Ask God. Be honest “Lord I don’t desire to give these sins up, but they are against you and I want to love you. Please open my eyes to how evil they are and give me the grace to sincerely repent.”
I’ve been struggling letting go of old habits. I was a total recluse in the past, and if I wasn’t with my close friends I was at home gaming/watching YouTube/doing something at home. I realize these things were idols and while I repented of putting them over God I realize how hard it is for me to completely let them go. By His grace I have drastically cut back the time I spend on gaming (and not put it over work/church/fellowship), but to fully let it go if I am called to would be extremely difficult.
I would, but out of fear of punishment. I’ve tried several days for several months trying to forsake everything in my heart and stop enjoying all hobbies, etc. But in my own strength I fail.
Just turn to Him as you are. He says “all who come to me I will in no wise castout.” Even with the part of you that doesn’t want to give it up. Ask for mercy and grace, plug into the word and seek Him.
It’s hard.
One second my heart would look back to my old ways and I thought that negates everything and I have to re-will up the power to surrender it. And I was in an endless loop of surrendering stumbling repenting.
I’m learning how to rely on His grace. Even if it feels like it’s just 1% of you that wants to repent bring it to Him. The difference in sincerity is insincerity would be “eh, here’s 1%. Change me or I won’t turn away. I’ll be here sinning till you do something.” While sincerity is “I cannot even must more than 1%, please help me. Without your grace I will choose this sin. Please give me grace, please lead me where you want me to go. Teach me to love your way.”
“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son”
- John 14:13
This verse obviously doesn’t mean anything, but like it says in first John if we ask anything according to His will He hears us. Asking for true repentance is definitely in His will, as he wants no one to perish. You only have the desire to repent because of Him as well (no one can come to Jesus unless God draws him. >Verse in John, I forget where).
Rather than try to perfectly repent on your own, trust Him to change and lead you. Sometimes after I pray my heart instantly jumps back to how it felt before, but I’m finding the power to say “no” to sin. Pray, take steps to avoid the sin, and trust Him.
I know what you mean by praying but at the same time not wanting to. All I can say is we both need to focus on grace- not as an excuse to sin, but to understand it’s God who changes us. I hope this helps. Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. Do what you can to avoid the sin, and trust Jesus to empower you, guide you, and change you. It may be instant, it may be over time. But He will if you trust Him. I’ll be praying for you. “Whoever come to me I will in no wise cast out.” (JOHN 6:37)
