struggling with marriage (insecurity, jealousy)

DZoolander · Sep 3, 2018

Now, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do things to protect yourself. Let's say you have a shared bank account. See about having it changed into your name and/or withdrawing what you need from it to open another account solely in your name (and probably leaving her some so she's not broke either) - just so that she can't clean you out.

That was one of the first things I did. I withdrew 50% of what was in the account, and opened an account under my own name.

There are prudent things you ought do right now just for self protection. Those are separate and apart from "divorce" though.

Mountainmanbob · Sep 3, 2018

Marriage -- although I fall short I'm sure -- I try to be pleasant and loving and stay totally away from any type of jealousy.

I believe that jealousy is another one of the devil's addictions offered to us.

Once we go there we never get enough just like a drug.

I love being married to Mountain Lady but, if she decides to fly away the cage door is always left open.

Some will say that it is not normal but, we hardly never argue -- we hate drama.

M-Bob

DZoolander · Sep 3, 2018

I agree with MountainManBob

Ya know, as a related issue, you need to iron out your own issues as well. Your marriage and where it sits is one thing - and who knows where it truly sits. But you also seem to struggle with a lot of feelings of self worth/etc...which seemingly had a big hand in where you guys are now.

That's going to be a problem for you regardless of what may happen. It's in your interests to figure out the cause of that and address it.

Mountainmanbob · Sep 3, 2018

Not pride but --

We can build our self-esteem in God.

Being the ones He wants us to be.

A process that takes time.

And work.

M-Bob

chainsaw1 · Sep 4, 2018

DZoolander said:
I've been through a divorce - and here's my best advice/thought for you right now.

What you're experiencing right now is a far cry from where you'll need to be to make any kind of informed and/or good decision eventually. When I think about the DAY that I kicked my wife out and said we were through - and where my mind was months and months later - it's not even comparable. What's happening right now is simply too fresh for you to be able to look at it from an informed and good position.

Divorce very well may be where you end up. But you're going to likely go through ebbs and flows of feeling as this progresses. What might seem clear to you in this moment might not be what you're feeling in a month or so when loneliness and the quiet sets in. If she reaches out to you it will only complicate things. You will likely vacillate.

Time is your friend in this. It will help clear your head and it will SHOW you the reality of the situation and make you resolved in whatever you decide to do. If she doesn't show back up - and the new year rolls around - then you'll be more at peace with things and will have adjusted to the "new normal". If she does, it will give you the evidence you need to make a decision based upon that.

Unlike what is kind of expected to say here, I'm not going to say that divorce is the worst thing to happen. In fact, I would say that mine was one of the best things I've ever done. But I did go through that "time" thing to make sure that I was confident in my decision. A few days into it - you're not at that place yet...so any decision you would make now will only cause you angst in the upcoming months IMHO. Take it as it goes.

And revisit the idea in a few months - like I said - maybe at the start of the new year. There's no rush.

Very well said, thank you for the informed reply

Mountainmanbob · Sep 4, 2018

A Cool site to see.

At my daughter's wedding a few years back I saw my ex-wife who I hadn't seen for a long time. It also happened to be the first time that my ex-wife and my new wife of 12 Years had met.

During the reception there was one of those girl dances where all of the ladies got together and danced with each other. Seeing my ex-wife and my new wife dancing together and smiling at each other brought much joy to my heart.

Sometimes it's best to let them move on and only wish the best for them.

M-Bob

chainsaw1 · Sep 4, 2018

Mountainmanbob said:
A Cool site to see.

At my daughter's wedding a few years back I saw my ex-wife who I hadn't seen for a long time. It also happened to be the first time that my ex-wife and my new wife of 12 Years had met.

During the reception there was one of those girl dances where all of the ladies got together and danced with each other. Seeing my ex-wife and my new wife dancing together and smiling at each other brought much joy to my heart.

Sometimes it's best to let them move on and only wish the best for them.

M-Bob

I am already on my 2nd marriage and my 1st wife never met my ex wife even though we live 3 blocks apart. I just need more of Jesus, this situation is too complex for me, I love my current wife but we don't get along. Kids way very heavy on my heart so no that she is pregnant has me yearning for her and the thought of divorcing again with kids in the mix its just too painful for me to handle right now. Like other guy who posted it will take time and hopefully in time it will settle the emotions. Its just hard to imagine that at 36 I will be divorced for the 2nd time.

chainsaw1 · Sep 9, 2018

It's been 2 weeks since she left, she took all the things from the house that she needed. I haven't heard from her in a week. I'm still very unsettled, and I am wondering if it is wrong for me to be missing her or be in anguish. Does God not want me to be so effected by this?

johndoo · Sep 10, 2018

You are human so your reactions are completely normal. Grief is normal. You have lost something important and it makes your world unstable. thinking of you today.

chainsaw1 · Oct 17, 2018

Update

My wife and I have now been separated for a month in a half. She doesn't want a divorce but is adamant about me having to change. So we are going to counseling, and meeting once or twice a week. There still is tension, she still says I am the reason why this marriage is failing, she says I don't know how to communicate or understand relational things and my anxiety tends to make me assume things that aren't true, she also states I get upset too easily because I don't understand her and take things the wrong way. So I am still having a hard time as she is making it out that it''s all my fault, even though she wants to stay married, but is not coming back until change takes place.

However. I make 100k a year, she makes about 15k. The house is in my name because I had it before we got married. I also bought a 50k car while we were married and it's in my name, but it's the family car so I leave it with her since she is home more with the 4 kids than me. But now we are separated she feels she should still have the car, also she filed for spousal support through domestic relations because she doesn't have enough to live on her own with her son. The counselor questioned me why I don't let her have the car and I pay for it since we are still married. But I thought the point of the separation is to be separate on finances? I can afford my home on my own, but with spousal support and loss of her income I can't aford to pay a $800 car payment. Especially since she drives it. Can someone make sense of what is going on right now for me?

Mountainmanbob · Oct 17, 2018

I would never wish a separation or a divorce on anyone not even my enemies.

I have been where you are at and know the feelings and thoughts that this seems to go on forever and I hate that.

Sounds like she wants a lot of change seen from you?

Do what you can or want to do and pray and in time it will work out. Workout in which direction? Only time will tell.

I understand not much help.

The good news -- once you come out the other side no matter what the results there will be relief once it's behind you.

The waiting is the hardest part.
Tom Petty

M-Bob

mama2one · Oct 17, 2018

since she wants to be married and use the family car, shouldn't she move back in?

shouldn't going to counselling be enough?

her filing for support, seems like she is "trying" out divorce
are you sure she wants to stay married?

trade it in for a less expensive vehicle for her
there are lots of safe vehicles in $20,000 range

chainsaw1 · Oct 17, 2018

christine40 said:
since she wants to be married and use the family car, shouldn't she move back in?

shouldn't going to counselling be enough?

her filing for support, seems like she is "trying" out divorce
are you sure she wants to stay married?

trade it in for a less expensive vehicle for her
there are lots of safe vehicles in $20,000 range

We have a kid on the way, so selling the family vehicle I would take a hit because right now I would take a $5000 loss on it.

She doesn't want to have sex, but she likes to stay the night on Friday after I take her out on a date. I feel like she is having the best of both worlds. And I feel like I am waiting in the balance. She hasn't done anything on her end as far as growing spiritually or working in faith, but I have to change how my kids respond to her and respect her, and I have to not be so grumpy or easily get my feelings hurt, which my hurt shows up in being upset.

She feels she has to be walking on egg shells when she talks to me because I get my feelings hurt alot. But she says alot of things that do hurt me, and I do get upset because when she complains about my kids, me, or anything that I have provided I take it personal and it hurts like I don't mean crap....

as far as finances go, I don't think it's right that because I make the money that I have to support her while she lives down the road, pay for my car that she drives, pay for her phone, her car insurance, her gym membership. We are seperated but I am still taking care of her finacially, but I am working more to make up for her loss, and now I don't have someone there to help with my 3 daughters, or cut my grass or help out at home, I need support. But I feel like if I asked my ex wife to help a little bit more, then my current wife would throw a fit. I leave for work at 530 in the morning and my 14,12,10 year old have to get up and get ready by themselves

Mountainmanbob · Oct 17, 2018

A Christian that studies her Bible would not hold sex back from you for too long, for the Bible explains what happens in many of those cases.

Sounds like she is testing the waters out there? The world and the devil tells us we deserve better. Causing many a broken family and hearts.

M-Bob

mama2one · Oct 17, 2018

if you square away some problems, then can make things less stressful for you and wife

Mountainmanbob · Oct 17, 2018

christine40 said:
if you square away some problems, then can make things less stressful for you and wife

I think you make some of those things sound too easy.

The gentleman had already explained why he could not sell the car.

M-Bob

mama2one · Oct 17, 2018

financial problems are huge stressors in any marriage
try to live under your means
best to you and your wife

is the counsellor helping at all?

chainsaw1 · Oct 17, 2018

christine40 said:
sounds like some of your problems are financial if you can't afford the car pymt which is huge
cut your losses and get something in 20 range like a Toyota
drop gym membership

don't need financial problems on top of everything else

your kids are old enough to get ready themselves in morn so wouldn't worry about that
ask a retired neighbor or someone to drive them to school should they miss bus

if you square away some problems, then can make things less stressful for you and wife

I bought a bigger home for the fact that I would be getting married to here and we would have 4 kids between us. I bought a home that would take a dual income, even though I could afford it on my own. Then the car, which would be doable on my own but, with the money I have to pay her in spousal support, plus absence of her income, and the fact that I would have to pay $900 in child support a month, yes I will be in bad finaces

chainsaw1 · Oct 17, 2018

Mountainmanbob said:
A Christian that studies her Bible would not hold sex back from you for too long, for the Bible explains what happens in many of those cases.

Sounds like she is testing the waters out there? The world and the devil tells us we deserve better. Causing many a broken family and hearts.

M-Bob

She doesn't feel like sex and feels she shouldnt feel pressure to have sex now since we are seperated. We havent had sex since before she left back in august. Not that I can't control myself, what really hurts is that she doesn't want to with me.

Mountainmanbob · Oct 17, 2018

chainsaw1 said:
She doesn't feel like sex and feels she shouldnt feel pressure to have sex now since we are seperated. We havent had sex since before she left back in august. Not that I can't control myself, what really hurts is that she doesn't want to with me.

Seems like if she had any real plans to get back together with you she would at least service you and little bit every once in a while?

Sorry brother but, the signs don't look good at this time.

M-Bob

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