I'm so lost, please help

imlost · Oct 3, 2018

I recently discovered that my wife had been having an affair for some time. I discovered this through my own means. She didn't come to me and admit it. We've been married for 9 years and have an 8 year old daughter.
I'm completely destroyed. It's been days since I found out and I can barely function. Once I confronted her with everything, she reluctantly gave up some information about what she had been doing behind my back. After much arguing, she said that she is done with it and wants the marriage to work. I want the marriage to work as well. I care very deeply for my wife and can't see life going on without her. I want to begin the process of seeing whether we can work it out, but the problem is, she has the ability to be completely cold and shutdown about it. I will find myself sobbing to her and it's like she can't find it in her to go into detail about how she's feeling. She has some kind of mental block about the subject.
I've been watching marriage counseling videos and reading forums and everything that I feel I can do. I have scheduled a marriage counseling session that she agreed to attend, but the days up until then seem like an eternity. In some of the material that I have read, one of the recommendations for the betrayer is to become an open book. To not have any secrets or unknown password to email, Facebook, etc. She is reluctant to giving these up because she thinks that it is a malicious attempt for me to control her life or use the access to make posts. This makes everything so much worse. She says she's sorry and remorseful, but they are just words. The emotions arenta coming through. The possibility of secrets still being there kills me.
I can barely function at my job. I can't do anything at home but pace and think about it. Everytime I try to talk with her about I, she gets defensive that I insist she becomes transparent at this point. All the trust is broken. She's lied to me while looking me in the eyes so many times, I don't know what to believe. I feel that I need immediate help, but who do I talk to? It's hard to believe that an hour of counseling here or there is going to be enough for me to get everything out. What should I do? I can't picture my life without her, but I've never experienced this type of pain.

Dave L · Oct 3, 2018

imlost said:
I recently discovered that my wife had been having an affair for some time. I discovered this through my own means. She didn't come to me and admit it. We've been married for 9 years and have an 8 year old daughter.
I'm completely destroyed. It's been days since I found out and I can barely function. Once I confronted her with everything, she reluctantly gave up some information about what she had been doing behind my back. After much arguing, she said that she is done with it and wants the marriage to work. I want the marriage to work as well. I care very deeply for my wife and can't see life going on without her. I want to begin the process of seeing whether we can work it out, but the problem is, she has the ability to be completely cold and shutdown about it. I will find myself sobbing to her and it's like she can't find it in her to go into detail about how she's feeling. She has some kind of mental block about the subject.
I've been watching marriage counseling videos and reading forums and everything that I feel I can do. I have scheduled a marriage counseling session that she agreed to attend, but the days up until then seem like an eternity. In some of the material that I have read, one of the recommendations for the betrayer is to become an open book. To not have any secrets or unknown password to email, Facebook, etc. She is reluctant to giving these up because she thinks that it is a malicious attempt for me to control her life or use the access to make posts. This makes everything so much worse. She says she's sorry and remorseful, but they are just words. The emotions arenta coming through. The possibility of secrets still being there kills me.
I can barely function at my job. I can't do anything at home but pace and think about it. Everytime I try to talk with her about I, she gets defensive that I insist she becomes transparent at this point. All the trust is broken. She's lied to me while looking me in the eyes so many times, I don't know what to believe. I feel that I need immediate help, but who do I talk to? It's hard to believe that an hour of counseling here or there is going to be enough for me to get everything out. What should I do? I can't picture my life without her, but I've never experienced this type of pain.

I've seen this before but also have seen how God restores broken marriages to where they become stronger than ever. Forgive her and pray for her, also pray for the cheater and trust all is in God's control working for your good.
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

joshua 1 9 · Oct 3, 2018

I do not understand why people sleep around before marriage and that does not seem to bother anyone. God had a plan for Adam and Eve, but before them I am not sure there was marriage. Some of the animals and birds mate for life and have a high level of hormones for that. But a lot of the species out there do not mate for life. They have multiple partners.

We are to be born again and a new creation in Christ. We are to put off the old and put on the new. So we leave our old nature behind and put on our New Nature as Christians.

joshua 1 9 · Oct 3, 2018

Dave L said:
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

We sort of blindly believe that everything somehow - someway is going to be ok. But I wonder if the issue here is that the grace of God is greater then whatever adversity we have to overcome. Perhaps a part of what Paul is talking about is the Grace of God working in us to overcome the power of sin in our life. Be it our sin or the sin of others to harm us in some way.

" 20 The Law was given so that the trespass would increase; but where sin increased, grace increased all the more, 21 so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness, to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord" Romans 5

GodsGrace101 · Oct 3, 2018

Stop crying to her. Women dislike weak men.
Cry when you're alone.
Be strong, tell her you forgive her and get on with your life.
If she didn't love you and care about your marriage, she would have left you already.

Her passwords are her business. I wouldn't bother...forget about that. One mistake does not a book make. Get on with your life.

Cousellors? You have to live with her. Not them.
It could help,,,it could make things worse. Think about it.

Dave G. · Oct 3, 2018

From your description of how you found this out, it sounds as though you suspected something was going on. I did and it turned out to be true in my case as well. I'm still here but in my case the wife wanted divorce so she could be with the man that impregnated her. Life moves on, I have forgiven her but I am most remorseful that I never could bring her to Christ. After some years passed I ended up with custody of our two girls ( now in their mid 40's with kids of their own, both in Christ). We don't ever forget but the pain dissipates. Staying Christ centered helps because in this world we are promised tribulation, our hope is in Him not other human beings. I understand you love her but do you love her more than Him ? He has your promises and He can work in her if she will take that route too.

RaymondG · Oct 3, 2018

The best thing you can do is work on yourself....you cant change anyone else. I dont like the statement that you cant see yourself without her. Until you are able to be happy alone with yourself, it will be hard to get someone else to be happy with you.

Your wife has to know that you will be happy alone.....you have to know this.... Until she feels like she could be replaced, there is no real incentive to work on not being replaced.

Get one big last cry out....alone..as no woman wants a man who they can step on and then watch sob because of it...... And then work on yourself. Do things you like to do....show that you dont care if another affair happens....show that you know that if God takes this wife from you, it is only because he has a better one waiting.....dont care about what she is doing....dont care about her FB page or her phone log.

In time, she well realize that she has something good, and she will need to do everything she can to keep you.....

Tolworth John · Oct 3, 2018

Both of you need to talk to your minister and take it from there.
It is up to your wife to be willing to be open about her past actions, to acknowledge the pain she has caused you and show that she is willing to be open and above board in her actions, use of a mobile etc.

MichelleAdams · Oct 3, 2018

I am going through a broken betrayed marriage myself. I have been through numerous counselors that did not help. It's very difficult to heal from this and I am nowhere near the point of being healed. The best thing I have found is this Podcast called Healing Broken Trust by Brad and Morgan Robinson. The podcast has a lot of very useful/logical information in it.

Dave L · Oct 3, 2018

MichelleAdams said:
I am going through a broken betrayed marriage myself. I have been through numerous counselors that did not help. It's very difficult to heal from this and I am nowhere near the point of being healed. The best thing I have found is this Podcast called Healing Broken Trust by Brad and Morgan Robinson. The podcast has a lot of very useful/logical information in it.

This is easy for me to say so forgive me if it offends you. But we win whenever we forgive enemies and love them, pray for them, and bless them. If we don't Satan wins.

GodsGrace101 · Oct 3, 2018

Tolworth John said:
Both of you need to talk to your minister and take it from there.
It is up to your wife to be willing to be open about her past actions, to acknowledge the pain she has caused you and show that she is willing to be open and above board in her actions, use of a mobile etc.

How much more open can one be than admitting the mistake???

MichelleAdams · Oct 3, 2018

Dave L said:
This is easy for me to say so forgive me if it offends you. But we win whenever we forgive enemies and love them, pray for them, and bless them. If we don't Satan wins.

Hi Dave,
Thank you for the words. I am not offended in any way and I agree wholeheartedly. I already practice that with past conflicts, people and situations I have encountered. I truly hope that someday my marriage will reach a point where the nonsense and chaos stops and I have the chance to forgive him. I will surely breathe a sigh of relief.

Tolworth John · Oct 4, 2018

GodsGrace101 said:
How much more open can one be than admitting the mistake???

There is acknowledging 'I made a mistake' and there is 'I am sorry I hurt you when I did that.'

You will have seen children say sorry when they are not sorry. Is this the situation here.
I don't know.

Endeavourer · Oct 15, 2018

Here are some great articles on the methods most likely to succeed in stopping affairs in a way the marriage might survive3:

A Collection of Articles on How to Survive Infidelity in Marriage

Endeavourer · Oct 15, 2018

GodsGrace101 said:
How much more open can one be than admitting the mistake???

Ouch!

One can admit the mistake and then not be open at all! They can just go back to continuing on with the affair while they hide their activities and tracks. This happens all of the time because an affair is an addiction to another person.

Do not accept the admission of the affair as all you need - you need much, much more. You need the affair to stop and to never resume again.

LightLoveHope · Oct 24, 2018

Respect has to be earnt.
Relationships are an agreement, and openness and sharing built over time.

Co-dependency in a relationship is dangerous, where both parties play games as to who needs who but actually both us instability for their own benefit.

One important emotional issue is, your wife is no longer your wife but a stranger. She does not deserve your affection, love or openness unless she plays by the rules of intimacy. So in yourself you have to divorce her and begin again. You have to accept the girl you loved once is no longer this woman, she has left.

And the most important issue, is if the trust is not earnt, then the relationship is actually dead, betrayed and lost. There is no guarantee it will work, because one party has already destroyed what was there before.

If you can do this, you have a chance of building something new, if not it is going to limp along and die of its own accord, because it is already dead.

The pain involved here is one of the closest to someone dying, because part of you has died. But once you know this and are not a victim, then there is possible new life.

God bless you, and through the cross, know what new life in Him is like. Often in these hardest moments we grasp the heart of Jesus

Miguel jay · Oct 28, 2018

imlost said:
I recently discovered that my wife had been having an affair for some time. I discovered this through my own means. She didn't come to me and admit it. We've been married for 9 years and have an 8 year old daughter.
I'm completely destroyed. It's been days since I found out and I can barely function. Once I confronted her with everything, she reluctantly gave up some information about what she had been doing behind my back. After much arguing, she said that she is done with it and wants the marriage to work. I want the marriage to work as well. I care very deeply for my wife and can't see life going on without her. I want to begin the process of seeing whether we can work it out, but the problem is, she has the ability to be completely cold and shutdown about it. I will find myself sobbing to her and it's like she can't find it in her to go into detail about how she's feeling. She has some kind of mental block about the subject.
I've been watching marriage counseling videos and reading forums and everything that I feel I can do. I have scheduled a marriage counseling session that she agreed to attend, but the days up until then seem like an eternity. In some of the material that I have read, one of the recommendations for the betrayer is to become an open book. To not have any secrets or unknown password to email, Facebook, etc. She is reluctant to giving these up because she thinks that it is a malicious attempt for me to control her life or use the access to make posts. This makes everything so much worse. She says she's sorry and remorseful, but they are just words. The emotions arenta coming through. The possibility of secrets still being there kills me.
I can barely function at my job. I can't do anything at home but pace and think about it. Everytime I try to talk with her about I, she gets defensive that I insist she becomes transparent at this point. All the trust is broken. She's lied to me while looking me in the eyes so many times, I don't know what to believe. I feel that I need immediate help, but who do I talk to? It's hard to believe that an hour of counseling here or there is going to be enough for me to get everything out. What should I do? I can't picture my life without her, but I've never experienced this type of pain.

Miguel jay · Oct 28, 2018

Your wife has to be totally honest! If she can’t be then it’ll never work. You’ll drive yourself mad if she is not. Secondly, you need someone godly that can find time for you, not the opposite sex though! A friend that you can lean on and will be totally honest with you, especially the times when you’re desperate and want to compromise and take her as a closed book. Bottom line, she has to be completely open. That’s the whole idea of repentance. She should be desperate to have you back, willing to bare her soul. This is a very serious matter and she can’t play with your heart. It can cause illness. My God intervene. I’m deeply sorrowful for what you’re going through.

I'm so lost, please help

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