I fear God won't let me come back to him

Those negative suggestions are from the evil one. Don't let them get to you. Persevere, and continue to trust in Christ. Our savior loves us brother, and we will all fall short of His perfection as we're not the Son of God, just try your best to emulate Him. Keep doing what you're doing. Stay in the scriptures for they are the pinnacle of our Holy Tradition.

As for apostasy remember St. Peter denied Christ too, and is still revered as one of the Twelve Holy Apostles. There's always hope. Don't let the evil one win.

PeterAnastasio said:

Growing up in a Christian family I didn't know too much about Christianity I was learning slowly and I didn't quite understand salvation I thought works was involved but I was wrong. And this was more Churchanity than actual Christianity I found out just about now.

My ignorance got the best of me, and I opened myself up for attacks and my faith was gone for 6 months maybe I never really had it?. I didn't think much about it at first, but after a while I started to sense something wasn't right and that I didn't feel complete anymore. I have been having nightmares about the end times and it never ended I feel like it was a warning. A strong urge came to me to study the Bible, and once I took that step I started to understand and my faith in Christ is stronger than ever. I see how foolish and naive I was in the past.

But after that a influx of negative thinking flooded my mind. The thoughts were that I was an apostate and I can never have a relationship with God anymore because I abandoned him, that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit. And I'm getting thoughts that I should just plead to God to destroy my soul instead of being dammed for eternity.

I am frightened, I am 18 this year and I cannot imagine that I dammed myself this early. I don't know if God even hears my prayers. And from reading the Bible it seems very clear someone can lose their salvation, but I don't think I ever had it in the first place because I thought works were involved? I'm not sure, but I feel like there is little hope for me since I already departed from the faith, and once someone departs they cannot come back just like a divorce?

I repented of my sins, I ask for forgiveness and I believe and accept Jesus as my savior but there is no answer. I am mortified

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Just remember that Jesus is Our Lord and Saviour and it's because of Him that you are saved. I am also struggling with this but I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour and since you have too, it's all about Him. God deeply loves us and Jesus is Lord.

PeterAnastasio said:

Growing up in a Christian family I didn't know too much about Christianity I was learning slowly and I didn't quite understand salvation I thought works was involved but I was wrong. And this was more Churchanity than actual Christianity I found out just about now.

My ignorance got the best of me, and I opened myself up for attacks and my faith was gone for 6 months maybe I never really had it?. I didn't think much about it at first, but after a while I started to sense something wasn't right and that I didn't feel complete anymore. I have been having nightmares about the end times and it never ended I feel like it was a warning. A strong urge came to me to study the Bible, and once I took that step I started to understand and my faith in Christ is stronger than ever. I see how foolish and naive I was in the past.

But after that a influx of negative thinking flooded my mind. The thoughts were that I was an apostate and I can never have a relationship with God anymore because I abandoned him, that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit. And I'm getting thoughts that I should just plead to God to destroy my soul instead of being dammed for eternity.

I am frightened, I am 18 this year and I cannot imagine that I dammed myself this early. I don't know if God even hears my prayers. And from reading the Bible it seems very clear someone can lose their salvation, but I don't think I ever had it in the first place because I thought works were involved? I'm not sure, but I feel like there is little hope for me since I already departed from the faith, and once someone departs they cannot come back just like a divorce?

I repented of my sins, I ask for forgiveness and I believe and accept Jesus as my savior but there is no answer. I am mortified

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Listen to the words from Christ Himself to answer your question here --

https://biblehub.com/niv/luke/15.htm

And then you will do well to read this chapter too, really well, so that you really hear verses 8 and 9.
https://biblehub.com/niv/1_john/1.htm
Hallelujah! He forgives the repentant sinner!

PeterAnastasio said:

But after that a influx of negative thinking flooded my mind. The thoughts were that I was an apostate and I can never have a relationship with God anymore because I abandoned him, that I blasphemed the Holy Spirit. And I'm getting thoughts that I should just plead to God to destroy my soul instead of being dammed for eternity.

I am frightened, I am 18 this year and I cannot imagine that I dammed myself this early. I don't know if God even hears my prayers. And from reading the Bible it seems very clear someone can lose their salvation, but I don't think I ever had it in the first place because I thought works were involved? I'm not sure, but I feel like there is little hope for me since I already departed from the faith, and once someone departs they cannot come back just like a divorce?

I repented of my sins, I ask for forgiveness and I believe and accept Jesus as my savior but there is no answer. I am mortified

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Well, you've probably made a bit of a mistake coming here for advice about whether or not you can lose your salvation. There is quite a crowd of people here eager to tell you that you have. They want to inflame your fear because they think fear is a greater motivator to walking rightly with God than love. Of course, the Bible is really clear that fear is contrary to the relationship God wants us to have with Him through Christ.

1 John 4:16-19
16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
17 Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness in the day of judgment; because as He is, so are we in this world.
18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.
19 We love Him because He first loved us.

You have not committed the "unpardonable sin" for the only sin that cannot be pardoned is the one for which no pardon is requested. God promises the following concerning any and all sin:

1 John 1:8-9
8 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.
9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

So, let me ask you: Are you a jealous, hypocritical, Christ-hating Pharisee? Is your heart cold toward Christ, and covetous of his authority and power? This is the heart out of which the blasphemy of the Spirit the Pharisees were guilty of arose. Is this your heart? I doubt it. You wouldn't be on this forum fearful of having committed the unpardonable sin if it were. Do you think the Pharisees who blasphemed the Holy Spirit cared one whit about Jesus saying that they had? I think not. Anyway, the really unforgivable wickedness of the Pharisees wasn't what they said but the evil condition of their heart. It was out of this evil condition that they said the blasphemous things they did. There aren't, then, a particular set of words that have the power to put you beyond God's forgiveness. It is only a wicked, unrepentant heart that can do that. Having such a heart is the true "unpardonable sin." So, rest easy. This isn't you.

God isn't like us. He isn't ever fickle and unfaithful. He doesn't get touchy and embroiled in tit-for-tat behaviour. He doesn't say to us, "Well, you walked away from me so I'm going to walk away from you." That's what humans do, not God. You want to know what God is like toward those who wander from Him? Read the parable of the Prodigal Son. After the son rebels against his father, squanders his inheritance in profligate living, ends up starving in a pig-pen and finally returns home, his father doesn't rebuke him, or tell him to get lost, or beat him with a stick. No, the father is waiting and looking for his son's return. And when he sees his boy approaching, he runs out to meet him and gives him a big hug and then throws him a party! This is a picture of our Heavenly Father and His attitude toward His wayward children. He isn't looking to thump us for wandering and rebelling, but is waiting expectantly for our return that He might embrace and return us to fellowship with Himself.

So, don't ever think God has had enough of you and won't accept you any longer. He accepts no one on the basis of their good living. No one. The only reason He accepts any of us is because we are, by trusting in Christ as our Saviour and Lord, clothed in Christ's perfect righteousness, we are placed in Christ, and thus made acceptable to Him. Our good deeds have no bearing whatever upon our being saved or remaining saved.

Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God,
9 not of works, lest anyone should boast.

Titus 3:5-7
5 not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit,
6 whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
7 that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

1 Corinthians 1:29-31
29...no flesh should glory in His presence.
30 But of Him you are in Christ Jesus, who became for us wisdom from God--and righteousness and sanctification and redemption --
31 that, as it is written, "He who glories, let him glory in the Lord."

PeterAnastasio said:

I believe

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We are made right in God’s sight when we trust in Jesus Christ to take away our sins. And we all can be saved in the same way, no matter who we are or what we have done. For God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God’s anger against us. We are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed His blood, sacrificing His Life for us. (Romans 3:22, 25)

For if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)

For it is believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved. (Romans 10:10)

It's normal when you are younger to have those kinds of fears, but they do not reflect anything real about God.

Here is what Paul wrote of one fornicating in a way worse than the unbelievers in the Corinthian church.

1 Corinthians 5:4-5 (KJV)
4 In the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, when ye are gathered together, and my spirit, with the power of our Lord Jesus Christ, 5 To deliver such an one unto Satan for the destruction of the flesh, that the spirit may be saved in the day of the Lord Jesus.

Most believe this man was restored in II Corinthians, but the principle applies to those in gross sin. Repent or you may have committed the sin unto death, but your spirit is still saved. I doubt your sin was extraordinary, but even if it was, repent and move on with God. As long as you are alive, you have a chance to make things right. Below is a more detailed lesson regarding this subject.
http://www.faithfulwordbaptist.org/transcript_restoring.html




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