address it all here. About the best I can offer you is that if you need another nearly 30 single Christian brother in Christ who has been there and to a large degree is still there, your welcome to IM me. AOL MSN Yahoo ICQ, I gott'em all.

Grace and peace to you my Brother.
 
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ZiSunka

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Tanker, you are under spiritual attack. Paul said that we can win the spiritual battle by:
1. self-control--take charge of your mind and don't let satan get a foothold in your mind
2. resistence--resist the temptations that ome your way, even the temptation to throw a pity-party or to indulge in self-doubt
3. transform--renew your mind by concentrating on the truth and agreeing to God's view of things instead of dwelling on the way the world sees things
4. submit to God--give yourself over to Him for His purposes, even if you don't like it or think you have what it takes to accomplish it.
 
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vibrant

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first:  :hug:

from my perspective, the fight you have on your hands is defending yourself against all the negative feedback you've received, not actually winning friends.

once you become proud of who you are ... realizing that you're not stupid, selfish, dull, or impossible to love, that you can be as emotionally strong as you seem to be spiritually (congrats on the church elder aspirations), and that you can simply be in need of friends ... they will come.

scratch that to make a friend we have to be a friend. to make deep, long lasting friendships, we have to "wear our heart on our sleeves" and be vulnerable. it can get us burnt, and sometimes we'd rather just protect our heart and our pride, but i hear the benefits are incredible.
 
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ukok

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TankerX,

I'm sad to hear about your struggles and i'd like to offer you support.  I am pleased that you found CF, you should find some good fellowship here.  I have, and i'm relatively new to this discussion board myself. 

I know that it seems that good friends are thin on the ground, i've had my fair share of that too.  But to be honest my friend, it's better to have one or two really good one's that you can really rely on than a lot of false friends who disappear when you need someone to lean on.

Sometime's I wonder just how many people I could count on "in a storm", and the answer always starts with the name of Jesus...as long as you've got him, you'll get through this somehow.

I'm sure that you have a lot to offer, it seem's like you're just having a difficult time at the moment, obviously others have somehow overlooked your qualities, their loss really isn't it ?

ukok
 
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TankerX:

I want to encourage you as a brother in Lord, and I hope you will take heart because other Christians on this board also care.  So the first thing to clear up in your own mind is that YOUR ARE NEVER ALL BY YOURSELF IF YOU ARE IN CHRIST. The Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit are all within you, beside you, and around you.

Let's address some of your pain: "inside, I am torn to pieces with the strongest feelings of isolation and loneliness and inadequacy." RESPONSE: You now know that you are not isolated from the Lord, which in the end is the only thing that matters. As to inadequacy, that is your perception of yourself apart from the Lord.  Just as you accepted in SIMPLE FAITH what Christ did for you on the Cross, you must now accept with the same faith what He is doing within you: "For it is GOD THAT WORKETH IN YOU, both to will and to do of His good pleasure."  (Phil. 2:13). If you don't believe this, then your real problem is not other people, but your own UNBELIEF.  Think about it.

Notice what the Lord said about His own isolation: "Behold, the hour cometh, yea, is now come, that ye shall be scattered, every man to his own, and SHALL LEAVE ME ALONE; AND YET I AM NOT ALONE, BECAUSE THE FATHER IS WITH ME" (John 16:32)

"This is compounded with guilt because I see that with what's going on in the world, with friends and family suffering, my self obsession is nothing short of wrong." RESPONSE: "These things have I spoken unto you, that IN ME YE MIGHT HAVE PEACE.  In the world ye shall have tribulation: BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER; I have overcome the world" (John 16:33).  Again, do you believe this is true for you by simple faith?

I won't address any of your other issues, because if unbelief is really the root of the problem, you have to repair your shield of faith. "Faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the Word of God" (Rom. 10:17). It could be that you do not spend enough time in God's Word, so your focus is on yourself instead of on Him who is Almighty.
 
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LittleLauraLost

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Hi,
Welcome to CF you are assured of support here. You sound like a really nice guy but I have to totally disagree with your beliefs on men crying:cry:. If you need to cry then go ahead have a good cry, it can act like a cleansing and may do you the world of good. Men CAN cry, Jesus cried so please let go of those beliefs.

Lecture over. It sounds like you've had a run of rotten friendships because you are such a kind caring person, after so many knocks it's hard to trust.
Maybe time talking it over with the Lord asking Him to show you what direction to take etc. I think you should try to believe in yourself more, love yourself and try to think about yourself and not about pleasing others all the time then you will earn the respect of real friends. Try not to worry about what others may think if it's right between you and God, then it's OK.

Yes, there is such a thing as a trustworthy friend; JESUS let Him love and guide you. You write about many things that are wrong ie: "yes, I am a freak"!
Try writing a list of these things and then ask youself questions, like; well am I?
why am i? What is a freak? Is this really how others see me? and so on. Hope you get my drift. Sometimes when you simply break all these negative thoughts down and challenge them you may find you have been believing quite wrongly about them.

I only say all these things to you from experience it has been a long haul for me but well worth it.:clap:
You sound a lovely man so I hope it all works out for you. I'll pray for you.:pray:

Love Laura:pink:
 
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DaveKerwin

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I am not sure you should be a church elder right now, with what you described as a front that you put on, and people see you differently than for who you really are. I would take some time for healing.

In terms of the woman issue, let it go. Women can act in ways that we don't understand. If you were to talk with her long enough, you may understand what is really going on, but she has asked that you do not, so just let it go. I have found that when you don't push the issue with a woman, she will come around. Have you considered that God may want you single so you can be in full service to him?
 
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TANKERx

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Thanks Dave. I have since spoken to her and things are back to 'normal' (if there is such a thing).

As for the church elder thing, I am in total agreement with you. The training period is supposed to be 2 years and I'm one and a quarter years into it. I've already asked my pastor for longer (it's not uncommon for the training period to be extended anyway) and I hope that this request will be viewed favourably.

Finally, in regard to the singleness issue; I have considered it, don't like it, but am willing to follow it (since there is nobody breaking my heart in that way right now, it's not an issue :) yet ).

Thanks
 
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DaveKerwin

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Glad to hear you straightened things out. Maybe post in the men's forum next time a woman issue comes up, before something actually happens. I learned a lot in the past year about women (I should put my foot in my mouth now.. lol) and I feel that I understand a good deal more about how the whole thing works. If you ever want to discuss this type of thing, PM me and maybe we can learn from each other.

I feel Genesis 2:18 when it says it is not good that man should be alone. But at the same time, I feel the verse that says we could be single and be in full service to God. I want to be married, but God may not give that to me. But I have been dating someone for a while now who I took a long time to find. I had a list of important qualifications that I needed a woman to meet before I would date her. If you have not made one of these yourself, I suggest you do so. Hold out and trust God. Make your ways his, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
 
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Well TANKERx.  It's usually us who God calls.  People don't understand me either and it's really there own fault that they don't.  If people don't love you the way Christ has called us to love each other they won't take the time to get past the "what it looks like" and get down to the what is it that makes you tick.  It takes patience, forgiveness, kindness and all the other things that go with it.  Love isn't always a "feel good" thing it takes a lot of work and commitment.  Love also sometimes has to be tough.

We're suppose to love each other as we want to be loved.  But you can't do this if you don't know how.  Love is something like everything else it has to be learned.  To learn to love yourself first the way Jesus does is a step in a very positive direction.  You will then be able to love other people in His way which is enourmasly powerful.  People will be either drawn to you or reject you but you will be able to still love them either way.

 
 
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endure

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are you asking the lord to send you people who will stand by you and offer you what you need?

the simple answer to your last questions is "no"

theres nothing wrong with you, and no this isnt how God will is and it wont stay this way forever.
we just have to learn how to go through the valleys and not expect to be taken out of them, sometimes the closer we get to God and more like him we become, the more many people dont know how to relate and dont want to be around us.
yeah you do lose alot of stuff the moment you decide to no longer comprimise, but so beit, whatever gives God glory.

but no, dont worry, there are people out there just like you who are going through the same thing.
yeah it sucks, but the godly people get all the **** dumped on them.
like paul told timothy in 2 timothy 2.10-12
how he had gone through so much trouble for his mission for God, yet...all who live godly will be persecuted.
the devil causes many things to happen for no other reason than to get you to compromise.
 
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GodOwnsMe

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um. 1st off I know a little little bit where you come from cause of what I've been treated like by some ppl.........
1) the fault I made was worry way too much about what people think about me from one point... it is so important to me that God loves me just as I am, and He's the best friend in the world and loves us like mad that somehow is enough I think....... there's a cool line from a song that goes
in my weakness I find, that Your strength knows no bounds
and in my lonelyness I find, that the everlasting arms surround me
(What a Child is meant to be by Kathryn Scott I think)

ask God to supply for all Your needs, keep talking to Him and relying on Him to carry you thru this :) Ask Him to help you love and forgive people,
well be honest to the people that mean something to you, try and tell them how they hurt you in a loving kinda way..............
let God comfort you and fill that hole.
God cares and he rocks :pink: so don't let things get you down.........
nothing can divide you from His love........ :hug:
God Bless you bro :)
Father, please make things work out best for TANKERx, comfort and restore him and draw him all close to You. Help him place things in Your hands and fill his heart with Your love, peace and joy. In Jesus' mihgty name. Amen

Here's a devo I just looked at, dunno if it fits so cool but here it goes :)

So you’re different?

“Blessed are you when men hate you,

When they exclude you and insult you

And reject your name as evil,

Because of the Son of man”

- Luke 6:22



Someone got you down? Maybe people make fun of you for no reason? Or you don’t get invited to hang out with your friends sometimes?

My friend and I were playing hacky sack about half a week ago, just minding our own business. Then a group of 15 and 16 yr old guys drive up and start hitting on us. We refused and ignored them, so they got mad, threw water balloons at us, and drove away cussing at us. We were drenched and embarrassed. As humans, our first reaction was to get angry and plot revenge. Although we never did anything in spite of the stupid boys, God looked at our hearts when that happened. Our hearts were full of spite and malice. We kept thinking, “Why would they pick on us? We were just minding our own business…” but the truth is that people are stupid and cruel. They were just seeking innocent people to make feel horrible, and that they got.

In Luke 6:22 it says that we are blessed when other curse us or insult us. I really like how at then end the part about “because of the Son of man” was added in. It’s true, as Christians we are going to go through more trials and hard times because Satan sees our weaknesses and attacks them. But the Lord knows this and give us this promise in 2 Corinthians 1:5, “For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” Also, he lets us know why we are tested in our faith in James 1:3-5, “The testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.”

Also, you might think…well what causes the insulting and ridicule for Christ’s benefit? Was it because I wore pink polka dot socks the other day (no way, pink polka dot socks are cool)? Well actually most people do make fun of others because they are different. What’s the solution? Just try to blend in and hope no one notices you or picks on you? NO! God calls us to be different in 2 Corinthians 6:17, “Therefore come out from them and be separate.”

So wait? Are you telling me to purposely be different so that people will make fun of me? Hmm…yes! You see when you open yourself us to ridicule then you give people a chance to see Christ shine through. When they put you down, all you have to do is remember Luke 6:27-28, “…Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” When the people who make fun of you see that you aren’t affected in a negative way, they begin to notice stuff like that. There’s your opportunity to let people know by your actions that you stand firm for Christ. “But someone will say, ‘you have faith but I have deeds.’ Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do” – James 2:18. So there you go, walk the walk and let Christ shine through you in ALL you do. J Have a great day!

In His guidance,
Kristen Davenport
 
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