Boyfriend said he needs sex for a happy and healthy relationship...? Help?

FireDragon76 · Oct 9, 2018

That's more the evangelical subculture. Most mature men, in a long term relationship, have that at the bottom of their list of priorities.

Or maybe he doesn't care that much about those values personally, but he tolerates them to some degree. If he's a military veteran, he may well have a great deal more on his plate than worrying about perceived moral purity.

Rushing into marriage to simply fulfill a desire to have religion-sanctioned sex could be a big mistake, especially if people are at a stage where there is alot of physical attraction but you don't actually know a potential spouse and their character.

aiki · Oct 9, 2018

Love can't wait to give, lust can't wait to get.

zippy2006 · Oct 9, 2018

Nah. It is a perennial, cross-cultural, and historical fact that virginity is valued by humans in a significant way. Evangelical prudery doesn't change that, but apparently those within its gravitational pull--friend and foe alike--are affected by distorted lenses.

Sketcher · Oct 9, 2018

In his mind, he's ready for sex. You however, are not. Don't make too much of him saying you might get married one day. That's not a marriage proposal. When he said he wants to continue with you, that means he still likes you, but since he has not proposed, he's not making permanent plans yet. Maybe he thinks he can stick it out a little while longer. Maybe he thinks he can get you to flex just enough on your abstinence. Either way, you're telling us that he was prioritizing sex over walking with Jesus, so I don't know how this relationship can have a righteous future.

Unofficial Reverand Alex · Oct 9, 2018

I like to include this for all difficult situations:

BNR32FAN · Oct 9, 2018

Well I guess I have a tendency to look at people in a more positive light. She did say he’s a good natured person. Also I didn’t say anything about rushing into marriage. Im a construction worker and people have a lot of misconceptions about me. I probably curse a lot, drink, and lust after women. No not even close.

Ing Bee · Oct 9, 2018

Right on, go with that pain in your gut. It's telling you what your conflicted thoughts can't.

Here's some encouraging truth from God's Word:

In 1 Corinthians 13, Paul categorizes Agape, the self-giving, other-directed love that is based on God's own nature (1 John 4:8):

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant
5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.
7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

It sounds like your boyfriend is not exhibiting this kind of love.

In Galatians 5 Paul compares the works of the flesh (corrupted desires) with the fruit of the Spirit:

17 For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality,
20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions,
21 envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience,kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

From your description, this man is choosing to oppose the Spirit of God and attempting to entice you to participate in sexual immorality, while not exhibiting evidence of the Spirit's presence in his live (self- control) and refusing to demonstrate his allegiance to Jesus by putting to death his passions, using them instead as his standard of happiness.

I have daughters; I would tell them this man doesn't have your best interest at heart. He wants to please himself. Compare that with the love of the Father in the Son who humbly became a servant out of love, and tasted death so we wouldn't have to.

Sexual expression in marriage is designed to be a joyful, pleasurable mutual celebration of faithful self-giving love; without a covenant commitment it is destructive and empty.

marineimaging · Oct 9, 2018

Consider this hug from an old man who had been around the block so to say. I also respected my fiance and there were times it got heated for both of us. We are, after all, humans. But I never pushed her to have sex, nor did she. And believe me, I had women try to push me into it and they could not believe that any man could resist. Well, I could, and we saved that for marriage. It was worth it. BTW, if she had given in before marriage, or if I had given before marriage, I know for a fact here 40 plus years later that we would never have respected each other as much as we did.

Bible Highlighter · Oct 9, 2018

As painful as it may be, I don't think you should see him anymore. As a Christian, I believe it is good that you kiss and cuddle, etc. while dating to see if you have chemistry. I also agree with you that is good for a Christian man and Christian woman should wait for marriage to be intimate. In fact, I believe there are spiritual blessings for you if you do wait. However, if one partner cannot wait, and they say they need sex to be happy, then they are focusing on the wrong aspect of the relationship. Their priorities are way off track. Hypothetically speaking: Say you marry him, and then when you both grow old (Lord willing), sex may not be like it was. So if he is unhappy because old age has changed his sex life, then that is a relationship doomed to disaster. If sex is his driving force to be pleased, then what will stop him from seeking to be taken away by the sexual passions of another to keep his sex life exciting and him happy? IMO - His words are a deal breaker. Love of God and love for each other no matter what life throws at you is what should be the glue between a couple that wants to marry each other. Love sticks it through even the tough times. Sex is just icing on the cake and it is not the cake. He should be after your heart and not after fleeting pleasures.

Ask God for your Christian soul mate and serve the Lord with everything you got.
For Jesus says, seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Have faith. God has someone out there for you who is better.

I know I prayed for my soul mate for almost two decades before God answered. But when God did answer, I was so glad I waited.

Anyways, I hope what I said helps;
And may God bless you this fine day.

timewerx · Oct 9, 2018

Sounds a bit manipulating to me.

"maybe even marry you" did he actaully say that? "Maybe" is not a good sign. He's either bad with choices of words or doesn't love you that much.

Deborah D · Oct 10, 2018

Hi, Kazzy, I'm pleasantly surprised at all the godly advice you've received, and I'm proud of you for taking a godly stand in your relationship. I know that's hard to do in this age of casual sex.

If you keep waiting until you're married to have sex, you won't regret it. On your wedding night, you'll be able to give your wonderful husband all of your heart, not missing any pieces that you've given to other men.

It's a fact that humans need air and food in order to live, but we really can live without sex (and even be happy)!

2Timothy2:15 · Oct 10, 2018

You been with him 2 months and he is pressuring you to have sex outside of marriage. He may be a good man someday, but right now he is not.

Tolworth John · Oct 10, 2018

Stick to your guns. He doesn't need sex, he wants sex.

So while it is depressing to keep repeating yourself, keep saying no.

Tomm · Oct 10, 2018

Say NO! to him.

longwait · Oct 10, 2018

You should be showing allegiance to God and not a human no matter how close they seem to be. If God does not approve of it then don't do it. After having done everything and you both don't end up marrying each other it will be disastrous for your future. All sins have their terrible consequences.

FireDragon76 · Oct 10, 2018

Now we have DNA paternity tests.

Lost4words · Oct 10, 2018

The flesh is weak. I understand that very much.

frater_domus · Oct 10, 2018

I don't like how some immediately advice to dump him. We do not like to be marginalized to one trait, neither should we do so for others. There are people who try to follow Jesus harder than most, but even they struggle with sin and will stumble. That is the reality of our existence on earth.

I do not want to discuss whether premarital sex is bad or not, that's a whole discussion on its own. No, this is less about sex and more about interpersonal relationships. I say, be forgiving and longsuffering like God is towards us. The hallmark of a Christian is not that he is free from sin (only Jesus was), but the fact that he always comes back from sin by way of repentance. Have a real heart to heart with him. Explain the situation and conflict that results when conservative and liberal views collide. If he is repentant, he will understand, though it will take time.

But please, do not do anything rash because of one misstep. We all have our faults. Instead, help him overcome his.

Tom 1 · Oct 10, 2018

No-one 'needs' sex in a bf/gf relationship. Things change after marriage, along with the physical relationship there's a level of commitment that makes all the difference, and gives you freedom at the same time as security. Throw sex into a relationship without that security, freedom and commitment and you just end up with a lot more emotional turmoil. If bf has already experienced sexual intimacy then he may feel like he 'needs' it sometimes, but if he's mature he'll understand that he needs to deal with it, and focus on enjoying what you have as an unmarried couple, not on what comes after marriage.

prodromos · Oct 10, 2018

There are plenty of times within marriage where the husband desires intimacy, but the wife is in part of her monthly cycle where it is the last thing she wants. He needs to be able to control his desires now, because even in marriage he won't always get what he thinks he needs.

Boyfriend said he needs sex for a happy and healthy relationship...? Help?

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